Lost

[Danu 19]

I agree that this process is hard on relationships. I am trying to consider the alternatives while being fair to all involved. I am just trying to find a way to get some real answers from my fiancee without sounding like a A-typical demanding woman. The idea that I will support him for three months is not my only concern, but I am afraid that he will not have money for all those fees to start our lives here. If I must sacrifice his love to maintain a sense of security for my children, then that is what I need to do. I pray tha he is receptive to a hard talk of the realities that we will face upon his entry to the US.

Thanks

its not a problem at all dear. On the plus side for you, if he is not able to have this kind of talk, no matter how hard it may be, it will make it easier on you knowing he is not 100% willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make everything work. You are right, finances are one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is the other. You definately need to be able to communicate with this man on many fronts, one other to consider is the issue of the kids themselves, understanding how your family life works and talking about how you will raise them and the rules. There are so many things for you to consider, I hope that he will be open to talking about everything with you and coming up with a plan, but if not, take solice that he was probably not right for you.

[Nik+Heather 121]

Can I get advice on what I can do. I have filed a k-1 visa in April, 2009 and I now feel like I am not in love with my fiancee as I thought. The reasson is that I have asked my fiancee for help with half of the filing fee for the application k-1. He said that is all that I will have to pay, but he has also said that he does not have any money saved for the costs that he will need to pay for the fees for his permanent residence fees once he is in the USA. I am concerned that he will come here and have nothing to contribute to those cost. I am a single mother of three. I really want to say to him that he needs to prove to me that he has the money for these cost. I cannot incure any debt as I have small children that depend upon me. He says that he will borrow money from family. I am thinking that maybe at this point that he may have been interested in me for entry into the US only. I am so confused. I have a dear friend from his country that I talk with, who has concerns that once he is here and after we meet the requirements for his citizenship that he will leave me. My friend has been more support than my fiancee has. I have known him for 2 years longer than my fiancee. I am thinking that I made a huge mistake in accepting his proposal. I am wondering if I am really in love with my other friend, but I do not know what to do.?

Any advise???

You don't know who you love? Let them both go and get your head screwed on right! your a bit nuts if you ask me.....

Your response brought up many feelings like anger that you would state that I am wacko, despair because you did not see that my main concern is the financial situation that I may be in if he is not sincere. My main priority is my children. I love my friend because of his honesty not because I want a relationship with more than friends. In this unstable economy everything that I do will have a dramatic impact on my children, so I am right to think longterm if this relationship is not sincere. I hope that you never are faced with such decisions as those I must make. My love for my fiancee has diminished because of his lack of planning for his entry into the USA. Financial problems are the number one reasons for divorce in the US. The possibility that I could be a willing victim of Vias fraud will make anyone crazy.

I am not concerned about the financial bits (well, OK, I am, but that's a math problem, which you seem determined to solve).

What would really worry me is all this doubt about the sincerity of your fiance. You think you may potentially be the victim of visa fraud?! STOP. My mother always told me that "no" could more easily be changed to "yes" but "yes" could rarely be changed back to "no". If you stop this process in the petition phase, you can relatively easily start again at a later date, when you feel more sure. This is the point where it is easiest to stop the whole process. Please, if you actually feel all this doubt and suspicion, work on your relationship before continuing down this path. Don't just continue on with this process and relationship because it's easiest not to change things. Of course, think of your children and think how a divorce later, when your doubts turn into anger or dislike of your fiance, could affect them. Take more time to be sure now.

[gennyangel 3]

I feel your pain it's like choosing between Zack & Slater

oh come on! he he he that gave me a hard time choosing who is who?

kidding aside.................

It is really hard when there is another involved in the situation. Also,difficult to go through when financially unstable. One must have find ways to solve the problem but the problem isnt just money but how genuine is the relationship towards the other and then there's doubt.

You have to think and take your step carefully this time...

[Susita 175]

Seriously, if you are even having any doubts at all it's not worth going through any kind of visa process right now.

Sounds like you should probably sort it all out, take some time to think.

It took my hubby and I 3 years to decide to get the visa. We both knew we had to be 100% sure before we made a commitment like that. It's hard but it's important you do that.

As for hurting others, unfortunately you have to think about what's best for you and act accordingly.

Good luck.

[L179 1]

best of luck and do whatever your heart says.

[ashenflowers 5]

Is it really all about the money?? Have you talked about this at all with your fiance? What was it like when you saw each other in person? How long has it been since you saw him? When will you see him again? etc... You need to figure out for yourself how you actually feel about HIM, without money being in the picture. Also, YOU need to figure it out.. not you and your friend who you think you might be in love with. Don't even THINK about divorce as an option, because that gives you an 'out' later... think about this as a LIFE TIME commitment after this process is done, because that's what marriage is REALLY supposed to be...

Side note, I think it's more like choosing between Jack and Sawyer... one's a whiny doctor, the other is a con artist. Both seem to have commitment issues... hmmm....

[Susita 175]

Side note, I think it's more like choosing between Jack and Sawyer... one's a whiny doctor, the other is a con artist. Both seem to have commitment issues... hmmm....

[Azzudiin 26]

nice troll, worked well

[EZ3145 0]

Can I get advice on what I can do. I have filed a k-1 visa in April, 2009 and I now feel like I am not in love with my fiancee as I thought. The reasson is that I have asked my fiancee for help with half of the filing fee for the application k-1. He said that is all that I will have to pay, but he has also said that he does not have any money saved for the costs that he will need to pay for the fees for his permanent residence fees once he is in the USA. I am concerned that he will come here and have nothing to contribute to those cost. I am a single mother of three. I really want to say to him that he needs to prove to me that he has the money for these cost. I cannot incure any debt as I have small children that depend upon me. He says that he will borrow money from family. I am thinking that maybe at this point that he may have been interested in me for entry into the US only. I am so confused. I have a dear friend from his country that I talk with, who has concerns that once he is here and after we meet the requirements for his citizenship that he will leave me. My friend has been more support than my fiancee has. I have known him for 2 years longer than my fiancee. I am thinking that I made a huge mistake in accepting his proposal. I am wondering if I am really in love with my other friend, but I do not know what to do.?

Any advise???

I'm wondering if your other friend wants to be the one who gets to come to the USA and not the other guy. HMMM

[Anh map 2,098]

nice troll, worked well

[DaleandPat 0]

Can I get advice on what I can do. I have filed a k-1 visa in April, 2009 and I now feel like I am not in love with my fiancee as I thought. The reasson is that I have asked my fiancee for help with half of the filing fee for the application k-1. He said that is all that I will have to pay, but he has also said that he does not have any money saved for the costs that he will need to pay for the fees for his permanent residence fees once he is in the USA. I am concerned that he will come here and have nothing to contribute to those cost. I am a single mother of three. I really want to say to him that he needs to prove to me that he has the money for these cost. I cannot incure any debt as I have small children that depend upon me. He says that he will borrow money from family. I am thinking that maybe at this point that he may have been interested in me for entry into the US only. I am so confused. I have a dear friend from his country that I talk with, who has concerns that once he is here and after we meet the requirements for his citizenship that he will leave me. My friend has been more support than my fiancee has. I have known him for 2 years longer than my fiancee. I am thinking that I made a huge mistake in accepting his proposal. I am wondering if I am really in love with my other friend, but I do not know what to do.?

Any advise???

I understand your situation. When you petition the USA Government to bring someone here, you are the source of their finanaces. I think if I were in your situation this is what I would do. First decide if you really love this person, then if the answer is yes can this person come up with money up front? If he is willing, but does not have the money then wait until you have the money and have some talks on the financial end of all this. It will be awhile for him to find work.

There is nothing wrong with waiting to sort things out.

God bless and good luck.

[depair 0]

I agree that this process is hard on relationships. I am trying to consider the alternatives while being fair to all involved. I am just trying to find a way to get some real answers from my fiancee without sounding like a A-typical demanding woman. The idea that I will support him for three months is not my only concern, but I am afraid that he will not have money for all those fees to start our lives here. If I must sacrifice his love to maintain a sense of security for my children, then that is what I need to do. I pray tha he is receptive to a hard talk of the realities that we will face upon his entry to the US.

Thanks

its not a problem at all dear. On the plus side for you, if he is not able to have this kind of talk, no matter how hard it may be, it will make it easier on you knowing he is not 100% willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make everything work. You are right, finances are one of the top reasons for divorce, communication is the other. You definately need to be able to communicate with this man on many fronts, one other to consider is the issue of the kids themselves, understanding how your family life works and talking about how you will raise them and the rules. There are so many things for you to consider, I hope that he will be open to talking about everything with you and coming up with a plan, but if not, take solice that he was probably not right for you.

Thanks, I have tried a couple of ways to approach him with this talk but really it does not satisfy my quest. He says that he understands about my children and says that he will find the money, but does not give me a tangible plan. He says that he will take a loan from his family but as far as I know he has not talked with him regarding that. I so much want to just say to him that either he has the money to support himself here until he finds work or don't come. I am afraid of his reaction, but really I cannot go in debt for our life together before it starts. I find that I purposely stay longer at work so I have less time to be online thinking that would push him away. He made a comment that really upset me regarding work. He said that he wants me to find a good job so that I can support my kids and him of course. His exact words.

[depair 0]

Can I get advice on what I can do. I have filed a k-1 visa in April, 2009 and I now feel like I am not in love with my fiancee as I thought. The reasson is that I have asked my fiancee for help with half of the filing fee for the application k-1. He said that is all that I will have to pay, but he has also said that he does not have any money saved for the costs that he will need to pay for the fees for his permanent residence fees once he is in the USA. I am concerned that he will come here and have nothing to contribute to those cost. I am a single mother of three. I really want to say to him that he needs to prove to me that he has the money for these cost. I cannot incure any debt as I have small children that depend upon me. He says that he will borrow money from family. I am thinking that maybe at this point that he may have been interested in me for entry into the US only. I am so confused. I have a dear friend from his country that I talk with, who has concerns that once he is here and after we meet the requirements for his citizenship that he will leave me. My friend has been more support than my fiancee has. I have known him for 2 years longer than my fiancee. I am thinking that I made a huge mistake in accepting his proposal. I am wondering if I am really in love with my other friend, but I do not know what to do.?

Any advise???

I understand your situation. When you petition the USA Government to bring someone here, you are the source of their finanaces. I think if I were in your situation this is what I would do. First decide if you really love this person, then if the answer is yes can this person come up with money up front? If he is willing, but does not have the money then wait until you have the money and have some talks on the financial end of all this. It will be awhile for him to find work.

There is nothing wrong with waiting to sort things out.

God bless and good luck.

Thanks. The primary problem is that he has not given me a plan that has any tangible quality to it. For him to simply say that he will borrow money is not enough. You are right, he needs to have some money to bring with him to avoid undue stressors in the first months that he is here.

[ashenflowers 5]

Wow.... to be honest... if my fiance had said to me that I would have to come up with the money to support myself my first few months in the U.S. or else don't bother coming because he's not willing to help me financially (clearly I'm paraphrasing)... we'd definitely have just called it off, because a) it's not happening, and B ) clearly he's not on my 'team'... so to speak. There's NO WAY that I would be able to come up with enough funds to cover my expenses, plus pay for moving, plus pay for immigration paperwork... etc etc...... (That being said, personally I am paying as much as I possibly can into the moving and immigration... and getting a job ASAP when I get my EAD... I will THEN be able to contribute financially to the marriage... but given my current situation.. i.e. living pay check to paycheck... I seriously find it impossible to save money.. and trust me... I do NOT live large, and I HAVE tried to save money... I just can't with my low income, and expenses)... If your fiance's situation is anything like mine (and I don't know what it is, so I'm guessing)... I think you're expecting a lot out of him. You're asking him to pull money out of his #### basically....

Marriage is TEAMWORK, and supporting EACH OTHER. If HE is not willing to get a job ASAP when he CAN legally in the U.S. and plans on being a bum for the rest of his life feeding off of you, that's one thing, but that's not the issue at stake I don't think. The issue is that you are unwilling to help him out during his first few months here when he can't legally work. EVERYONE going through the K-1 process is put into the situation where one spouse works, and the other legally can not, so clearly some support has to be happening there.... Yeah, you have kids, but I'm sorry but I say 'so what'... clearly you don't love him enough to do whatever it takes to be with him.

That's just my honest 2 cents.

Edited June 24, 2009 by ashenflowers

[depair 0]

Wow.... to be honest... if my fiance had said to me that I would have to come up with the money to support myself my first few months in the U.S. or else don't bother coming because he's not willing to help me financially (clearly I'm paraphrasing)... we'd definitely have just called it off, because a) it's not happening, and B ) clearly he's not on my 'team'... so to speak. There's NO WAY that I would be able to come up with enough funds to cover my expenses, plus pay for moving, plus pay for immigration paperwork... etc etc...... (That being said, personally I am paying as much as I possibly can into the moving and immigration... and getting a job ASAP when I get my EAD... I will THEN be able to contribute financially to the marriage... but given my current situation.. i.e. living pay check to paycheck... I seriously find it impossible to save money.. and trust me... I do NOT live large, and I HAVE tried to save money... I just can't with my low income, and expenses)... If your fiance's situation is anything like mine (and I don't know what it is, so I'm guessing)... I think you're expecting a lot out of him. You're asking him to pull money out of his #### basically....

Marriage is TEAMWORK, and supporting EACH OTHER. If HE is not willing to get a job ASAP when he CAN legally in the U.S. and plans on being a bum for the rest of his life feeding off of you, that's one thing, but that's not the issue at stake I don't think. The issue is that you are unwilling to help him out during his first few months here when he can't legally work. EVERYONE going through the K-1 process is put into the situation where one spouse works, and the other legally can not, so clearly some support has to be happening there.... Yeah, you have kids, but I'm sorry but I say 'so what'... clearly you don't love him enough to do whatever it takes to be with him.

That's just my honest 2 cents.

Thanks for your honesty. I understand what you are saying. I am concerned that he will not have at least half of the cost for the application for his permenant residency. That I cannot afford. I realize that sounds like I do not care enough for him, but my reality is that I need to think of my children. I can support him while he is looking for work but I just need some kind of contingency plan that I cannot get him to talk about. I am not saying that I will not support him during that time, but if I am right the cost for his AOS is around 1034. That I cannot pay for. I understand completely the cost that he will have to pay for his medical exam, crimminal clearences, visa, and travel expenses. I am only one person. I maybe having cold feet because of past experiences with my ex.. Which is past baggage that is my problem. The phrase to do whatever it takes is way too broad. I have to do whatever it takes to provide a good home for my kids first then a man. He has two businesses in his country. It just would be nice to have him discuss honestly his financial situation now instead of later. Please reread my statement: I said that I wish that I could say that to him, but I will not say that. Really, I wish you the best in your journey.