Dumped by fiance?

[usmsbow 795]

This is what I don't understand about Philippines culture: why does the girl's husband have to support her family in someway? Does it apply to everyone or the 'must be rich' Americans ? Does a son have to support his family and also contribute to his wife's family regardless there in Philippines? Why can't the parents support themselves given they have been able to raise the kids til they are ready to get married? Or must marital happiness have to tie with financial contribution? To me it sounds more like girls are just looking for someone to reply on once they leave the parental nest (only if the girl doesn't work and asks for money otherwise my assumption does not apply so please don't get offended).

It's common in Asian countries for kids to support their parents once they're married and working. It isn't just a Philippines thing. Traditionally it is the son(s) who provide support. I just think Filipinos pops up on VJ more often due to circumstances.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Nope, not to me. She is probably quite aware of "horror stories" of other fillipinas moving to the USA and finding out the situation was far from ideal. She's worried it will happen to her, and is getting cold feet. To me, she was saying, "Look, please understand why i'm flipping out. Ask around and you'll see what I'm worried about." Makes sense to me. Not the most direct way, but I wouldn't call it rude necessarily.

That being said, I thought the OP's follow-up info was more worrisome and her response THERE was a bit rude.

Perhaps true...but i suppose we made huge sacrifices in this journey of love and not live by what others have to tell us... this is immature to say the least... Edited June 29, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[onye uwaoma 131]

It's common in Asian countries for kids to support their parents once they're married and working. It isn't just a Philippines thing. Traditionally it is the son(s) who provide support. I just think Filipinos pops up on VJ more often due to circumstances.

Same in African setting, however, the issue is the approach with the op's fiancee to this as if that's what it's all about... Always family first in any setting be it African, Asian, American, European, etc etc otherwise it won't work out... Edited June 29, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[AC1022 27]

It's common in Asian countries for kids to support their parents once they're married and working. It isn't just a Philippines thing. Traditionally it is the son(s) who provide support. I just think Filipinos pops up on VJ more often due to circumstances.

I hear you and I completely understand that because I'm Chinese.

I have been raised in the culture of brides' price, the desperate needs to save face, importance of financial stability and more, however the fact the so many females (basing on what I have read so far here ) expects a life time financial contribution to their parents still strikes me. To me when you consider those as the priority, the marriage itself is nothing but a business transaction.

I might be going way out of limb on my comment though.

[Boiler 43,433]

With PI it seem very much as a family investment both in financial terms immediately and future immigration opportunities.

Obviously there have been many many threads on this subject, usually where the male USA has not appreciated the deal.

[Ryan H 3,790]

~~~Closed for review~~~

***Thread back open, two posts contributing nothing to the discussion removed. From this point on, all replies in this thread are to address the OP. Any additional posts that argue with other posters will be removed and thread bans at the very least imposed.***

Edited June 29, 2015 by Ryan H

[mavericm1 0]

TRUST is the Key.. she should trust you..

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

Love is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Love will last forever

(1Corinthians13:4-8)

God Bless You!

[Blue Bianchi 77]

It's really hard to translate this without knowing more about you and your fiancee. I don't see any sort of cultural cue. However, some impressions:

-It seems she's relying on you to make her happy.
-Sort of seems she doesn't have the skills nor the capability to take care of herself once she's with you in the US.
-It looks like she thinks marriage is this purely happy situation with no problems--and that you are totally responsible for maintaining this happy state. How old is your fiancee? It almost sounds like a child-parent sort of expectation, not an adult-adult expectation.

What seems the most obvious is that she can't tell you directly what her expectations really are. Instead, she sends you on this wild goose chase. I think this is a huge communication hurdle that you guys need to work out. It's going to be more intense when she's in the US. She won't have her friends and family around her and you'll both be spending a lot of time together.

She said she has some doubts and needed me to assure her that she would be “happy and satisfied with no doubts”. She wants to be “assured that I could take care her”.

I tried to ask for specifics but she just advised me to find a Filpina married to an American and ask them.

...

So ...can this be translated for me...is this just cold feet or am I missing a cultural cue.

[Darnell 8,478]

Now that I have your attention.... maybe some of you experts can advise me.....

We got the I-797 approved and were just starting the process of getting a date for the interview when my fiance suddenly got cold feet.

She said she has some doubts and needed me to assure her that she would be happy and satisfied with no doubts. She wants to be assured that I could take care her.

I tried to ask for specifics but she just advised me to find a Filpina married to an American and ask them.

I actually have a good relationship with her and she says she wants the engagement to continue.

So ...can this be translated for me...is this just cold feet or am I missing a cultural cue.

hey - how are her feets these days,

and

were you successful in talking with a Filipina, face to face, that was married to an American, yet?

[Darnell 8,478]

It's really hard to translate this without knowing more about you and your fiancee. I don't see any sort of cultural cue. However, some impressions:

-It seems she's relying on you to make her happy.

-Sort of seems she doesn't have the skills nor the capability to take care of herself once she's with you in the US.

-It looks like she thinks marriage is this purely happy situation with no problems--and that you are totally responsible for maintaining this happy state. How old is your fiancee? It almost sounds like a child-parent sort of expectation, not an adult-adult expectation.

What seems the most obvious is that she can't tell you directly what her expectations really are. Instead, she sends you on this wild goose chase. I think this is a huge communication hurdle that you guys need to work out. It's going to be more intense when she's in the US. She won't have her friends and family around her and you'll both be spending a lot of time together.

eh - I translitered all of the OP's stuff to mean, exactly, that she was to handle her life as a typical OFW. And that he has to handle the monies differential until she got a job.

[Blue Bianchi 77]

Ah well, OFWs have more life skills than a young provincial lass who hasn't struck out on her own. Again, really hard to tell since we don't know much about the OP and his fiancee.

It is true that Filipino children are more inclined to take care of their parents and their own young families from afar. But the Filipino woman who expects her husband (Filipino or foreign) to take this on is of a different sort. Even in a marriage between two Filipinos, the woman takes care of her parents and the guy takes care of his.

eh - I translitered all of the OP's stuff to mean, exactly, that she was to handle her life as a typical OFW. And that he has to handle the monies differential until she got a job.

[Darnell 8,478]

Ah well, OFWs have more life skills than a young provincial lass who hasn't struck out on her own. Again, really hard to tell since we don't know much about the OP and his fiancee.

It is true that Filipino children are more inclined to take care of their parents and their own young families from afar. But the Filipino woman who expects her husband (Filipino or foreign) to take this on is of a different sort. Even in a marriage between two Filipinos, the woman takes care of her parents and the guy takes care of his.

I know, right? (the stuff of yers that I bolded) - but

based on what the OP has written, it sure reads that

the family back home

is expecting his contribution into the OFW remittance calendar.

52 percent of all monies declared yearly in the PI from the banks, come in from the monies of the OFW set. 52 percent.

But I digress. It's really hard to get a solid sense of what's going on between the two. Sure, we can all read inbetween the lines and speculate (myself included !) but without that fella coming back and giving long, well-written updates on what he's learned from actually talking with a Filipina married to a USCitizen, he's really not jumped over the bar she raised to him.

Right? Right?

I do wish the OP would return and clear up the mud... or did i miss it, in an earlier post ?

[Blue Bianchi 77]

Yup, that 52 percent is how much family means to Filipinos. OFW life is a , until one learns to adapt. Then its okay. But just okay. There is nothing sweeter to Filipinos than Filipino friends and family.

About the OP, one more thing that comes to mind is that Filipinos have a really hard time asking for something directly. This is because such directness is considered rude in Philippine and even Asian culture. This is something OP and fiancee need to get a handle on. I see a lot of indirectness and vagueness in her quoted words.

I've had to really be mindful of how I communicate with my husband and my colleagues. After years in the US, I think I've gotten the hang of it...But then I have to switch back to Philippine-style asking when I'm visiting the homeland. And that's been hard too.

I know, right? (the stuff of yers that I bolded) - but
based on what the OP has written, it sure reads that
the family back home
is expecting his contribution into the OFW remittance calendar.

52 percent of all monies declared yearly in the PI from the banks, come in from the monies of the OFW set. 52 percent.

But I digress. It's really hard to get a solid sense of what's going on between the two. Sure, we can all read inbetween the lines and speculate (myself included !) but without that fella coming back and giving long, well-written updates on what he's learned from actually talking with a Filipina married to a USCitizen, he's really not jumped over the bar she raised to him.

Right? Right?


I do wish the OP would return and clear up the mud... or did i miss it, in an earlier post ?

[j&ana 363]

This is what I don't understand about Philippines culture: why does the girl's husband have to support her family in someway? Does it apply to everyone or the 'must be rich' Americans ? Does a son have to support his family and also contribute to his wife's family regardless there in Philippines? Why can't the parents support themselves given they have been able to raise the kids til they are ready to get married? Or must marital happiness have to tie with financial contribution? To me it sounds more like girls are just looking for someone to reply on once they leave the parental nest (only if the girl doesn't work and asks for money otherwise my assumption does not apply so please don't get offended).

I am married to a Filippina. I told her that when she came here. She will have to work if she wants us to help her family back home. After she got adjusted here a little bit. She got a job she is happy and I am happy for her. I know her family means a lot to her. Also my brother is married to a Filippina and she also works to help my brother and also to help her family. I met some of my sister in laws friends they are the same way

I also have heard that a filippina will expect thier husband to take care of their family.but I have not seen it here. Every Filippina

I know it is just the opposite they want to work to help out. Maybe it what they learn or who they meet when they here or maybe it is how they was bought up in the Philippines. I do know family is very important to a Filippina and if her husband does not want her to work then most likely he will also be paying to help her family. It is a very poor country in most parts.What we take for granted is so much for them

[Ct&s 0]

I just read through everyone's responses and really want to thank you for the feedback. I guess I should be a little more understanding of her request ....

I was getting a little frustrated and impatient with the whole thing after working so hard to get the I-797... and now it looks like it's going to slide over the 4 month expiration deadline (I'm not looking forward to going through the whole 129f ordeal again).

But anyway I think I will try really hard to explain to her the life here, and how we can try and overcome the away-from-family/nothing-to-do syndrome which is a real issue. She is from a big city, but is really close to her huge family and church so I can see how she could feel isolated. I was thinking of a lot she could do here but to be honest I haven't discussed any of that with her...my bad..

I did assure her that I would support her family in the Phil by more than what she contributes from her job there that she would have to leave...

I guess I might even have to make the trip there again and buy the whole family dinner. But that's a bit much to do just hoping that it'll give her more assurance....