Is it bad that I want to change my maid of honor?

[L_n_O 3]

Ok, here's my pseudo-speech I've written for tomorrow.

Jen, I want to talk to you about something, it's serious... and I'm worried about how it may affect us.. My intention is not to hurt your feelings or your friendship.

This is about the wedding, more specifically about your role in the wedding. I need to switch my maid of honour to someone who will have more spare time to help me throughout the year as I begin to really start planning the wedding. It's hard for me to always ask things of you when you're so busy all the time between work, your boyfriend, and your family. It makes me feel bad to ask more of you when you already have so little ime for yourself.

Of course I still want you in my wedding party, but I really am realizing that once I move, I only have 8 months or so to plan the whole thing. I'm going to need more ongoing help and with the distance we'll have and our time schedules, I don't think that it's really doable. You're a great friend and we've been through a lot together and I don't want that to change. I wish I could do the wedding locally and this wasn't be an issue for us.

[KarenCee 3]

[trailmix 77]

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

I see some diplomatic career in your future.

[gwenneh 7]

Well done.

[L_n_O 3]

Ok, so I did it..

Boy was she pi$$ed!

She said this was one of the most "a$$" things I could do (which I recognize).

Also, a lot of her friends (not mine) know that she was my MOH... what does she tell them now?? (that's right, that was her question!)

She said that me changing my maid of honor because it just makes more sense because I'm going to need more help that she can offer now is not right. She said she knows that I'm a different personality than her and I'm more practical and I'm looking at it from that point of view... but when she gets engaged and picks her MOH, she'll do it from the heart, and out of love.

She also said that it's retarded that I have this conversation with her the day we're going shopping and I should have called her up and told her we needed to talk.... Cuz now she really doesn't want to look at any dresses with me.. I offered her the chance of just calling it a day and not going to see anymore dresses until she has time to process but she said "I'm a bigger person than that.. I'll look at dresses even though I don't really want to".

She also warned me, "and don't think for one second that if you change your mind again and ask me to be your MOH again that I'll say yes, cuz I really don't want to do it anymore".

Soo all in all, a fantastic conversation. We did look at dresses for about 45 mins thereafter. She did relax a bit (pretty sure it was still on her mind though.... just wasn't voicing it anymore) but I'm sure her boyfriend will hear an earful tonight...

Me: relieved

My fiance: happy that I'm relieved

Edited October 13, 2007 by liz_legend 'n Ol

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

She did relax a bit but I'm sure her boyfriend will hear an earful tonight.

Me: relieved

My fiance: happy that I'm relieved

Good for you. Good for your fiance.

Her boyfriend on the other hand. Hope he's got some beer in the fridge...

[L_n_O 3]

Okay.. so.. now I have no maid of honor and one less bridesmaid.

She just called. Doesn't want to be in my wedding party anymore.

[Ban Hammer 14,800]

She did relax a bit but I'm sure her boyfriend will hear an earful tonight.

Me: relieved

My fiance: happy that I'm relieved

Good for you. Good for your fiance.

Her boyfriend on the other hand. Hope he's got some beer in the fridge...

and some earplugs.

[Fandango 1,440]

can't say I'm suprised!

But it's for the best, so forget about it!

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Hi, Liz

I just read through the whole thread. Good for you for having the cajones to change your MOH and to handle it so diplomatically. From what you've said, I'd be surprised if Jen came to your wedding at all. She doesn't seem to have much self-awareness. I guess there's no getting around the fact that she's likely hurt and insulted (unavoidable given the situation) and doesn't understand why and how you came to your decision. I suspect that your happiness on your wedding day isn't at the top of her priority list. Your high school friend is the way to go (I'm probably stating the obvious there!).

I think there's truth to the notion that people show their true selves when dealing with weddings and funerals. My relationship with an old (but crazy) friend essentially ended when I gently told her that our wedding was to be an adults-only evening--that is, drunken--event. Her son was three at the time, and she very easily could have made arrangements to come to the wedding and find care for her son (all our other friends with kids managed to make arrangements, and my niece was not there either). I didn't want to make an exception for her because it would be unfair to others, and I simply wasn't going to cave to her neuroses. This was someone I've known for a long time, but I reached the conclusion that our friendship had never been a two-way street. Mostly it was me helping her through crisis after crisis. When she didn't get her way, she behaved like a spoiled brat. It took that type of behavior for me to realize that maybe she wasn't a great friend after all.

Sorry, this is sort of a ramble. I hope your wedding preparations go smoothly and that your true friends are there for you.

[kim&james 0]

You have to be happy on your wedding day and a little help beforehand goes a long way to keeping it stress free. You made the right decision and if she is not a big enough person to admit to some faults on her side then dont worry yourself over it. That is not your problem. Organising a very nice wedding day for yourself is... with the help of someone reliable.

Very best of luck to you.

[L_n_O 3]

thanks guys..

she said at the end of that 2 min phone call that she "can't believe how tacky am for doing something like this.."

[almaty 19]

she sounds like a person who likes to control through guilt and shame..f##k her..and drive on

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Hey just read this entire thread and ur talk to ur former MOH - - I think you did a nice job and put things quite nicely. One thing to keep telling yourself....THIS IS YOUR DAY! And your MOH needs to be someone that you are comfortable with and does not make planning your wedding any more stressful....IMHO - concentrate on making this a great day and doing what you want - cause after all your the bride!!!!!!