Caryh

My love is here at home. Arrived this morning. This is our home together and will miss "home" in Philippines till we return. She is now sleeping like a baby! I feel so much relaxed and better after finally napping also after the time and energy this journey has drained me. I think we will be up all night till break of dawn! I am sure she will post more of her travels soon. Thank you everyone and friends we made on here and our journey.

One thing is that you believe or not, other different thing is what our CBP office think.

I'll have to ask my Filipina unit what I think about this topic. Sorry, just yanking your chain with that term. Although she doesn't mind being called my Filipina in the least. Our gap is not far off the 20 year gap. But we're a great match. Took me a while to get her to understand that we are total equals and partners. Still she prefers I make certain decisions, and I've given up trying to change her mind about it. She's happy enough that she can ask for something and I say yes. To me its her making the decision, she just wants confirmation it fits in our budget. Can she be childish? Yes, she certainly can at times, but I'm sure theres been times I've been a bit childish to. My wife is a very traditional Pinay. She wants the man leading, the man protecting her and taking care of her. In return she takes care of me. But she's also learned I expect an equal partner. If there's house work to do, who ever has the least to do at the time steps in to do it. While she cooks most of our meals, when she's tired or busy I jump in and get it done. In other words she prefers we each do the tradition roles, but likes that we need not be locked into them 24/7. That we work together on whatever needs doing to maximize the time we can just enjoy our time together. That said, I do believe she would also be happy with 100% traditional roles. She could easily fill the bill and match the stereotypical Filipina. But that wouldn't mean I'd disrespect her for an instant. She's an incredibly gifted, intelligent and strong woman, no matter what role she fills. She can do things that totally amazes me, then act like the simplest thing is beyond her, because she wants me to do if for her. It just makes her feel good and loved when I do some things for her. Its what she grew up expecting, and now that she is a married woman, she just wants some things the way they were between her parents. Its just how she sees the world should be.
I understand your point about disrespecting their wives, I've seen it here and its just plain wrong, but I'm a little worried you might be telling couples how their relationship should be to. What roles each should play, and the woman should never take the submissive role. My wife loves taking the submissive role, but that does not mean there is anything submissive about her. Its just her comfort zone to operate out of as a base. I accept that as who she is, and she accepts me as who I am. Which is a guy who expects his wife to be his partner and equal.

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

No offense meant to the OP, but topic like this would not have been an issue if it was discussed prior to getting married. You (particularly the Filipina wife) should have made the family understand that new responsibilities and priority change come with marriage. Marriage is a commitment contracted between the groom and the bride, not with the in-laws. Once you become husband and wife, the priority is for the growth of your family, not your extended family.
Let me address first the Filipina wives: once you get married, you are no longer a daughter or a sister but a wife or a mother thus you act and decide as such. It is not a sign of ungratefulness or disrespect if you are unable to give financial support to your family in the Philippines. You must make them understand that you have a new life now and they cannot expect you to be responsible for their well being in the Philippines, because you have your own concerns to take care of now that you are married.
For the USC husbands: Save yourself the stress. Your wife’s family survived before you even came into their lives and they will continue to do so even without you sending them regular financial support. The most important thing you can do for them is to make sure you give your wife a good life.
I am not saying that you should totally ignore them and never send them anything. If your lifestyle and financial status allows you to help them, then do so, but not to the extent that you will encourage them to be totally dependent on you.
I understand that you want the family in the Philippines to have a better life by helping them financially but if it becomes a burden to your own budget then it’s about time to re-evaluate. If you continue to do what you’re doing now (i.e. sending them monthly allowance + extras) then they’re probably making a false assumption (and you're creating unrealistic expectations) that you can afford to help no matter what, regardless of the amount. Help when you can but do not give them everything because it is never going to be enough, there will always be a need for more. Set a limit as to how much you can help them with, and stick with it. If they need more then they must find ways to provide for themselves. The best way to help them improve their lives is to teach them how to be more responsible and not how to constantly ask for support.

Wow.. you are all generous dudes! My husband doesn't send any money to my family, i don't ask him to... and it's because my family doesn't ask for it either. My family is not well off but they are industrious enough and contented with what they have. They believe that my husband has no obligation to them since they only married me and not them. I'm a Pinay and it's best to do it that way. This makes everyone stand on their own feet and learn to be content and always joyful to God's everyday blessings big or small.

As a certified expert, I can tell you that your wife is right. She never will change her position and it is a waste of time trying to convince her that the ex is not a threat.
Don't bother hoping she will grow out of it. She won't. Therapy is a waste of time and money.
If it makes you feel any better, you are right she shouldn't be jealous. Add a dollar to that and you can buy yourself a coke at Mcdonalds
once you accept the fact that your wife is not in control and can not change you are ready to try solve your problem.
It is cheaper to have one ex mad at you than to have two exes.
You really shouldn't need to talk to your ex more than once a week. You've had full custody all this time, she probably doesn't have to many cards to play.
I think typically the non-custodial parent gets a couple weekends a month yada yada.
I think with the ex, you are in the drivers seat. Set up a generous schedule for her to spend time with the kids and then stick to it.
Your mom who used to exchange the kids could probably be an in-between so you don't have to talk to the ex.
you divorced in 2004 so the youngest kid should be at least 8. That means in 10 years the problem of dealing with the ex
should disappear.
But that brings up the question of more babies with current wife. Not a good idea until you've worked out whether or not
you can put up with this situation. I don't have any idea how you could suddenly start using birth control if you haven't
already been using it, without throwing her into a depression.

At least you know a couple of things to do now and a process to start. Your ex is causing problems. the best way to deal with it, it anytime you want to compliment your ex, compliment monreal instead. The other things is the "maid" issue. This is something hard to deal with, but now you know. treat monreael as your wife and your "ex" as a maid. Only talk to your wife about the kids and nothing else....this is very vital. if not tlaking about kids, just drop the call, the conversation, whatever. Tell you ex monreal needs you for something, even IF monreal does not need you. Re-affirm your marriage to monreal. Complimenting your ex and you current wife feels like a maid, you are on some slippery ground. You are seeing your past in "rose" colored glasses. Something made you and your ex split. Something important. something major. Maybe you left her, maybe she left you. I get the sense of you having the kids, she left, and ran away with someone else. Now that person is gone and she is regretting what she did. the FACT she told monreal she is not back in town to get her ex back. I would be highly suspicious. that statement bothers me the most. Be very very very careful around your ex. she either wants you back, or wants the kids. All I can say is wake up and pay attention, do not trust an ex. You are still not over her if you are complimenting her in front of monreal. WAKE UP. you are married to a wonderful girl who loves you with all of her heart. Put your heart in monreal. Put your effort into monreal. You may be friends with your ex, but YOU still don't see whatever happened to destroy your marriage with your ex. I wish you the best..... love monreal, compliment monreal. WAKE UP and smell the bananas, cocnut, fish, vinegar, soy sauce, and rest of things going on... you may be civil to your wife but.... that does not mean to make her your best friend... or close friend.... just a friend is all you need. women are "catty" Monreal may not like her.... trust monreal, women have an innate sense to know. You are way too trusting. if your ex can destroy your happiness she will... don't think for a second an ex won't destroy a new marriage....

John,
Well... sh!t. This is a difficult challenge. On the surface. (but) IMO, is solvable. Let me start off by stating....1) I think you are good at expressing your POV via written communication. (so) I'm gonna quote a few parts of your op and respond (as how I interpret your meaning). I apologize if I miss the mark of your intent. 2) I'm not confident many people will agree with my pov. (but) Here goes....,
This being part of your opening statement and this being part of your closing statement...,
Makes me think you are using the "American Way" as an argument and leverage in your Fil-Am marriage. It also seems (to me) you are discrediting her feelings / rationale by pointing out infrastructure inadequacies and age difference.
Which is more important...your wife and marriage or the American way of doing things?
Day to day? As in... Day to day? as in... very very often? ....as in..every day
I wonder why you were granted full custody. Was this simply logistics settled between you 2 or was it a result of a court order?
I ask because...I wonder if your ex has some negative "history" that might be alarming..in the situation.
(but) This was with the distance and contact limitations of your ex living in Texas. Now she is front and center to be involved with the kids (and of course you and your wife) "day to day".
A very comfortable, safe and low threat distance.
That statement has so many wrong opportunities...too many to list...Why are you letting your ex advise your wife?!!!!
John...dude...seriously...KEEP YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!!!
DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT EVER COMPLIMENT YOUR EX WIFE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!
Okay...I doubt I will be able to post any more quote boxes. I bet I already hit the limit. I will wing it from here.
I have no doubt your wife is sick and tired of hearing about your ex. She married you. She accepted your kids. It now seems it is becoming a ...you + your ex + the kids...and (maybe..I wrote... maybe)your wife is now.. a tag along. Has she referred to herself as the nanny / housemaid yet? (no...that is not sarcastic..that is a serious question)
Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if her ex husband was the one playing the part of you ex wife? Your kids are their kids? She is the one on the phone with her ex...she is the one talking about her ex "every single" time.
I'm confused. Why does your wife say it's okay to talk with the ex about the kids but then becomes upset? What else are you talking about? Are you joking around? Laughing? Chit chatting? Extending verbal courtesies?
John..I have a lot more to write but...I'm rambling on too much and I'm aware I might be viewed as "screeching on a soapbox".
I will try to sum up...,
#1 Back your ex wife off... completely...until you and your wife resolve this.
#2 Accept the fact...your wife is not happy with the current situation...if your marriage is top priority...time to prove it.
(I will stop here...maybe come back later with a few more thoughts. John...you are one of my VJ buddies...Please don't be upset with my frankness and POV. I'm not trying to harsh you...just stating my POV. I thought to PM this but...well...I think you want responses via this thread.)

Total bull. Filipinos are nothing but conniving when it comes to extorting money from friends and relatives. The usual modus operandi is to spend all your own money freely, then go broke, so that you can leech again off everybody else. No need to plan ahead, when you wait until the last moment, then everything becomes an emergency.
In the US, the rule is: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
However, you are free to allude to any made up rules that make you feel better while you are being fleeced.

My wife, also a filipina, has strong jealousy issues with my ex-wife also. I rarely every talk with or see my ex, but I do drive by her house to pick up my kid. This drives my current wife crazy. Its not my kid being here, its just that I was at my ex's house. I can't say I totally understand it, I know my wife tries to make it not bother her, but she just can't seem to help the reaction. It has gotten slightly better over time. But I have learned I have to make a real effort in every way I can so my wife's subconscious reaction doesn't gain control of her. Your wife was probably a lot better with the situation when your ex lived out of state.
Here is how I see my wife views the situation with my ex. Now that she is back, your wife is seriously afraid your ex is really here to get you back. It seems us guys have no choice in the matter, the women decide who we will go with and the first woman gets dibs. After all she was the mother of your children, so she can get you back because she got you once before. You will go back with your ex for the sake of your children. Your children will one day beg you to go back to their mother. Your children will one day threaten to have no relationship unless you go back to their mother.
I think many filipina have no rational way to deal with these feelings some get about ex spouses. Just look at the Philippines, divorce isn't legal and guys tend to keep a wife and multiple mistresses if they can afford it. You are judged subconsciously as living to that standard. When a couple does split, its not common for the spouse that is gone to stay in contact with their kids. She has no reference point to allow herself to be comfortable with the divorced parents that are both involved with their kids relationship. But she's not a rock, she can learn, just don't expect it to happen fast.
I'm not sure if you've had to deal with the dreaded tampo yet, but you certainly are getting it now. One thing I've learned to do is be very open with my wife and try to reduce how much communication I have to do with my ex. My ex prefers not to talk anyway, so that makes it easier for me. Communication I must have, I try to do via email now, and I let my wife know or even read what was said. I also keep my wife on the cell phone when I pick up my daughter. I use a Bluetooth ear piece when ever I go there, so my wife truly realizes I really don't run into my ex very often. Eventually I expect my wife will get used to this situation and feel more comfortable with it. I've seen some headway already, not a lot but some, but she's only been here 7 months now. Find the ways that will allow your wife to feel more secure in what is going on. I'd go to pretty long lengths to make my wife feel secure, that's why I always have the phone on now when I'm getting my daughter. Actually last time I didn't have her on the phone as my wife was busy at the mall and failed to hear my call. I think after a couple of months of me not even running into my ex, she's beginning to realize there's nothing to worry about in that regard. I'll still keep doing it for however long it takes my wife feel secure though. It took me a while to get a handle on exactly what and where the tampo was coming from, as my wife was never really willing to explain what the problem was, I actually don't think she really understood either, she just knew she was scared and jealous. But together we've slowly learned and we're working on getting her past it.

It sounds like you have to avoid talking with your ex-wife when your wife is present. Maybe call when you are at work, or email her. Also, continue having your mother transfer your children, if possible.

The way your wife is acting is how a lot of Filipina's act with exes. People who are from a different country and never experienced the Filipino culture really don't know what kind of advice to give. Their advice won't be relevant to the Filipino culture. I have had dealings with Filipinas before and the ex thing drives them all crazy. They believe an ex needs to be an ex. Someone else gave advice on talking to your ex-wife on issues about your children while at work, sounds like sound advise and your mother transporting them so you don't see your ex-wife is another piece of sound advice. As hard as it may seem, try to understand what Monreal may be going through. If you do the aforementioned suggestions and limit the contact with youe ex-wife to while you are at work and not around Monreal, then she won't go off the deep end. Like you said, everything was fine before your ex-wife moved back into town, now that she is here, Monreal is threatened, insecure and now is having trust issues. Never get upset when she goes into shutdown mode, that is the way a lot of Filipinas act and deal with the problems they don't want to talk about. You probably will never be able to change it, but you can change the environment that causes it. Learn to pick your battles and let the other ones go. Just change when and where you talk to your ex-wife. I bet if you never do it around Monreal again, you'll have a better marriage. Take the immediate threat away from her and don't do it at the home front anymore, trust me, it is better that way and if you really love Monreal, then try to minimize the problems and understand where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it or think she is right or should act that way. A happy wife make for a happy husband. Good luck and take care.

Be careful what you are saying unless you have lived in the shoes of a filipino. That is very much the culture there in the Philippines, whoever in the family get's ahead or a good job is expected to help support the family. This doesn't matter if the daughter gets married to a foreigner or the youngest brother is working as a Seaman. I would guess that 90% of filipino overseas workers are sending a good percentage of their income home to their families...
Now the question is,, how much is enough and what is the line? Of course if the daughter is married to an American it is assumed that the American makes alot of money. I think its up to the family member living abroad to explain that it is hard to make it abroad and that foreigners are not rich.. This needs to be communicated to the family over and over.
Finally, you are dead wrong about not being married to the family, In the Phils that is exactly what you are!!!!!!!!

We do not send anything on a regular basis. What we have done is cover some things that have came up. My wife has two younger adopted siblings. When she was there, she paid their high school tuition. Now that my wife has started working, we picked that up again and will continue to do so. I think they have two years of school left. They will not go on to college, because they are special needs children. Although there is a program they will go into that helps them to survive on their own after high school if they get a diploma. We want them to have that chance. We also bought her mother a good set of false teeth. After my wife left her mother's teeth were giving her so many problems, that she had them all pulled. Her family understands we're working hard here and don't really have a lot extra now. They also believe in everyone working hard and making do with what they have. Sending the tuition that had fallen behind got a big thank you of gratitude. So did the money for Momma's teeth. My wife is happy to because her mother looks like her mother again. I love my in-laws, they are family to me. But one of the reasons I became so close with them is because of their values. They believe in hard work and doing for yourself. That doesn't mean you don't help out family when they need it, but it doesn't mean when daughter marries a Kano they've hit the lottery. My wife and I discussed it, and our budget comes first. We'll try and set so much aside each month, but this isn't for just sending monthly cash to them. This is for us to be able to send money when something happens that the family cannot cover.

Wonderful. I just love this faster processing we've all gotten

It is amazing how people can put things before their children. I can't fathom it myself but people do it. And it seems to me that OP and his wife might be the types that could put their egos and controlling and spoiled behaviors and their own battles and problems with each other before the best interests of their child. I mean, they're doing it already and the kid is not even here yet. Or does no one else see that? Actually, they are both manipulating and controlling and wanting things their way and not into the give and take required in any relationship, they just exhibit those manipulating and controlling characteristics in different ways.
Geez - OP!I don't know if you've thought about it or not, realized it or not - yet (and with baby due in 2 months, its a little late now) but baby changes everything. EVERYTHING! Nothing else will matter, least of all some of this petty ####### between you and your wife. You both need to grow up NOW! Please! It's going to be ALL ABOUT THE CHILD from here out. Should be already with wife being pregnant. Obviously it's not all about the baby/pregnancy for you guys but CRIPE! You guys have a baby on the way! Who gives a ####### about who put a measuring cup where? Or any nonsense like that?
I'm sure it's tough for you having a wife like that and I'm just as sure some of this is due to her being pregnant and all that, but I'll save my sympathy for that poor kid.
God bless you both and especially that baby!

Scammed. The only parasites in this process bigger than attorneys are Civil Surgeons. They can require anything they want in return for their signature. What is "required" does not matter, if you want their signature, you pay what they demand.
Alla and I have worked with our Senator Leahy here to introduce legislation allowing ANY licensed US doctor to sign off on the I-693 for immigration purposes The original legislation was not passed but he may add it as an amendment to something else.

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

I've heard of immigrants being mistreated and petitioners being used for immigration benefits or mistreated. This is not a black and white issue. We have some cases where people have had bad intentions in both directions, and yet plenty of cases where it just didn't work out. When the heart is hurt, its hard to say how you'll react. Even if there is a legitimate reason to want to send someone back, that person would do much better just forgetting it and moving on with their life. There's also the case of petitioners poorly treating spouses or potential spouses and refusing to help that person return when they want to. There is every mix under the sun that will come through here. I'm just glad there appear to be more happy cases than sad ones. Or maybe I just prefer to believe there are more happy?

So sorry to hear that. Puzzles me that they don't just tell you what it is they are looking for or can't find, or whatever. I mean, why can't they just say for example - "We are having trouble finding the results of the background check of the petitioner (or whatever the case may be). We will contact you when we find them. In case we do not find them we will need to run the check again..etc."? If they now what it is they need or are missing or whatever then why not just tell the couple (in this case) or the beneficiary that and then set an expectation for them and arrange some kind of follow up? Cripe, how hard is that? To purposley leave the couples dangling in the wind like this especially at this stage of the process, just seems purposley and inhumanely cruel.
Basically they are saying "We know you've ben through a lot in this process already and we don't give a #######! Now you're in Administrative Review and we still don't give a #######. AND we will not tell you why and we give even less of a ####### about that! SEE-Ya! Oh, and don't call us, we'll call you!"
Oh well, hang in there!
God bless to you both and here's praying that the end result is approval and VISA issuance!

It doesn't matter who pays what. If you’re filing a petition for your fiancé, you should be able to pay for all the filing fee expenses.  It doesn’t matter that I’m a female petitioner.  When he gets here and we get married, what’s mine will be his and what’s his will be mine.  If your fiancé is in a position to help you pay, then so be it, but this shouldn’t even be a major topic of discussion at this point.  I love my fiancé and will do whatever is necessary to get him here with me, that includes paying ALL the application/visa/medical fees. When he gets here he probably won’t be working right away, so I’m quite okay with absorbing whatever additional expense occurs as a result of him being here.  I know he appreciates and recognizes the expenses and when he starts working (however long that will take) he’ll pitch in as necessary, similar to how any working class family does it.   Also at some point you’ll have to sign an affidavit of support to indicate your commitment and ability to support your fiancé/fiancée financially when he/she gets to the USA.  This affidavit is legally binding for a number of years.