Fear of it not working out

[baxxy 0]

I'm so pleased to hear that, I experience the same thing!

When I visit Bill, one day I can be excited about moving over and we'll be discussing our future. And the next day I'll be pointing out all the things I dislike about his country and a million other things will come up like how I'm not going to be with my friends because of this stupid process and I hate that we're going to be living in a suburb... and we'll end up arguing!

Of course I don't actually *dislike* the US really, it's just that I'll go through a day where I'm not feeling positive about changing my whole life for somewhere "unsure", and the more Bill tries to defend his country, the more it annoys me at the time. Once we've had a little fight and made-up, it's usually back to normal and I'll see the positives again.

Oh yes... We are not alone... And we are not insane... Although I fairly often think that I am.

I think we should all talk to our USCs about this, as it is important that they don't take it personally. Let's tell them we need empathy and understanding, not 'rationally talking out of it'

I love this thread. Thanks Baxxy.

Scarlett, I'm glad you got something out it. I know that there has to be a lot of people on here who fear the same thing but are either too scared to voice it or have their heads stuck in the sand. I say whats on my mind, and I'm glad I posted this, I got some great feedback, a lot of tips, and have since felt better about the whole situation.

[Damian P 92]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.

Spot on, fella. And it's those petitions cluttering up the USCIS system that are holding the genuine ones up.

Edited August 1, 2008 by Damian P

[MariaKarlaMabulay 0]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

--------------

First off, we all know that this waiting process will sure drive us into frustrations, mixed emotions and what not. But never in my mind appeared a single shadow of a doubt about my feelings or fears that things might not going to work out when the time come that Ill be living with my fiance and I never heard or even feel that my Fiance ever think about it as well. He is very positive as I am. Our faith in Love drove us into a wonderful bond of friendship and love partnership. So I might as well suggest to You, Sir that you would do the same. Always think of the positive ideas, I know things cant be perfect at all times but working out with you and your loved one together, Im sure it will work. Just dont ever give a communication gap a way to fill in between. Most of the relationship has ended because of miscommunication. What I always do is to ask if there are thing i dont understand. Im just glad he always cater my curiosity. Have you seen the movie 50 First Date, sir? I know i sound ridiculous but mind you that movie brought a big help to our relationship. You see the guy in the movie fell in love with a girl who has amnesia and short term memory loss, everytime she wakes up in the morning she can never remember what had happened yesterday. That sure is a great work for the guy to keep reminding her their love everyday. Everyday when they kiss the girl always exclaimed "nothing beats the first kiss". With her its like everyday she fell in love and everyday she feels that its her first kiss and love. My point is, they celebrate love everyday like its their FIRST even they already spent 8 months until they got married and had a daughter. I am amazed his effort of doing this eeveryday of his life to his wife. See how love can do? Like in the song, It is Magic when 2 people fall in love. When you are deeply in love all those worries will drift away, Just keep the LOVE and the Faith Sir, you will be fine. And love actually works both way so i hope that what you give to your partner is what you receive as well or more. For me I always give my best in Love and he always try to beat it. Its cute.

You and your partner will be fine. Love never measures how long have you been together. As long as you both have the space to learn new things and know how to compromise, I hope you believe me when i say, Trust me it will be alright. Love will DO all the magic for you two

Just stay in love.

- Maria♥

[Laura+Tom 2]

I wonder where I've heard that before?! I'm like 'what if I can't find a job I like, you know how long it took me to get this one' or 'what I don't like where we live?'. He keeps telling to stop worrying and that it will be fine. It's strange, one day I'll be like I'm sooo excited, the next I'll be omg what am I doing? Sometime's it only takes one little thing for me to swap between the two.

Oh yes, I recognise this neat little description.

I can be very happy and confident and then if there is a little trigger (like once these guys were learing at me in an american bar) and I get this kind of darkness come upon me where I hate: America, Americans (sorry - i don't really), his home town, the lack of "culture", his friends, his ex-wife (well naturally )... And usually I have to have a good rant and cry to feel better.

I had a good talk with a friend who lived in Japan for 5 years and she said that this happened to her about every 3 months or so. She thinks it is just a reaction to having your sense of identity threatened, when you are out of your culture.

I guess this is the flipside of Baxxy's original post - this is the insecurity of the ones who have to leave everything behind...eeek. And maybe something for the USCs to be aware of, and be tolerant of if they can.

I'm so pleased to hear that, I experience the same thing!

When I visit Bill, one day I can be excited about moving over and we'll be discussing our future. And the next day I'll be pointing out all the things I dislike about his country and a million other things will come up like how I'm not going to be with my friends because of this stupid process and I hate that we're going to be living in a suburb... and we'll end up arguing!

Of course I don't actually *dislike* the US really, it's just that I'll go through a day where I'm not feeling positive about changing my whole life for somewhere "unsure", and the more Bill tries to defend his country, the more it annoys me at the time. Once we've had a little fight and made-up, it's usually back to normal and I'll see the positives again.

Yay, I am not alone!!

[HannahP 119]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.

Spot on, fella. And it's those petitions cluttering up the USCIS system that are holding the genuine ones up.

Ya'all are getting mighty haughty for people who aren't even living with your spouses yet.

[bora bora 1]

One note on the "50% of divorces, 80% living together before marriage divorce" statistics... Those figures, while becoming popular lore, are factually untrue. They are not accurate, and they do not reflect what is happening in America. This is where stats become tricky--people manipulate numbers to make their point, and then it gets repeated so often that is perceived to be true.

All evidence points to divorce rates declining in the U.S. (although the credit crunch may change that), and we are now at the lowest divorce rate since the 1970s (before no-fault divorce was introduced in most states). Divorce has decreased among highly educated couples and those who wait longer to marry. So the news isn't all bad--lots of marriages succeed.

I think this day and age MOST people do live together before getting married (I'm talking about Americans since it seems most couples on VJ did not).

I know that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce - I'm sure that Hollywood stars have helped these statistics too. Some people marry/divorce 3/4 times.

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.

Spot on, fella. And it's those petitions cluttering up the USCIS system that are holding the genuine ones up.

In that case I assume you think your relationship is the genuine one? Why should we believe that when you feel the need to express your doubts about other people´s relationships?

[Damian P 92]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.

Spot on, fella. And it's those petitions cluttering up the USCIS system that are holding the genuine ones up.

In that case I assume you think your relationship is the genuine one? Why should we believe that when you feel the need to express your doubts about other people´s relationships?

What a very good question - allow me to answer it for you:

A) The age difference between us is 3 years

B - We're both decidedly average in the appearance stakes - about 5 or 6 outta ten. We've always been well aware of this, and have cut our cloth accordingly.

C) We've been together 7 years.

D) For 2 of those years, (2004 - 2006) we lived together - take note, Hannah P (lol @ you saying "y'all" - my missus is a hick too!! )

That do ya, Scott & Marta?

Edited August 1, 2008 by Damian P

[KarenCee 3]

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.

Spot on, fella. And it's those petitions cluttering up the USCIS system that are holding the genuine ones up.

In that case I assume you think your relationship is the genuine one? Why should we believe that when you feel the need to express your doubts about other people´s relationships?

What a very good question - allow me to answer it for you:

A) The age difference between us is 3 years

B - We're both decidedly average in the appearance stakes - about 5 or 6 outta ten. We've always been well aware of this, and have cut our cloth accordingly.

C) We've been together 7 years.

D) For 2 of those years, (2004 - 2006) we lived together - take note, Hannah P (lol @ you saying "y'all" - my missus is a hick too!! )

That do ya, Scott & Marta?

The age difference between my husband and I...14 years. We are still married and he has GC in hand and guess what...he's still here! Yeah, I'd say it's pretty dam real. Age difference does NOT indicate success or failure...or bogus relationship.

We're both average in appearance...but why anything to the contrary is an issue here boggles my mind. So you and others are saying that those who have average appearances (btw, who is qualified to judge that?) that are engaged/married to one who is attractive (again, by whose standards) are bogus?

We've been together four years...nuff said. Living together before marriage does NOT indicate success or failure of any relationship. We never lived together but apparently our marriage is working out just fine.

None of us on this message board are qualified AT ALL to make judgments about anyone else's relationship. If you choose to think this in your own mind, that's your right. But why do any of you have the right to pass judgment like this on this message board...and what if someone questioned YOUR relationship. I'd wager a guess that you would be pretty upset. Think about that.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Spot the bogus ones please turn them in and get rid of the files so the rest can move forward, to bad you dont work for immigration, could save everyone alot of time with this information

Many a marriage that wasnt bogus has now ended for other reasons so whose to know.........

[Damian P 92]

The age difference between my husband and I...14 years. We are still married and he has GC in hand and guess what...he's still here! Yeah, I'd say it's pretty dam real. Age difference does NOT indicate success or failure...or bogus relationship.

That's great, Karen; I'm glad it's worked out for you. If you read one of my earlier posts, then you'll see that I always hope things work out.

We're both average in appearance...but why anything to the contrary is an issue here boggles my mind. So you and others are saying that those who have average appearances (btw, who is qualified to judge that?) that are engaged/married to one who is attractive (again, by whose standards) are bogus?

Karen, you're either incredibly naive or in complete denial - birds of a feather stick together. How often do you see middle-aged (or old-aged even) men, who drive buses, or collect trash, or sweep the streets, with gorgeous young wives on their arms? Erm, never would get my vote. Conversely, how many times to you see middle-aged/old-aged men with a shedload of moolah with trophy wives on their arms? Erm, pretty much all the time I'd say.

Yeah, Karen, beauty is in the eye of the beholder alright - provided the price is right.

We've been together four years...nuff said.

Like I said before - good for you.

Living together before marriage does NOT indicate success or failure of any relationship.

Sorry, but I disagree - living with someone day in, day out, is the only real way to get to know a partner properly.

We never lived together but apparently our marriage is working out just fine.

Without wishing to be repetitive, good for you.

None of us on this message board are qualified AT ALL to make judgments about anyone else's relationship. If you choose to think this in your own mind, that's your right. But why do any of you have the right to pass judgment like this on this message board

Mmmmmmm, like I said, the whole, "river in Egypt" thing

..and what if someone questioned YOUR relationship.

I would refer them to my earlier post (you know, the 'A,B,C' one)

I'd wager a guess that you would be pretty upset.

Actually, no. No I wouldn't.

Think about that.

Ok then

[Damian P 92]

Spot the bogus ones please turn them in and get rid of the files so the rest can move forward, to bad you dont work for immigration, could save everyone alot of time with this information

Believe me, I'm working on it - it's my dream job.

Edited August 1, 2008 by Damian P

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

What a very good question - allow me to answer it for you:

A) The age difference between us is 3 years

B - We're both decidedly average in the appearance stakes - about 5 or 6 outta ten. We've always been well aware of this, and have cut our cloth accordingly.

C) We've been together 7 years.

D) For 2 of those years, (2004 - 2006) we lived together - take note, Hannah P (lol @ you saying "y'all" - my missus is a hick too!! )

That do ya, Scott & Marta?

Nope that doesn´t do it for me. None of the reasons you stated indicates to me that your relationship is any better than anyone elses. A good quality relationship doesn´t depend on how old anyone is. It´s a matter of being a good partner to someone who you love and not about how many candles each of you have on your birthday cake that year. Appearance isn´t an indicator either cuz good quality relationships actually grow from loving the person they are and not judging their face and counting their wrinkles. It doesn´t matter for how long you have been together. It might matter if you meet someone and marry them within a week, but it might not be an indicator either. They can as well live happily ever after. Many people live together for a while prior to getting married and many of those marriages fail too.

Nope, your answer isn´t satisfactory and I don´t think petitions of other couples should be put on hold because of you and your maybe bogus relationship

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

Living together before marriage does NOT indicate success or failure of any relationship.

Sorry, but I disagree - living with someone day in, day out, is the only real way to get to know a partner properly.

Tell that to all the millions of people who had to get divorced after finding out they were living with a complete stranger and were lied to for years and years in a row. Stop being arrogant and wake up.

[Damian P 92]

Nope that doesn´t do it for me. None of the reasons you stated indicates to me that your relationship is any better than anyone elses. A good quality relationship doesn´t depend on how old anyone is. It´s a matter of being a good partner to someone who you love and not about how many candles each of you have on your birthday cake that year. Appearance isn´t an indicator either cuz good quality relationships actually grow from loving the person they are and not judging their face and counting their wrinkles. It doesn´t matter for how long you have been together. It might matter if you meet someone and marry them within a week, but it might not be an indicator either. They can as well live happily ever after. Many people live together for a while prior to getting married and many of those marriages fail too.

I rolled my eyes at this bit of your reply, I really did.

But then....................

Nope, your answer isn´t satisfactory and I don´t think petitions of other couples should be put on hold because of you and your maybe bogus relationship

........I thought, "haha, this one at least has a sense of humour...!!"

...but then you went and spoiled it all with.............

Tell that to all the millions of people who had to get divorced after finding out they were living with a complete stranger and were lied to for years and years in a row. Stop being arrogant and wake up

Quit while you're ahead, S&M, quite while you're ahead......

Edited August 1, 2008 by Damian P