Beauty for Ashes

I guess you will find out when he finishes his residency where you stand
...sigh....

I guess you will find out when he finishes his residency where you stand
...sigh....

Most arab men I have met want children if they really are in love with their wife. Not wanting to have kids is a strong indicator that they might not plan on staying. Its a common excuse to stall and try to play for time while someone is making other plans. Do you want kids? Are you willing to risk your fertility while someone hems and haws about not wanting to have kids with you? Do you really think its all about religion? Using the whole I dont want to raise kids in the united states sounds like a big cop out. I know muslims here married to americans with like 7 kids. I doubt the whole story is being put forth. I think personally he is making excuses and trying to sell you on it. If you have kids OR don't mind never having them, I think the situation could be worked out. HOWEVER if somehow your clock is ticking, I would not let him sell you on this nonsense.. seriously.. it sounds like total malarky and from the sounds of things, I just worry that you are wasting your time and your life with someone who wont be staying. I am not talking about him using you or anything. He may very well have thought some how you would convert or revert, excuse me and is now having second thoughts. There is something called RISK in Islam and it means god or allah brings the money. I just don't believe these kind of stories. I know women pushed into abortions by husband that said they didnt want kids ( man mena wife american)and as soon as he remarried from mena, boom she was pregnant. Honestly, I just would not buy this hook and line story. If you honestly can take the risk, go do it. If not , and you want a baby ( I dont know how old you are by the way) get out and go find someone who will give you one. I don't think this is a mena thing. I think this is a b s line judging from most married muslims wanting kids and not worrying too much about driving themselves crazy about perfect finances. I dont want to sound hurtful , because it isnt about you. Its about how this story sounds. If he didnt want a kafira, why did he marry one? What the hell did you get out of this anyway?
Hugs

I guess you will find out when he finishes his residency where you stand
...sigh....

My tone is different because time has gone by. Its been 4 years since he got here. Its been 3 and a half years since we lost our child. Its been a horrible and rough ride and I am absolutely looking back sure he used me. But something happened on the way to today. I decided that I loved him and that it was all ok. I am 6 years older than I was when I met him. It was 5 years ago December that I got pregnant and so much time has gone by and there have been horrible horrible days that felt like they would last forever.
I think I just decided that I loved him and that I would love him all the way through this marriage, our divorce most likely and everything else that was coming. I think I realised I really loved him when I figured out he was not staying with me most likely and somehow I wanted to hold on to any good memory we had together. ( and there havent been that many honestly) He does have some wonderful qualities in the middle of his mood swings. Hes frightened and he depends on me alot for alot and I actually have depended on him for things too. I used to make a lot of money before he came here and my job fell apart. We lost our child..the one thing that probably would have tied us together in so many ways and I lost a big part of my innocence ,, if you can believe a 39 year old was innocent. I really was. I had no idea about the depths my sorrow could plunge or how much I could love before these past years. You see I dont think it matters if they stay or leave. Its sometimes whether we stay or leave in our own lives. Maybe running to north africa and journeying kept me alive in different ways. I wasnt guaranteed a happy ending. Maybe none of us are. Maybe the ones who lost in love won in amany other ways. Sometimes you can win the guy and lose yourself. Sometimes you can lose the guy and win.
I had my own EAT PRAY LOVE movie and in many ways, my own UNDER THE TUSCANY SUN movie. I make little or no sense to my husband who thinks I went crazy when I told him I know you dont love me but I dont care. I think it makes even less sense to the mena people who know who watch me continue to love him and do for him even after he disparaged me to all of them. I know he is leaving. I know perhaps I should be angry. But what can that win me now? Id rather remember the jasmine at night, Cheba Djenet singing..rai music and wind whipped nights. I d rather remember the way my baby looked when I held him and how much I loved my husband . Id rather remember Tunisia and its white and blue buildings before the arab spring came and how good everything tasted. I might not have had those evenings.. I might have missed a big part of who I am now had I not hurt so bad and loved so hard.
I love him. I know hes leaving. But I loved him and I love him and I miss so much of what wasnt wrong.
I know I make little sense but if you have ever really really understood that you can love someone who isnt or couldnt stay, you will understand me... perhaps..
sigh....

Debbie, I am so sorry this happened to you. My situation was much more complicated because i was pregnant when he arrived and we lost our child. Mine was chatting on the computer, meeting with other women in town and basically made me live without physical affection and physically and emotionally abused me. We are still not legallly divorced and when I was the hospital recently, he did help me in some ways. I think their parents are very well aware of their intentions on leaving us and was the pregnant girl he was sleeping with pregnant by him? You cannot warn these girls against this because no one will ever think it could happen to them. I found that his family was much more complicit in this than even he was. I really really loved him and still do and we have raised my youngest daughter who met him at a year and a half together and had a buried a child together. You can do everything perfectly right and this still can happen. What you need to do now is write a letter to immigration and to the embassy in his home country telling them that you were defrauded and tell them about the infidelity and the only thing that can make you heal from this is the fact he wont have an easy time bringing anyone else over. I have been desperately sick from the stress of dealing with my husband but we had alot more stress than most people honestly. My family flipped out on him after 3 continuous years of abuse and even though he has tried to help me in the years that came, they never ever recovered. I have been living around mixed american and mena marriages since 2001 and honestly other than a few on here that have worked out, in real life, I know none still together, even ones with kids. I cant say its all greencard fraud. Some of it is differences in culture but its one thing to be in a foreign country. Its another thing to get here and start hanging around a bunch of arabs who have used americans for papers ( most were here and met them here and adjusted) They look to these peers alot as examples and literally I had one actually coach my husband of all the nasty things he could do to me to get rid of me etc. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. The one critical difference I had between me and the other american wives was a very strong knowledge of culture and the fact that I have a daughter from someone from MENA from before we married made me very connected to both language and what was going on around me. My husband would hold up all these examples of men who loved their wives etc ( this was 3 years ago) and I would just tell him as soon as they could be done with them, they would be. One by one, each one of them got divorced but it wasnt just mena american, it was MENA MENA LOL with older wives and one Algerian older guy left his older algerian wife with children for like a 22 year old moroccan. There is a whole undercurrent of how they know each other, gossip, perception of who is married and who is married just for papers ( VRAI MARRIAGE) and my name is KAFIRA LOL. I have a strong understanding of culture and believe it or not, even though we havent finalised our divorce, I am very on top of what has happened to me and for the most part it was my fault. He was too young. I had kids and a kid from a mena person I wasnt married to and that was shameful ( didnt you know that mena men dont do that to women LOL LOL AND SUPER LOL) You cant just blanketly warn anyone against doing this because you wouldnt have taken the warning. I think if there is a huge age difference, even if you love the guy, just please be prepared for things to end. If you cant have kids and he wants them, be prepared for things to end. Just be prepared for things to end and if they dont, then YAY you. But I have really come to the conclusion that not only should I have never brought any one over here, I shouldnt have thought that my measely life could over come an immense phobia and hatred of all things GHORBA. This is the GHORBA guy and if someone from their culture sympathises with you, they are a big SHEKAMA. For gods sakes, I lost a child and was deathly ill and neither his mom or any of his jackass friends cared about me. These guys are not american and no matter how much they all look like us, they arent the same and they have a whole set of values and backgrounds that after a year or so of living here, they decide that often the ticket that brought them here is just not what they want.I dont EVER warn women against the relationships because no one listens anyway. All I can say is mine pretty much ruined what was left of my life and I would not under any circumstances, no matter how nice the guy EVER recommend that any one I knew sponsor anyone over here. The relationships never last. The women always get screwed and out of my maybe 10 relationships, one lasts. You wont know your odds till 5 years out, post greencard and usually post citizenship because its usually post citizenship that they leave not post greencard. If you got rid of him without having to suffer another 2 years, YAY you.

Get ready for a denial or start telling your entire family and all your neighbors really quick..
Whats with these guys? Why are you so embarassed of your American wives? Whats so wrong with us that you have to do this nonsense.. You have the nerve to ask if these are red flags? Are you smoking ZATLA? Would you want your sister hooking up with a guy who didnt have the cohonas to tell his family he was marrying? Can I ask if you would think this would be fair to your sister? Oh I forgot .. there seems to be a consensus of some of these guys that wronging American women to the absolutely most stratospheric point is some how acceptable. I feel sorry for your wife. She is not streetsmart enough to know that this is only a BIZNEZZ for you..Its unfair to string this poor American woman along for a relationship that you are so embarassed of that you wont even claim it.. I feel so sorry for your wife.. To answer your question, HELL YEAH its a red flag.. hell yeah

Listen again.. its not everyone.. This is absolutely in response to the original article and as far as hatred, its not. If you come to lets say Philly and ask lets say 100 Moroccans how many of you married an American and got your papers.... then ask them how many are still married to the woman they adjusted to, I will promise you its probably less than 20 percent. It has nothing to do with the worth of the American women. It has more to do with the pervasive idea that adjusting status with marriage or marrying for papers is not really anything to think about. Its true that if you meet the majority of Moroccan US CITIZENS 5 years down the line, the majority are not with the woman that they married and got their original status with. Its a fact of life. If it pisses you off, oh well. Its reality and if you even poll the boards, these boards, most of the marriages 6 years out are not intact. Does that mean the Americans are bad? Oh hell no. Does ICE and USCIS have good reason to believe that alot of these marriages are fraudulent or short lives? YES.. thats why there is a 12 year inquest into it and thats why that CASA is the highest fraud consulate besides CAIRO in MENA. The fact remains that 6 7 8 years out, most Moroccans who marry Americans do not remain with them in the long run. I am the mother of a moroccan and even her dad will blatantly tell you that most Moroccans want to marry younger, virgins from back home. It doesnt mean they do not love their American spouses. It means they are not in their mind considered permanent marriages. The only long term marriages I have ever seen work are where the American wives starts covering and becomes a pretty strict muslim. Society and perception become very important to most Moroccans long term. I have known only one Moroccan American marriage that made it to 20 years and they are still married to this day with 3 kids. He also is extremely laid back and is very americanised.
This has no bearing on the American spouse. This is culture and its culturally acceptible in the moroccan american community and in morocco to marry for papers and then leave her. Its called MARRIAGE BLANCHE of LAWYRIAT..Its common place, It happens and happened all over these boards and it doesnt mean anything bad about the American. Thats the biggest thing to hold close, Its not about good and bad .. its about whats culturally acceptible and 12 years of investigations should very well tell you that its very ingrained as being ok in the community...

Listen again.. its not everyone.. This is absolutely in response to the original article and as far as hatred, its not. If you come to lets say Philly and ask lets say 100 Moroccans how many of you married an American and got your papers.... then ask them how many are still married to the woman they adjusted to, I will promise you its probably less than 20 percent. It has nothing to do with the worth of the American women. It has more to do with the pervasive idea that adjusting status with marriage or marrying for papers is not really anything to think about. Its true that if you meet the majority of Moroccan US CITIZENS 5 years down the line, the majority are not with the woman that they married and got their original status with. Its a fact of life. If it pisses you off, oh well. Its reality and if you even poll the boards, these boards, most of the marriages 6 years out are not intact. Does that mean the Americans are bad? Oh hell no. Does ICE and USCIS have good reason to believe that alot of these marriages are fraudulent or short lives? YES.. thats why there is a 12 year inquest into it and thats why that CASA is the highest fraud consulate besides CAIRO in MENA. The fact remains that 6 7 8 years out, most Moroccans who marry Americans do not remain with them in the long run. I am the mother of a moroccan and even her dad will blatantly tell you that most Moroccans want to marry younger, virgins from back home. It doesnt mean they do not love their American spouses. It means they are not in their mind considered permanent marriages. The only long term marriages I have ever seen work are where the American wives starts covering and becomes a pretty strict muslim. Society and perception become very important to most Moroccans long term. I have known only one Moroccan American marriage that made it to 20 years and they are still married to this day with 3 kids. He also is extremely laid back and is very americanised.
This has no bearing on the American spouse. This is culture and its culturally acceptible in the moroccan american community and in morocco to marry for papers and then leave her. Its called MARRIAGE BLANCHE of LAWYRIAT..Its common place, It happens and happened all over these boards and it doesnt mean anything bad about the American. Thats the biggest thing to hold close, Its not about good and bad .. its about whats culturally acceptible and 12 years of investigations should very well tell you that its very ingrained as being ok in the community...

Its necessary Squeaky. I cannot even begin to describe to you what happens when you have a really bad apple. I had posted something earlier but just decided that it was too painful to even read what I wrote. I can honestly say that the level of fraud is deafening much farther past the embassy. It continues on with the 10 year card and the citizenship application. I have seen women fighting for constructive service ( where the american wife cannot locate her immigrant spouse ) and the immigrant spouse has filed fake vawa, recorded the american, baited, emotionally abused and cheated on the american spouse, with both the north african friends of the immigrant and family of the spouse completely complicit in the fraud and the american is the last to know. There is a reason that the department of homeland security is examining these applications much farther past the embassy because its not just embassy level fraud, its a general feeling of apathy inside the society towards women from other cultures defrauded by these guys. People from their cultures who actually reach out to try to help the Americans are called SHEKAMAS because if you are from that society such as Moroccan or Algerian or Tunisian, you are supposed to side with the immigrant and not the american because its a very us against them attitude. Why are the embassies tough? Because although these people just got caught, this fraud is rampant, common place and plagues specifically Morocco but its not to say that other less fraud active embassies ( which are rapidly catching up). This is very common place and you need to carefully read this.. the result of a TWELVE YEAR STING.
The kindest way to say it is like this. Until you are personally the victim of this, whether it be complicit economic abuse, complicit financial fraud and manipulation and the couple it with physical and emotional abuse and you are a petitioner for someone, its easy to just look at your own situation and then never think it could happen to you. When you actually have a society wide view of none of this being wrong, that defrauding the US government of immigration benefit and its not seen as wrong, thats when it becomes an embassy problem, with a situation where there are loving couples.. but please squeaky, you are not seeing the "real" marriages that the embassy sees slipping through where fraud is commited again the US spouse but USCIS does. Its not just paid marriages, its systematic view of visa fraud, financial fraud and the emotional abuse of countless US petitioners. The embassies may clamp down and yes it may be harder to get through the visas, but these visa stings are not why Casa is tough. Casa is tough because they have to be and because there have been alot of American women defrauded at the stateside level, with missing spouses and American petitioners trying to serve constructive service ( unable to locate immigrant spouses who have take off post immigration benefit)
You should be supportive of these stings and not take the other look at it. Some women are actually saved from the embassies and USCIS taking a very hard look at their marriages. Often the embassy has access to other data mining information and they know things the American does not know and they save that woman alot of heartache. It truly goes either way. I will say that it is horrible for the American to have to shoulder the costs of a divorce after a spouse has received their either 10 year card or US citizenship because too often, once the immigration benefit has been received some of the immigrants take off and leave the responsibility for a divorce on the shoulders of the petitioning american spouse.
I personally applaud the US embassy, USCIS and homeland security for being so ontop of visa fraud. They need to harder on these petitions and not easier and honestly, if a relationship is a real one, it will withstand the scruitiny of everyone. The scrutiny is absolutely necessary. You need to care about the Americans going through this process and understand that a blanket sweep and raid like this has little bearing on why Casa and now other embassies are so strict. They are strict because they know, via statistics and they see people petitioned going back and bringing other people through the embassies. Raids like this have very very little affect on the daily approval or disapproval of petitions.

Get ready for a denial or start telling your entire family and all your neighbors really quick..
Whats with these guys? Why are you so embarassed of your American wives? Whats so wrong with us that you have to do this nonsense.. You have the nerve to ask if these are red flags? Are you smoking ZATLA? Would you want your sister hooking up with a guy who didnt have the cohonas to tell his family he was marrying? Can I ask if you would think this would be fair to your sister? Oh I forgot .. there seems to be a consensus of some of these guys that wronging American women to the absolutely most stratospheric point is some how acceptable. I feel sorry for your wife. She is not streetsmart enough to know that this is only a BIZNEZZ for you..Its unfair to string this poor American woman along for a relationship that you are so embarassed of that you wont even claim it.. I feel so sorry for your wife.. To answer your question, HELL YEAH its a red flag.. hell yeah

Get ready for a denial or start telling your entire family and all your neighbors really quick..
Whats with these guys? Why are you so embarassed of your American wives? Whats so wrong with us that you have to do this nonsense.. You have the nerve to ask if these are red flags? Are you smoking ZATLA? Would you want your sister hooking up with a guy who didnt have the cohonas to tell his family he was marrying? Can I ask if you would think this would be fair to your sister? Oh I forgot .. there seems to be a consensus of some of these guys that wronging American women to the absolutely most stratospheric point is some how acceptable. I feel sorry for your wife. She is not streetsmart enough to know that this is only a BIZNEZZ for you..Its unfair to string this poor American woman along for a relationship that you are so embarassed of that you wont even claim it.. I feel so sorry for your wife.. To answer your question, HELL YEAH its a red flag.. hell yeah

Its necessary Squeaky. I cannot even begin to describe to you what happens when you have a really bad apple. I had posted something earlier but just decided that it was too painful to even read what I wrote. I can honestly say that the level of fraud is deafening much farther past the embassy. It continues on with the 10 year card and the citizenship application. I have seen women fighting for constructive service ( where the american wife cannot locate her immigrant spouse ) and the immigrant spouse has filed fake vawa, recorded the american, baited, emotionally abused and cheated on the american spouse, with both the north african friends of the immigrant and family of the spouse completely complicit in the fraud and the american is the last to know. There is a reason that the department of homeland security is examining these applications much farther past the embassy because its not just embassy level fraud, its a general feeling of apathy inside the society towards women from other cultures defrauded by these guys. People from their cultures who actually reach out to try to help the Americans are called SHEKAMAS because if you are from that society such as Moroccan or Algerian or Tunisian, you are supposed to side with the immigrant and not the american because its a very us against them attitude. Why are the embassies tough? Because although these people just got caught, this fraud is rampant, common place and plagues specifically Morocco but its not to say that other less fraud active embassies ( which are rapidly catching up). This is very common place and you need to carefully read this.. the result of a TWELVE YEAR STING.
The kindest way to say it is like this. Until you are personally the victim of this, whether it be complicit economic abuse, complicit financial fraud and manipulation and the couple it with physical and emotional abuse and you are a petitioner for someone, its easy to just look at your own situation and then never think it could happen to you. When you actually have a society wide view of none of this being wrong, that defrauding the US government of immigration benefit and its not seen as wrong, thats when it becomes an embassy problem, with a situation where there are loving couples.. but please squeaky, you are not seeing the "real" marriages that the embassy sees slipping through where fraud is commited again the US spouse but USCIS does. Its not just paid marriages, its systematic view of visa fraud, financial fraud and the emotional abuse of countless US petitioners. The embassies may clamp down and yes it may be harder to get through the visas, but these visa stings are not why Casa is tough. Casa is tough because they have to be and because there have been alot of American women defrauded at the stateside level, with missing spouses and American petitioners trying to serve constructive service ( unable to locate immigrant spouses who have take off post immigration benefit)
You should be supportive of these stings and not take the other look at it. Some women are actually saved from the embassies and USCIS taking a very hard look at their marriages. Often the embassy has access to other data mining information and they know things the American does not know and they save that woman alot of heartache. It truly goes either way. I will say that it is horrible for the American to have to shoulder the costs of a divorce after a spouse has received their either 10 year card or US citizenship because too often, once the immigration benefit has been received some of the immigrants take off and leave the responsibility for a divorce on the shoulders of the petitioning american spouse.
I personally applaud the US embassy, USCIS and homeland security for being so ontop of visa fraud. They need to harder on these petitions and not easier and honestly, if a relationship is a real one, it will withstand the scruitiny of everyone. The scrutiny is absolutely necessary. You need to care about the Americans going through this process and understand that a blanket sweep and raid like this has little bearing on why Casa and now other embassies are so strict. They are strict because they know, via statistics and they see people petitioned going back and bringing other people through the embassies. Raids like this have very very little affect on the daily approval or disapproval of petitions.

Its necessary Squeaky. I cannot even begin to describe to you what happens when you have a really bad apple. I had posted something earlier but just decided that it was too painful to even read what I wrote. I can honestly say that the level of fraud is deafening much farther past the embassy. It continues on with the 10 year card and the citizenship application. I have seen women fighting for constructive service ( where the american wife cannot locate her immigrant spouse ) and the immigrant spouse has filed fake vawa, recorded the american, baited, emotionally abused and cheated on the american spouse, with both the north african friends of the immigrant and family of the spouse completely complicit in the fraud and the american is the last to know. There is a reason that the department of homeland security is examining these applications much farther past the embassy because its not just embassy level fraud, its a general feeling of apathy inside the society towards women from other cultures defrauded by these guys. People from their cultures who actually reach out to try to help the Americans are called SHEKAMAS because if you are from that society such as Moroccan or Algerian or Tunisian, you are supposed to side with the immigrant and not the american because its a very us against them attitude. Why are the embassies tough? Because although these people just got caught, this fraud is rampant, common place and plagues specifically Morocco but its not to say that other less fraud active embassies ( which are rapidly catching up). This is very common place and you need to carefully read this.. the result of a TWELVE YEAR STING.
The kindest way to say it is like this. Until you are personally the victim of this, whether it be complicit economic abuse, complicit financial fraud and manipulation and the couple it with physical and emotional abuse and you are a petitioner for someone, its easy to just look at your own situation and then never think it could happen to you. When you actually have a society wide view of none of this being wrong, that defrauding the US government of immigration benefit and its not seen as wrong, thats when it becomes an embassy problem, with a situation where there are loving couples.. but please squeaky, you are not seeing the "real" marriages that the embassy sees slipping through where fraud is commited again the US spouse but USCIS does. Its not just paid marriages, its systematic view of visa fraud, financial fraud and the emotional abuse of countless US petitioners. The embassies may clamp down and yes it may be harder to get through the visas, but these visa stings are not why Casa is tough. Casa is tough because they have to be and because there have been alot of American women defrauded at the stateside level, with missing spouses and American petitioners trying to serve constructive service ( unable to locate immigrant spouses who have take off post immigration benefit)
You should be supportive of these stings and not take the other look at it. Some women are actually saved from the embassies and USCIS taking a very hard look at their marriages. Often the embassy has access to other data mining information and they know things the American does not know and they save that woman alot of heartache. It truly goes either way. I will say that it is horrible for the American to have to shoulder the costs of a divorce after a spouse has received their either 10 year card or US citizenship because too often, once the immigration benefit has been received some of the immigrants take off and leave the responsibility for a divorce on the shoulders of the petitioning american spouse.
I personally applaud the US embassy, USCIS and homeland security for being so ontop of visa fraud. They need to harder on these petitions and not easier and honestly, if a relationship is a real one, it will withstand the scruitiny of everyone. The scrutiny is absolutely necessary. You need to care about the Americans going through this process and understand that a blanket sweep and raid like this has little bearing on why Casa and now other embassies are so strict. They are strict because they know, via statistics and they see people petitioned going back and bringing other people through the embassies. Raids like this have very very little affect on the daily approval or disapproval of petitions.

Its necessary Squeaky. I cannot even begin to describe to you what happens when you have a really bad apple. I had posted something earlier but just decided that it was too painful to even read what I wrote. I can honestly say that the level of fraud is deafening much farther past the embassy. It continues on with the 10 year card and the citizenship application. I have seen women fighting for constructive service ( where the american wife cannot locate her immigrant spouse ) and the immigrant spouse has filed fake vawa, recorded the american, baited, emotionally abused and cheated on the american spouse, with both the north african friends of the immigrant and family of the spouse completely complicit in the fraud and the american is the last to know. There is a reason that the department of homeland security is examining these applications much farther past the embassy because its not just embassy level fraud, its a general feeling of apathy inside the society towards women from other cultures defrauded by these guys. People from their cultures who actually reach out to try to help the Americans are called SHEKAMAS because if you are from that society such as Moroccan or Algerian or Tunisian, you are supposed to side with the immigrant and not the american because its a very us against them attitude. Why are the embassies tough? Because although these people just got caught, this fraud is rampant, common place and plagues specifically Morocco but its not to say that other less fraud active embassies ( which are rapidly catching up). This is very common place and you need to carefully read this.. the result of a TWELVE YEAR STING.
The kindest way to say it is like this. Until you are personally the victim of this, whether it be complicit economic abuse, complicit financial fraud and manipulation and the couple it with physical and emotional abuse and you are a petitioner for someone, its easy to just look at your own situation and then never think it could happen to you. When you actually have a society wide view of none of this being wrong, that defrauding the US government of immigration benefit and its not seen as wrong, thats when it becomes an embassy problem, with a situation where there are loving couples.. but please squeaky, you are not seeing the "real" marriages that the embassy sees slipping through where fraud is commited again the US spouse but USCIS does. Its not just paid marriages, its systematic view of visa fraud, financial fraud and the emotional abuse of countless US petitioners. The embassies may clamp down and yes it may be harder to get through the visas, but these visa stings are not why Casa is tough. Casa is tough because they have to be and because there have been alot of American women defrauded at the stateside level, with missing spouses and American petitioners trying to serve constructive service ( unable to locate immigrant spouses who have take off post immigration benefit)
You should be supportive of these stings and not take the other look at it. Some women are actually saved from the embassies and USCIS taking a very hard look at their marriages. Often the embassy has access to other data mining information and they know things the American does not know and they save that woman alot of heartache. It truly goes either way. I will say that it is horrible for the American to have to shoulder the costs of a divorce after a spouse has received their either 10 year card or US citizenship because too often, once the immigration benefit has been received some of the immigrants take off and leave the responsibility for a divorce on the shoulders of the petitioning american spouse.
I personally applaud the US embassy, USCIS and homeland security for being so ontop of visa fraud. They need to harder on these petitions and not easier and honestly, if a relationship is a real one, it will withstand the scruitiny of everyone. The scrutiny is absolutely necessary. You need to care about the Americans going through this process and understand that a blanket sweep and raid like this has little bearing on why Casa and now other embassies are so strict. They are strict because they know, via statistics and they see people petitioned going back and bringing other people through the embassies. Raids like this have very very little affect on the daily approval or disapproval of petitions.

Some awfully good observations here, and Anita... Thank you to everyone who gave their input. It's all been helpful.
As I said in the beginning, I wasn't entirely sure I was looking at this with a clear head and that my motivations came from the right place. I really thought I was keeping my emotions out of it, but I've taken some time to step back, cool off, and look at things again. I've seen a counselor, again. And I've done some checking. I'm almost certain my SIL's fiance is not the same guy my ex mentioned setting her up with months ago. This guy's a USC, a distant relative (not unusual culturally). It will probably be close to a year before they even start the process, and if and when they do, it will be on them to prove what they need to prove. I have absolutely nothing that would be useful to ICE one way or the other (heck, if ICE is reading this and thinks otherwise, I'm sure they can find me), and I have no reason to interfere in her marriage, which is what I would be doing. If she and her future husband decide to relocate, that's up to them. They'll be looking out for their own best interests, or should be, and the way the economy is going in my state, they may very well choose to stay put.
As for embracing their culture and then rejecting it, I'm sure I have overreacted somewhat in a broad sense. I believe I was deceived by ONE person, whether it was a plan from the beginning (and, yeah, "military service," BfA) or not. I didn't want him to become "Americanized." I did want him to be comfortable in his new home, and I wanted him to be who I believed him to be; his birth culture does not condone this id-driven behavior at all, and neither does my own, as a matter of fact. I had come to love and respect his culture even though it would never be my own. What I fear is that he will continue to dodge ALL the tenets of his own belief system when it comes to his own behavior, spend less and less time with his daughter, but then try to insist that his daughter be raised a certain way, not because it is right but so he and his family will not lose face. And that, to me, is just hypocrisy. If we'd remained a team, putting the necessary WORK into the intercultural/interfaith partnership as we'd agreed, with him taking an equal parenting role and modeling the behavior he wished her to follow, it would have been different, but to bail on her and yet expect me to raise her in something foreign to me that I would be lousy at teaching is neither reasonable nor fair to her. Neither is having his extended family step in to play his role while he messes around, if that is indeed his expectation. If he wants to be the dad, he needs to be the dad. If he abdicates, I'm picking up where he leaves off and using my own best judgment. And so far, that's the way it's gone.
As it happens, his is not an isolated case. A few bad apples from that country have put it on Google's short list. But that doesn't mean his family had anything to do with it, and that doesn't mean I'm justified in going from admiring my ex-beloved's country and culture to rejecting it outright since he flipped on me. What's happened is that my heart got busted up very unexpectedly by someone I trusted completely, plus my deepest fear is of somehow having my daughter taken away from me. I still hurt, and I still worry about my child, so when I'm especially tired and overworked, as I was when I first posted, heartache inches closer to desire for revenge, and concern inches toward mild paranoia or at least a feeling of being ganged up on when it hasn't even happened yet, wanting to just hunker down with my kid and do the best I can to raise her to be healthy and happy without having people around whom I don't entirely trust anymore. Extended family there is like nuclear family is here. Everybody has a say. I'm tired, and I just don't want to go up against "everybody." BfA, you might have some personal insight here about how likely that is to happen. I don't think the truth is that extreme, but as I said, the emotions are still skewing my vision. As an old friend of mine who happens to be one of the ex's compatriots said to me recently, if his own sister had the same done to her by an American, he would be tempted to see all Americans in the same light too. So my reaction is normal. And that's why I've got to lay things out in front of unbiased folks before taking action.
What it comes down to is no, my STBX is not a dog with anger issues who's going to run around the U.S. wreaking havoc. He's holding down a decent job, paying taxes, paying child support, has never been arrested. Since long before the split he's been partying like someone ten years younger than he is, drinking too much, and bedding as many bar girls and coeds as he can, and maybe one day he'll grow out of that, but there are plenty of Americans doing the same thing, and they're no danger to society. They're just lousy spouses. I'm hurt, I'm mad, I'm soooo overworked, and I can't go out and get a little affection of my own because I feel bound to my own dang marriage vows even if he does not (and yeah, that's my problem, not his), plus my daughter's needs come before mine, so I've got to suck it up, vent sometimes, but deal with it like a grownup. I made my first post thinking my emotions weren't that much at play, but obviously they still are. I'm going to leave him and his family to do what they do, and I'm going to tend my own garden. If I see or hear of anything concrete and illegal, I'll do my duty and report it, but otherwise, I'll keep my nose out of it and leave it to the pros who, presumably, have their own hearts intact.
Enough metaphors mixed? Cheers, and thanks, y'all. This pity party is over.

Thank you...coming from someone actually from there is alot easier to swallow than an American saying it.. And to tell you the truth, its even more heartbreaking when its a plot by the whole family.....like the man or young man is coached by relatives as to how to manipulate and hurt this "old woman" who honestly may be thinking she found the love of her whole life and that he is the answer to her prayers only to leave her or begin to severely physically and emotionally abuse her when he is getting close to getting or has gotten what they wanted.. These "older women" cannot see clearly Yasser and its not till they are in the throws of being screwed over that they wake up and often its too late. Imagine whats going through this poor Americans mind as her husband plots against her to take what little she has after she had to provide 3 years tax returns coupled with the expense of going over there all the time only to be left alone in the end.. Its very very very very very hard on the American, I can tell you. Very very very hard on the women that invested 3 4 5 years in relationships, 2 years of waiting sometimes with the process and AP to have the person who they thought was amazing turn into a total monster. Unfortuatnly you cannot tell the women in their 50s and late 40s anything while they are involved with someone half their age. They wont listen until they wake up broke and shattered..Its even worse when there are kids involved and they are emotionally affected by both the process and the break up that eventually happens

This whole topic is ridiculous. If the truth is told, he probably didn't want his name on anything because his religion forbids him from paying interest. It gets on my nerves that MENA guys want to build a credit history but don't want their name on anything. Not only that, but this guy has been talking to someone if he's only been here 7 months and he's already trying to figure out how to get some of what she probably worked years to obtain. She should send him packing back to Egypt with his suitcase and clothes which is more than likely what he showed up with.

I love this thread.
If I remember right, in the Arab culture, the man is suppose to support the wife, and the wife's money is for her. So perhaps it would be in her best interest if she attempted to adapt to his culture.
But as one stated, he is in America, and that he bears the burden of adapting to our culture. So that being said, since he is no longer employed does she come home from work to a clean house and dinner cooked? Is he doing laundry, shopping, yard work? Because in America we share not only the financial burdens, but work around the house. If one is not working outside of the home they should be doing the work in the home. So if he is not doing these things, then what exactly has he been contributing to the marriage, and in what way is he entitled to anything if he isn't? How long did he work as compared to how long has she worked? Is it right for a man that has worked for only a short time to take from a woman that has worked her entire adult life? Would it be right for her to have to start over?
I am not saying the marriage was fraud, although we all know the statistics. What I am saying is that there are always two sides of the story, and it sounds as if the guy merely wants more than he actually deserves. I do get tired of hearing about human sponges, be it an immigrant or an American, that feel entitled.

What exactly is he doing if you have to hire a maid to clean? I am not understanding this situation and why exactly you have to work a third job. Can't he get a small job doing something in the meanwhile? I know shes not 4 yet but when she is , I suggest you put her in VPK and the after care is very very very reasonable. I am just not understanding how your house is getting so trashed if there is someone there all the time.. ( unless he was very spoiled in Morocco and his mother did all the cooking and cleaning and he did absolutely nothing) You are a little too young to be a sugar momma if you know what I mean

Henia is Hungarian and lives in Algeria and is married to an Algerian and has been living there and has had 2 kids there. She lives the every day life of an Algerian wife and her kids go to Algerian schools.She sees the day in and day out life living there as an expat and has alot of experience.
Secondly, I cannot see why Morocco would want to be a gulf state. They have absolutely nothing in common with the gulf other than khaligis who use it for a play ground and have 2nd wives there . The only thing the gulf has given morocco is wahabbism and craziness, building centers in poor areas and recruiting out of the poorest of the poorest neighborhood and giving a feeding ground to Al Qaeda. Morocco is a heck of alot more than a sexual playground for rich khaligis and a breeding ground for easy terrorist foder. Think Marrakech this year and Casablanca several years ago and the continued recruitment out of Morocco. I think Morocco would be best served just being itself and staying the beautiful cultural and touristic destination it has always been and its best treasures are its people themselves.. Moroccans are a wonderful addition to America and some of the best of the best live in Florida.. Architects.. heck even one of the best cancer specialists in Orlando is Moroccan. They have integrated wonderfully into American society
I dont know what problem Algerians have with the King. He is part of the story of Morocco and my daughters grandfather Alal Belhadi worked for Hassan in special services and while he himself was a monster, kidnapping people, torturing people, you name it, his son seems to be trying to enact reforms. ( What everyone has done to the saharaouis is ANOTHER story but that was Spains mess that they created by colonising the area and as aggravating as it is to say because I support the saharaouis, the Moroccans have a hell of alot more rights to it than Spain ever did.
In conclusion, if Moroccans like their king and want their king, then more power to them. Algeria has a military dicatatorship and closed doors to the west and does not have a tourist culture period but DOES have a hell of alot more natural resources that Moroocco and seriously it would make more sense for Algeria to be a gulf state than Morocco.
I can only imagine the flood into UAE and DUBAI when that happens. I have been to UAE and it already feels like half of Morocco is there already.
My daughter is half Moroccan by the way, maybe I am biased
Just like Moroccans are fed a bunch of bs about Algerians in their news, media etc, you guys get fed a bunch of bs about Algeria and Algerians. All of this really stems back to 1970s and the invasion of the western sahara. Algeria wanted it as a way to reach the sea and you guys wanted it for shipping rights and because its the best fishing anywhere around. Its tragic that all the money the king gets for fishing licenses and phosphate exploration goes to the king and not to Moroccans themselves but you like your king and if you want that, more power to you. The whole disappearing saharouis and expelling of journalists out of the western sahara doesnt do much to bolster the whole we are nice to saharouis fallacy but I will roll with you on this one. Enjoy...

Henia, with all due respect and I love you girl and you know this, I have found just as many nasty materialistic Algerians looking for information on how much you earn. They like their king and they want their king and its part of their identity. I am not really sure about all the Moroccans you are talking about in Algeria but in the west of Algeria, you have to remember Tlemcen was actually Morocco ( think Mansoura and the architecture there) The only reason many parts of the west are not in Morocco is because the French carved up a nice big chunk of Morocco and set the stage for everyone to argue. To be honest with you, Emir Abedlkader was sold out to the French by Moroccans and they actually handed him over to be imprisoned so this whole crazy feud goes back to about 1832. LOL.
There are actually Algerians who think that alot of the terror in Algeria was supported by Morocco because of Algeria's support of the polisario. All of this is just crazy because without Tunisia and Morocco, there would have been an Algerian Revolution. Many of Algeria's leaders including Bouteflika sought refuge in Morocco during the Algerian war and Moroccans saved their life. Chalk all of this up to long standing rivalry. But you are really wrong about the west and honestly there were alot of Moroccans whose families lived hundreds and hundreds of years who Algeria kicked out because as I said, western Algeria was actually Morocco at one time. Oran is full of Moroccans and even many rai singers, Cheba Zahouania, Cheb Kader and young Cheb Kader have Moroccan parents. The attitude of Central Algerians and Eastern Algerians is much different than Oran which completely has a different cuisine and is alot closer to Moroccan culture than Algerian any day.
So in conclusion , Henia while I agree with almost everything you say and I love you dearly and you know that, Algerians are not much better in the using and materialism dept. They can be snakes too and really absorbed with money too. I know too many generous and kind and truly good Moroccans to let this one go..
HUGS.. HUGS and more HUGS

I think you are right on the money MIBEN. Those reports will help with the court. Their testimony will help you the most

I see this all the time. If I had a dollar for every woman I have met who hooked up with a guy who had a kid from a previous relationship and then set her sights on taking the kid away from the mom, Id be rich. I think its more a ploy on the woman's part to some how endear themselves to the man than motivation on the other side to have their kid.
This guy sounds truly truly evil though and honestly, I feel sorry for the girl, the kids and the ex wife. From what I have seen, it takes alot overseas in MENA for women to get fed up to begin with and for her to sack her marriage, she probably did just want her kid and not much else from him.
For me honestly, its the pure complicated evil of the whole thing that pits my stomach. Setting up this poor deluded American girl to get revenge on an ex wife.. whats more mortifying to me is the extent that hes already manipulated her. YIKES..
After every antic I have seen over the last 10 years, I cannot say that I am shocked. Not one bit