Separated and depressed

[Colada 0]

Reading this board about divorce just made me sad. I mean, we all tried so hard to be together, file all the paper work, attending interviews. And then, all of a sudden, things don't work out. I used to think that this whole experience will only strengthen the relationship and because we all tried so hard to be together, we wouldn't want to give up so easily. My husband and I are separated and I miss him every day. I wish so much that he can realize how much I love him and give up to be with him. At times, I doubt if he really love me. I know that I loved him and it just hurt that he would given up on our marriage so easily. Even though he and I didn't get along sometimes, we had our happy moments together. Being a divorce immigrant really makes it difficult. One is the immigration status and second is the loneliness. Most of my friends are either married or going to get married. They do not understand the difficulty of getting a divorce.

BTW, if anyone know of a good divorce forum (I would be happy if it is half as good as this one), please let me know.

[Dakine 26]

Sad but I have to agree with you. Seems like more and more separations are poping up.

At the same time the good thing is that in the long run things normally turn out better for everyone concerned.

[Aubrey 10]

Reading this board about divorce just made me sad. I mean, we all tried so hard to be together, file all the paper work, attending interviews. And then, all of a sudden, things don't work out. I used to think that this whole experience will only strengthen the relationship and because we all tried so hard to be together, we wouldn't want to give up so easily. My husband and I are separated and I miss him every day. I wish so much that he can realize how much I love him and give up to be with him. At times, I doubt if he really love me. I know that I loved him and it just hurt that he would given up on our marriage so easily. Even though he and I didn't get along sometimes, we had our happy moments together. Being a divorce immigrant really makes it difficult. One is the immigration status and second is the loneliness. Most of my friends are either married or going to get married. They do not understand the difficulty of getting a divorce.

BTW, if anyone know of a good divorce forum (I would be happy if it is half as good as this one), please let me know.

Ivillage has some great forums, including one on divorce and another on marital troubles. I'd check in there! The people were very nice to me in another similar forum.

Best of luck to you.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Im sorry for your situation.

Honestly, sometimes I have to stay away from those topics.. its easy to get depressed. Especially for those of us who havent even had the pleasure of being reunited.

Take care

[Colada 0]

Thank you all for the replies.

When I miss him, I have to try very hard not to contact him as it will only make me miss him more. I don't know if it was being I was an abused wife and that made me more vulnerable. How can I still love him after the way he treated me?! I guess love doesn't make sense.

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

Love is INSANE.... literally insane

[idocare 3]

I agree, sometime love doesen't make sense.

[NickD 202]

I knew my wife was right, neither of us had to push the other for a relationship, we were both excited to see each other. But have dated women that really pushed to get married, some, even before I knew their name.

I was attracted to some women, very attracted, but they weren't interested in me, that is the way the cookie crumbles, there was no after effects when breaking up, really can't be in love with a person that doesn't love you equally in return. And from experience, it's hell living with a person you can't trust, far better off being single. Said this before, my mating IQ was close to zero, read a lot on this subject.

Turned out the woman beyond my wildest dreams lived in a foreign country and found the experience to bring her here was downright humiliating. What right does our government have to come into my bedroom? And to dig deeply into every aspect of our lives? Are they liable if my marriage does fail? Hell no. I have state laws to follow and I am the one that is liable for my failed marriage.

Felt like I as a USC and a veteran of a foreign war was being treated as a kid by idiots. I feel they, our government has the right to do a background check to make sure on is not bringing in person that could be a threat to our national security, but that should be the end of it. No need to get so damned personal, and to treat us like criminals when there isn't even a sign of a crime being committed.

The only stress in our marriage to date, has been the USCIS and consider them to be an enemy rather than a friend, an enemy that I have to bend over backwards to please, totally against our US Constitution. Then attempts to isolate the alien in their process, hey, that isn't an alien, that is my wife!!!

[Sprailenes 47]

Colada, I read your post in the general as well. I am sorry and I hope it all works out for YOU. Regardless of whether he is in your life or not.

You don't get married while planning for a divorce, its hard. I can't imagine what you are going through, but this isn't your fault. If you decide to work things out, you should both go see a marriage counselor. He can't continue to do what he did to you. He needs anger management. But don't expect to think that you can change him. You can't. You're not superwoman.

Separating from each other isn't going to fix the situation because thats not how an abusers mind works. As soon as you get back together the cycle will continue again. Talk to counselors, and if you want it to work out you need to tell him that he needs help and he needs too be willing to help himself.

If it doesn't work out, then you are still alive and have successfully freed yourself from the cycle of abuse and you got out early. You will feel pain and will have a hard time trusting for a long time. But you will wake up every day and not have to worry about being hurt. That is an accomplishment.

Take care :hugs:

[Yiyi and Chris 0]

I like NickD comments it's just like reading my husband's words

Love is crazy, sane, hard, easy, ungly, beautiful, fills your heart, empty your heart,

[NickD 202]

Colada, I read your post in the general as well. I am sorry and I hope it all works out for YOU. Regardless of whether he is in your life or not.

You don't get married while planning for a divorce, its hard. I can't imagine what you are going through, but this isn't your fault. If you decide to work things out, you should both go see a marriage counselor. He can't continue to do what he did to you. He needs anger management. But don't expect to think that you can change him. You can't. You're not superwoman.

Separating from each other isn't going to fix the situation because thats not how an abusers mind works. As soon as you get back together the cycle will continue again. Talk to counselors, and if you want it to work out you need to tell him that he needs help and he needs too be willing to help himself.

If it doesn't work out, then you are still alive and have successfully freed yourself from the cycle of abuse and you got out early. You will feel pain and will have a hard time trusting for a long time. But you will wake up every day and not have to worry about being hurt. That is an accomplishment.

Take care :hugs:

I really cannot say anything positive about counselors either religious or secular. If the two of you can't work out your problems, how can simplistic suggestions from counselors help? Ha, in my own questions and research the religious counselors were single and most of the secular ones were already divorced at least once. If they can't even work out their own problems, how can they help you with yours?

Love is a scientific mystery, and that mysterious chemistry plays a very important role, it's a question of finding the right one and that can be classified as a true miracle. And you can't push it, it just happens. The most important factor on my list was asking myself, what about this person would I want to change, and the answer has got to be, nothing.

Hopefully, you will meet the right guy, you will know it.

[Sprailenes 47]

I do think counselling is a great way to get things off of your chest and assist couples in working things out. Sometimes couples aren't able to work things out on their own. Sometimes they need some mediation and direction.

Abuse is one of those things where the person suffering may want to talk to someone other than a message board or a friend whether she wants it to work out or not. The abuser, they need help too, as much as they are shitty for doing what they did, they need help so that they can deal with their anger better.

Of course its always up to the person. Not everyone is as strong as you Nick. I always think about counselors as the people who help put our thoughts in order when we're feeling jumbled. Of course you have to find the right one, just like finding a spouse I guess.

I had a great one in Canada, who helped me deal with many personal issues I was having and she was honestly amazing. I have had bad ones too though. It all depends.

And believe me counselors offer more than "simplistic" advice.

Edited August 22, 2008 by Sprailenes

[Peter 0]

I'm sorry about your situation. I wish you the best

[NickD 202]

I do think counselling is a great way to get things off of your chest and assist couples in working things out. Sometimes couples aren't able to work things out on their own. Sometimes they need some mediation and direction.

Abuse is one of those things where the person suffering may want to talk to someone other than a message board or a friend whether she wants it to work out or not. The abuser, they need help too, as much as they are shitty for doing what they did, they need help so that they can deal with their anger better.

Of course its always up to the person. Not everyone is as strong as you Nick. I always think about counselors as the people who help put our thoughts in order when we're feeling jumbled. Of course you have to find the right one, just like finding a spouse I guess.

I had a great one in Canada, who helped me deal with many personal issues I was having and she was honestly amazing. I have had bad ones too though. It all depends.

And believe me counselors offer more than "simplistic" advice.

Actually I have to agree with you if you enter the maturity factor into the equation. An acquaintance of my wife married a 52 year old guy that was still living with his mother, they had a lot of problems, but seemed to work them out. All she had to do was to read him a bedtime story at night, dress him in the morning, and fix him his favorite cereal. Now they are getting along just fine.

So help me God, what I said is true, this guy bawled like a baby at his wedding because he had to leave his mommy.

[chris39 0]

I knew my wife was right, neither of us had to push the other for a relationship, we were both excited to see each other. But have dated women that really pushed to get married, some, even before I knew their name.

I was attracted to some women, very attracted, but they weren't interested in me, that is the way the cookie crumbles, there was no after effects when breaking up, really can't be in love with a person that doesn't love you equally in return. And from experience, it's hell living with a person you can't trust, far better off being single. Said this before, my mating IQ was close to zero, read a lot on this subject.

Turned out the woman beyond my wildest dreams lived in a foreign country and found the experience to bring her here was downright humiliating. What right does our government have to come into my bedroom? And to dig deeply into every aspect of our lives? Are they liable if my marriage does fail? Hell no. I have state laws to follow and I am the one that is liable for my failed marriage.

Felt like I as a USC and a veteran of a foreign war was being treated as a kid by idiots. I feel they, our government has the right to do a background check to make sure on is not bringing in person that could be a threat to our national security, but that should be the end of it. No need to get so damned personal, and to treat us like criminals when there isn't even a sign of a crime being committed.

The only stress in our marriage to date, has been the USCIS and consider them to be an enemy rather than a friend, an enemy that I have to bend over backwards to please, totally against our US Constitution. Then attempts to isolate the alien in their process, hey, that isn't an alien, that is my wife!!!

I'm with you. Does not make any sense.