Us Old Folks

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm 39 and he's 41. Not the oldest, but not young either. However, we feel like we might as well be in our early 20's again.

I went through a rough divorce after 16-year of marraige, 11 spent as a stay-at-home mom. My ex made quite a bit of money as a top advertising executive, but due to the way his salary is structured, I am left receiving almost nothing in the way of child support or alimony. I am now struggling to make ends meet and re-enter the workforce, but am stuck in a part-time job a Starbucks that doesn't pay the bills. I was also just passed over for a big promotion that would have solved all my problems, money and benefits wise. Things are so tight that I've had to get food from the local food bank at times. Worst of all, my ex, who is rolling in dough now, prefers to watch me, and therefore his kids, suffer, rather than to ensure we have the electric and heat turned on in the house. What a creep.

My fiance will be leaving his career and all the connections he has made when he come to the US, and will have to start from scratch as well. I have no idea what type of employment he will be able to find, or how long it will take. But since whatever alimony I make will come to an end, it better not take too long.

So after years of living comfortably and securely, it will be as if we are both in our early 20's, struggling to make it with two kids. No vacations, no big-screen tv, no second car, no college for my children. Not even ordering pizza for dinner on a Friday night.

But it will sure be worth it.

Oh, this sounds familiar.

I was married 26 years. My son and I struggled as well. My child support was adequate, but when I re-married I of course lost the alimony. My ex always paid the support on time, but there was no additional help ever. Not with any of his son's expenses for instruments or lessons; not for any of his expenses in his senior year; and no help for college either. He earns over 80K a year and phoned a week before my son was to go to college to see if he was going to be 'all right'. #######? Why ask now?

We had been struggling. For two years. My husband has found good work but it doesn't pay a lot - enough but not a lot. I too work part time. It's a great job except not enough hours. Leaving to go to another law office wouldn't make sense - I've hard interviews for full time positions with both city and county government, but every time I've been the 'second choice' to someone's relative who needs a job.

Eventually we sold the house that had been my home and my son's home and moved to a smaller one.

It is hard - but it's going to be worth it. We have started over again in a place that is now strictly ours. No ghosts.

[shannon65 2]

I'm 42 and my fiance is 43. I think it will be harder for him to learn English than for a younger man and we'll have to see what kind of job he can get. He will have my help as well as support from other immigrants at the Korean church I go to. And we both have children that will be affected, by the marriage and his also by adjusting a new culture. He's not leaving behind any wonderful career so we're not worried about that. He will be leaving elderly parents and his sisters and I don't know how much he will be able to visit them. His plans have already caused an estrangement from his family; they don't want him to bring his children here. So yes I think it is different for us than for a younger couple.

[Don E 0]

It has been interesting to read the replies in this thread. While I still don't see any unique challenges for Tania and me, because of our age, as we enter into the K-1 process, I can share what I believe may be a challenge for us as we look ahead. Having been through this process before and with there being many similarities with the previous set of circumstances, I believe that I am in a position to fairly well anticipate what challenges may lie ahead for us.

Tania has been teaching English at a university for a long time. Additionally, she does private tutoring and has done alot of interpreting. So, naturally, she would like to be able to work as a teacher or professor when she comes over here. Of course, first there will be the credentials evaluation to determine her American equivalent degree(s)/education, and then teaching certification. I believe that one of the most difficult things that we may face will be Tania coping with leaving behind the career that she has had for so long, not being able to work for a period of time, being totally reliant on me for a while, and trying to find a job that she will be happy with.

But, before we ever met, she had decided that if she found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, she would give up the life that she has always known and go to live with him.....wherever he might be. I am tied, because of my young son, to the area where I live now. So, there was never any question as to where we would live after we're married. And, we both agree that as long as we are together, that is what matters the most.....everything else will work out and we'll be just fine.

We're still getting everything gathered so that I can file the petition, and we hope to file very soon. Here we go!

[Mrs.J06 4]

I think finances matter more to older folks than to the couples in their 20s and early 30s. This plays a role in deciding where to move to, also.

In our case, by husband would have loved to move to Germany with me (at least for a while) but money was what kept him from doing it. He's 50 and feels like he can't afford to not feed his retirement funds for a while, and it's difficult to find a job in Germany that pays decently if you are older than 45 and have only limited German language skills. He was still recovering from an expensive divorce, too, so there was simply no way he could afford moving away from a secure, well paying job.

We did go by who makes more money (him) and who would have less trouble finding a job in the other country (me). Had we been in our 20s, I'm sure we would have either moved to Germany or a totally different country for a while.

I, like many others in this thread gave up a position in a company I'm sure I will not have anytime soon in the US, if ever. I lived in my own house, financially independant. It was worth it, however, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The only thing I really deeply regret is the fact that I moved my financial resources to the US way too early!

[BlakeandOlha 0]

I am 46 and my SO is 34

I think that one of the challenges us olders have over the youngers (20's) is that we have more "history" especially when it comes with children from a previous marriage. I think it can be difficult for them to get thier arms around a person (figuratively and literally) that they can not see or touch. This is something that the younger set does not even have to consider. But the basics are the same whether it is a fiance from the same country or from the other side of the world - patience, talking, involvement. I have been divorced for over 11 years so at least I get to avoid the "recently divorced dad" with children issues. Then there are the prejudices that arise whenever someone finds the love of their lives in a far off land. Silly, but irritating nonetheless. I think age and experience has given me both wisdom and patience, well mostly..... I should be filing next week, so I'm sure both will be put to the test.

[chispas 0]

In our case, by husband would have loved to move to Germany with me (at least for a while) but money was what kept him from doing it. He's 50 and feels like he can't afford to not feed his retirement funds for a while, and it's difficult to find a job in Germany that pays decently if you are older than 45 and have only limited German language skills.

Just out of curiosity, why is it hard to find a job in Germany if you are older? I have freinds there who have said the same thing, but I just thought they were not qualified for many jobs.

[HighwayStar 0]

After searching for some time, I managed to find this thread again.... I had seen it before I became a member, then I forgot to post about my own experience, as I often do.

Though I don't feel old at all, my ID says I'm 47, which I suppose would make me middle-aged. My fiancé, the USC, will be 39 in July - younger than me, but not significantly so - and he is the one who was married with kids. Sometimes I jokingly refer to myself as a 'professional old maid', who had chosen to remain single rather than face disappointment in love once again. Well, a couple of years ago, life gave me a wonderful gift in the shape of Michael's love, and now we are ready to send in our petition for the K-1 visa.

As other people who have posted in this thread, I have a home, assets and a steady job (I'm a government official) here in Italy. As happens in many European countries (and possibly even worse), it is all but impossible to find another job at my age, and for this reason people are ready to sacrifice everything to that. Since I started telling people about my engagement and my intentions to marry Michael, I've had people try to convince me to cling to my job in every possible way, and have him move here. Now, especially in the current situation, and not speaking any Italian at all, my fiancé would probably find nothing at all, or (even worse) find something 'under the table' which would put his life at risk (he's an electrician). He must pay about $ 1,000 a month in child support, and without a job I would have to pay it, unless he decided never to set foot in the US again. Then, as you very well know, without having a steady income he would be prevented to file for a spousal visa, and we would have to stay here indefinitely.

I am very fluent in English, as well as in other three languages besides Italian, and am about to get my PhD. I have already seen I would have quite a few opportunities in the US if I decided to find work (which my future husband wants me to do only if I really want to). Besides, I have assets here in Italy, which would constitute a sort of safety net for me when I resign from my job. I realise such a move at my age is a risk, but in Italian we say that those who never run risks, never reap any rewards either.

Then, I have to admit that I need a change of scene very badly. I spent almost six years in Finland working as a lecturer of Italian, and I was very happy there, but when I came back here in 2001, everything started going badly wrong, both professionally and personally (I lost my beloved mother when I least expected it). Unfortunately, my few close relatives don't seem to understand it, and probably think it is a whim - which saddens me a lot, but of course doesn't deter me from pursuing my dreams. I am going into this with my eyes wide open, though I trust my fiancé completely. Your posts were very helpful to me, as I realised I am not the only person faced with such a dramatic change at a somewhat 'mature' age.

[KarenCee 3]

Not quite into the definition yet, I am 44 (USC) and he is 35.

I have been married and divorced, two children there and one after I was divorced. I am settled although not as well as I would like and for about 8 years was devoutly single.

I decided to take the plunge again but wanted a man who was interested in me for me, not for my looks, or material goods, sex, etc.

What I have found is my best friend, someone to share my life.

I think age doesn't matter so much as self discovery. When I married the first time I was looking for any man because I had been raised to believe a woman could not make it in life on her own.

After my divorce and discovering that I did not need anyone to help me, I finally discovered I wanted someone to share life with.

I think I have found him, and if he can ever get his visa, we will find out. Maybe I am just making another mistake but that's ok, this time I know I am strong enough to survive without him instead of putting up with years of abuse.

This was, in a way, like reading about me. After 20+ years, I divorced. Being a stay at home mom at the time was terrifying to say the least since my daughter at the time was only 3. I had quit working to stay home with my baby. You could say those three plus years opened my eyes to the emotional abuse and the physical abuse since both escalated when I became a stay at home mom...even though it was at his insistence.

I too have found the other half of me. Yes, I can make it on my own...I know that now and I'm not afraid to BE alone. But my husband completes me in ways that I can't put on paper...or here on this forum. At the same time, he does not define who I am...merely complements and enhances. His moving here made more sense...my career is finally established again, I have a daughter that I unfortunately share joint custody with so moving out of the country was not at all possible. If it had been up to me, my daughter and I would have moved to Canada instead.

When we started this process I was...hmmmm....42 I think and now I'm 45. My now husband is younger than me, he is 31. Age really IS just a number...IMHO it's all to do with one's personality and maturity level. We neither of us feel old, and I certainly don't think 45 is old. I do know many who do though, which is rather sad...since when does a number equate to "old"? Sometimes it just takes a bit longer in life to find THE ONE that fits you like a glove y'know? It did for me.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Welcome to VJ, highway Star,

Yes, there a number of us in situations similar to yours who have made the same choices for many of the same reasons. I was just slightly older than you when I started my K-1 journey. This is my first marriage, although not my first major relationship, and I was well established in a job I loved, and a life I enjoyed, certainly never expecting I would overturn it all to move to the US and marry an American. We discussed the options, and like you, it was more practical for me to move, although his job is probably more portable and it would be easier for him to find something similar in Canada. Still, he is close to retirement, has all of his financial assets here in the US, has a house, has grandchildren here -and when we married, both of his elderly parents. It was far easier for me to uproot my life than for him.

We started that journey nearly five years ago now. There are things here I could not have foreseen and changes I have had to make that I didn't expect, however, I know he too has experienced some unexpected changes. That is all part of life. We are together and we are happy. I made the right choice, although I still miss my former job and at times, my former life. As you said, nothing ventured, nothing gained - and I have gained far more than I gave up.

I hope your journey is equally successful. Good luck!

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

Being older I have a job that I have had for 29 years and a house I have lived in for 23 years. My parents are gone so it is my childern that have to adapt to my choices. One is married with childern and is the least approving of it. The middle one is 25 and finsihing his degree so he will be moving on/out and is ok but keeps his eyes on his mother. The youngest is getting ready to attend college all the way on the other coast and seems to be the most accepting of what is going on.

He has never been married before and has no childern. He owns property but has not built a hose on it yet. We plan on building a guest house there. Being the oldest he inherts his fathers property and has a responsibility to care for his parents. We will be building a family home there. We will also be looked to for assistance in getting his siblings started ( and he is 16 of them ) In return they are obligated to see to our end of life needs.

Being older we can realistically discuss retirement options. While I am working the US will be our primary domicile. As we get older we will shift to a split life and in the later years full time there. There are no retirement homes in Nigeria . Family will take care of your needs. I much prefer this to the end of life in the US were you are sent off to a facility to get you out of the way.

I think as older people we have a better handle on what we have and what we really want to do with the rest of our life. We are lucky enough not to have to worry about co sponsers. We also understand the value of a good prenuptial and will.

[Jason-Sasha 1]

[quote name='Jeraly' date='Jan 14 2008, 01:01 PM' post='1488331'

Does anyone else do this?! Or am I the only one? (Same with reading books where I always read in my head in an English accent - the characters no matter where they are from always sound English in my head!)

Poor thing....that's gotta suck! Hahaha. Just kidding. I think everyone in the world uses their own native vernacular when reading. Would be pretty strange to read with different accents for different characters.