Husband kissed another woman

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I know there may be a poop fling after I say this but I've considered your situation and here is what I'm going to tell you.

You're Christian so you're apt to stay with this man on principal and work it out. You're codependent to the point you've been had for 66K, treated like a doormat from an semi-unemotionally supportive Husband, and you've completely uprooted your family and way of life putting you in a compromising situation.

Alright now I'm going to say it. I can see you don't really have a choice but to stay with your Husband and work it out. It's like being stuck between a rock and hard spot and you have children to consider as well. On the brighter side he is leaving for awhile which allows you more energy for yourself that was just being drained emotionally when he is there. Allow him to financially support you and the family while he is away. Take advantage of the degree of independence his time away allows you and the family. Go to your local women's shelter or center and seek information about the cycle of abuse and co-dependency and get someone to talk to there. Knowledge is power! Take your Husband up on the marriage counselor and work through it since he is willing to. Most importantly go to your church and involve yourself in their community for a spiritual and social resource and place your faith and marriage in God's hands to help guide you.

We're here if you need us but I know there has to be helpful people and resources around you that you can reach for.

[JJWashington 0]

You are a wonderfully patient and understanding woman. I personally would not put up with ANY of the things you mentioned.

Same here.

And I'd like to point out that there is a fine line sometimes between being patient and understanding, and being a doormat. The physical abuse is very, very worrying and utterly unacceptable.

If he is willing to go to counseling, great. Go. Together. Like yesterday.

If he is unwilling to go to counseling, or starts but then drops out at the first hint of criticism of his behaviour (like my ex did), I hope you will continue to go on your own.

Being tolerant, understanding, and tenacious about keeping your commitments is a good example to set for your kids. Taking abuse is not... imagine if it led to them becoming abusers or settling for a spouse who abuses them.

Just my $.02. Best wishes...

I totally agree.

I am sorry for what you are going through and wish you the best.

Maya

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi,

For a minute, forget about the $$$, forget about kissing another woman, and forget about spiritual beliefs-just for a moment.

This man put his hands on you. No one has a right to physically harm you.

That ALONE is reason to run. You mention that you have children. Are they witness to their mother being abused? Think about what they feel. Children see and hear more than you think.... Lead them by example. Have the strength of character to show them this is NOT acceptable. Teach your daughters to be strong, and have self esteem. Teach your sons to respect you and ALL women. More likely than not, if he is hitting you, it is only a matter of time before your children are next in line.

Statistically, sons in a household such as this will learn to treat woman with dishonor and disrespect. Daughters grow up with poor self esteem, and will most likely be attracted to an abuser. Forget about YOU, and put THEM FIRST. You brought them into the world-therefore it is incumbent upon YOU to provide them with leadership.

Have faith in your God to see you through this. Have faith in the fact that if you choose to leave him, you are showing your children great strength. Most importantly, have faith in yourself and KNOW YOU CAN get through this. Without him holding you and your children down.

All The Best to You,

Rose

[Nutty 2]

I am not pooping on your comment, But....

I would like to add one other suggestion to this....

Since your husband is can not be trusted to stay sexually exclusive to you and may go with other women, please make sure to always use condoms when having sex with him. To protect yourself from catching STD's.

Be safe!

Edited January 17, 2008 by Nutty

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

You are indeed a very patient person.

Follow your heart. Only you can do what's best for you and your children.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in this world.

~Laura

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I feel for you and the situation you are in. It takes a patient person to put up with what your husband has done.

The problem with your husband, is not if he loves you or not, cause we are not here to judge that. It's that he doesn't respect you. Not as a wife, not as a woman. If he respected you as a wife and partner he would never touch another woman or make statements about his plans of resisting temptation while away in the military. If he respected you as a woman, he would never lay a hand on you. He left marks on you for life, and on your kids who saw it. Your kids may think he's a good daddy when he's fun to play with, but they remember when he hit their mommy. You are letting yourself suffer through this, but don't let your kids.

You are too good to people. You helped your family out financially, you helped him out too. You need help, now it's time to put yourself first. Take care of YOUR needs.

Like one of the previous posters said, he may be leaving for military duty to a place where he can take you & the kids but chooses not to. If this is the case, take this time for yourself to gather & power up. You are a strong woman for doing so much for others, now do it for yourself! Take this time he'll be away to gather your thoughts about you being better off without someone who disrespects you. What he is doing will likely not stop. Once he hits, he continues to hit. Once he cheats, he's never 100% faithful.

You deserve better, you know you do. Don't settle.

[Need Advice 0]

Thank you all for your advice. It is wonderful to know that people are out there who are willing to help and in doing so have helped me feel stronger in myself.

I have to say that my husband had never hit a woman before. He is going to see a psychiatrist soon and has been to councelling and is also going to anger manangement classes. This was all his choice. He was extrememly upset about how things spiralled out of control because of his lies and guilt at what he had done. He has not laid a hand on me since it all came out and says it will not happen again. HE informed the military about his actions, therefore he knows that I can and will inform them if anything else happens. He has told his family of what he did and they were obviously upset with him and are there for us both. He also knows that if he was to do any of this again, his family would not look favourably on him at all. My children were not present when he hit me, therefore they are unaware of this.

His mother was an alcoholic and there were a lot of issues in his childhood. His parents are now divorced and his mother has made major changes in her life. His father never hit her, but I am now aware he did something similar to her. His sister has been to councelling and has said how much it has helped her. I know this does not excuse his actions, but without explaining this, I feel that you may not understand that he does have a good, caring and loving side to him.

We are involved in the military. Any of you that may have been or now are must be aware of the marital problems that come with that. I don't know many couples that have not had issues, whether that be the spouse that stays here or the spouse that is away. I know that my husband has witnessed spouses doing all manner of things and going home as if nothing has happened. Porn is a daily fact of life and strip clubs are the major hang out. Not with all, especially when they have been in a while and have made the mistakes that have ruined marriages. He has explained about being away and the temptation. He doesn't want to go to clubs, he doesn't want to be unfaithful. He said he wants to come home and look me in the eye knowing he has nothing to hide. I can only liken it to being an alcoholic I guess. Knowing you do not want to have a drink, but being afraid of that first trip to the bar with friends. I guess once you have made it through once, you know you can do it again.

We are unable to go with him when he is away. I know if he could go somewhere he is able to take us, he would. That is not an issue. He has he's good points. Believe me if he didn't I wouldn't still be here. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with what he's done and move on, or leave now.

[zqt3344 21]

It could get better or it could get worse if you stick with him, just be prepared for the downside of what could happen and cover your A _ _ ! just in case things go south later on. Good luck.

I am hoping that people can give me advice and help my decision from here on in.

We were married 1 year 5 months ago. We went through the K3 visa route. My ex-husband, although he didn't have much to do with my children - even told me to abort my youngest, who's now a wonderful 4 year old - refused permission for me to leave with the children. They wanted to come, love it here, but he still refused. I had to go to court to get the right to bring them, which I won hands down. This cost $22,000, so I had to sell my house to pay for it. We all had to move to my parents and live in cramped conditions for 10 months. My brother was going through a bad time financially and begged to borrow $66,000 for a few months. It's been 1 year 3 months now and I don't believe I am going to get this back. As I needed the money I had to use credit cards and a loan to cover it, hoping that I would get it back to pay them back. This never happened and I ended up defaulting on the payments, as when I left my country I no longer had the funds to cover the payments. I am now blacklisted.

When I met my Husband, he had debts, an old car and lived in a small apartment. I paid his debts off when we started immigration and I sold my house, we have since bought a house here, all new furniture and he has a nice truck. This was as much for the children to get here to a home, but he obviously had the benefits while we were waiting to get here.

I have christian beliefs. Other people have other points of view and that is their choice, but my husband knew how I felt about things and therefore had the chance to NOT MARRY ME. I do not like porn in my marriage, I believe it is cheating. He was aware of this and told me time and again that he did not do it. He even went as far as to say to me that he didn't want me to cheat during out marriage and that it was very important to him as his wife cheated on him. He also said he would never cheat on me.

We moved here last summer. Things were fine at first, but when certain things were mentioned it would start huge arguments where he would be verbally abusive. He was getting so angry over small things that I was suspicious of why. He then started pushing me and shouting at me. On three occasions he has put his hands around my throat and once hit me around the head hard enough for me to fall back onto the bed.

Just before Christmas he admitted that he was looking at porn regularly on the internet, until about a year ago. He also admitted that at Christmas '06, while he was travelling to see us and to have a marriage blessing in my local church with my whole family, he met and kissed another woman on the airplane. He had a long layover in the states and started talking to her. He chose to sit next to her on the plane and he was the one that instigated the kiss. He continued to sit next to her and even helped her through the rest of steps until they had picked up their baggage. He then came through the gates and kissed me hello, as if nothing had happened.

I feel like a knife has been shoved in my chest. He said he is very sorry, nothing like this will ever happen again, that he loves me and wants me to stay. He has said he will never hit me again. He is in the military and is due to go away in a few months. He has said that he thinks that he can be faithful, but has also said that with what is on offer to military overseas, he is also worried that the temptation may get the better of him, as it did in his previous marriage.

We had only been married 4 months when he kissed this other woman. I don't know what to do. I can go back to my own country, but I have no money left, no home, no job and have been blacklisted. Every time I mention it he uses the kids as a reason why I should not go back. I realise that they are settling here, they love him ( he is a loving step-father ) and that it would be awful to put them though it, but my choices are limited. He pleads with me to stay and work it out - we are going to go to councelling. The problem is, I adored him. I was faithful. I was flirted with plenty of times and never did anything. I gave him everything and this is how he repays me. I still love him and would like to work it out. I will eventually forgive him, but will I forget??? I have known for 4 weeks now and I still get upset occasionally. I may ask a question about that day, or try to get answers as to why he did it. He doesn't like me bringing it up at all and wants to move on with our life. He doesn't like to feel guilty, it makes him feel bad. Even if I could drop it and move on, what message would that give to him?? That I will easily forgive, so he can do it again?

I truly do not know what to do. I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on now so he cannot hurt or disappoint me again. He may be true to his word and be faithful. He may never hit me again. He may never look at porn again. He may be able to stay away from strip clubs and lap dances while away - he did this during his previous marriage. I may be able to move on and feel the way I used to about him. I know he did not sleep with her, that at least is one blessing, but given different circumstances - being at a bar after drinking alcohol, etc. - would the situation have been different?

You are all going through this process of immigration. How would you deal with this situation when you had given up so much to be together, only to find you had been lied to, cheated on and then hit??? Would you go back to your own country and try to get by or would you stay and try to save the marriage?

[Carlawarla 1]

Thank you all for your advice. It is wonderful to know that people are out there who are willing to help and in doing so have helped me feel stronger in myself.

I have to say that my husband had never hit a woman before. He is going to see a psychiatrist soon and has been to councelling and is also going to anger manangement classes. This was all his choice. He was extrememly upset about how things spiralled out of control because of his lies and guilt at what he had done. He has not laid a hand on me since it all came out and says it will not happen again. HE informed the military about his actions, therefore he knows that I can and will inform them if anything else happens. He has told his family of what he did and they were obviously upset with him and are there for us both. He also knows that if he was to do any of this again, his family would not look favourably on him at all. My children were not present when he hit me, therefore they are unaware of this.

His mother was an alcoholic and there were a lot of issues in his childhood. His parents are now divorced and his mother has made major changes in her life. His father never hit her, but I am now aware he did something similar to her. His sister has been to councelling and has said how much it has helped her. I know this does not excuse his actions, but without explaining this, I feel that you may not understand that he does have a good, caring and loving side to him.

We are involved in the military. Any of you that may have been or now are must be aware of the marital problems that come with that. I don't know many couples that have not had issues, whether that be the spouse that stays here or the spouse that is away. I know that my husband has witnessed spouses doing all manner of things and going home as if nothing has happened. Porn is a daily fact of life and strip clubs are the major hang out. Not with all, especially when they have been in a while and have made the mistakes that have ruined marriages. He has explained about being away and the temptation. He doesn't want to go to clubs, he doesn't want to be unfaithful. He said he wants to come home and look me in the eye knowing he has nothing to hide. I can only liken it to being an alcoholic I guess. Knowing you do not want to have a drink, but being afraid of that first trip to the bar with friends. I guess once you have made it through once, you know you can do it again.

We are unable to go with him when he is away. I know if he could go somewhere he is able to take us, he would. That is not an issue. He has he's good points. Believe me if he didn't I wouldn't still be here. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with what he's done and move on, or leave now.

Thanks for getting back to us, and updating your situation. While I'm very glad your husband is getting some help, his choice of a psychiatrist, and anger management is probably not the best choice. Firstly, unless he has some type of mental illness, he should be seeing a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. This is about his behaviour. Period. Secondly, a man who has hit you, should not be attending "anger management". This isn't about managing his anger, this is about stopping his abuse of you. This isn't a couple thing either, it's HIS issue, HIS responsibility and he has to take appropriate treatment. Having worked with abusive men for years, my suggestion if you're able, would be not to even live with him, until he's addressed his issues, and that a third party, or treatment team appraise the situation before he is allowed to return home.

I have no doubt he's a loving and caring man, albeit with issues that must be addressed. I'm glad his family, and his employer knows about this as well. He'll be accountable to many people, not just himself in this area.

Being in the military is no excuse for his, or anyone else's behaviour. I don't understand that part of what you're saying. Please don't let him use his alcoholic mother, or "other guys", or the military as an excuse either. This is here and now, and he must do something about HIS behaviour, because he's the only one responsible for it.

Best of luck in his endeavours. Please keep safe. If you want to talk about his at all, please feel free to PM me.

[Nutty 2]

It sounds to me you are excusing his actions...the whole thing, the abuse, the strip clubs, everything.

But if you are desparate and have other alternative, then I guess the only choice is to rationalize and excuse bad behavior.

Let's see if his promises to "change" come true or not.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I think whatever counseling he goes to, or you go together to is good. Anger management is good too, no one there will tell him there were excuses to hit his wife. He needs to control himself and there is never an excuse for abuse. It seems he is making positive steps. I just hope he is truly making them, and you aren't making excuses for him (like the alcoholic mom). If you do not want him to go to strip clubs, watch porn, or kiss other women, and he does, there are no excuses for that behavior. That is plain disrespect and disregard for you.

Don't make excuses for him or his actions. At first you were real mad about the porn, now "Porn is a daily fact of life and strip clubs are the major hang out. Not with all, especially when they have been in a while and have made the mistakes that have ruined marriages. He has explained about being away and the temptation." Military or not, being away or not, is no excuse. If he loves you and knows you dont approve of it he wouldn't do it. Temptation is for those whose heart may not be where it should.

All of us here on VJ have been through long separations, so we all know what it means to be away from each other for long periods of time. Excuses for temptation in my opinion are b.s.

[sarahaziz 0]

Listen you are a very strong woman and you dont need to be dependent on ANY man or woman. The ex husband he's forgotten but you should learn from that experience. This new husband who has cheated after 4 months if you are acceptable to that and show you are to his feet he will do it again. Nobody understands what they have until they have lost it. I believe you are worth more than what you are getting treated and I don't think you should continue supporting this man. If i was in your shoes honestly I could see he wanted me to wait for him to come back so I could support him. Pornography is a sin, talking flirting to another woman is a sin. If you have thought or lusted in your heart for another man or woman you have sinned. Only your wife and your kids should stay in your heart and above your parents after marriage. I say if you need to study further your studies, get a good job to support your kids, take child support from the father of the kids have joint custody from where you can have freetime to yourself to date and find a good man. Things don't look good now but these are experiences to make you stronger . If a man doesnt show concern in taking care of you hes a deadbeat

[*JG* 2]

Thank you all for your advice. It is wonderful to know that people are out there who are willing to help and in doing so have helped me feel stronger in myself.

I have to say that my husband had never hit a woman before. He is going to see a psychiatrist soon and has been to councelling and is also going to anger manangement classes. This was all his choice. He was extrememly upset about how things spiralled out of control because of his lies and guilt at what he had done. He has not laid a hand on me since it all came out and says it will not happen again. HE informed the military about his actions, therefore he knows that I can and will inform them if anything else happens. He has told his family of what he did and they were obviously upset with him and are there for us both. He also knows that if he was to do any of this again, his family would not look favourably on him at all. My children were not present when he hit me, therefore they are unaware of this.

His mother was an alcoholic and there were a lot of issues in his childhood. His parents are now divorced and his mother has made major changes in her life. His father never hit her, but I am now aware he did something similar to her. His sister has been to councelling and has said how much it has helped her. I know this does not excuse his actions, but without explaining this, I feel that you may not understand that he does have a good, caring and loving side to him.

We are involved in the military. Any of you that may have been or now are must be aware of the marital problems that come with that. I don't know many couples that have not had issues, whether that be the spouse that stays here or the spouse that is away. I know that my husband has witnessed spouses doing all manner of things and going home as if nothing has happened. Porn is a daily fact of life and strip clubs are the major hang out. Not with all, especially when they have been in a while and have made the mistakes that have ruined marriages. He has explained about being away and the temptation. He doesn't want to go to clubs, he doesn't want to be unfaithful. He said he wants to come home and look me in the eye knowing he has nothing to hide. I can only liken it to being an alcoholic I guess. Knowing you do not want to have a drink, but being afraid of that first trip to the bar with friends. I guess once you have made it through once, you know you can do it again.

We are unable to go with him when he is away. I know if he could go somewhere he is able to take us, he would. That is not an issue. He has he's good points. Believe me if he didn't I wouldn't still be here. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with what he's done and move on, or leave now.

Thanks for getting back to us, and updating your situation. While I'm very glad your husband is getting some help, his choice of a psychiatrist, and anger management is probably not the best choice. Firstly, unless he has some type of mental illness, he should be seeing a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. This is about his behaviour. Period. Secondly, a man who has hit you, should not be attending "anger management". This isn't about managing his anger, this is about stopping his abuse of you. This isn't a couple thing either, it's HIS issue, HIS responsibility and he has to take appropriate treatment. Having worked with abusive men for years, my suggestion if you're able, would be not to even live with him, until he's addressed his issues, and that a third party, or treatment team appraise the situation before he is allowed to return home.

I have no doubt he's a loving and caring man, albeit with issues that must be addressed. I'm glad his family, and his employer knows about this as well. He'll be accountable to many people, not just himself in this area.

Being in the military is no excuse for his, or anyone else's behaviour. I don't understand that part of what you're saying. Please don't let him use his alcoholic mother, or "other guys", or the military as an excuse either. This is here and now, and he must do something about HIS behaviour, because he's the only one responsible for it.

Best of luck in his endeavours. Please keep safe. If you want to talk about his at all, please feel free to PM me.

While I am a pretty strong minded woman and have many issues with what you have put up with, I can actually see how you may be blaming some of his behavior on his mother and upbringing.

My own husband has some issues we deal with....very minor compared to yours......but, still there, and I blame some of it on his upbringing and his mother. It makes me a kinder, gentler person when I put it in that perspective. In the end, though, he has to take responsibility for himself and not use that as a crutch. It's a cop out to say a grown man cannot control his impulses because of the way he grew up.

I respect that you have taken the time to get the thoughts of others on this issue. It clearly shows me you are really thinking this out and trying to find a solution. We live in such a throw away society where people tend to cut and run rather then work things out. Not saying whether you will be able to work it out or not, but I respect you for trying.

I wish you the very best in however it all plays out. Be safe above all.

[Jengles 0]

Listen you are a very strong woman and you dont need to be dependent on ANY man or woman. The ex husband he's forgotten but you should learn from that experience. This new husband who has cheated after 4 months if you are acceptable to that and show you are to his feet he will do it again. Nobody understands what they have until they have lost it. I believe you are worth more than what you are getting treated and I don't think you should continue supporting this man. If i was in your shoes honestly I could see he wanted me to wait for him to come back so I could support him. Pornography is a sin, talking flirting to another woman is a sin. If you have thought or lusted in your heart for another man or woman you have sinned. Only your wife and your kids should stay in your heart and above your parents after marriage. I say if you need to study further your studies, get a good job to support your kids, take child support from the father of the kids have joint custody from where you can have freetime to yourself to date and find a good man. Things don't look good now but these are experiences to make you stronger . If a man doesnt show concern in taking care of you hes a deadbeat

No she hasn't, acting on those thoughts/lust that is the sin

[sj5 4]

kick in curb