sad times

[danile 0]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

[TraciB 0]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

I feel for you. Not sure anyone can tell you when the perfect time to "part ways" is, this is something that must come from your heart. I don't have any great words of advice other than I am sorry you are going through this. I would be happy to let you vent to me, as a stranger, would help me pass the USCIS process time.

Edited February 2, 2012 by TraciB

[danile 0]

Thanks TraciB

[theunknown 5]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

take it easy the man is the man in every culture and every country if he loved u once u can make him love u again. its easy for u to do so if u know what makes him happy and what makes him upset. don't talk about religion or politics if that creates an argument its that easy. get him to talk to u about everything he really feels inside him. try to compromise with him to be able to live happier. that's all i can say as i don't really details so good luck

[nurse1967 287]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. Although we are committed to making it work there are definitely cultural issues that come up from time to time.

Betsy

[Barbie_Vazquez 10]

This is very sad to hear after you have done all you can to bring your husband here to start a new life together. If he's not willing to work things out and try, there's no reason for you to continue the relationship. He can always move back to Egypt and start over. Don't ever settle for less. I wish you the best of luck!

[Robert&Karen 264]

When politics or religion start a fight, and they always do, I simply remind everyone, "Hey, isn't it wonderful to be able to talk like this and not get arrested or shot because of it?" That usually reminds people that other countries do not have the advantage of such discussions, they cannot think for themselves or voice an opinion without risking their very life. As different as views may be, we can all agree that we are happy to be able to state our position and in turn let others freely express theirs. We may never agree on some points, but the bigger animal is that we even get to talk about it.

[danile 0]

The thing is I understand he loves me a I truly love him I just am not sure I continue especially if he feels marrying me has ruined his life. He married an amerian as I married a egyptian I believe it takes compromise not for me to do everything. About the religion /politics I learned long ago never to have an opinion with him about Islam or Egypt . Somtimes it just comes up through casual dialouge or the news and bam were in a battle and as everyone knows it takes two to tango. In his online life he is constantly in dialogue about these topics so it makes it hard as its a main interest pretty much only interest in his life.

[jac_chappin 24]

OP - That's very harsh that your husband says marrying you has ruined his life. You deserve better than this. I would suggest some counseling but it you and your husband are not happy and things can't be reconciled, maybe is time to part ways. If he's not happy in the US then he should go back home.

[NY_BX 397]

take it easy the man is the man in every culture and every country if he loved u once u can make him love u again. its easy for u to do so if u know what makes him happy and what makes him upset. don't talk about religion or politics if that creates an argument its that easy. get him to talk to u about everything he really feels inside him. try to compromise with him to be able to live happier. that's all i can say as i don't really details so good luck

Don't listen to this #######. Being submissive will only make you more miserable. #######!? You don't need to "make him love you again."

Un f*&%%^*(&* believable.

[patient2010 93]

Sorry this is happening to you...I hope you guys can work it out

[Barbie_Vazquez 10]

Don't listen to this #######. Being submissive will only make you more miserable. #######!? You don't need to "make him love you again."

Un f*&%%^*(&* believable.

[habibi83 12]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

Hi,

My husband is just coming here in few days so I'm sure it will be a culture shock for him as well. (so i'm prepared mentally to be patient as much as I can)...You're story sounds very normal when it comes to marriage of foreginer to a middle eastern. Acually my mother's friend married a men from Iran and beginings of their marriage were excattly how u discribe yours. Do you have any children? They have two daughters and one son. I think children make a huge difference for them, especially a son. Their oldest daughter is my age and just got married (to an american) but they make it, somehow they made it work and she did not convert, actually he was the one that accepted the wifes faith. (this is rare) The middle eastern culture is very difficult to "break in", especially if they were raised and lived there for years. I pray that we will manage and make it.

In Egypt, the man is "the man", a woman is for making babies and cooking, basically...and in the usa "the man of the house" sometimes is a woman. A lot of desicions here are done by women. It also depends on his upbrining. My husband has lived alone for over many years, he has been doing his own loundry and cooking. Also, when i went there he was doing my loundry and wanted to cook:) ...so it would be great if he wants to do it here lol.

But thats not really a concern for me. The cultural beliefs are different in some way. Are you the same religious belief? I'm also worried about him adjusting here and making friends; he is coming with automatic belife that people here do not like arabs. These thoughts are not good way to start a new life in foregn country. But I really feel that my husband will adjust. I'm also an immigrant from another europe, but i came when i was 12 years old so the transition was a child is easier than an adult. It did take me around 2 years to begining to like it and "fit it".

Also, him saying that marrying you has ruined his life...I would say do not take it personally. My husband and I fight over the phone and sometimes when you're upset things are said out of anger (or depression) that you do not necessarily mean to say and later on everything is good again. You mentioned he might be depressed,which could be possible, so as a depressed person he is not happy with himself and will say things to you because of it. If he really felt he made a mistake he would already divorced you and went back to egypt or started to look for someone else. so i really think he doesn't mean it he is just unhappy with himself. Have you tried maybe traveling with him within usa or out? or do some sort of activities...joining the gym, some classes....???? Whatever he liked to do in Egypt maybe he can try doing it here? Good luck.

[Kiv 32]

When talking about politics and religion, it may be the never ending story,because there is reason and truth in both sides.

I don't like to talk to much about it to my husband because we may end up fighting, as the inmigrant in my relationship I can assure that any comeback that implies that your country is better than the one he left for you may make you feel you won a battle, but in long term will do more damage to your personal relationship.

I just try to keep the fight clean and when I can't take more I just say it. "ok you will not convince me and i don't want to keep fighting". It works for me... I get the 5-10 minutes of silence and that's it.

I think is unfair that he blames you for not being succesful like his friends, I would tell him how hurtful are those comments, but not in the middle of a fight.

About helping in the house, in my case, is a constant on-going thing. We both work, we both came home very tired and we both enjoy to arrive to a clean house.

I ask, beg, whine, demand for help, eventually one works for a few weeks even months, then I have to start again, I guess is not because of where they born but because of their own personalities.

I hope you feel better soon.

[NY_BX 397]

The thing is I understand he loves me a I truly love him I just am not sure I continue especially if he feels marrying me has ruined his life. He married an amerian as I married a egyptian I believe it takes compromise not for me to do everything. About the religion /politics I learned long ago never to have an opinion with him about Islam or Egypt . Somtimes it just comes up through casual dialouge or the news and bam were in a battle and as everyone knows it takes two to tango. In his online life he is constantly in dialogue about these topics so it makes it hard as its a main interest pretty much only interest in his life.

I feel you completely. The freaking rhetoric of "a man is a man" makes me SICK! NO! If a man has balls, he will do the impossible to make a woman- or a loved one- happy. Period. My fiance is egyptian, as you may observe. I kid you not I did the following: I brought an entire suitcase of clothes for him. They were incredibly disorganized! What a mess! Of course, I did it on purpose. I wanted to see what was he going to do once he said "thank you baby." Well, he took piece by piece and folded them neatly as I laid on the bed next to him. I didn't lift a finger. I simply watched him reorganize everything. He took hangers and organized everything by color and type of clothing. He didn't even ask for help. He didn't even look at me. He had a smile on his face and he did it perfectly. After that, I saw how he helped his mom in the kitchen and how he cleaned the bedroom. He cleaned the carpet and mop the floor. On another visit we went to Cairo together. He had his hotel room; I had mine. When I settled I visited his room. Everything was impecable, everything. I knew he was an incredibly organized man and that convinced me he's husband material. Yes, ladies, men SHOULD be evaluated too. The idea that we're the only ones that should be clean is outrageous!

Now on to the serious issue: different ideals. This is a very touchy issue... and serious. He is muslim; I am anti-religion. But that's where our differences in ideals and belief systems end. He's participated in political panels with amnesty international and I've heard him bring his point. That's how we met and that's how we fell in love. I am a strong activist in liberal politics, working in arts and entertainment. He knows that. He's a feminist and a radical liberal against sharia law. I know that. So, because that's our job, we agree to disagree. Yes, we've had heated debates. Granted, he hasn't arrived to NY. Things may change. I am prepared for that, however. I've changed infrastructure, adjusted some minor lifestyle behaviors (drinking less alcohol, for example) and done other things to make him comfortable. Under the same token, he MUST do the same. He's shown a critical need to learn Spanish- my family's native language- and is already studying the subway maps.

All this said, it's all about compromising. But if you live with a chauvinist narcissist that throws everything to a woman, it makes it almost impossible. Remember, men are not men just because they have a ####### and testosterone. In case you didn't know, women also have testosterone and men have estrogen! WOMEN raise chauvinists. We reinforce the submissive behavior. The best way to know how a man will be, is by meeting his mom. I did and that's how I got convinced I met my future husband.

I really really wish the best for you. I'm not gonna give you advise on what to do, other than change comes from within. Be his mirror. Stop cleaning the house for a week and see what happens. I know is disgusting and I know I would give up and start cleaning. But I also have a choice to pick up and leave and let him live with the filth for that week. I can guarantee 2 things will happen: the house will be spotless or he's back in Egypt. LOL! Do not settle for less than what you deserve. It doesn't mean you failed. It means God has something better for you in the future.

Good luck!

Edited February 2, 2012 by NY_BX