What are the legalities of desertion after green card is recieved

[garya505 2]

"after 8 month of trying she has now deserted me..."

Do you mean both you and your fiance/wife tried to marriage work? Or do you mean your wife/fiance tried to find work for 8 months?

It sounds to me by what you said that your wife did not marry you just to abandon you later and that she loves you. But for FINANCIAL REASONS she is forced to find work and MUST GO WHERE THE WORK IS.

It is very common for Chinese people to live away from their homes if that is the only way they can make money. Forced be seperate from their families with only New Years Holiday to see them.

If your income is insufficient to provide for her and allow her to send some money back to relatives in China (this is important responsibility in Chinise culture), then of course she will go where she can earn a dollar.

(I know, I was married once to someone from Tibet/China)

Sorry, but it sounds to me by your own words that she tried to "make things work."

I'm sorry I wasn't very clear. We worked on getting the green card for eight months and finally did. She said that she must raise $25,000.00 USD for a heart operation for her mother. I offered to pay for it but she refused saying that she must earn it. It will take a very long time for her to earn it waiting tables! Why not get a job around home instead of California? I make good money, money was not an issue.

Wow! Sorry to say this but this reeks of an opportunist.

[Caladan 19]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

I agree that at least it doesn't sound like a typical fraud case in that he knows where she is and where she's working, but it strikes me as strange that she isn't working nearby.

OP,

You mention a recent trip to China; did something happen on that trip? Someone suggesting a job for her, or her mother falling ill?

In any case, at this point, with a 10-year card, there's very little that can cause her to lose her permanent residency. You can't withdraw your affidavit of support for a residency application that is already approved. Divorce doesn't end her residency or your support obligation, either.

If you suspect she entered into the marriage primarily for immigration benefit, you can report that to USCIS.

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for replying, I do appreciate it! She is working in a low paying job, eleven hours a day, six days a week. It will take some time for her to earn enough money. She also has her living expenses. She has called me once in the last month. She speaks no English and I very little Chinese. What if the mother doesn't last two or three more years? Why not accept my offer to pay for the operation and pay me back slowly if thats her choice. Why work three thousand miles from home instead of here? You said in your reply that a Chinese woman chooses to give their love to the husband they've chosen. I do not understand this? I am trying very hard to understand this situation but I feel lost, depressed and that I'll never see her again. I cannot contact her as she says there is no phone. She can not use an English computer, we can not communicate.

[melusine 5]

just a question... would it be possible for you to move with her for a little while and see what's going on ? and from there see what can be done.

It's a tricky situation as to know if she used you or not. At least she didn't took the money you were offering (wich probably mean she is proud and want to do it on her own without you paying for her even if it takes forever).

I wonder how do you guyz communicate ? (hardly little english and chinese) how did you fell in love ? (this is just my own curious question)

Immigration takes time to adjust and is not always easy (took me about 1.5 years to adjust from france to french canada).... i guess it might be way longer if the language is not the same, even longer if you don't speak it before you come.

I think i would give a chance to the relationship (she doesn't want a divorce, she said it.... if she doesnt care, and would be dishonnest, she would probably at least get your 25k and leave).

It's tricky and i don't know much about culture difference with people from china.

But i do have a couple i know who went to live back in china (he is chinese from france, she is chinese from china) and she did went to work away for a while too. They have a kid and the little girl was leaving at her grandparents place for a few years too. I guess this is just a big cultural thing.

[Dennis Miller 0]

just a question... would it be possible for you to move with her for a little while and see what's going on ? and from there see what can be done.

It's a tricky situation as to know if she used you or not. At least she didn't took the money you were offering (wich probably mean she is proud and want to do it on her own without you paying for her even if it takes forever).

I wonder how do you guyz communicate ? (hardly little english and chinese) how did you fell in love ? (this is just my own curious question)

Immigration takes time to adjust and is not always easy (took me about 1.5 years to adjust from france to french canada).... i guess it might be way longer if the language is not the same, even longer if you don't speak it before you come.

I think i would give a chance to the relationship (she doesn't want a divorce, she said it.... if she doesnt care, and would be dishonnest, she would probably at least get your 25k and leave).

It's tricky and i don't know much about culture difference with people from china.

But i do have a couple i know who went to live back in china (he is chinese from france, she is chinese from china) and she did went to work away for a while too. They have a kid and the little girl was leaving at her grandparents place for a few years too. I guess this is just a big cultural thing.

Thank you for your reply! It is impossible for me to move 3000 miles away at this time. I have a house that I almost have paid for and a good job that I have been at for 13 years. Why did she not get a job here instead of so far away? She now has to pay for living expenses. I have recieved one phone call in the last month and could not understand the Chinese, she may have been telling me bye!

[Dennis Miller 0]

yes i agree working far from home doesn't mean fraud!

sometimes you have to consider the culture! i am from a culture also who is very close to families! "close family ties", i was brought up that way too!

maybe after she earns the money she needs she'll come back and live with your happy home.

do you phone her everyday? as long as constant communication is there, then you both are fine!

Thank you for your reply! Why work far away from home when you can work around home and live at home? We cannot communicate, she says there is no phone there and she cannot use an English computer. I have suggested she write to me via US post office in Chinese and i will get translated, I suggested buying a phone and minutes. I have not heard back. If she would contact me regularly then I would feel much better. Thank you again!

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

[Dennis Miller 0]

After three years of surviving the visa process and getting her here and after finally getting her green card after eight months of trying she has now deserted me. I would like to know if this is legal for her to do or if immigration would rescind her visa, green card? I will probably not turn her in if it is illegal but I need to know if this is something legal for her to do after getting the green card? I still love her very much and she says she loves me but must go elsewhere to work. I don't know if anyone here would know this or not but maybe you could refer me to a website or something? Thank You! I am new at using this site so I don't know how to find out if anyone knows? Help??

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I wish to thank everyone for their ideas! You have helped me very much! i have replied to many of you and have also asked more questions in the replies. I appreciate your help. Most of my replies have shown up on page two. I am not real familiar with how this site operates yet!

3/23/2008

[pushbrk 12,184]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for replying, I do appreciate it! She is working in a low paying job, eleven hours a day, six days a week. It will take some time for her to earn enough money. She also has her living expenses. She has called me once in the last month. She speaks no English and I very little Chinese. What if the mother doesn't last two or three more years? Why not accept my offer to pay for the operation and pay me back slowly if thats her choice. Why work three thousand miles from home instead of here? You said in your reply that a Chinese woman chooses to give their love to the husband they've chosen. I do not understand this? I am trying very hard to understand this situation but I feel lost, depressed and that I'll never see her again. I cannot contact her as she says there is no phone. She can not use an English computer, we can not communicate.

Is there no way for you to mail her a letter, translated into Chinese if you feel that she would better understand you, detailing some options that would be avilable for her, while remaining with you. You seem to think that her choice to move so far away is at cross purposes to her stated objective, which is to earn enough money to pay for her mother's medical care. Why not put your thoughts on paper and have her contact you to discuss this. I am not struggling with the notion that you feel lost and abandoned, since her abrupt departure, but I do struggle with the notion that you have not developed a means to communicate better in the 7 months that you claimed you lived in "happy matrimony". How was it that you could communicate then, but don't appear to be able to do so now?

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

If I understand you correctly you are saying that she chose me for practicality not love and she may not be in love with me?

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for replying, I do appreciate it! She is working in a low paying job, eleven hours a day, six days a week. It will take some time for her to earn enough money. She also has her living expenses. She has called me once in the last month. She speaks no English and I very little Chinese. What if the mother doesn't last two or three more years? Why not accept my offer to pay for the operation and pay me back slowly if thats her choice. Why work three thousand miles from home instead of here? You said in your reply that a Chinese woman chooses to give their love to the husband they've chosen. I do not understand this? I am trying very hard to understand this situation but I feel lost, depressed and that I'll never see her again. I cannot contact her as she says there is no phone. She can not use an English computer, we can not communicate.

Is there no way for you to mail her a letter, translated into Chinese if you feel that she would better understand you, detailing some options that would be avilable for her, while remaining with you. You seem to think that her choice to move so far away is at cross purposes to her stated objective, which is to earn enough money to pay for her mother's medical care. Why not put your thoughts on paper and have her contact you to discuss this. I am not struggling with the notion that you feel lost and abandoned, since her abrupt departure, but I do struggle with the notion that you have not developed a means to communicate better in the 7 months that you claimed you lived in "happy matrimony". How was it that you could communicate then, but don't appear to be able to do so now?

I will definitely mail to her as soon as she gives me an address where she is and can receive mail at. I will send it in Chinese. While she was here for the eight months she was slowly learning English from me and from an English course I bought for her [Pimslear]. I was also learning some Chinese. We mostly concentrated on Nouns. We also had an electronic translator. At this point in time I email her sister in China, she translates it there, reads it and relates it to my wife when she calls her. Then she emails to me. This has only happened once in the last month!

[pushbrk 12,184]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

If I understand you correctly you are saying that she chose me for practicality not love and she may not be in love with me?

I'm saying that's a distinct possibility, though she may have chosen to give her love to you. "In love" is not generally a requirement in advance of commitment from a Chinese woman. So, her commitment may well be intact. Communication will be required to know the answer.

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

If I understand you correctly you are saying that she chose me for practicality not love and she may not be in love with me?

I'm saying that's a distinct possibility, though she may have chosen to give her love to you. "In love" is not generally a requirement in advance of commitment from a Chinese woman. So, her commitment may well be intact. Communication will be required to know the answer.

So if she doesn't love me then why stay in the relationship? She just wants me for security? So far I have found her to be truthful but will avoid questions she doesn't want to answer. She may never be in love with me.

[pushbrk 12,184]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

If I understand you correctly you are saying that she chose me for practicality not love and she may not be in love with me?

I'm saying that's a distinct possibility, though she may have chosen to give her love to you. "In love" is not generally a requirement in advance of commitment from a Chinese woman. So, her commitment may well be intact. Communication will be required to know the answer.

So if she doesn't love me then why stay in the relationship? She just wants me for security? So far I have found her to be truthful but will avoid questions she doesn't want to answer. She may never be in love with me.

You are confusing "loving you" with "being in love". I suppose it's a common error but they are not the same thing in any culture. Again, I'm only pointing out a possibility for you to consider. I don't know your wife or anything about your relationship you haven't written here.

I do suggest you learn more about how the Chinese view marriage. You'll get a lot more opinions and probably a better understanding if you'll read previous discussions or start your own in the culture forum at http://www.candleforlove.com It's a forum like this but just for China/USA fiance and marriage visa issues.

Living apart for extended period due to work issues is just not uncommon for Chinese couples. Some patience may be all you need to end up with a wonderful wife and happy life.