believe

This post has long been on my mind and my fiancee confirmed it this morning that I must write it. He is an amazingly patient man and he knows that I have spent the last year dissecting his life and family; I have a man who sees it as a compliment!
This post comes from a woman (US Citizen) and man (Nigerian) and my thoughts and opinions only. The feelings of love can cloud allot of decisions and in this process you must be very careful that you look for the right signs and you ask all the right questions from the very beginning. Allow me to be blunt with you and in hopes that you will use your intuition and also this post as a way to gauge your relationship.
1. Only you can gauge the relationship, it is very important that you do not ask for advise from neither Nigerians or Americans. They will never truly understand your situation and only cause chaotic friction of your mindset. Your intuition needs to be free from the opinions of others!
2. Your Nigerian partner must be totally committed to you. He must be willing to explain his culture, family, relationship views, religion, finances and his communication style.
Examples; a. Phone Calls - does he have multiple SIMS so he can take your call at all times?
b. Family - do you have a diary of all his immediate and non immediate family. Keeping a journal of family, birth dates, etc
c. Culture - food, music, family traditions
d. Relationship views - who is your partner in his family. Is he the oldest son? How is helping his family? What is expected of him?
e. Religion - this the most major part of the relationship in my opinion and you must speak of it and find similarities and a common ground.
f. Finances - this must be spoke of from the beginning and before you decide to do any proceeding of moving forward with the process. He must know your financial situation and understand your struggles and dreams. He also needs to know that you must co-join your income once he arrives in the US. Also, what is your budget and his family needs to know the timeline.
I chose to stay in Nigeria because of my own need to ensure my future. I sacrificed shutting down a major part of my business to do so. It was the best decision of my life. I knew my future husband was a great communicator and a prayerful man, but it wasn't until I was in his environment did I see everything I had kept good records about. I kept records of everything and I found that everything my love said to me was truthful. I would have never been able to do that if I had not asked questions and made my own stance known from inception.
1. I asked him of all of his family and friends, ages and all female women. I asked him his habits and all of his outside activities. I did it not to control him, but to be able to help me understand and respect him. I came from a point of love and a man who really loves you will always discuss things with you to help you understand him.
2. I gave him my financial budget and explained to him our financial situation and discussed the budget for his family. Since, he is a 1st born and he has brother and sisters that depend on him, I explained to him the strict budget. I also, because I was in Nigeria, I was able to see how he explained in detail the finances with me. I was able to watch him to give me his own run down of what was spent. I kept my eyes open and never reacted but asked questions when things didn't add up. It is important that you never lose your temper and that you keep your eyes open.
3. Merging of our children and/or families. I explained in great detail my perspective of my family and how it was important that I was not cut off from my family, but that I will always take his side first! (Respect is important)
4. Church - It is important that you consider finding an African church, this will be important to him. I have agreed and encouraged him that we would drive the 2 hours + to a Winners Chapel at least once a month if not more and we would find a multi-cultured church.
5. Cooking/Cleaning - we discussed roles in detail. This is very important because most African men do not help their wives. I was fortunate to not have to discuss this much.
Red Flags (I have heard stories and I can guarantee that you need to watch out if you see any of these signs)
1. Domestic violence - it is "normal" for many men to hit their wives in NIgeria. You must discuss with him and discuss his family upbringing. A true Man of God will never hit his wife
2. Phone Calls - it is not "normal" if you call him on the phone and his phone is out of service for major parts of the time. Our phones worked in many areas, it is important for you to ask him to buy other SIMS - there is GLO, Airtel and MTN - of these networks is going to work. Having all 3 phone numbers will keep you sane.
3. Friends - it is important you know who are his friends and that you know and are introduced to everyone. If he is not willing to introduce you or tries to keep you a secret. RED FLAG.
4. Money - if he doesn't speak to you about money and if you send him money and he can't and won't account in detail on his own what he has spent. RED FLAG.
5. Family - it is important you know who his family is and that they give you clear evidence of all family members, ask lots of questions and keep good notes. For example, if they bring up an Auntie Sola, then you must know who this Auntie is and ask if they are just a friend of the family called Auntie or if they are indeed a blood relative.
Nigeria is known for corruption and do not be fooled. I do not write this to worry you or to make you afraid. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT.. that you take your time, get to know them, spend a lot of FACE to FACE time. It will save you allot of heartache. I chose to stay in Nigeria throughout the process and not everyone can be as fortunate. Yet, you can spend alot of time getting to know them on the phone and the net. Go into this relationship with allot of prayer, it is easy to get caught up IN LOVE and not see the details. This is your future and being married to a Nigerian will require a lot from you. It is more than just falling in love, Actions go a long way with a Nigerian. Ideas: Watching YOUTUBE videos on how to cook his favorite meal will go a long way. BE willing to stand your ground without being disrespectful is an ART you must MASTER!
I have truly spent hours and hours fighting for what is right and true through actions and NOT WORDS. My mind is full of complete adoration for my future husband because I see things that others might notice. I have trained my eyes/ears to do the work, so when my heart followed, I was able to enjoy the journey and love! He has said on many occasions, that he has never been loved like this! I am praying for your journey and I have committed to this group, to help you and listen to you. I will however, never get involved in your relationship. Take your time and quit pushing...........if it takes 2 years, it is worth every moment!

You can submit an anonymous tip to the FBI here: https://tips.fbi.gov/

Call FBI if he's talking about bombs, ISIS and assault rifles.

This is up there with the #1 existing heartbreaking story on VJ in the past 9 years.
We still love you, Dear. Be strong, break the toxic ties, heal, and lean on us.

On the immigration front I don't think there is much you can do besides divorce and move on.
On a personal level, what you are feeling is normal for victims of abuse. I've been there, many of us have been there. He isn't going to change because he goes to classes and he isn't going to change if you change either. The way he has been talking to you is the first step in what will be a steep slope of abuse if you get back together. It is how abusers knock down the self esteem of victims so that they don't leave as it escalates.
It will escalate if you get back together, maybe just towards you, but also maybe towards your children. Don't get back together with this man. Divorce him and maybe get some counseling or join a group of other women who have also been abused to get some support.

1. No, Ghana doesn't usually allow the petitioner inside but being on the premises would be showing effort and support for the
relationship. In your case you have visited so much it wouldn't matter. I think at 8 months you should not travel there, too risky.
2. It could be the same CO or it could be someone else, doesn't matter.
3.The embassy has specific doctors to collect specimen and specific labs for DNA testing, you can find out what doc and labs
are on the list they use.
I would be a bit less generous with the money transfers and tell him you need the money for the baby now.
I think you both need a break to de stress and re group to be able to center your focus on your relationship
and let the process run its course.
You have done all you can, focus on your love and keeping your relationship strong and don't focus on the
immigration process so much. I hope you have a good support system with family and friends.
If he doesn't want to talk, don't chase him down with calls, leave him alone until he shows it's about your love and marriage, not
the green card.
Your first baby is due soon ~ enjoy this time and make the best of it.
I feel your pain but you can do this with or without him !

Please consult Ebunoluwa.

But wait, the confusion continues!
Jacksonville office rules....
Prohibited Items
Rules and regulations governing public buildings and grounds can be found at Title 41, Code of Federal Regulations, Subpart 101-20.3 and Title 18, United States Code, Section 930. Additionally, this office prohibits:
Scissors, Razors and Other Sharp ObjectsFlammable LiquidsScrewdriversPepper SprayRecording DevicesCamera (except for naturalization ceremonies)

Your check will be cashed, you will get a receipt notice with a case number (with which you can set up an online account to track your case), you will get an appointment letter for fingerprinting, you will undergo a background check, you will be placed in line for an interview, you'll get an interview date, you'll be interviewed, if approved, you'll get an oath ceremony date, you'll take an oath of citizenship, you'll get a naturalization certificate.

In defence of the OP, my 90 year old grandmother was asked a couple of years back when she was renewing her greencard by a USCIS worker why she didn't become a citizen. She's been living here since the 70s. Her answer was "young man, that's none of your business." ?

English is not the official language of the United States. That is a fact. No law requires residents or citizens to learn English. The law does require certain applicants for naturalization to pass an English test, but that does not apply to this woman. No law requires assimilation. This woman has done nothing wrong and is fully within her right to apply for naturalization regardless of her reason for doing so.
Many countries requires immigrants to learn an official language... the US is not one of these because it has no official language. Of course an immigrant should learn English. Of course they can contribute more to society if they do learn English. But US immigration policy recognizes that there is a benefit to exempting certain people from these requirements. This policy sees value in reuniting younger immigrants with elderly parents even if those parents aren't going to be able to assimilate or contribute to the economy directly.
This woman has probably been through things that the rest of us only see in nightmares... her very presence in this country is a symbol of the strength of people's desire for freedom and survival. Just by sitting at home and being with her family she probably does more for this country than I ever will.

I am sorry if my question has upset you so much but i dont appreciate the tone in your message. You dont have to be rude and ask why is she here if she cant speak English. Who are you to question?
You do not understand her situation and what shes gone through. I am pretty sure the world you and she have lived, are like the sky and the ground.I know how frustrating it is and how much of a struggle it is for a person born with no country as your own. Been tagged a REFUGEE wherever you go. Her life has been a struggle for years. They used to live in a village in India,close to a forest,where there is still no proper access to drinking water. People there go to nearby ponds to fetch water and carry water cans on their back for daily use. About electricity, the govt there supply electricity only for 5-6 hours daily and it depends on when they want to cut if off. They obviously pay the bills.There are times when you have no electricity for a week continuously. There are no proper health facilities there and access is limited. Many people have died because they couldn't reach the hospital on time, lot of people have died due to snake bites and killed by elephants too,when they come of the forest to look for food into the village, some of them could have been saved if they can reach the hospital on time. Since they are refugees there,their concerns are not a priority to the govt. Please note this doesn't mean that we are not thankful to the Indian govt for at least giving us a shelter to live.In a situation like this, my cousin could never think about leaving my Aunt back where she came from. We have tried it before, for someone who can only talk in 1 language and not know how to read and write in any languages at all, how difficult it would be for that person to learn at that age. You have no idea. how frustrating it is for her , we have seen it. She doesn't know the language but it doesn't mean that she doesn't know a thing about American history and politics. She understands it when you tell her as a story. But she is very bad in pronouncing English words, we dont get it so i doubt the non Tibetans would understand her, That is why we are looking for an interpreter so that she can at least give it a try.If that doesn't help then obviously we cant do much. Going by your message,it sounds like since she cant speak English it would be better for my cousin to send my Aunt back to where she came from. Even though her only child, is here,her son. But sorry in our culture, we don't give up on our parents when they are old and need to be looked after. edit to remove quoted content

Hello all, I just wanted to share my recent N600 application process here for anyone interested in doing it for themselves. I'm 24 and started thinking about becoming a us citizen this year.I found out since my dad naturalized when I was 16 I could get derived citizenship through him. I chose to do the N600 first then go about getting my passport.
So my timeline goes like this:
I sent my application on Feb 29 to the Arizona processing center.
I got the NOA on March 7 saying it had been transfered to the National Benefits Center.
My application was transferred to my local field office(San Jose) on March 24.
And just today my case status online said that my oath ceremony date and time had been sent out!
So in my application I included the following:
1.N600 application
2.two passport photos
3.check for $600
4.a copy of my birth certificate
5.secondary evidence in lieu of my dad's birth certificate(let me know if you want details for what I included)
6.secondary evidence of my parents marriage since they didn't register their marriage officially in their home coubtry
(again I'll post exact papers for anyone interested)
7.a copy of my dad's naturalization certificate
8. A copy of my green card
9. Evidence showing legal and physical presence in the us, I included: a copy of my high school transcript, three tax returns of my dad showing I was his dependent , all of which were when I was under 18, a copy of my dad's lease for our house were I lived in when I was under 18,
10.a cover letter explaining why I included secondary evidence instead of primary documents
And that's it, I hope this helps anyone interested in doing the N600 when they're already adults. I thought it would take 6 months but it only took three. Cheers everybody!

I would take the timing of being attacked by your new wife and the visa process as a sign that now is the time to get out. People that are violent need years of therapy to change behavior like that. Annul the marriage (check with a local attorney but I bet violence is a justifiable and qualifiable reason for annulment). To me the important thing to do would not be thinking about how best to proceed with a future life together but how you can get out before more damage is done.

If it were an American woman in his shoes people would be all over it telling her to go to a shelter and get a protection order. But, because he is a man, they should try and work it out?

Honestly, I would suggest hiring a divorce lawyer. DV is no way to start a marriage nor an AOS application.

In addition to what others said I want to point out that he doesn't have to agree with the divorce, you can get divorced without him
signing papers.
Any USCIS mail is his and wherever he wants it send you send it with the rest of his mail.
Not sure why you even care what happens with his immigration process now.
He has to grow up and live with the consequences of his decisions without you as an enabler rescuing him or still hovering and guiding
his process.

I'd still chase her down and drag her out. What is being forced upon her is not legal in the USA. That sounds kind of bad to write it like that, but likely her preconceptions of what these people can hold over her head, does not match with the laws of the USA.

Which why I mentioned confronting the owners of the salon with trafficking laws after this is complete. You want to insure there is no repeat of the shady business. And yes, he needs to have a serious heart to heart with his wife. To me it appears she was forced into this situation against her will. Partly by her parents, and partly by the salon owners. Its likely the parents got money in their pockets, and the salon owner got labor below market rates.

This thread scares me a little. I wonder if she's in a human trafficking situation where she's being obligated to work to pay back her parent's debt. Does she also live with the nail salon owners? Do they control her every move? All red flags of human trafficking.
It doesn't sound like she's blowing you off if she left her engagement ring, expensive jewelry, and most clothes. She could have done so because she is afraid to have "flashy" things at this nail salon. They could steal it from her or make her pawn it.
I hope you do something to make sure she is ok. I would NOT be ok with this situation and get police involved. It doesn't sound like she is exercising her free will in this situation.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/phillip-martin/nail-salons-and-human-tra_b_669076.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/10/nyregion/at-nail-salons-in-nyc-manicurists-are-underpaid-and-unprotected.html
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/my-nail-salon-may-be-a-front-for-a-brothel/2015/11/20/65cc15e6-84c0-11e5-8ba6-cec48b74b2a7_story.html

Looks like it's time to get the cops involved and get your wife out of that ILLEGAL situation. If you're not part of the solution, as her husband/protector, then you're part of the problem.

I'm pretty sure her parents did this on purpose to control her. She didn't give them the money they wanted so they threw a fit.
If she doesn't give them what they want the will borrow it from this person again and leave the debt to their daughter. She needs to make it crystal clear to her parents and this person that she will not pay back her parents debt after this.
If she does come back things like this need to be discussed.
Agree on an amount that you both can live with and she needs to put her foot down concerning money going to her parents.

Family obligations are big. One of the reasons you need to know what sort of family you are getting yourself into.
It sounds like your wife's family are not of good character.

I really hope the person that lent her parents money is not bad news.
She may be in over her head, I hope she is alright and nothing fishy or dangerous is going on.