Prisonmate

Did you get a letter stating that your wife's LPR card has been extended for 48 months until they process your case?

She found a job in a "call center" and is living with her clubbing friends. She said she will continue to go to the college on her own but I don't see how she can do it with her new lifestyle and working at the Call Center. Where will she find time to sleep and study and go to school after working the night shift at the call center. Her clubbing activities are important to her so I think she will give up on schooling. It's just funny how other girls her age would love to have someone sponsor them to go to college. Yet, this cousin threw away this opportunity away because her clubbing friends are more important than an education for a better life.

20 minutes ago, Adventine said:

So was Maria posting photos of herself because she needed more money? Or because she was trying to catch a romantic partner? Or even because she thought it was fun?

 

How are her grades? Apart from this incident, what's her general attitude like?

 

If this incident was a one-time thing, and Maria is otherwise a good student and a respectful, helpful member of the family, chalk it up to a dumb teenage idea. 

 

But if this incident is part of a larger pattern of irresponsible behavior, then your wife may be justified in cutting her off.

Her grades are very good in High School. But I don't trust the grading system there. Teachers give out good grades not on merit but if they like the students. Their education level is not the same as here. She went to a public high school not a private high school.

Thank you for your reply.

This is for members that are from the Philippines:

We need your opinion on this situation

My wife and her family (Mother and sister) in the Philippines are supporting her female cousin ("Maria"). Maria lives with them and has been part of the family for several years now. They treat her very well and supported her schooling all the way to her recent graduation from High School.

The plan is to send to her college in the Philippines.

Everything was fine until Maria got caught posting photos of herself in her underwear with her face cutoff in a website call Pornview(?).

At this point, my wife is upset and feel that Maria no longer deserves her financial help for college. There are other relatives that can use the financial assistance to go to college. Maria is 20 years old. Is my wife wasting her money supporting Maria?

My question for other members that understands the Philippine Culture is my wife overreacting? Without college, Maria will have very few career choices in the Philippines. She probably end up doing laundry for others as a job with only a high school degree.

What would other members from the Philippines advise in this situation?

12 hours ago, Talako said:

I don't mean to be critical, but you should have a better plan than to have your wife living only on Social Security.

Good point. I am teaching her how to invest in ETF's and setting up a ROTH IRA for her. 

10 hours ago, LexieJ said:

I was once like your wife, been providing for my parents and a younger brother when I started working, more than half oy paycheck goes to them when I was still in the Philippines. Back then my older brother was also sending her money as he was working as OFW in Taiwan. My mom sounds like your MIL. No  matter how much me and my brother sends was never enough. We even bought them a nice house in an executive village in our town. This was a very tough situation for me and my husband, we were in the brink of divorce multiple times because of this, the first 7-8 years of our marriage was very shaky because of my mom and her expectations of me supporting them '"forever" . Move forward they moved here in the US, they migrated here in 2012 and granted she helped us baby sit our kids and we have been paying them for $800/month but they were also living with us for free and she always makes "sarcastic remarks that what we pay her is chunk of change as make a lot of money because I'm a nurse!" Those years that she lived were us was torture for me and my husband! She feels very entitled to our home and my income as she feels like "without her I will not be where I am now", never once she gave me any credit for any of my efforts being a scholar back home and had a very tough time at school! She was not the one that took the NCLEX RN and found the employer who sponsored me for my GC! I married a Pinoy guy who grew up here so he is very Americanized, although he's Pinoy he does not understand why my mom is like that as his parents are very independent and do not rely on him or his sister for anything. I have had it with her a few years ago, they bought a mobile home and we told her that she can move out of my home and we do not need her help, I cut the ties and I could not have been at peace! I chose to take care of my husband and my 2 kids and i told  her " I have paid you enough, I am a mom myself and I am doing my best to raise my kids to be good members of the society" . Good thing we are here in CA and there's quite a few entitlement programs because of their age so I have stopped giving her money and  they are comfortable living in their little mobile home. On the other hand my older brother's family broke off because he unfortunately chose to continue supporting my parents and now he lives with them with no wife and his kids are away from him too. So, in the end your wife has to make the choice and decision to make your relationship work, never say that your marriage will not break as I saw it first hand with my brother and my marriage almost broke as well but in the end I chose my husband and my kids over my parents. And not all parents are like your MIL or my mom, my in laws are different and very independent, my aunt who is my mom's sister is the total opposite of her and sometimes I wish she is my mom. I still fulfill my obligation with them as a daughter by taking them to their doctor's appointments and doing errands for them, I rarely talk to her as well as every time she talks to me all she wants to do is complain and talk about money. Good luck to you, hope your wife will chose you over her parents.

Thank you for taking the time to write your story. There are others out there that is similar. No matter what your relationship is with your parents now, you're a good daughter and person that took care of their parents as long as they could afford to.

I would never impose on my children but other parents are different in their circumstances.

7 hours ago, MarJhi said:

During the height of the pandemic when the Philippines was completely locked down and most people could not work, I sent $350 to $400 a month and that covered rent, utilities and food in a decent place in Makati for 6 to 8 people during that time. Only one of them was still working (security guard). I know you seem to want to keep justifying the $700 per month figure, but it's an extravagant amount for 3 people. 

 

 

 

Hmmm, if it came down to choosing between you or your mother, who do you think she is going to choose? Your wife will "put up with it" as long as mother tells her to. The mother in law is a bully, you and your wife are caving in to the bullying. 

 

 

You keep repeating this "I'll be dead" line. Try to focus on the here and now. 

 

Anyone counting on Social Security checks as a retirement income is setting themselves up for poverty, especially the way things are going. Beyond that, ask your MIL what your wife will live on, she is spending it for her right now.

 

Did you ever think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, your wife wants you to stand up and say NO MORE? Maybe what she can't say to her mother she is hoping you will take the pressure off of her and set limits on the MIL. Maybe your wife is counting on you to play bad cop to her good cop. 

 

 

Interesting viewpoint. Thank you for that input. Good question to ponder on.

14 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I don't think that is necessarily the "culture", because there are individuals involved, not everyone in every country follows the same standard. Through family and family of friends from the Philippines, I have known many Filipinas who are the primary breadwinner. In fact, in many occupations, especially retail in the Philippines, you will see the workforce is 90% female, because the employers want a young attractive female as the face of the company. Other occupations like the teachers and the medical fields skew heavy towards the female worker. Then if you look at the number of OFW's from the Philippines, 56% are female (out of 2.2 million).

 

Total Number of OFWs Estimated at 2.2 Million | Philippine Statistics Authority (psa.gov.ph)

From my experience here in the USA and in the Philippines, Filipinas are the best workers and earning money for the family.  I see too many cases where the Husband and Boyfriends are living off them but that is another subject we don't want to start.

13 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I don't believe anyone on here has been arguing that it's an all or nothing proposition. I think they are making an argument about being reasonable and unreasonable in expectations/demands. 

 

The truth is the MIL is playing dirty, trying to guilt trip the daughter. The daughter is already providing for the MIL, so there is no guilt to be had on her part. How far will the MIL take this? How willing is she to let her greed lead to a fracture in your relationship? $700 isn't enough now, $800 won't be enough, $1000 wont be enough. it will never end until your relationship with your wife is destroyed. 

It won't destroy my relationship with my wife but I wonder how long my wife will put up with it. If my MIL live to hundred, my wife will be sending monthly remittance in her 70's. By then, I'll be dead and won't be able to help my wife financially.  My wife won't be able to afford to send her Social Security checks to her mother.  What will my wife live on then?

13 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I think the issue is whatever falls under the heading "miscellaneous". Time to get some receipts and figure out where the luxuries are. $700 a month is ridiculous for food, utilities and clothing for 3 people.

I'm sure the monthly remittance is for other miscellaneous and unexpected expenses. My feeling is that we should help family members if they need it and if we can afford to do it. I wonder is it human nature that we are never satisfy with what we have instead of being just grateful.

20 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

Everyone's financial situation is different...

Some people believe the man is the breadwinner and should cover all expenses. If the wife works? That's pin money. 

I've been told also in the Philippine's Culture, the men is suppose to provide everything. If the wife works, it will be nice but the main breadwinner is the man.

10 minutes ago, Jhay & Cherry said:

You have to remind the mom that you married her daughter and NOT her. 

It is up to you and your wife to decide what would be SUFFICIENT in order to give VOLUNTARY support. 

When the mom lays some guilt trip to the Daughter, talk it out. discuss everything with THEM. 

Assure them that you two can and will support as BEST as you see fit within REASONS. 

Standards of living the Philippines vary from person to person and let alone from Family to Family. 

The word "obligation" in the Filipino Culture has been out right stretched at times. 

 

Good Luck and may the peace with you always. 

Thank you for your input. Not all MIL are the same. Some do not need anything from their children and others depend on them for everything. 

36 minutes ago, Talako said:

Not sure what exactly what you are looking for here.  Your answers seem to indicate that your ok with the support, and your only issue is ingratitude.  She won't change unless you do something painful.  For you, I don't really have any coping skills to impart as my MIL is amazing.  Some answers:

 

Is the MIL a problem:  Yes

Is the support amount adequate:  Yes

Is the ingratitude uncalled for:  Yes

Is your wife trapped by culture:  Yes

Is a positive cultural trait being weaponized:  Yes

Will this continue be a problem:  Yes

Can you solve the problem:  No

Can your wife solve the problem:  Yes

Does your wife have inner strength for some tough love:  Unknown

 

To be honest, I think your screwed.  People rarely change without any sort of a "come to Jesus moment," and even then, rarely is it permanent.  This will eat at everyone involved until you break from the resentment and conflict.

 

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but your stuck unless your wife finds that inner strength and reassess her priorities.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply and I agreed with you. I won't suffer but my wife will when I an "in heaven". At that point, if she has not learned, she will be the one suffering.

6 hours ago, Mike V said:

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

Interesting. So what is the punishment for breaking this law? Who enforce this Family Code?

18 minutes ago, Soloenta said:

  My Phillipine friends  told me to look up average wages. Were shocked $700 wasn't enough since the average wage is around $240.  Only if they were expats would they need from #1000,00 go $1,500 to live how theh were used to in for example the US.  Remember expats and tourists are in general or usually pay more for everything.  Hive her more, she will ask for more sooner than you think.  

🤔🤑

  I would stop paying her for a month. I'm sure she will appreciate the $700 after that.  Just saying.

If my wife stops sending even for a month or lower the amount, I know she not be able to handle the guilt. Her mother would not stay silence. There would be so much drama that it's not worth it. Sad to say.

4 minutes ago, Chancy said:

 

The law states only necessities of the recipient, not luxuries.  $700 is more than enough to cover the necessities of one person in the Philippines.

 

The monthly remittance is for food, utilities, miscellaneous, clothing for mother and two sisters. My wife will send extra when there is a birthday and more for Christmas.

3 hours ago, bren6969 said:

i'm sorry if it sounded like i was rooting against your relationship, you guys sound like a nice couple that can talk through things.

I feel for you guys, these cultural things are so ingrained in us it must be very hard for your wife to change her way of thinking, especially when her mom treats her like this.

No offense taken. Thank you for taking the time to posting your views. It will certainly help others in similar situations. You're right about the cultural things being so ingrained in the children nature to take care of the parents no matter how difficult it is. I can rant on about this all day. LOL

11 hours ago, bren6969 said:

i'd advise your wife to get some therapy for herself, to help her see her mom's manipulation and to help break down some of her guilt, sure there's nothing wrong with helping family, but being a doormat has a huge impact on her self esteem and mental health. if you guys ever split up for any reason, how would she support herself and her family back home? would she starve to feed her family? i think this is some dangerous self destructive behavior. 

since for the mom the amount of money she sends will never be enough, maybe she can discuss with her sisters what would be a fair amount

We won't split up but I will die first since I am older. And when that happens and if she has not learn by then, she won't be financially secure supporting herself in the USA and may move back to the Philippines. Her mother will live to an hundred and the daughters in their seventies will still be sending money back there.

9 hours ago, RO_AH said:

Hahaha seriously? Here's how it works. She sends her mom what she wants to send and the mom is grateful for every penny her daughter worked for and sent to her.

 

If I gave anything to anyone who was not grateful, that would be the last time I did unless they change.

If this could only be true.  The mother is grateful for whatever amount the daughter sends instead of saying it is not enough. The mother lays a guilt trip to the daughter that she cannot work due to her health.

8 hours ago, EllisAndRenz said:

My wife is one of those ones that can't say no.  Every now and then she has an epiphany and shuts down for a bit, but a month or two later, she's sending a few weeks of her salary back to Manila.  😞 

 

Yes, I  hear you. The culture of supporting the parents is too strong in the Philippines. However, it is mostly the daughters that is supporting the parents and family members.

3 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

What will you do if there is an emergency in the US? 

Is your wife comfortable not sending money that month or sending less than the standard $700?

Have you had that discussion before? 

 

After this latest event with the MIL, my wife will take pause from communicating with her mother. However, money has to be send as they need money to buy food and pay the utilities.

5 minutes ago, seekingthetruth said:

May I ask where your MIL lives?  That makes a huge difference in cost of living.

 

$700 is about 36,000 pesos

One daughter makes 23,000

Rent/mortgage is paid

Other daughter's education is paid

 

So they have almost 60,000 pesos a month for food and other expenses.  Do they all have iPhones and need the latest one every year?

 

Many expats survive in the Philippines for less than that including rent, food, beer, etc.

Yes, they do live very well and they live in the southern part of the Philippines. Living well is fine. Just wish the MIL would appreciate her daughter's (my wife) effort in sending the monthly remittance.

2 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

Emergencies always "seem" to happen. That is what I learned with my first 2 short lived relationships with Pinay's. Constant emergencies, always a crisis which could only be fixed by sending money.  I learned from them and with my wife who I have been with for over 10 years now I wanted to start off with a healthy relationship. In the very beginning when I did start sending money I told er open a bank account. I would send a set amount every 2 weeks and every time I sent she had to put 1k PHP in the account and that was for any emergencies. Emergencies would never change the set amount that I sent.

Yes, total agreement there. Emergencies always "seem" to happen. There is always an unexpected expenses. The exchange rate is lower now but prices in pesos are higher. Costs in the Philippines are higher due to inflation and Covid.  Someone is sick, dying or died, a family member got admitted to a hospital, someone's house burned down, and on and on.