Dr. A ♥ O

Marie Colvin was very close to getting out alive. She was doing a final story and was scheduled to leave Syria the next day. How unfortunate.

Thank you for posting...we are so comfortable in our own lives and should never ignore what is going on to our fellow man.
I had the privilege of living in Syria for a month and found the people very kind and open to me as an American.
And we cannot forget the hundreds of thousands of refugees they opened their country to when the Iraqi people had no other choice but to leave Baghdad because of secular killings in their neighborhoods and war.
I am very sorry for everyone's loss and could not imagine what bravery this reporter had in her to be where she died.
Keep posting with respect.

this is not a forum strictly about egypt. a brief description of the forum at http://www.visajourney.com/forums/forum/100-regional-discussion/ shows it contains "Includes Algeria, Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, The West Bank And Gaza, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Libya, Morocco, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen."
this is a valid topic for this regional forum. please do not continue to hijack the thread or attempt to shut down the conversation.
charles
vj moderation team

I personnally do not have a problem with her posting this here. She has the freedom to do so. OP thanks for your post.

my husband went crazy waiting on trying to find work!! He can't stand sitting around all day. So needless to say, he painted the house, the garage, the mailbox, the lawnmower...all the same color of paint!!!! I made sure he was able to go to the mosque on Fridays so at least he could start to make friends and also "networking" to line up jobs!! Good luck and have patience! I know mine wore thin more than once, but when I thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I just bit my tongue!!!

Whitney Houston has a loyal fan base. We'd rather remember her for her wealth of generosity and phenomenal talent then her struggle with addiction and sordid relationship with Bobby Brown.

Whitney Houston has a loyal fan base. We'd rather remember her for her wealth of generosity and phenomenal talent then her struggle with addiction and sordid relationship with Bobby Brown.

Whitney Houston has a loyal fan base. We'd rather remember her for her wealth of generosity and phenomenal talent then her struggle with addiction and sordid relationship with Bobby Brown.

Whitney Houston has a loyal fan base. We'd rather remember her for her wealth of generosity and phenomenal talent then her struggle with addiction and sordid relationship with Bobby Brown.

Be kind with yourself. When we know our own heart it is time to reexamine our definitions of success. You are not a failure because someone gets to say "I told you so" or "what did you expect."
I've known a handful of Egyptian couples who have come to the States to make a life for themselves. Some started businesses together and with the economic collapse times turned hard for many. Some of these couples had been together more than a decade with several children together when even they decided to split for similar reasons as yours and they come from the same culture. In nearly every case the women had made their lives here, gave birth to their children and raised them here. They had put down roots, made homes here, and new friends, as did their children. These women didn't want to go back to Egypt like their husbands when times got hard. These trials ended many of their marriages.
The husbands would go back to Egypt for a "long visit" and thus eventually extending their "visit" permanently and leaving their families in the States. Prior to this "long visit" many had asked the wives to move back with them and start over there. It's a lot to consider because it's not just the parents lives but the children's as well. The husbands would say they missed it back in Egypt. That is was their home. That they felt like failures here and couldn't face that anymore. Some blamed their wives even or the careers. Nearly always they blamed something other than themselves. They believed life in Egypt would have been better if they stayed and they compared themselves with their peers. But their wives wouldn't give up on their lives here and didn't believe it would be better in Egypt. Nearly every woman was left feeling deserted when they had to carry their struggling businesses by themselves since their spouse and business partners left them and they had to raise the children on their own. Seeing their businesses on the verge of collapse and their husband's gone they were faced with tough choices alone. Some sold their businesses. In some way these experiences empowered them for the first time to manage their lives on their own and they seemed stronger for it.
Even though they loved their husbands they saw their husbands wouldn't be back to their life in the States even for the family they made together and the women had to file for the divorce themselves because the husbands wouldn't even do this. Their spouse could no longer provide the monetary support nor be there for their children's daily lives so what choice did they have? They were in survival mode. While it may be more common for those coming from different cultures to divorce because of their differences it is also not uncommon for those from the same culture to divorce when two people want to be in different places in their lives. They tried to make it work but had compassion, love and courage enough to let each other go when they knew in their hearts the painful truth that for each other to be happy they had to let the other live the life they wanted more. You reached for your dreams, you dared to love this person and you knew love with this person. Cherish and honor that. You enriched your life and were not completely miserable for the life experiences you had together. You probably went places you never thought you'd go before and that was brave. You weren't afraid of life and you lived it on your terms. But life changes and sadly we can not control the feelings of others or things that may come at us sometimes.

I agree with a lot of the above, and would make one suggestion - put it in a letter to him and leave it for him for when you will be gone for the whole day. It will allow you time and peace to get all of your feelings expressed without any interruption and potential for arguments & it will allow him time to process and think things through.

This sounds familiar and I can relate somewhat. Here are my suggestions.
Tell him you are unhappy and reaching your end. Tell him the reasons why you are unhappy that you have listed here and talk about as calmly as you can. Tell him that change needs to happen and it needs to come from him because it can't come from you.
You work too and he can share in the chores and cooking unless you're planning to stay home full-time and he'll be the sole provider. Have you talked about these things? His blaming you for his failure is a projection. While it has more to do how he feels about himself than it does with how he feels about you those words still sting. Tell him that it hurts you and he shouldn't say these unkind things to you. He needs to know this.
Tell him he needs to get out of the house more and find some friends. Point out how many years he's spent living his life online. Example: You've spent "2" years of your life online when you could be doing x, y, z. This is not a life and it is unhealthy. There are plenty of good people at the local Islamic center if he is willing to attend Friday prayers. I find it difficult to believe he hasn't found a handful of friends there in all his time here.
Ask him to clarify what it is he wants to do with his life? Help evaluate if his goals are reasonable. Help him look at alternatives to achieving his goals and define reasonable goals.
One simple suggestion to getting him out of the house if he is not very active and improving quality of life. Ask him to go on walks with you for 30-60 minutes 5 times a week. It will be good for the relationship and help lift both your moods afterwards.
As for the politics and religion and having opinions on Egypt. I know it is difficult to not contribute to a conversation or have a reaction. It is even more difficult to be still and observe your own internal reaction about the subject and let it pass as to avoid a conflict with grace. The only thing I can suggest for these times is try to find some common ground. I find it helpful when we approach a subject by asking them what they mean by something or to explain it to you like they would a child. It can be a very enriching experience when they begin to show and teach us various sides of their culture. Sometimes it is very difficult to hear or learn new things about a subject where we have come to feel a certain way but try to remain open to learning more and soon it won't feel so abrasive.
Growth is sometimes painful in relationships. This is why they are called growing pains. You may grow together or you may grow apart and how we choose to react determines our path. If you know you both love each other then choose to grow together. Though it may be more painful at times it can be very rewarding when you get to mutual respect and a deeper trust in each other. That being said sometimes one person will choose not to grow together anymore and will decided they want to grow apart. It only takes one person in the relationship to do that. Have the serious heart-to-heart with him and reaffirm your commitment to each other and what your goals as a couple are so know where you are heading. Also after the talk if it is not resolved immediately give it some room to breath so you both have time to think about it. Even if for a few hours but don't delay the resolution too long that you both become more miserable.

Thanks Tamara! I'll pass your message on to him as I'm sure he'll appreciated it. And happy birthday to your Grandpa, Adam's cousin, your SIL and yourself! I know it's a big one for you tomorrow! I hope you have something spectacular done to commemorate the event. For my big 3-0 I had my closest friends and family all meet at P.F. Chang's for dinner and wear their favorite shade of pink. We decorated the table with pink balloons and I had sent out printed invitations prior to the event with a request for RSVP. It was so nice.
You and I seem to have a lot in common with dates. I think I mentioned my new baby niece, Shiloh, was born on our 5th wedding anniversary and you had a similar story too. My older brother is also born on the 28th of Jan. Three people in my family have that birthday. Well, technically two now since my Grandpa passed away a couple of year ago. And Waleed shares the same birthday as your Grandpa! January is pretty fun! Though I have to say I can't think of any other 31st birthdays that I know of off hand, you'd be my first. Happy early Birthday!

Welcome to VJ & MENA menagirl.
As I understand it your question was is it normal for your MENA man to go out and socialize almost as a daily occurrence with his MENA guys. I will speak from a few experiences of observation based on circumstances.
While living in Egypt together with my husband he worked 14-16 hour days several weeks in a row then taking his collection of days off a week at a time. The typical work schedule there is to work six days a week, six hours a day, having Fridays off as their weekend. Mine was a doctor in a private clinic so he had to work longer hours and managed to work out a schedule with the other doctors for a week off at a time by working straight through the month. Most of the time my husband went to work and was too tired to socialize with friends afterwards. I'd say he was more of a home body. He preferred home cooked meals and spending his time at home with me during that time. On occasion he'd go visit his friends maybe once a week or a couple times a month and he'd always let me know with who and where. Sometimes we'd go out together and meet another couple for tea and walk around together. A few times I went by myself to meet my friends on my own. This was our standard daily life in Egypt.
When I went back to the States and he knew he had the visa and plane tickets bought to come here he finished his contract at the clinic and took two months off. During those two months alone in Egypt he spent the majority of his time with his family in Cairo and Luxor or at the cafe nightly playing cards with his friends for many hours. His digital camera is loaded with pictures of these times and short videos and he still goes through them. It was difficult to reach him then but I understood it. He was soaking up as much time as he could with his life there because he would miss the people and the emotional connections he has there. His life is rich with friends and family there and it's been nearly two years since he's been back so those two months seem like a short time.
When he first arrived here he spent a lot of time on the internet with these same friends and family back in Egypt socializing online. I sometimes tease him that he's spent two years of his life online. He didn't like to go outside much and I didn't pressure him to find a job because we decided his job was to study for the US medical exams and practice medicine here. I know from what I've read that part of this behavior is due to culture shock. So if your husband is going out daily to meet with friends then I'd say that is a really good sign he is adapting to the society. At least he is having some friends on the outside there. My husband also made friends through the local Islamic center and from a few friends on VJ in MENA that lived locally where we were. He is still friends with them even though we've moved to another state. They call each other and talk on the phone now. We also found a great deal through his older Sister for calling back home from our cell phones so he can call Egypt anytime on the cheap and talk for hours. He still mostly socializes online with his friends back in Egypt. Here he mostly sees his friends on Fridays at the prayers. Sometimes they hang out after the prayers or on Saturdays they have special events and get together and cook food at the Mosque, like when Libya had their day of independence. There is a big Arab community where we live now. He is still studying a lot and every couple of months he may do something with a friend outside but hasn't lately because of his upcoming exams. In the States he's still very much a home body.
One good thing about your spouse going out and socializing is that the networking he's doing may lead to a job here. My husband has had several small opportunities through people here willing to help each other and remembering him when things come up. Every little bit helps. Times are hard and the economy is slowly getting better but it's still very challenging to find work. These friendships are important for so many reasons. Not having work and being able to provide for your family is bruising to a MENA man's ego. We struggled with that for the first year because he didn't feel studying for his US medical exams was as valuable as having work. Then he had a job for a few months and found he couldn't study at all. He felt good about making the money but saw it wasn't helping him to reach his ultimate goal. He also had a taste of working life in America. I think it helped him figure out his priorities better after that job and he's working full-time to finish these exams this year to start a residency next year.
I think for your case it depends on your circumstances. He's new here and adapting. He's doing that through friends almost daily which is good. He's not doing anything you don't approve of. He is looking for work but the economy is tough. His networking with these friends may lead to opportunities. It is typical for them to spend time with their fellow man almost nightly playing cards as long as their duties are being met. Sometimes they need the moral support when times are difficult. But considering the circumstances you'll have to evaluate it for yourself. If you're happy where things are, and you have a good loving relationship, and a trust and understanding between each other, and some direction with where things are heading, then the comments by others about his time outside shouldn't be too important.

Hello: السلام عليكم (as-salāmu 3aleikum) - lit. Peace be upon you

It's impossible not to be impressed with the efforts to be green made by Hanna Fathy, a 28-year-old Cairo-based garbage collector. Despite living in a city blighted with grinding poverty and surrounded by trash, he is firm on his intent to live a sustainable life. And this includes producing alternative energy to avoid pollution by fossil fuels.
He built his own biodigester, which turns food scraps to produce biogas. With the copper collected from old toy motors he has built a solar panel, which he installed on the roof of his building.
He learned his solar power skills from an American organization called Solar Cities, whose mission is to "connect community catalyst and integrate technologies for industrial ecology systems"
http://blog.cleantechies.com/2011/12/06/egyptian-garbage-collector-champions-alternative-energy/

Thank you for starting a positive things thread venusfire. It's always good to see.
We're doing well too. Waleed's been here for over a year. He started his first job in the states this year and saved the money for the medical exams which he's scheduled to take in March, May and August next year. That's been a long time coming. He has his drivers permit now and is learning to drive here. That's been fun! We've moved, bought a car and we're living in our own little cozy apartment together. I'm still working in the news business and have had some promotions. I also started Arabic classes at the University here. He's made some new friends that have been really helpful in our new town since we don't know anybody here. Plus his family is in the States and that's been a big support for him along with my family during the transition. It's really nice to finally have our own life together. We're learning about the balance of daily life together and we've found our pace. It's been pretty good. We're taking our first mini-vacation together in the States this holiday and in about a month we'll celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary.

Hi everyone!
I don't get on VJ very often anymore, and I kind of miss it. Things are good and bad. The bad parts have nothing to do with my husband, and everything to do with outside things (which are also very time consuming).
I hope everyone is ok. My husband is wonderful. He seems more relaxed and confident now that he has his citizenship (it's hard to believe it's been more than 4 months!), and things between us are better than ever.
I caught some sort of 'bug' recently, and am rather miserable today (hence, having time to sign in). My poor, sweet husband has been taking good care of me - taking me to the doctor, taking care of the house and kids, etc. He's always super helpful, but lately he has gone above and beyond even more than usual!
I won't get into the 'bad' things (other than mentioning being sick), because I don't want to be a bummer. I just want to post something positive. As I've said, I haven't had much time to look through the forums, but I know the tendency is for people to post more often when things are problematic than when they're going well. I think it's kind of cyclical - I remember some times it seemed like there were so many horror stories! (My heart goes out to people in bad situations.)
Anyway, maybe this can be a thread for people to post anything positive they want about their lives and relationships. I especially like to hear about other MENA couples who are having happy, long-lasting relationships.
We've been 'together' for 5-1/2 years, he's been here almost 5 years, and we've been married for 4 years and 10 months. Despite everything we're dealing with (and all the "red flags"), our relationship is very strong and enjoyable.
Best wishes to everyone!
venusfire

hope you feel better, get well soon.you have a good husband. best wishes.

Hi,
Thank you for the positive post. Good luck getting through your illness and soon feeling much better.
My relationship also has sooooo many red flags, but I feel confident my fiance and I have forged a strong union and I look forward to the day too when we are living together on the same continent
Something positive - I've gone through quite a few stages since his interview and recent expiration of our K1 visa petition. But soon I will be able to visit my fiance again and am really looking forward to that. It's been way way too long. Although I would have much preferred he and I living together and being happily married by now, this process has strengthened our resolve and made our relationship even more solid. And that's always a plus!
I like this positive post idea! Thanks for thinking of this, and for posting.
Whatever it is negative in your life right now, I hope you find your way through it and have less of that negative, and good can come from it, or soon follow on its heels. That goes for all of us.
Kathy (and Mohamed)

O kay, I will join in too
Congrats to you who have posted before me on the good things in your life.
My life has also changed alot since my husband came here in Feburary of last year. I am so much more happy, confident, stress free. Hamza is just always there for me! I love him, my family loves him, my daughter loves him. He really is my perfect other half. His hugs make everything bad in life disappear. since he has been here, I think I have only prepared maybe 20 meals. He loves to cook, and its a good thing... cause I really don't . Today, I had a bad day, and I took a nap and when I woke up he had prepared my favorite desert for me! This is just one of the many little things that he has done for me that make me smile, and make me love him even more... and that make me feel loved!
He helps with everything around the house. He has actually painted the entire downstairs, put up new walls in some of the rooms, put all new flooring in downstairs. He just found a job, witch has also helped financially. He is also taking classes at the Comunity college. He tries so hard, in everything he does. Sometimes, I think back to when I was a little girl, and about who I thought I would marry, and what my life would be like... and he is him, and life seems so right! Oh kay that is my rainbow, and sunshine rant for the day!
Thanks for starting the thread.
-Danni

What a fantastic topic!!! Thanks Venus for this and our way of sharing what is good in our lives!!
Wael has been in the states for almost 4 yrs!! We have known each other for 7 yrs and been married
5 yrs. He's accomplished so much and i'm so proud of him. Can truthfully say there really isn't a "bad"
day...only a couple of setbacks. Nothing that didn't have a solution. I'm forever grateful for him and his
unconditional love for me.
His hard work has granted him a BS in Economics w/Honors from the University of Arizona, and he's
almost finished with his 2nd yr at Eller College of Management (UofA). He will graduate in May 2012 with a MBA in Finance!
He also became a citizen in April of this year and loves being an American! When he came here, he had his
BA in Accounting, but his love was Economics/Finance. Watching him always studying, never complaining,
going without hours and hours of sleep to get where he is today. Yes, I am both proud and amazed at his stamina
and sheer determination to succeed.
Again Venus, thanks so much for this wonderful topic! Congratulations to all who have or will post here!
Jeanne

Very sweet to hear the positive moments of your lives on here! Thanks for sharing.
I know Im truly grateful for my husband. In July we celebrated our 5th yr anniversary, Oct 23rd we celebrated 6yrs together total. In November we just celebrated the 1yr anniversary of being in our very first owned house and we are loving it! Adam is such a hard worker, always getting a raise & recommendation papers from his Managers. Hes up every morning by 3am for work (tough stuff!) and lately has been working alot of overtime for the holidays which he is stacking up to buy me a really nice newer white gold wedding ring *early christmas present!
He's been eligible to apply for his citizenship since May & hopefully right around the corner from filing the paperwork & mailing out that $$$. We have lots of LOL moments together, go out to dinners/dates, call each other all the time, leave love notes around the house, and drives me nuts! lol Im definitely looking forward to my lifetime with my boo!

I guess I should say face to face means living together here or there, where ever there may be a home for their foreign SO's.
It always comes back to my same point, "Only the people in the relationship really know the truth about it." People may have the majority of an online relationship but that doesn't mean it's not a real relationship. People who are living with their SO may also get more of a full picture of who that person is in person and in the relationship but that doesn't make them a relationship expert. The nature of the relationship could be a lie online or even while living together but it is still a relationship in some sense of the word. The relationship could be sunshine, rainbows and kitten online and living together in person too and that's not saying that's a bad thing either if you're an eternal optimist like me. May sunshine, rainbows, lollipops, kittens and all the good things in this world live on forever and breath fresh air into our souls.
"Like attracts like."

I disagree. What we need is a Parliamentary system that allows for different regions to each have their own parties who can then form coalitions at the federal level. A powerful president in a nation of this size with this level of cultural/regional diversity is insane and bound to leave many unsatisfied.