Once he/she is here... What happened?

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Hello VJ members!

I have decided to start a new topic on something that I think happens too often, but we might perhaps be reluctant to talk (write) about. What happens once the beneficiary is finally in the USA? What happens when you actually have to live, share a home, sleep, eat, and be together with the one you love? Yes, I am talking too about the happiness of finally being together, but mostly about the moment when reality hits you like a 10 pound bag of potatoes. For K1 visa holders it means that the petitioner will be the only one making the income and, depending on the beneficiary, it will be likely that your fiance(e) will be totally dependent on you; unable to speak English, drive, work, being in a new culture, environment, etc.

So, what happens if all these changes and the challenges of living together make you question the wisdom of going through with the marriage? What happens when the realities of a share life make you realize this is not what you thought it would be? Perhaps this is the advantage of the fiance(e) visa process; you can still change your mind and decide not to marry without breaking any immigration laws.

Please do comment and share your thoughts and ideas.

Best wishes!

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Two things will happen.

Either the couple will stay together through this period, and become stronger together,

or

Divorce and go along their seperate ways.

BTW - the K-1 is not a "try out" visa, you are suppose to be intending on marrying prior to coming to the US. I understand your point, but some people think of the K-1 as exactly that.

Marriage is a big step, and you should of figured that out prior to going through the visa process, and if you can't do that prior, how is 90 days going to help?

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Two things will happen.

Either the couple will stay together through this period, and become stronger together,

or

Divorce and go along their seperate ways.

BTW - the K-1 is not a "try out" visa, you are suppose to be intending on marrying prior to coming to the US. I understand your point, but some people think of the K-1 as exactly that.

Marriage is a big step, and you should of figured that out prior to going through the visa process, and if you can't do that prior, how is 90 days going to help?

I understand that the K1 visa is NOT a "try out" visa, but the truth is that many of us have not lived with our fiance(e)s and that the realities of the challenges of living together will be difficult to overcome for some. I think it is a bit naive to say, "well, you should have known before getting the visa" because, as life turns out, can one say that we ever know for sure? I mean, there are plenty of couples in the world who knew each other for years, dated, lived together, etc. only to get divorced. I think that there is an avoidance here to really talk about the realities of the challenges that come AFTER the visa is approved and I was hoping that through our shared experiences we could learn something valuable. I really was not looking for judgmental replies of the type "you should have known" or the like because of course we think we know -who would willingly spend so much money, time, and effort in something that they really did not think was the right thing?

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Be sure - absolutely sure - when you file the petition. If you have any doubts whatsoever that things are going to work out then wait - don't file yet.

I had a pretty good idea how I thought things would be after my wife arrived in the US with her K1. We talked about it a lot, so we both knew what to expect. So far, after more than a year, it's been almost exactly what we both expected. There were some adjustments, but we both knew about them beforehand and were prepared to make them.

[Carol & Lenin 16]

I dont know what it will be like because im still waiting, however in my case im more worried about the affect on him than he is, cause i know what hes getting into. I have family memebers who have immagrated all be it from mexico not DR so im aware of some of the challenges we could have. I am trying to go into it with an open mind and be adaptable.

But thank you Aztec for posting such an honest post I look forward to reading from people who have gone thru it.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

I understand that the K1 visa is NOT a "try out" visa, but the truth is that many of us have not lived with our fiance(e)s and that the realities of the challenges of living together will be difficult to overcome for some. I think it is a bit naive to say, "well, you should have known before getting the visa" because, as life turns out, can one say that we ever know for sure? I mean, there are plenty of couples in the world who knew each other for years, dated, lived together, etc. only to get divorced. I think that there is an avoidance here to really talk about the realities of the challenges that come AFTER the visa is approved and I was hoping that through our shared experiences we could learn something valuable. I really was not looking for judgmental replies of the type "you should have known" or the like because of course we think we know -who would willingly spend so much money, time, and effort in something that they really did not think was the right thing?

Don't agree about being naive - Umit and I had long discussions prior to commiting to this, we went over all the +/-'s.

If you enter into this with your eyes full of sunshine, and didn't look for the clouds, then you will probably have issues down the road.

I also know people who get divorced after years of knowing each other, and others that just met and are still married - so, again, it falls down to the two options in my first post - either you stay together, or you don't - how you get there is up to you and your spouse.

Everyone has to come to terms for themselves. What works for me, may not work for you.

[MrTee12 64]

Great choice of topic Aztec! It's something that needs to be discussed. More and more married couples are getting divorced because marriage is almost like a business venture/partnership (just more emotional). It takes a lot of hard word and preparation. Before I got married my wife and I decided to take marriage classes with my Pastor and it helped out tremendously. I guess it's up to the individual(s), but I personally believe that God has to be the center/foundation of your marriage because our human nature/fallacies with damage our relationships with others naturally.

On another note, I believe that K1er's need to clearly "communicate" to their significant others how things are in America. My wife at 21 had to leave her family behind (very close knit), her friends, job, and home to live in an entirely new place where many things are foreign. I felt like I had to teach her everything from scratch and its hard work. No one should paint a picture of a "Hollywood lifestyle" and not expect things to go wrong when real life gets in the way.

The points you made about your significant other relying on you is the hardest part. My wife was going crazy for 6 months here "bored" because I was at work all day and she was home "not making any money" or studying. That was our toughest times together, when she felt like she was not contributing. So I can imagine how the "men" feel. Men are used to be the breadwinners and bringing the money in.

K1er's are taking a big risk if things don't work out...but its a risk many are willing to take. If both individuals put their all into the relationship and use the strength they while waiting for the Visa...then they should remember all the hard work they put into and use it to keep them stronger.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Be sure - absolutely sure - when you file the petition. If you have any doubts whatsoever that things are going to work out then wait - don't file yet.

I had a pretty good idea how I thought things would be after my wife arrived in the US with her K1. We talked about it a lot, so we both knew what to expect. So far, after more than a year, it's been almost exactly what we both expected. There were some adjustments, but we both knew about them beforehand and were prepared to make them.

"Pretty good idea" isn't the same thing as "absolutely sure". You know?

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Don't agree about being naive - Umit and I had long discussions prior to commiting to this, we went over all the +/-'s.

If you enter into this with your eyes full of sunshine, and didn't look for the clouds, then you will probably have issues down the road.

I also know people who get divorced after years of knowing each other, and others that just met and are still married - so, again, it falls down to the two options in my first post - either you stay together, or you don't - how you get there is up to you and your spouse.

Everyone has to come to terms for themselves. What works for me, may not work for you.

Even if a couple does all these things (we did) there's still a chance things can go belly up.

I don't think the OP's query is a bad one. The thing I would say is this - don't let the fact that you did invest time, money and yourselves in the immigration process make you feel you "must" marry. If the alien gets over here and it's patently clear things aren't right, then don't get married.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Great choice of topic Aztec! It's something that needs to be discussed. More and more married couples are getting divorced because marriage is almost like a business venture/partnership (just more emotional). It takes a lot of hard word and preparation. Before I got married my wife and I decided to take marriage classes with my Pastor and it helped out tremendously. I guess it's up to the individual(s), but I personally believe that God has to be the center/foundation of your marriage because our human nature/fallacies with damage our relationships with others naturally.

On another note, I believe that K1er's need to clearly "communicate" to their significant others how things are in America. My wife at 21 had to leave her family behind (very close knit), her friends, job, and home to live in an entirely new place where many things are foreign. I felt like I had to teach her everything from scratch and its hard work. No one should paint a picture of a "Hollywood lifestyle" and not expect things to go wrong when real life gets in the way.

The points you made about your significant other relying on you is the hardest part. My wife was going crazy for 6 months here "bored" because I was at work all day and she was home "not making any money" or studying. That was our toughest times together, when she felt like she was not contributing. So I can imagine how the "men" feel. Men are used to be the breadwinners and bringing the money in.

K1er's are taking a big risk if things don't work out...but its a risk many are willing to take. If both individuals put their all into the relationship and use the strength they while waiting for the Visa...then they should remember all the hard work they put into and use it to keep them stronger.

There is also the occasional intolerant USC who has no patience with the adjustments the alien spouse is facing. These are very said stories.

I think the 90 day window is a great thing. Face it, there ARE people on these forums who may be "in love", but they are also in love with the idea of moving for a better life. If an alien comes to the US and finds their US partner to be intolerant, or pushy, or uncaring - they can choose to not marry that person and book it out of the US.

[Manu&Corey 0]

Very good topic, I really want to know how its gonna be, i have never depend on nobody after high school and now all of the sudden with this process ill be at home looking at the ceiling which doesnt sound soo good to me. I think i can find things to do like find the way to get a license or stuff like that but seriously everything is gonna be new and I wont be able to do things by my self like a grown up I am. Please if somebody with experience wants to share will be highly appreciated.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Manu&Corey

[rlogan 2,036]

There was no downside for us. We met in the Philippines, then I went back to live with her family for several months.

There wasn't any homesickness. She drove a bulldozer, skidsteer, snowmachine, and four-wheeler before she learned to drive a car. Since we live in a log cabin in the woods, all of the cultural things were huge improvements - no pollution, noise, traffic, etc.

There wasn't any "reality" hitting us that was different from what we expected. We depend on each other. It isn't a one-way street.

A lot of nooky.

[Purple Turtle 17]

I just want to share this personal story of mine. My husband and I met up with our choice of officiating minister. But before he approved our request, he made us take home an "assignment". For a whole week he told us to discuss a lot of topics and ask each other questions that will evolve around us once we're married. Ranging from our favorite food to what our reaction will be when we get home to find a very messy house - the sky was the limit. I thought the assignment was silly since I know my fiance like the back of my hand. Turns out, it was extremely helpful. It helped us open doors to new views and discussions.

I believe that the foundation of a good relationship is Communication. It's important to be in tuned with your partners' feelings especially if that person is joining you in a whole new world. There'll be misunderstandings, squabbles, and fights but that doesn't mean the whole relationship is a failure. It's only a failure when both people give up on it without putting up a fight to save it.

[Adry&Edue 0]

I totally appreciate your post Aztec, I am sure you are not alone. Personally, I am worried about that stage once my fiance is here. I realize that he will be totally dependent on me. Life in DR is so different from life in the U.S. My fiance lives in Azua, outside of Santo Domingo. I live in NYC. Talk about opposite sides of the spectrum. It's a whole different world. But take it one day at time. What sometimes works for me when I'm stressed about him, I think about the reasons why I love this man and why I feel we are compatible. I think about his personality, characteristics and qualities that makes him special to me and make me feel that he will be dedicated to make our relationship work. Use his strengths to help you. Connect with others that have been through this transition (like you did here on VJ )

I wish you the best of luck. Take in all the positive feedback. A lot of people on here talk about things that cannot be changed at this point and focus on the problem rather than solutions....ignore those posts. You are not alone. I agree with MrTee 100%. It's about a strong solid foundation and what better cornerstone than the Lord. I am trying to remain positive myself, but I am both anxious and excited of what is to come! Cuidate muchacha...estare en comunicacion con mi jornada que esta por delante!!!

Edited April 9, 2011 by Adry&Edue

[Lari & Jhona 0]

Hi Aztec & Taino

Thank you for this post.

I have actually dreamed and thought more than i

can recall how life with my babe would be here in NYC.

In July I practically moved to DR for like 2 monthz lol

I wanted to see what it was to be at his mercy.

Is different since is not here in NYC it was mostly

like a Honey Moon.But i got to see how he acts,and feels

when some else is sharing what he does for an everyday.

I still have doubts on how life here would be with him

and am pretty sure is a difficult arrangement but communication

and dedication is a key.

I hope everything turns out to be ok with you and your baby.

:star: