We Keep Receipts

I have to disagree, abuse is never that cut and dry, if it was more people would remove themselves from it sooner. We all preach about getting help and it sounds good on paper, but nobody knows what that person is going through. Maybe they can't due to fear of harm or even death for them or their loved ones. There are so many variables I can't even name them all. But you two seem to have it all figured out.
My mother stayed with my father when he was abusing her, when I was old enough I stood up to him and it was enough to stop him. My mother finally gathered the strength to leave him and get help. It was a dark time for her, and I am glad she got out before he took her life or my own. Now her reasons are her own as to why she stayed for as long as she did and I've made peace with it as she has. My father has gotten help, so I've made peace with him. It's because of what he did and what I went through that makes me the man I am now. And no matter how many times I deal with people who are in abusive relationship, I never belittle them.
By both of your accounts, my mother and the countless women that are caught in these nightmares are weak and stupid. No one has the right to judge, and I will never tell someone in that situation that's what they are. Compassion is a blessing.

I have to disagree, abuse is never that cut and dry, if it was more people would remove themselves from it sooner. We all preach about getting help and it sounds good on paper, but nobody knows what that person is going through. Maybe they can't due to fear of harm or even death for them or their loved ones. There are so many variables I can't even name them all. But you two seem to have it all figured out.
My mother stayed with my father when he was abusing her, when I was old enough I stood up to him and it was enough to stop him. My mother finally gathered the strength to leave him and get help. It was a dark time for her, and I am glad she got out before he took her life or my own. Now her reasons are her own as to why she stayed for as long as she did and I've made peace with it as she has. My father has gotten help, so I've made peace with him. It's because of what he did and what I went through that makes me the man I am now. And no matter how many times I deal with people who are in abusive relationship, I never belittle them.
By both of your accounts, my mother and the countless women that are caught in these nightmares are weak and stupid. No one has the right to judge, and I will never tell someone in that situation that's what they are. Compassion is a blessing.

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

You are obviously your mothers daughter.

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

Blaming the abused person and calling them weak and stupid, these are things an abuser would do to an abused person....

Hello VJ,
So in reading another thread about someone having issues in their relationship, I have decided to share some widsom I have gleamed over the years. If you have anything to contribute please feel free.
1. Abuse- This is a blanket term. Few people don't know they're in a abusive relationship so I will give some examples. Any unwanted physical contact should be met with the termination of the relationship immediately. No excuses. If your SO is putting you down(calling you names, i.e B****, w**** to name a few, talking about you in their native tongue so you can't understand them) making it so the only person's opinion that counts is theirs, you might want to reconsider being with this person for the rest of your life. Here I see so many stories about these things, it makes me wonder how many warning signs were there before they took that trip down the aisle.
2. Lying/Cheating- This one is really up to the person involved in the situation. Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", others believe in second chances. Each encounter is different and it's up to you to make that choice. But with all the STD's out there, pregancies and drama that comes with this subject, I'd walk away before things get worse, because they will.
3. Respect- No brainer, if this isn't in your relationship, you shouldn't be either.
4. Counseling- Just to clear things up, this is to enrich, repair or help communications between people. If your SO has no concept of the basics(the above mentioned things) counseling isn't for you. Meaning if you are in a marriage and cheating and lying have been there since the beginning, it would help for you to get counseling to get AWAY frorm that person, not stay in a relationship.
There are some many other things I can say about this but I'll leave it at this, your SO is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst.

Hello VJ,
So in reading another thread about someone having issues in their relationship, I have decided to share some widsom I have gleamed over the years. If you have anything to contribute please feel free.
1. Abuse- This is a blanket term. Few people don't know they're in a abusive relationship so I will give some examples. Any unwanted physical contact should be met with the termination of the relationship immediately. No excuses. If your SO is putting you down(calling you names, i.e B****, w**** to name a few, talking about you in their native tongue so you can't understand them) making it so the only person's opinion that counts is theirs, you might want to reconsider being with this person for the rest of your life. Here I see so many stories about these things, it makes me wonder how many warning signs were there before they took that trip down the aisle.
2. Lying/Cheating- This one is really up to the person involved in the situation. Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", others believe in second chances. Each encounter is different and it's up to you to make that choice. But with all the STD's out there, pregancies and drama that comes with this subject, I'd walk away before things get worse, because they will.
3. Respect- No brainer, if this isn't in your relationship, you shouldn't be either.
4. Counseling- Just to clear things up, this is to enrich, repair or help communications between people. If your SO has no concept of the basics(the above mentioned things) counseling isn't for you. Meaning if you are in a marriage and cheating and lying have been there since the beginning, it would help for you to get counseling to get AWAY frorm that person, not stay in a relationship.
There are some many other things I can say about this but I'll leave it at this, your SO is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst.

Saylin, I think you are smart woman and your heart is in the right place, but the above bolded statement bothers me a lot.
How can you begin to repair your marriage when the very thing that is corroding it from the inside out is STILL in your marriage? This isn't up for negotiation, you are his WIFE, full stop. The "Friend" should have been gone the split second you two decided to work it out. You need to ask him about this and see what his answer is, if she is, I'd leave in a heartbeat, that is so disrespectful I can't even begin to put it into words.
A year is way too long for a reevaluation of a marriage when you are already living together. I hope you didn't tell him this, as this gives him a time frame to just do the basics for 11 months and then turn it up at the very end of it so you stay. Rlogan has a point, he got caught cheating on you and he is saying he wants to work things out. He should be doing everything x100 to assure you that you are his love. I'll talk WOW speak(retired:), his DPS needs to come up in order for this to work, this other woman is pulling AGRO from you...

Hello VJ,
So in reading another thread about someone having issues in their relationship, I have decided to share some widsom I have gleamed over the years. If you have anything to contribute please feel free.
1. Abuse- This is a blanket term. Few people don't know they're in a abusive relationship so I will give some examples. Any unwanted physical contact should be met with the termination of the relationship immediately. No excuses. If your SO is putting you down(calling you names, i.e B****, w**** to name a few, talking about you in their native tongue so you can't understand them) making it so the only person's opinion that counts is theirs, you might want to reconsider being with this person for the rest of your life. Here I see so many stories about these things, it makes me wonder how many warning signs were there before they took that trip down the aisle.
2. Lying/Cheating- This one is really up to the person involved in the situation. Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", others believe in second chances. Each encounter is different and it's up to you to make that choice. But with all the STD's out there, pregancies and drama that comes with this subject, I'd walk away before things get worse, because they will.
3. Respect- No brainer, if this isn't in your relationship, you shouldn't be either.
4. Counseling- Just to clear things up, this is to enrich, repair or help communications between people. If your SO has no concept of the basics(the above mentioned things) counseling isn't for you. Meaning if you are in a marriage and cheating and lying have been there since the beginning, it would help for you to get counseling to get AWAY frorm that person, not stay in a relationship.
There are some many other things I can say about this but I'll leave it at this, your SO is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst.

In regards to second chances, you should deserve it or earn it. To figure that out, you need to look at the whole picture. I'll add some questions/answers below, only you will know what's true or not:
1. Falling out of love: When December came around or anytime before that, did your husband try and talk to you about his feelings? Most times people will either say things or try to hint that there is a problem, that way it can be solved or fixed. If he tried to tell you that he wasn't happy or something changed and you blew him off, then this occurence is more commonplace than not. I don't believe that is the case since there was no mention of any indication beforehand. This is something you would know. In a marriage you have to TALK to your spouse so these issues can be prevented. He would deserve a second chance if he tried to salvage his feelings by alerting you to the problem and trying to fix it early on, but you weren't given that chance that we know of.
2. The Friend: I agree with Rlogan that this woman has been in the picture longer than you have. And that brings me to my next question, when did he start deleting his text/emails? Either way it sucks but TBH you need to know exactly what you are dealing with before you keep going. If you can remember when he started doing that, you will have a timeline of when things got personal between the two of them. Worse case scenario, he's been doing it the whole time you've been here and that means he's been into this woman even before he married you. And that to me is unforgivable. Not to mention they have been talking about what happens if/when you and him part ways, this right here would be my walking papers. Second chance would come into play IF this woman was someone he just met and somehow they just clicked due to the first instance of Saylin not being the wife she should be, but evidence says she has been here for a while so that's out.
3. Intimacy: It's been a year since he told you he loved you? At that point I would be packing my bags and headed back across the border. I can't go 2 days without letting my wife know how I feel, you don't slack on that EVER. I'm amazed you've lasted this long, it's not healthy.
In summary, it's up to you whether you want to keep this going or throw in the towel, based on what I have read, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. The situation shows that he is interested in having a roomie with benefits, and you know that's not what you want. He only wanted to work on things when he saw how people blasted him on here, not because he loves you. Look at why he is doing things, not just what. It might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you where you SHOULD be.

In regards to second chances, you should deserve it or earn it. To figure that out, you need to look at the whole picture. I'll add some questions/answers below, only you will know what's true or not:
1. Falling out of love: When December came around or anytime before that, did your husband try and talk to you about his feelings? Most times people will either say things or try to hint that there is a problem, that way it can be solved or fixed. If he tried to tell you that he wasn't happy or something changed and you blew him off, then this occurence is more commonplace than not. I don't believe that is the case since there was no mention of any indication beforehand. This is something you would know. In a marriage you have to TALK to your spouse so these issues can be prevented. He would deserve a second chance if he tried to salvage his feelings by alerting you to the problem and trying to fix it early on, but you weren't given that chance that we know of.
2. The Friend: I agree with Rlogan that this woman has been in the picture longer than you have. And that brings me to my next question, when did he start deleting his text/emails? Either way it sucks but TBH you need to know exactly what you are dealing with before you keep going. If you can remember when he started doing that, you will have a timeline of when things got personal between the two of them. Worse case scenario, he's been doing it the whole time you've been here and that means he's been into this woman even before he married you. And that to me is unforgivable. Not to mention they have been talking about what happens if/when you and him part ways, this right here would be my walking papers. Second chance would come into play IF this woman was someone he just met and somehow they just clicked due to the first instance of Saylin not being the wife she should be, but evidence says she has been here for a while so that's out.
3. Intimacy: It's been a year since he told you he loved you? At that point I would be packing my bags and headed back across the border. I can't go 2 days without letting my wife know how I feel, you don't slack on that EVER. I'm amazed you've lasted this long, it's not healthy.
In summary, it's up to you whether you want to keep this going or throw in the towel, based on what I have read, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. The situation shows that he is interested in having a roomie with benefits, and you know that's not what you want. He only wanted to work on things when he saw how people blasted him on here, not because he loves you. Look at why he is doing things, not just what. It might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you where you SHOULD be.

Hello VJ,
So in reading another thread about someone having issues in their relationship, I have decided to share some widsom I have gleamed over the years. If you have anything to contribute please feel free.
1. Abuse- This is a blanket term. Few people don't know they're in a abusive relationship so I will give some examples. Any unwanted physical contact should be met with the termination of the relationship immediately. No excuses. If your SO is putting you down(calling you names, i.e B****, w**** to name a few, talking about you in their native tongue so you can't understand them) making it so the only person's opinion that counts is theirs, you might want to reconsider being with this person for the rest of your life. Here I see so many stories about these things, it makes me wonder how many warning signs were there before they took that trip down the aisle.
2. Lying/Cheating- This one is really up to the person involved in the situation. Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", others believe in second chances. Each encounter is different and it's up to you to make that choice. But with all the STD's out there, pregancies and drama that comes with this subject, I'd walk away before things get worse, because they will.
3. Respect- No brainer, if this isn't in your relationship, you shouldn't be either.
4. Counseling- Just to clear things up, this is to enrich, repair or help communications between people. If your SO has no concept of the basics(the above mentioned things) counseling isn't for you. Meaning if you are in a marriage and cheating and lying have been there since the beginning, it would help for you to get counseling to get AWAY frorm that person, not stay in a relationship.
There are some many other things I can say about this but I'll leave it at this, your SO is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst.

Well, you have valid reasons to be angry. Your husband isn't acting like one. I know in the course of trying to advise someone you can't get upset when someone doesn't listen to your advice and does what they feel is right, we all have that choice in life, but I have to say I am vexxed as to why your main concern is that he only calls once a day. That should be the least of your concerns. All the things T-Bone mentioned, you don't have in your marriage at all and yet it appears that you are willing to continue this "situation" until frutition. I call it that because it doens't even resemble a relationship in the slightest way. You also said the bad outweighs the good, so what's the point? Another good question is if he has no commitment to you over there, why do you think it will change once he gets here? He might not be the worst out there but he's pretty bad IMO.
No marriage is perfect and there will always be bumps on the road to deal with, you have potholes the size of the Grand Canyon and you are still trying to drive through them. Everything that makes a marriage the sacred union between two people is absent from yours, and you can't rebuild something that wasn't there in the first place. But you will have to make your own decisions, I just pray you make the right one.

Hello VJ,
So in reading another thread about someone having issues in their relationship, I have decided to share some widsom I have gleamed over the years. If you have anything to contribute please feel free.
1. Abuse- This is a blanket term. Few people don't know they're in a abusive relationship so I will give some examples. Any unwanted physical contact should be met with the termination of the relationship immediately. No excuses. If your SO is putting you down(calling you names, i.e B****, w**** to name a few, talking about you in their native tongue so you can't understand them) making it so the only person's opinion that counts is theirs, you might want to reconsider being with this person for the rest of your life. Here I see so many stories about these things, it makes me wonder how many warning signs were there before they took that trip down the aisle.
2. Lying/Cheating- This one is really up to the person involved in the situation. Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", others believe in second chances. Each encounter is different and it's up to you to make that choice. But with all the STD's out there, pregancies and drama that comes with this subject, I'd walk away before things get worse, because they will.
3. Respect- No brainer, if this isn't in your relationship, you shouldn't be either.
4. Counseling- Just to clear things up, this is to enrich, repair or help communications between people. If your SO has no concept of the basics(the above mentioned things) counseling isn't for you. Meaning if you are in a marriage and cheating and lying have been there since the beginning, it would help for you to get counseling to get AWAY frorm that person, not stay in a relationship.
There are some many other things I can say about this but I'll leave it at this, your SO is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst.

Well, you have valid reasons to be angry. Your husband isn't acting like one. I know in the course of trying to advise someone you can't get upset when someone doesn't listen to your advice and does what they feel is right, we all have that choice in life, but I have to say I am vexxed as to why your main concern is that he only calls once a day. That should be the least of your concerns. All the things T-Bone mentioned, you don't have in your marriage at all and yet it appears that you are willing to continue this "situation" until frutition. I call it that because it doens't even resemble a relationship in the slightest way. You also said the bad outweighs the good, so what's the point? Another good question is if he has no commitment to you over there, why do you think it will change once he gets here? He might not be the worst out there but he's pretty bad IMO.
No marriage is perfect and there will always be bumps on the road to deal with, you have potholes the size of the Grand Canyon and you are still trying to drive through them. Everything that makes a marriage the sacred union between two people is absent from yours, and you can't rebuild something that wasn't there in the first place. But you will have to make your own decisions, I just pray you make the right one.

You know, I have been sitting here trying to think of what to say about this, so I'll break this down into two points:
1. In all of your posts, you have called this dude so many bad names, I've lost count. ####### bag, selfish, stubbon, and basically a devil in the flesh. This is your husband, and yet you can't seem to find anything nice to say about him. You also know he doesn't love you, that right there would be enough for me to leave. No birhtday gifts, and you spend so much on him? You don't need advice, the answer is clear as the sky is blue. Divorce him so you can move on and find a man that respects you in every way.
2. Marriage vows are eternal and not conditional, just because he is away from you doesn't give him the right to treat you this way. Someone suggested using protection when you are with him, if it comes to that why are you married in the first place? It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but constant cheating and lying never belong in the equation. Counseling would only work if these were minor issues(not seeing eye to eye, different opinions) but this is beyond that in leaps and bounds.
I believe you know the answer to this dilemma, but you came here to hear ways to stay in this marriage. Don't, you're better than this...

Hello, here is my 02.:
I would surmise that he did this to give himself a feeling of owership. I believe there was a thread opened about this a couple weeks ago. He wants to make you feel like he owns you and you are indebted to him. This is not the case EVER. A marriage is 2 people becoming one, my wife came here and I spent a large amount of money of her for the visa and such, but she doesn't owe me anything, she is my wife, not a business transaction. A lot of times people do so much for their significant other so they can hold it over their heads later, this is not what love is about.
The only question you should be asking is what others have stated, do you divorce and stay or divorce and go home? Staying in this marriage has a 0% chance of surviving, the mere fact that he spent a week in your country and didn't even tell you speaks louder than anything we can tell you on here. Everything else he has done is just extra junk. Get out of this marriage yesterday...

Hello, here is my 02.:
I would surmise that he did this to give himself a feeling of owership. I believe there was a thread opened about this a couple weeks ago. He wants to make you feel like he owns you and you are indebted to him. This is not the case EVER. A marriage is 2 people becoming one, my wife came here and I spent a large amount of money of her for the visa and such, but she doesn't owe me anything, she is my wife, not a business transaction. A lot of times people do so much for their significant other so they can hold it over their heads later, this is not what love is about.
The only question you should be asking is what others have stated, do you divorce and stay or divorce and go home? Staying in this marriage has a 0% chance of surviving, the mere fact that he spent a week in your country and didn't even tell you speaks louder than anything we can tell you on here. Everything else he has done is just extra junk. Get out of this marriage yesterday...

I've read this entire thread, and two pages ago it became clear what the problem is:You married a macho and you expect to change or "reform" him. This is probably the most fruitless and (yes) dumb act that anyone could undertake.
Your subsequent actions, as described above, will serve to do nothing but emasculate him (further). Read how you write about him.
I have never been this judgmental here, but I'll say now: The two people in this marriage picked the wrong partners. The culture on the one side and the disrespect for it on the other (you figure out whose is whose) equal pure cruelty. If there's any mutual mercy remaining, you'll end this sham of a marriage, cleanly and rapidly.
And, please: For the sake of everyone, avoid repeating this mistake.

Two things about your story seemed especially odd to me.
1. Your ex husband is an abuser but you married another man from the same country and town as your ex? And they knew eachother before?
2. You tell your husband he can do whatever he wants... like you shrug and say "whatever" but you really want to say, "stay at home and hang out with me." Why say you don't care when you do care?
You don't owe me or anyone an explanation, but I thought pointing these out (well the second really, the first is already over) might be something to think about for the future.
I wish you the best.

Then why be friends with them? We have our male buddies to talk to and hang out with. The only time a guy would be hanging with a girl is the hope he can bang her and/or her hot friend. No other reason. Companionship: get a dog, confidant should only be your wife, a female perspective: mom, aunt, cousin and/or sister.
Watch the video I posted on the first page EVERY guy said no they can't be friends and would definitely bang the "friend." Every girl admitted that yes their guy friends would jump at the chance to hit that and knew that the guys were attracted to them. I believe it is the women who are disillusioned and living in an idealistic fantasy world. Having plenty of buddies, from being married(twice) and having sister's, we know that most women enjoy the attention of male friends; even though they know that the guy is only hanging with them and buying them things and taking them out, because the guy has an ulterior motive.
Most times once a guy puts the move on or expresses his feeling and the girl has absolutely 0 interest in him, the friendship either fades away or he will keep plugging along hoping she changes her mind. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss!