Fear of it not working out

[tashyta 0]

I cant help but have this fear about things not working out when my fiancee arrives here, eventually. I mean shes coming here alone, she has no family or friends here, I am it for her. Now the thing is, what if things just dont work out for us here? Ive been to visit her a few times already and the most we spent together straight was 2 weeks. We had great times but that was just a vacation. You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

I went through all this myself. We were dating for 3 years and in March 2007 I left everything and moved to US to be with him. We had everything couples usually have. But we didn't get married the first 3 months. Actually we never did. I lived there with him for a bit more than year. We were trying to solve our problemt (he was too busy with his business problems - he is owner of the business and his business was slowly goinf down). So, in June 2008 I came back to my country. Of course now I have 3 year bar just because I was giving him a lot of second chances

But I don't regret anything we had, I loved him greatly and I still do. Now he sais that as soon as he solves all his problems he will come back for me, but I am not sure that I want to go through all this one more time.

It is sad but you can't do anything. Don't be afraid of anything, don't focus on that. Just try your best for it not to happen. Of course when you start to live together you will start to learn about each other from the very beginning. But don't be afraid of that!!! Just try to sopport her as much as she needs it, trust me it will be very hard for her to be there.

Good luck to you and God bless you. Hope everything will work out for you!

[Scarlett 0]

I wonder where I've heard that before?! I'm like 'what if I can't find a job I like, you know how long it took me to get this one' or 'what I don't like where we live?'. He keeps telling to stop worrying and that it will be fine. It's strange, one day I'll be like I'm sooo excited, the next I'll be omg what am I doing? Sometime's it only takes one little thing for me to swap between the two.

Oh yes, I recognise this neat little description.

I can be very happy and confident and then if there is a little trigger (like once these guys were learing at me in an american bar) and I get this kind of darkness come upon me where I hate: America, Americans (sorry - i don't really), his home town, the lack of "culture", his friends, his ex-wife (well naturally )... And usually I have to have a good rant and cry to feel better.

I had a good talk with a friend who lived in Japan for 5 years and she said that this happened to her about every 3 months or so. She thinks it is just a reaction to having your sense of identity threatened, when you are out of your culture.

I guess this is the flipside of Baxxy's original post - this is the insecurity of the ones who have to leave everything behind...eeek. And maybe something for the USCs to be aware of, and be tolerant of if they can.

Edited August 1, 2008 by Scarlett

[Gemmie 142]

I'm so pleased to hear that, I experience the same thing!

When I visit Bill, one day I can be excited about moving over and we'll be discussing our future. And the next day I'll be pointing out all the things I dislike about his country and a million other things will come up like how I'm not going to be with my friends because of this stupid process and I hate that we're going to be living in a suburb... and we'll end up arguing!

Of course I don't actually *dislike* the US really, it's just that I'll go through a day where I'm not feeling positive about changing my whole life for somewhere "unsure", and the more Bill tries to defend his country, the more it annoys me at the time. Once we've had a little fight and made-up, it's usually back to normal and I'll see the positives again.

[Scarlett 0]

I'm so pleased to hear that, I experience the same thing!

When I visit Bill, one day I can be excited about moving over and we'll be discussing our future. And the next day I'll be pointing out all the things I dislike about his country and a million other things will come up like how I'm not going to be with my friends because of this stupid process and I hate that we're going to be living in a suburb... and we'll end up arguing!

Of course I don't actually *dislike* the US really, it's just that I'll go through a day where I'm not feeling positive about changing my whole life for somewhere "unsure", and the more Bill tries to defend his country, the more it annoys me at the time. Once we've had a little fight and made-up, it's usually back to normal and I'll see the positives again.

Oh yes... We are not alone... And we are not insane... Although I fairly often think that I am.

I think we should all talk to our USCs about this, as it is important that they don't take it personally. Let's tell them we need empathy and understanding, not 'rationally talking out of it'

I love this thread. Thanks Baxxy.

[Gemmie 142]

I think we should all talk to our USCs about this, as it is important that they don't take it personally. Let's tell them we need empathy and understanding, not 'rationally talking out of it'

:lol:

"Calm down", "be rational about this", "we'll work it out" etc = all not helpful at the time!

Then again, arguing the points that I bring up = also not helpful!

Poor Billy...

[Scarlett 0]

I think we should all talk to our USCs about this, as it is important that they don't take it personally. Let's tell them we need empathy and understanding, not 'rationally talking out of it'

:lol:

"Calm down", "be rational about this", "we'll work it out" etc = all not helpful at the time!

Then again, arguing the points that I bring up = also not helpful!

Poor Billy...

The best response my Dave ever came up with was "Yeah, sometimes I don't like americans either" - That shut me up

[Gemmie 142]

Or "yeah, well... the government are idiots."

I am SO showing him this thread later. He'll feel less alone in the frustration of dealing with an emotional freak that isn't such a freak.

[villaspurs 65]

One note on the "50% of divorces, 80% living together before marriage divorce" statistics... Those figures, while becoming popular lore, are factually untrue. They are not accurate, and they do not reflect what is happening in America. This is where stats become tricky--people manipulate numbers to make their point, and then it gets repeated so often that is perceived to be true.

All evidence points to divorce rates declining in the U.S. (although the credit crunch may change that), and we are now at the lowest divorce rate since the 1970s (before no-fault divorce was introduced in most states). Divorce has decreased among highly educated couples and those who wait longer to marry. So the news isn't all bad--lots of marriages succeed.

[Damian P 92]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

[MichelleN 0]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

While I understand what you're thinking, don't you feel it's a little....well....mean to even mention something like that? Maybe it's just me but even when I think something like that, I won't voice it in a public forum where said people come. To me, this forum is essentially for the purpose of making people happy and helping them to be together with someone they love. Who are we to pass judgment on the validity of their relationship just because of an age difference. What about people who (in one person's opinon) is less than beautiful and is marrying a stunning partner. Should we assume the love's not there and they're only in it for the green card? Be happy for the people on the board. We need to support each other and help each other out. Going around saying things like that isn't going to do anything but hurt feelings

[Damian P 92]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

While I understand what you're thinking, don't you feel it's a little....well....mean to even mention something like that? Maybe it's just me but even when I think something like that, I won't voice it in a public forum where said people come. To me, this forum is essentially for the purpose of making people happy and helping them to be together with someone they love. Who are we to pass judgment on the validity of their relationship just because of an age difference. What about people who (in one person's opinon) is less than beautiful and is marrying a stunning partner. Should we assume the love's not there and they're only in it for the green card? Be happy for the people on the board. We need to support each other and help each other out. Going around saying things like that isn't going to do anything but hurt feelings

Sorry Michelle, but I call it as I see it. It's not that I don't want the relationships in question to work out, it's just that I very much doubt they will, and I don't like to see decent people being taken advantage of, that's all.

[MichelleN 0]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

While I understand what you're thinking, don't you feel it's a little....well....mean to even mention something like that? Maybe it's just me but even when I think something like that, I won't voice it in a public forum where said people come. To me, this forum is essentially for the purpose of making people happy and helping them to be together with someone they love. Who are we to pass judgment on the validity of their relationship just because of an age difference. What about people who (in one person's opinon) is less than beautiful and is marrying a stunning partner. Should we assume the love's not there and they're only in it for the green card? Be happy for the people on the board. We need to support each other and help each other out. Going around saying things like that isn't going to do anything but hurt feelings

Sorry Michelle, but I call it as I see it. It's not that I don't want the relationships in question to work out, it's just that I very much doubt they will, and I don't like to see decent people being taken advantage of, that's all.

But you know nothing about their relationship outside of a picture you see that makes you immediately think "Nope, won't work. He/she is using them for the greencard." And again, that's not what this forum is about. People come here for help and support, not to be told they're being used or that it will never work. It's perfectly fine to have an opinion about another person's relationship but it's another thing to state it so blatantly.

[Damian P 92]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

While I understand what you're thinking, don't you feel it's a little....well....mean to even mention something like that? Maybe it's just me but even when I think something like that, I won't voice it in a public forum where said people come. To me, this forum is essentially for the purpose of making people happy and helping them to be together with someone they love. Who are we to pass judgment on the validity of their relationship just because of an age difference. What about people who (in one person's opinon) is less than beautiful and is marrying a stunning partner. Should we assume the love's not there and they're only in it for the green card? Be happy for the people on the board. We need to support each other and help each other out. Going around saying things like that isn't going to do anything but hurt feelings

Sorry Michelle, but I call it as I see it. It's not that I don't want the relationships in question to work out, it's just that I very much doubt they will, and I don't like to see decent people being taken advantage of, that's all.

But you know nothing about their relationship outside of a picture you see that makes you immediately think "Nope, won't work. He/she is using them for the greencard." And again, that's not what this forum is about. People come here for help and support, not to be told they're being used or that it will never work. It's perfectly fine to have an opinion about another person's relationship but it's another thing to state it so blatantly.

Just the way I am I'm afraid - if I think it, I say it.

[baxxy 0]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

I'm with you Damian P.

[baxxy 0]

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

Melusine, I have been DYING to say this ever since I joined this site, but refrained from doing so to avoid incoming abuse. Fair play to you for saying it - you've made me feel a whole lot better. I've looked at photos of some of the couples on here, and quite frankly, I'm embarressed for the guys. I mean, do they really think these pretty young things are in love with them, and they're not going to disappear just as soon as the GC is in hand?

As a wise man once said: no fool like an old fool.

While I understand what you're thinking, don't you feel it's a little....well....mean to even mention something like that? Maybe it's just me but even when I think something like that, I won't voice it in a public forum where said people come. To me, this forum is essentially for the purpose of making people happy and helping them to be together with someone they love. Who are we to pass judgment on the validity of their relationship just because of an age difference. What about people who (in one person's opinon) is less than beautiful and is marrying a stunning partner. Should we assume the love's not there and they're only in it for the green card? Be happy for the people on the board. We need to support each other and help each other out. Going around saying things like that isn't going to do anything but hurt feelings

Sorry Michelle, but I call it as I see it. It's not that I don't want the relationships in question to work out, it's just that I very much doubt they will, and I don't like to see decent people being taken advantage of, that's all.

But you know nothing about their relationship outside of a picture you see that makes you immediately think "Nope, won't work. He/she is using them for the greencard." And again, that's not what this forum is about. People come here for help and support, not to be told they're being used or that it will never work. It's perfectly fine to have an opinion about another person's relationship but it's another thing to state it so blatantly.

Just the way I am I'm afraid - if I think it, I say it.

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately some people don't like to hear opinions that are different to theirs, but oh well! No offense Michelle, but there is a lot of people on this site whose relationships are bogus.