Need some advice,..

[Nessa 23]

i say this because, have you ever pushed a issue so hard, did everything you could to get your way but then later you changed your mind....now how do you apoligize without apoligizing, remember this is a young person, the word confusion and being a teen is a understatement> most at this age argue with parents but i doubt she really wants to leave her sister, twins have this bond that doesnt break, she just doesnt want to hear the (i told you so) or admit she was wrong

i agree it's possible, i just bet that it's not the case. i have divorced parents and i felt being shipped from one to another and it was terrible, but when i wanted to have it my way, i wouldn't do it by showing no respect and having the wrong attitude.

[Caladan 19]

A couple things that jumped to mind. When my sisters were in college, how fast they were packing to go back to school always went too slowly for my mother (who wanted to make sure they were ready) and too quickly for them (who saw no reason everything had to be packed two weeks early.) The stuff will probably get packed.

You've mentioned once that she's already wavered on whether she wants to go. This to me suggests that delaying about packing is more than just a power trip or typical teenaged laziness on her part. That doesn't excuse her rudeness, but it might explain where it is coming from.

I wouldn't pack for her, and I certainly wouldn't throw out her stuff. But depending on your relationship with her, you might want to just explain the consequences: if she doesn't pack the stuff, she either does without it for a year or she pays to have it shipped.

[NickD 202]

Call me old fashion, or even tell me to keep my big mouth shut, again, but would be very apprehensive to sending teen age daughters to a man, even if it is their biological father that is living with a girlfriend. Certainly not a good example for impressionable teenage girls.

Would feel that girlfriend doesn't care to have them around either.

[jodee 30]

Call me old fashion, or even tell me to keep my big mouth shut, again, but would be very apprehensive to sending teen age daughters to a man, even if it is their biological father that is living with a girlfriend. Certainly not a good example for impressionable teenage girls.

Would feel that girlfriend doesn't care to have them around either.

Wow dude,...Why are you so judgemental....And If I had a problem sending her in the first place, because of your described scenario, do you HONESTLY think I would have?

Ex hubby and said G/f have been in a defacto(common law marriage) for 3 years now,...and she has two children of her own that already live with them. The girls lived with their Dad for two years after I immigrated. I have no problems with them being with him. My kids know what is moralistically right and wrong when it comes to relationships. They have also learnt that marriage isnt always the best option either, and have accepted their fathers relationship without any qualms.

all I can say iss, thank you for your input,..

Edited January 26, 2009 by jodee

[Ontarkie 13,925]

If you think your daughter is still not sure if she wants stay with her dad for a year, could it be possible she may want to go for a shorter time so she can spend time with him but not feel like she has to start all over again making friends/getting used to a new routine and the girlfriends kids. Not sure if they met each other but it will still be different then before.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Without knowing your daughter's usual behavior, it's difficult to know what's going on in her head, but it sounds like she's reacting emotionally to being put in a very difficult position. Geez...I had a tough time after my parents' very acrimonious split--custody and visitation b.s., guilt trips, etc., that went on for years--but I never had to deal with the weighty decision of which side of the world to live on and which family members to leave behind. Maybe she felt that you were sort of rushing her out the door when you were getting on her about packing. Maybe she really didn't want to go and thought that you, as her mom, should intuitively know that. I get the impression from the initial post that she's having second thoughts about whether to leave but caved to her dad's wishes. If you suspect that's the case, maybe it's best to reword you position; instead of saying that you love and support her no matter what she decides, perhaps you could say that you'd support her completely if she wishes to stay (implying that you'd back her up should her dad throw a fit). You may also want to make it clear that you'd love for her to stay but don't feel that you're in a position to make that determination for her. But knowing that she has your support if she wants to stay may change how she's viewing the whole thing.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. It sounds like she's lashing out and is probably resentful that she has essentially been forced to make a very tough decision, with sacrifices either way. It's not an excuse for saying hurtful things to you and being defiant and disrespectful--that's a whole other subject--but I can sort of understand where she's coming from. It sounds like her word choice ("...when I'm good and goddamn ready") was intended to provoke a response.

By the way, has she left?

Edited January 26, 2009 by Big Agnes!

[Peikko 1,575]

Agnes is very wise.

Perhaps hanging around with Joyce, one just accrues wisdom.

[NickD 202]

Call me old fashion, or even tell me to keep my big mouth shut, again, but would be very apprehensive to sending teen age daughters to a man, even if it is their biological father that is living with a girlfriend. Certainly not a good example for impressionable teenage girls.

Would feel that girlfriend doesn't care to have them around either.

Wow dude,...Why are you so judgemental....And If I had a problem sending her in the first place, because of your described scenario, do you HONESTLY think I would have?

Ex hubby and said G/f have been in a defacto(common law marriage) for 3 years now,...and she has two children of her own that already live with them. The girls lived with their Dad for two years after I immigrated. I have no problems with them being with him. My kids know what is moralistically right and wrong when it comes to relationships. They have also learnt that marriage isnt always the best option either, and have accepted their fathers relationship without any qualms.

all I can say iss, thank you for your input,..

Could have told me to shut up or better yet, just ignored me, nothing judgmental in my post. Guardian of two, four natural, and step father of two more, that totals ten. Two I was guardian of and the two step children are from broken families, and got full custody of my two natural that were minors and came from a broken home myself knowing the hardships of stability. All my kids are over 18 now, all kept out of trouble, and most are very successful, still two in college yet, but honor roll students, that took a lot of work and sacrifice, and yes, I get a ton of fathers day cards.

Youngest stepdaughter had problems, I married her mom, not her, and didn't want to come here, but didn't want to stay with her biological father either. We worked things out, on her 18th birthday, apologized for wrecking her life, offered her $25,000.00 a plane ticket back to Venezuela, she just took the plane ticket. Couldn't do that for her before she turned 18 as her father wouldn't even give a letter of permission they required, but she visited him and came right back home with a different attitude, I gave her a choice, is in college now and doing very well.

So was just asking, does your daughter have a choice with her life? And you do not have to answer, really none of my business, but was just sharing my experiences.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Nick, your post was judgmental. If I read it correctly, you suggested that sending a teenager to live with a cohabiting (as opposed to married) parent would set a poor example for the kid. I think that aspect of things is low on the list of concerns in this situation.

[Danno 1,228]

Call me old fashion, or even tell me to keep my big mouth shut, again, but would be very apprehensive to sending teen age daughters to a man, even if it is their biological father that is living with a girlfriend. Certainly not a good example for impressionable teenage girls.

Would feel that girlfriend doesn't care to have them around either.

Yeah, I am not too keen on the Shack-up ####### either but the reality is, when you get divorced, you often trade one set of problems for another. The main one being your Ex and their life style is beyond your control yet very much a part of your kids life.

[Fandango 1,439]

Guardian of two, four natural, and step father of two more, that totals ten.

It does? Am I missing something?

Jodee...I'm late here, but how did it all go? to you my friend.

[Mykuls Merry Ann 4]

Isnt it odd that we have been children and teenagers before, but these alien creatures called teenagers are so complex and hard for us to understand?

I do think that divorce and separation from parents can really make a child act in weird ways and lash out in any way.

I see the years from 14 - 19 as the hardest years to raise a daughter from a fathers POV. Its good to hear the fathers who now have grown children do the "sigh" and the "thank God its over" thing. I like to hear them reminisce and look back and admit what they could of done better. Cant w8 till I get there. I feel like I am in the midst of rough waters swimming to the other side of a huge lake, and I still got so far to go. I can see the other side, but I got so far to go. But I know that when I get to the I will be wiser, stronger, safer, and a better man. Anybody got some fins?

[Mykuls Merry Ann 4]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

HA! Haha! OMFG! ROFLMFAO!!!!!

If you REALLY think that teenagers know the concept of "humble and appreciative".... Jeez, I'm crying here, I'm laughing so hard! Demons....I mean teenagers.....don't understand the concept of appreciation until they are adults. And humbled????? Not a chance in hell. She EXPECTS her Mom to ship her stuff to her. She EXPECTS Mom to do whatever she wants. She will feel nothing but justification for her actions if Mom bows down and does what is EXPECTED of her.

Thank you both.

yes, she would be appreciative, if I did send her a box later on. I do know this. Even though she is not the best teen right now, she does appreciate when something nice is done for her.

But , with that said, Platy is spot on! She does expect everything from me, and gives me nothing in return. It is a power game with her, and if I do give in, she will think that her actions are getting her what she wants and will continue to do the same....

Kids will always test the boundaries. It is their job. They simply want to see what works, and since the live in our homes, and they have to live based on our rules, its always going to be a power game for them. They want as much independence as they can get. Of course until they mess up, then they expect us to kiss their boo-boos. But even I can remember wanting badly to hurry up and get out on my own as a teenager.

[jodee 30]

Guardian of two, four natural, and step father of two more, that totals ten.

It does? Am I missing something?

Jodee...I'm late here, but how did it all go? to you my friend.

hey L,..

I did the math too, and it didn't add up to me either, maybe I missed something too,...I just decided not to point it earlier...

[NickD 202]

Guardian of two, four natural, and step father of two more, that totals ten.

It does? Am I missing something?

Jodee...I'm late here, but how did it all go? to you my friend.

Dang, left out, two adopted, did remember ten, but please don't ask me for their names. Have to look that up.