rkk1

Link? I'm not exactly sure how analogous the situation of college students (are these American students in America? or international students?), who have a fixed period of time living together collectively in generally non-romantic situations with the aim of gaining education, after which they may or may not stay near their university, is to the situation of newlyweds, one of whom has moved to a foreign country, living in a domestic, open-ended, romantic relationship.
When I moved to the UK as brand-new bride just out of college, I suffered from massive homesickness even though I had been living there prior to my marriage. No matter how much I loved my new husband -- I really, truly did -- I was often overcome with something like sorrow and the passing of my old life. It did not mean I was unhappy, but that I was transitioning from one stage in life to another. I had left my friends and my doting family behind, and had to forge new links with people who were often ignorant at best and dismissive or rude at worst about my culture. I didn't know how anything worked -- from getting a bank account, to figuring out which bus to take, which words to use, which words NOT to use, and so much more -- all while navigating the waters of a new marriage. It was hard work and my husband gave me a ton of support, thankfully, but I spent a long time forging a new identity in Britain and it wasn't a painless process.
And yes, I cried. A lot. I loved my husband but I was so miserable I wasn't sure how I could make it work. I threatened to leave more than once. But I knew I had married this person and we had chosen together to live where we did, so I was going to have to lump it.
But eventually life over there became what was normal, London became "home" and my homesickness turned into the occasional pang of missing a certain person. And when he and I split after nearly 10 years together, I didn't think of going back to America because London was now home. When I did move back to the States after 12 years abroad, I went through the process of homesickness and acclimatization again, but this time with someone who was new to America as well. Double greenhorn syndrome! I had no clue how to do so much in America when I returned. I am grateful to the family and friends who helped smooth the path.
Despite your pounding away about homesickness, attempting to pathologize it into practically a mental illness, it is not an abnormal state of affairs. For someone who touts his empathy, you seem to withhold it from those here who have said they have suffered from homesickness. I don't hold anyone else responsible for my happiness except myself and being homesick isn't (necessarily) playing the victim.
I think it's fantastic and admirable your wife has had a much easier time adjusting to life abroad than I (or others here) have, and that you have given her the support and love she needs. That doesn't mean, as you should know full well, that everyone can react similarly. Dismissing homesickness as some form of manipulation seems a little odd to me.

I really like your post, and I think it is very relevant. Some people may think that this forum should only be strictly about the visa application process, but I disagree. I think dealing with cross-cultural marriage issues is very pertinent to our journeys, and something we all share in common (for those of us who have spouses or fiances from abroad). There are unique facets to our relationships that we share that the general US public doesn't necessarily understand, being married to another American or someone from their own culture. Yes, there are other marriage/relationship forums on the web (even some that I participate in), but most of those couples don't understand issues relating to international marriages, dealing with not seeing your spouse for 10-12 months as the person is out of the country (unless they have a military spouse), having conflict with a spouse because you grew up in totally different cultures and have different cultural expectations of spousal roles. These are topics that I can share HERE on this site and get advice from others who can relate to my experiences, that I can't get in other forums. So I think Visa Journey is also a place for us to discuss these sorts of topics. For me, this site is not soley about my visa application process (although that was the primary reason I joined). I like the community aspect of being able to discuss issues with others who are going through similar experiences as myself.

I'm going to reply to your post #60 (link to post above).
I've been thinking about this today and especially your last statement. You don't know what to think. On the one hand you don't want to risk losing him if he's NOT lying, and on the other you're worried he IS lying and what sort of trouble that will cause. So I thought I might tell you worst case scenario. If you're okay with "worst case" then maybe you want to take the risk. If you're not okay with "worst case" then.. well... you have a decision to make.
So here goes. WORST case scenarios (outside of the truly awful stuff) if he is using you:
1. He comes to the US and he leaves you - you get a divorce and move on. You can't get him deported (well actually ICE deports him but you know what I mean) unless you have proof of it all being fake;
2. He takes over your apartment, is abusive to you and has his parents stay and won't leave - you can leave and yes lease wise this will suck but at least you CAN get out;
3. He spends all your money - no access to accounts or limited access stops that possibility;
4. He refuses to help out with bills - either you get divorced or you live with it. You can't force him to do it;
5. He spends almost all his money back to his home country and leaves you will all YOUR bills and his - same as above;
6. He uses public benefits and you are forced to pay back the government - you can't do anything to stop this;
7. He accuses you of abuse (thinking he needs to to get his 10 year GC), you get arrested and everything goes in the crapper - nothing you can really do here either
It could be that once he's here he realises it's not at cheap as he thinks, gets his rear in gear and everything works out. You won't know unless you take the chance BUT it's a pretty huge chance to take. I know personally if there was ANY doubt I wouldn't do it because I've read worse than the above examples.
In response to the points in your post:
1a. The Indian economy MIGHT be growing but his earning potential here is still a LOT higher. Even if he isn't working for several months when he DOES work his income will most likely make up the "loss" of not working in his home country. The US might be a "sinking ship" at the moment but it could bounce back. He gets US citizenship he returns to India or stays in the US. A lot of people value US citizenship highly. He might need to go back to school but schooling here should carry to India so he might just study, use student loans and then return to India.. I have no idea. If you asked me what evidence I had of not marrying Tony for the GC (and some people have) my answer was "Australia is just better. Better in a lot of ways that really matter. The US has it's pros and Australia has it's cons but my scale is still weighted to Australia being better". It's balancing out a little now but especially in the beginning it was totally all about Tony and he never doubted that.
1b. Maybe. Maybe he was talked into it and his family had plans about your money. Maybe it's not about money and instead about opportunity in the US.
2. This is possible. Sometimes friends words really hurt. But it could also be the reason he was so upset was because his friend said what he was thinking. We also don't know what happened with the dowry situation. You probably remember what he said but might have put your emotional spin on it.
3. Didn't he basically expect you were sending him $2K? Then say well $1K would be enough and now he's saying $470? This just doesn't make any sense. He REALLY wants a car and he expects you to help him pay for it. This is quite clear. He can't accept your "gift" of not having to worry about the visa fee (which he probably would miraculously not have the money for when the time comes) and instead makes demands on how he spends the money you specifically earmarked for the visa fee... didn't he say that you can't tell him where to spend money you give him? Sounds like he's decided the immigration process isn't as important as a car and that you'll just have the money later anyway
4. This amount has changed again. Didn't he say 50% or something? Either way he's right, he's allowed to spend his money however he wants... you would just hope that it's out of whatever leftover money you guys have after bills and not a specific amount or specific time. Just "when you can". If you can't you shouldn't put yourself into debt to do so. His family has been living before you came along and will continue to do so.
5. Changed his tune on this one too. But he's right, his family not going hungry is important but again, they survived before they had an insane amount of money and will continue to do so, he isn't the centre of their world and he shouldn't want to be. Why can't he send the same amount that he spent when he was living there? Why can't his brother pick up the slack enough that that amount lessens so he can focus on you and his family in the US? Why can't then "extra" money be a present, a gift, rather than something his family relies on? He's right that the economy here isn't the best so what if he loses his job and his family is used to spending the amounts he sends and is unable to do without it? He needs them to be able to survive without him... that is the kindest thing he can do. Make them able to survive without him and yet enjoy the occasional perks of gifts he sends, rather than relying on it. God forbid he passes on before they're able to survive without him... THAT would be bad. Whether he realises it or not he is making it about him, rather than his family. He's focused on how good sending money home will make him look. How much better HE can make their life. How grateful they will be to HIM. How they rely on him and can't live without him. If he cared about them he would prepare them for life without him and send them gifts on occasion. They'd love that.
6. His family doesn't NEED to earn much to survive. Some money is better than no money. This is also covered in my response to #5.
7. I see his point. You're allowed to be spoiled by your family who earn more money than you, yet he can't spoil his family who he earns more money than. But what he doesn't seem to grasp is these "gifts" most likely didn't come at the cost of family expenses. Didn't come at the cost of them paying back debts and paying their bills. He is expecting to send money that you've explained just won't be available right away. Yes he'll be earning money but it needs to pay the bills that him being around will increase. Of course once you're stable gifts are going to be more readily able to be sent but he needs to realise that. He doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't understand that by sending his family money he is hurting his family HERE in the US... or he just doesn't care.
I hope some of that helps you think. I'm sorry you're in this position. It will work out in the end, maybe not how you wanted or expected but you will be happy eventually.

Rlogan - I completely agree that you can't hide behind bad historical practices but some people can't get up to speed all at once...and I think there are aspects to him that she sincerely and truly loves. I think she even admitted to looking for a partner based on being Indian or of Indian descent...
But, there's a sort of trick to melding two very different cultures - will it sink in that he will loose her if he keeps his comfortable traditions??? Hopefully that will be the proverbial kick in the pants. But, he may play that right back at her too - the whole "well you knew how I was raised and now you want me to change everything or I loose you".
I spent close to a year in India with my husband - it strikes me from the outside as what I would have thought the US would have been like in the 1960s-1970s for women. That's just based on the struggles in the US from a historical perspective not having lived through them myself. Women are shifting from a wife/mother/care giver stance to an independent working woman and trying to balance their world. I don't think that men have an issue with it per say but more of a "holy #######, where does that leave me cause I know how my mom and dad are and this is totally not how they are!!!!"
In no way am I giving the OP's husband a pass on acting the way he is...but...I think there needs to be an outline drawn of when and how the transition into a healthy relationship both parties will enjoy will happen. A clean slate with agreements hashed out perhaps??? And, I don't discount backsliding on his part because this is the life he has lived forever.
I think she'll need to fall into more of the "putting her foot down" side of the fence. If he balks or sets off on some sort of momma-drama bender from it - it may be time to cut bait, as they say. But, I have a feeling this is more of a maturity issue on his part. Even, pre-emptive culture shock on his part...it may be totally workable, maybe not. OP is [obviously] closest to the situation and will need to hash it out on her own.
I completely get how from our outside perspective it looks insane and bizarre. [Complete side story, when living in one of the "nicer" Delhi neighborhoods, the local weekly ad-rag paper had the class schedule for not 1 but 2 "ladies schools" where wives could go to learn foreign cooking, flower arranging, and an 8 week course for new wives on hygiene and basic appearance up keep - I sooooooooo wanted to go but being a WASP from the greater NYC area my husband talked me out of it since the other ladies may get gossipy in Hindi and I wouldn't know all the juicy bits they were saying about me - if only Rosetta Stone had gossipy women talk as a chapter].
Her whole saga made me chuckle since this stuff is really and truly not unique in Desi culture. Her husband is old-school, but not head-hunter old school. Here's hoping he grows and matures in the man she deserves [and the man an awful lot of Indian guys end up being even if they do start out a little rough around the edges].

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

RKK, I have been reading your posts for a while now but I never really felt the need to reply because you are already getting wonderful advice from everyone else here. As a 3rd person, who has heard only your side of the story, here are the Red Flags I have observed so far:
1) You felt like he pushed you towards a commitment too fast and you felt uneasy about that. For crying out loud, he had to ask you 30 times before you said yes!!!! As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuitions. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, don't try to explain it away. You have no regrets now, but remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase. Of course everything is hunky dory when you go to visit him because you guys are going to be on your best behavior because it is another mini-honeymoon. And I strongly believe that this is not cultural. My Indian parents dated for 11 years before they got married, and this was back in the 70's. I know several Indian people who dated for many many years or had extended engagements and did not rush into marriage just because their parents approved and the stars aligned the right way.
2) You feel like he is too clingy and that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, listen to your gut.
3)He holds grudges. This means that your fights never get resolved. It just gets buried till the next big fight for it to rear it's ugly head. Big no no.
4) He feels like he is being enslaved. This is a very dangerous feeling because whether his feelings are justified or not, he will eventually try to break free from his "enslavement". His feelings might not seem logical to you, but those are his feelings and they are quite real to him.
5) "But he loves me and treats me better than anyone else has in the past!" As a previous poster mentioned, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. The person who coined the phrase "love conquers all" needs to have their head examined.
6) He uses guilt to get his way with you. This is extremely manipulative, and normal people do not do things like that.
7) He has no qualms about changing the rules of the game whenever it suits him. This is called Bait & Switch, and I don't see how you can trust a person like that. Keep in mind, people change and grow as they become older & wiser. But it is a serious red flag where he will tell you one thing and change his mind a few days/months later when he decides that it is not in HIS (not yours & not both of you as a couple, but only his) best interests. I remember you commenting in your previous thread about his parents visiting that he agreed to you at first knowing that he can get you to change your mind after the wedding. Again, this is super manipulative.
8) He gets depressed & cries when his friends remind him that he got no dowry from your family. Seriously.. yuck. Read between the lines, he is marrying up and makes no balls about it. On top of that, he gets sad that he is not getting more out of this marriage?
9) Entitlement issues. I dont understand this.. You owe his family a car because your dad bought you one, and now he needs to get his family one to help them to keep up with the Jones? I honestly can't believe a grown adult man would say something like this to his wife. You owe him NOTHING. Even if he had to sell his left kidney to be with you, it does not entitle him to send you into more debt. As someone who has been paying student loans for 3 years now and still have not made a dent, I can tell you that you will end up resenting him for this later on. Trust me RKK, my loans are not nearly as bad as yours but it is extremely frustrating to see the balance inching down at a snail's pace.
10) ME ME ME ME ME: This whole saga seems like how it is always about his ego & his need to help his family rather than your needs or even his parents needs (unless they are secretly demanding he does all this behind your back).
These are just a couple of points I see aside from the most obvious things that everyone else has mentioned. Only you can decide how much you will put up. His family & friends might tell you how lucky you are to marry him, but remember only you get to see a side of him that nobody else does. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run.
Edited for Grammar.

Well, first of all, he knew I was a med student when he met me. I've always been upfront about the loans. Secondly, we have talked about his desire to go to law school (he already studied law in India but unfortunately is forced to repeat it again here since the degrees don't transfer). So if the time comes for him to go back to law school (after I start working and making enough money as a doctor) then I will also see his loans as our family expenses. Thus as I see it, I don't see why he should resent my loans, when I'd also be willing to take on his loans as well. Furthermore, while marrying me has its burdens (moving away from his family, dealing with loans etc), he also has the opportunity to make (long-term) for more money than he might have made living in India. In the short-term we'd be financially strapped, but long-term there would be a whole lot more chance for high paying jobs here (though this may change in the future, as India's economy is growing way faster than that of the US).

Well, first of all, he knew I was a med student when he met me. I've always been upfront about the loans. Secondly, we have talked about his desire to go to law school (he already studied law in India but unfortunately is forced to repeat it again here since the degrees don't transfer). So if the time comes for him to go back to law school (after I start working and making enough money as a doctor) then I will also see his loans as our family expenses. Thus as I see it, I don't see why he should resent my loans, when I'd also be willing to take on his loans as well. Furthermore, while marrying me has its burdens (moving away from his family, dealing with loans etc), he also has the opportunity to make (long-term) for more money than he might have made living in India. In the short-term we'd be financially strapped, but long-term there would be a whole lot more chance for high paying jobs here (though this may change in the future, as India's economy is growing way faster than that of the US).

Yeah but when you're earning in different currencies and there's 2 households to pay for it's a bit harder... once they're together it'll feel more normal and more like "our money". The two separate households is a big thing. Any money you spend on each other eats away at money you've got to spend on keeping up your household (and as the OP is a student that tends to be a bit harder to make ends meet).

We used Form 2555, not Form 2555 EZ, so take my response accordingly.
- I didn't put anything for my wife's SSN on the form (since she didn't have one)
- If question 1b (2555-EZ) asks the same thing that question 10 (2555) asks - "when residence began" - I put my wife's birthday for the start date and end date "Continue"
Can't answer for question 2b or 11a, different on Form 2555.
Form W-7 asks you to file it with YOUR tax return - the USC. If your spouse doesn't have a US visa - there you go.
I haven't seen a template for the letter, but what I wrote was as follows:
I received my wife's ITIN about 3 weeks later and my refund 2 weeks after that. Pretty easy.
Good luck to you

Life is short and tough,you've gotta be strong enough to live. Living somewhere far from the "home" you've always known,is too difficult .The adjustment process is very scary,but deciding to be with someone forever,everyone tried to fight anything to survive. My husband and I were in a relationship for 3 years;between those years I convince him constantly to live with me in my country after we are married. It is because I can't see myself far from home, but I was asking for the most impossible thing at that time; because he knew if live here in the state we can build a family of our own and provide them a better life and security. It doesn't make any sense to me that time, I did one thing horrible to break our relationship,because I thought if he loves me he is willing to live in my country. He did everything to win me and fought the heartache. That is when I realize "this guy" really loves me,and I am so selfish for trying to get my way. So I decided to live here with him and build a life,ups and downs in a relationships especially the first year, but he is always here who tried to keep me sane. Now we are stuck each other, and I can't last a day without him!. Just be more patient,if you both love each other everything will be fine. Communication is the key.

I felt homesick when I left Korea to go back to America after living in Korea for over 4 years... and I'm 100% AMERICAN. I instantly missed the food, the music, culture, and etc. It took me a while to adjust back to the States again. So I can only imagine a non American coming to the US on a visa. Homesickness is for REAL.

Sorry you're going through this.
A few thoughts. I don't believe someone can really "know what they are getting into" when they move somewhere, no mater how much they have visited. When you visit, you get an idea of the people, the food, but you know the stay is temporary, so you have some armor. Once you move there for good, it's much more scary. There is a whole world that opens up that a visitor never sees. You might not know how to get a job (different things employers look for), or how to pay the bills, or how to drive, or how to socialize, negotiate, when/how to call the cops in an emergency. I could go on and on - these little things add up to a feeling of helplessness. It's very normal to be homesick, and it's critical for YOU to be patient and understanding. If my husband expresses homesickness, I try to say "I know" and acknowledge his feelings and tell him how grateful I am that he moved here for me. I let him have his feelings. Even if you don't personally understand it, you should be kind and patient. Remember, he moved his whole world for you.
It's very harmful to hold his immigration status over his head and tell him if the relationship ends he has to go home. You should treat him as an equal, and leave the immigration out of it when fighting. I would be livid if someone told me "if it ends you have to go home." You don't dictate where he lives. Especially if he is a GreenCard holder, he is allowed to stay here.
It's hard to take the excitement of anticipation and turn it into an authentic, in-person relationship.
It seems like he wants counseling - I think it's a good idea.

The first year of any marriage is always a tough one. The first year of a marriage where the couple has been focused on dealing with long distance and immigration issues can be even tougher as you no longer have that unifying focus and have to start developing the closer relationship based upon other issues. All relationships evolve - some bringing the couple closer together and some, unfortunately, moving them apart, whether they are from a long distance relationship or with the boy/girl next door.
Homesickness is a big issue. There is a finality about knowing you no longer have a home back 'home' and you are suddenly faced with a transition to a new life. Even if you have been in the US for a while as a visitor, there is still that unexpected sense of loss which creates a huge wave of homesickness. For some people it happens fairly early on; for others it may even take a year or two to sink in.
I honestly think the best thing the two of you can do at this stage is to find a marriage counselor with whom you can meet and discuss some of the issues that are coming between the two of you. You both need to find a way to discuss your differing expectations of each other, the relationship and even of ourselves in the relationship. A good marriage can be hard work - it doesn't just happen - and sometimes a knowledgeable marriage counselor is the best way to learn what works best for your unique relationship.
Good luck. While there are immigration implications with your situation, t think the real focus should be on the relationship itself, and not on immigration at this point of time..

You seem to not understand a very crucial point here.
In order to "get" your husband "here," he requires an IR/CR-1 SPOUSAL VISA stamped on his passport. This visa is not just "given out" by the American Embassy just because someone accidentally screwed up your application and your NOA2.
Do not think this is a good thing, because it's not. This is a grievous error that can delay your application by months or more. Because your husband is not in the US, and he obviously cannot magically appear here, because he needs a Visa. The only way he can get a Visa is if your case is forwarded to the NVC. But, due to USCIS' error, they will not forward your application to NVC. As it stands today, your husband will never be able to get a Visa, unless you correct this problem.
Call USCIS, escalate the issue, ask to speak with a senior officer and explain your condition in detail. Request that they immediately fix their paperwork and forward your application to the NVC.
Good luck.

I previously said I was happily married in prior threads. But I have readily admitted that right now my marriage is in trouble, as my husband has gone through a family crisis this last one month which has torn the mask right off our marriage and allowed me to see him on a whole new level. He has also gotten to see me in a different way as well. And we realize that we truly do have different values that are not so easy to brush off.
Right now I'm going through a rollercoaster, as a lot of things are happening between us.
Although I never mentioned the 'divorce' word to my husband (i.e the possibility of us divorcing), I did indirectly ask him about what he thinks of divorce last night, and came to know that he is very firmly against it. I don't think he wants to even consider a divorce from me, but he is deeply disappointment in the fact that I have different values than he does. I have tried to explain to him that our differing values are neither good nor bad, just different... I think understanding our differences (without judgment) is important for cross-cultural marriages to thrive. But sadly, he sees my values as being inferior, selfish etc. He is still adamant about his parents living with us for 6 months, when he moves here, as he feels it would only be fair to him since he's moving away from his old life.
Yes, my marriage is in trouble. I am not yet asking for a divorce, but I want to know my OPTIONS. As for Rok's advice about how I should become 'mature' and 'responsible'... well, I agree. I should. I have a lot to learn about marriages, as this is my first one and I've only been married for just over 2 months now. While I agree with you that I need to grow up, at the same time I would say that it is nice when people are a bit compassionate. Marriage truly is hard work, and we haven't even lived together yet. The communication issues itself have presented a huge challenge, as well as trying to negotiate different values. It breaks my heart when he looks down on me for having different values,... which are NOT inferior to his, but merely different. I am genuinely struggling right now. I'm on another forum asking relationship and communication advice, as it is more suited there. I'm on Visa Journey asking questions about legal implications of divorcing because VJ is a more procedural oriented site. Maybe the fact that it is harder to get a divorce will ultimately be a good thing for us, as it makes it harder to simply walk away when the journey gets tough. We can't just walk away like we could in other relationships. Conversely, I simply wanted to know my options before I tangled myself up in ways that would be harder to undo... but I am realizing now that I ultimately already did that when I decided to get married.

No-one really understand depression (REAL depression and not just a "bad day") unless they've been there. It's not as easy as just "taking up a hobby". While you might not actually FEEL sad the majority of the time, you do feel.. "flat" and things that used to bring you joy don't any more, and you're not necessarily bored but you are just "going through the motions". It's hard to find the energy to go out and do things because you've got yourself in a slump and it takes help and the will to go on in order to get out.
My first advice is to see your doctor again. The kind of medication you're taking isn't "one size fits all". You may require a different dose, a different kind, a different combination... it's an ongoing process. If you don't get the kind of help you need at your doctor you need to find another one. Perhaps a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist or counsellor would be someone to talk to, but it won't solve the issue with your relationship. The first part of your post sounded like I could have written it. My husband was working 12 hour days, coming home and playing WoW in the other room whilst sitting on Vent talking to people while I sat in the living room in a different time zone to my family and friends, watching TV and surfing the internet. The difference between your husband and mine appears to be that your husband has a SERIOUS addiction and mine just needed a routine change. I think your husband needs help with his addiction but first he needs to admit he has a problem.
Again though that doesn't REALLY help your relationship though. I think you need couples counselling to talk about your issues. One of the biggest issues I see is that he makes you feel like you're not important enough.
You said you gave up everything at home. What about your family and friends? Have you filed for AOS yet? Do you have access to a car? Do you have a drivers licence from your home country? If your relationship didn't last (god forbid) would you want to stay in the US or return to your home country to "start again"? I found giving advice on here and chatting to family/friends on MSN helped me a LOT to feel a bit better. I got myself into a routine.
Mostly you need to tell your husband that you are NOT happy and that he is NOT helping matters. He could be thinking you're being too demanding and not realise his addiction is bad. So perhaps talk to him about a schedule. Talk to him about when he can be online and when you want to spend time with him maybe watching movies at home etc. The problem is he might resent being bored when he could be playing a game and NOT be being bored. You need to explain to him what your days feel like and how being "bored" with you once is nothing compared to you being bored and lonely DAILY. If he's not willing to work with you though you need to consider going back to your home country, or staying in the US and moving on without him.
If you need someone to talk to please feel free to send me a PM. I know what being a "video game widow" feels like. Also remember though you might feel that way right now, you are NOT alone. Things WILL get better. **hugs**

Ok, I'll be the bad guy here. From another perspective - mine - you were talking advantage of a young, naive and, I am guessing, very poor girl. Because you obviously weren't into it for her mind or soul, were you? I am guessing she is hot and young and that sealed the deal for you. I am sorry, but I am not really blaming her for wanting a way out of poverty ans someone younger and unattached to go to bed with.

Wow I can't believe you actually wrote that Racist statement. What I hear in both these statements is there are men who was selling citezenship to marry them. Lets look at this in the case if the OP's wife was from the US. And imigration was off the Table all together. He married a younger women (what do we call them in the States) Thats right a sugar daddy. Now the sugar daddy has no sugar and has his woman supporting him (What do we call that in the states) Thats Right a Pimp. So instead of beating his girl he threatens to send her back to her home country (what do we call that) That's right extortion. The OP himself has not posted a coment on this in a while since questions of his status came into play. For the Comment about a Thai women or a Phillipina is raceist and sterio typical. I am Retired Military and I have known long lasting and short lived relationships from both countries as well as the US. But what is a constent in a great deal of the bad ones is that there are two people and they both have a story.

I wouldn't be real happy if I was asked to sign a pre-nup and then had to go out and sling drinks to support you.

Based on the fact that she has been hit on? Would you deport your own wife if someone better looking than you made a pass at her? You are aware that this is marriage, not sexual slavery.

Bill, it sounds like you're the problem.
As a bartender, she will speak with customers, and they will hit on her. This is what life is like for every female bartender. You have to trust your wife to say no. If she didn't tell you about being hit on, perhaps you should be more suspicious. If she was a bartender in Thailand, and she did more than flirt with customers, you knew precisely what you were getting into.
If she were using you, she'd stay quiet until her status was solid, then leave you the day after she didn't need you. Instead, she's complaining loudly about the lifestyle and you. This would indicate that she did come with honorable intentions. She's also paying for you. Why would she do it if she didn't like you? She doesn't want to be here except for you.
Looking at it from her side, she's in a land she dislikes, paying for a jealous, deadbeat husband who's plotting to deport her.
You are the issue. You married a wife. You didn't buy an indentured servant. Educate yourself, get a job, and be worthy of your wife. All you have are jealous suspicions that would drive any woman into the arms of another.

Being an Indian born and raised in India and now an US citizen, I completely understand your situation and feelings. My situation is different. I currently live with my parents here in US. My husband who is in India has been living alone for many years since his mom passed away and his dad lives in different city. Once he comes here, we will have to live with my parents until he gets a job. I already told him and he agreed. I am sure he will have some difficulties living with my parents because there will not be much privacy. However, when I chat with my husband now via Skype or talk on the phone, my parents leave me alone and do not even come to my room.
I would suggest you to tell your husband how you feel. Try not to hurt his feelings or get him upset. Explain the situation here in US like one bedroom apartment, etc. It is very difficult for him to leave his parents and come here but he has to understand the lifestyle here. Also having his parents while chatting with you is not good. He has to close his room when he chats with you. Even though your in-laws are nice people, issues will come once they start living with you. Hope your husband agrees to your decision. Good luck!

You are perfectly right!!!! 6 months, I don't think so. I've just explained your situation to my husband and he laughed at the idea of my mum or his parents being with us for 6 months, it would not happen. We love our families dearly, but a week or 2 (maybe 3 with my mum as she's in England) is more than enough.
With what I've seen of Asian culture I too would be concerned about the mother taking over the house, you being a slave and the husband not standing up to his parents and I would not roll with me.
See how everything goes, but I would talk to him soon (when the times feels right) just so that he's aware of what you're feeling, and if he can't compromise and see that he's being unreasonable then explain how you feel - you're his wife!!

You can divorce in the US and be legally able to marry in the US.
Usually divorce is valid everywhere but some countries have other requirements. For example the Philippines.
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