Does jealousy vary across cultures?

[Niels Bohr 72]

The hymen can be torn by tampons, physical movement, abuse, etc...Many girls who use those stick tampons sometimes loose their hymen.

[anonymoususer 0]

Just be careful what you share, you don't have to go in to details.

Yes! I learned that the hard way.

The hymen can be torn by tampons, physical movement, abuse, etc...Many girls who use those stick tampons sometimes loose their hymen.

Exactly...that's why it is very difficult to even find tampons in the stores in my fiance's country. I was shocked!

[Ban Hammer 14,293]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

those in bold indicate to me that you have a real problem on your hands. do you really wish to sign up for more by continuing with a visa for someone who verbally abuses you?

[SaadBell 0]

Bless your heart, now that you spilled it; just try to minimize the damage. When he asks a question, just be very vague, and tell him that you really can’t remember, so it meant nothing, keep playing it down, way down. I don’t like that he makes you feel like trash, you are not trash, and I know that not all those middle east girls are angels, how dare him. Like I said before just keep it vague, and remember, you don’t remember much. Good luck to ya.

[sj5 4]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

those in bold indicate to me that you have a real problem on your hands. do you really wish to sign up for more by continuing with a visa for someone who verbally abuses you?

kick him in curb. no matter how faithful you're he will always fighting with you about your past bfs

Edited May 24, 2008 by SJ

[william_wallace 8]

It certainly seems to me thats it's a control issue here. If it's like that in the begining, what will it be like in a year or 2. I cant understand it myself why women or men going on about past relationships. In the past ffs. I dont have a problem with my fiances past husband or boyfriends and vice versa.

[KandD 1]

It certainly seems to me thats it's a control issue here. If it's like that in the begining, what will it be like in a year or 2. I cant understand it myself why women or men going on about past relationships. In the past ffs. I dont have a problem with my fiances past husband or boyfriends and vice versa.

Its called Insecurity

[confuseddd 0]

I am also posting under an annonymous name.

I have gone through the exact same situation with my husband. When I read your post, it looked like I was writing it. My husband also comes from a culture where women are expected to be virgins (but the men seem to go see prostitutes). I had told him a very low number, even lower than the real number because I knew he wouldn't approve. But that wasn't even good enough! I wish I had never told him anything, but I can't take it back now, and neither can you. Every single time we have a fight he brings it up, like your fiance does. He has gone through my personal things in search of photographs and ways to bring up his jealousy. When we have a fight he brings up my past, repeats how he can't get over it, threatens to leave me, and has on occassion called me some awful names. He especially has called my girlfriends names (girls he has never met, or met just once) because he knows I have gone out with them and they knew me when I had so-and-so boyfriend. They're prostitutes, they're sluts, they're bad influences, they're (insert lame attack here)!

Its been a never ending cycle and I warn you now while you are still engaged...it is not likely to get better. It hasn't for me and I've done a lot of searching for help in this matter. I've explained myself countless times. I was firm. I demanded he "get over it" like others are giving advice here. Nothing worked. My family even sat him down one night when he freaked out and explained to him how my past is my past. How he needs to get over it if he really loves me. We've all tried everything. But yet he still throws a temper tantrum at times about it. Its an excuse to always be upset with me. Plenty of time has gone by for him to realize I love him and want to be with him, not my ex's, but he still can't get over picturing his wife not as pure as he wanted I guess.

I don't know where you are in the visa process yet. Is he still in his country? Do you have other problems as well? Reaaaaaally sit and think hard about the other aspects of your relationship. Is it worth it to bring this guy over who is already abusing you? You deserve so much better than that. I know its easier said than done (trust me, I KNOW). Everyone told me to run while I could. But I stuck with it, we got married, and things went downhill after that for many other reasons as well, but that jealousy was a major, huge, gigantic, massive reason. I suggest you break up while you can and either find someone more open-minded, or next time don't share your past sexual information. I've learned my lesson big time!

If you need to PM, feel free to write me.

Edited May 24, 2008 by confuseddd

[jom 4]

He calls you names and you are not even married yet? Time to do some soul searching if you really want to be married with this person who doesn't respect you.

My husband knows my past and we don't talk about it. He feels very secure.

For my part, I feel so secure and don't feel jealous because my husband doesn't do anything to make me feel jealous of anything. We both live in the present and for our future. We learned from our pasts , they even helped us to be better persons but we don't dwell on it. What is important is now.

As what the others say, I believe that insecurity wont go away, even if you are already married, so you might want to thing 100 times before saying I DO.

Just a thought. Goodluck and may God guide you in making the right decision.

Myla

[bhajishah 4]

Sounds like he is jealous of you and the things you got to do and he didnt. IMO,Thats the real Freudian twist on matters. .. You have always been living in this open culture. he knows that and should have respected that fact. Or he just playing you for a planned fall, blaming you.. Sounds like a creep!! Kick his Azz straight. We have a dont ask dont tell policy.. I know from step brothers and knowledge of culutres that thoys bos arent vigins they just hide wthier affairs. Here we dont. So I dont ask about cousins, and etc family, friends,goings ons , and i dont tell him about good Iowa country girls and the country side etc.. Because then was then and here is now. so he need to grow up and shut up. and you need to quit blabbing

[sereia 0]

so he need to grow up and shut up. and you need to quit blabbing

now tell us how you REALLY feel...

[DARUMA07 25]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

Your Past is Your Past...... Period!! You sound like you are a very sincere and faithful woman. I wouldn't put up with it.(name calling, verbal abuse) No woman or man deserves this kind of treatment! Let this be his Loss. Move on with your life and find a real man who will accept you for who you are!!!!! Good Luck to you!!!!

[AlHayatZween 2]

he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things.

What's disturbing is that he calls you names and says very disrespectful things. On the surface, I would say that he is immature and insecure. These situations don't tend to get better. In fact, they tend to become increasingly worse. To answer your original question. No! I have not seen or dealt with anything like this since high school and college, and as you can tell, I did not marry any of those women. Enough written...

Hi Anonymous,

i have to agree with the Sheriff on this one... Jealousy is one thing, but degradation and disrespect are quite another. And yes, he may be from a different culture where women are held to different expectations, but degradation and disrespect are not cultural norms... for any culture. Degradation is personal and very harmful.

i'm so sorry to hear you are having difficulties, and i hope you choose the best path for you. Just a couple of cents, take it or leave it: Please don't excuse his behavior as "cultural differences," that someday you will adapt, or he will get over it. Even if someone is jealous or hurt, there are other ways of dealing with it than calling you names and saying mean things to you...

Take care of you,

hz

[Mina76 0]

He calls you names and you are not even married yet? Time to do some soul searching if you really want to be married with this person who doesn't respect you.

Myla

You said exactly what I wanted to say Myla!

anonymoususer, I would seriouslly think this through before getting in deeper with this man, especially in marriage!

[Alhamdulillah 0]

Just be careful what you share, you don't have to go in to details.

I was gonna make the very same suggestion.

I had an ex like this once and from my own experience, his opinion of you isn't likely to change unless he gets some sort of counseling and really changes his POV.

Jealousy is one thing.... harping on something that's long over with is something else altogether.