Trust in a Relationship....

[jonkam 0]

I was browsing and ran across this post and it really hit a nerve.

In my case trust has gotten me in a bad situation. When i think of trust, I think of trusting the person will be sincere, honest, loyal, etc. From my recent and past experiences too much trust can end up getting people burned. Not enough trust in a relationship a relationship can can also be a serious problem. Example: questioning and analyzing every little thing a person says or does, to see if they are lying to you or always accusing them of cheating, etc.

So, I think in a perfect world. There would be a balance between the two.

Trust is ecential in an intimate relationship. But, blind trust can be a bad thing, whether you are together one year or twenty years.

There are published statistics on the % of men/women who have cheated on a loved one. I do not remember what the % was, but I remember that it was quite high.

There are other aspects of trust in a relationship, besides fidelity. But this along with trusting a person is honest and sincere are the main things i think of when trust in an intimate realtioship is brought up.

I am generally a very honest and sincere person by nature, so I trust that people are also the same with me. I think being too trusting is a character flaw of mine. It is very difficult to change ones personality traits. I wish that from my recent situation that I will learn to be LESS trusting (just a little).

So, IMO trust is esential, but 100% BLIND trust is not a good thing.

[disbelief 0]

Could you marry someone you felt was lying to you?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! And, as simple as this sounds, I've found over time that it is true... "if something doesn't feel quite right, it isn't..." Take that for what it's worth to you!

[almaty 19]

allot of people marry someone who has lied to them......and worse..they assume if they marry the individual..they will change....but they are wrong

[Jaseball 0]

It seems quite a few people here have this idea that a lie is a lie is a lie. If you honestly believe in all your relationships or even in your marriage that there have never been omissions, white lies, or avoidances, then more power to you, but I don't believe it.

I for one feel there are 'deal breaker,' type lies and situations. Someone lying about a former marriage, hiding huge debts, has kids they are hiding, has a drug/alcohol/gambling or other addiction, is unfaithful, pretends to love you, or situations of this nature eliminates all trust and kills the relationship.

Heck, just look at marriage vows and divorce rates. If you are married you better stay that way until one of you dies because if you divorce, then both of you broke your vows and lied.

You know the best liars are the ones that rarely get caught right? You know how many people who have thought they had the perfect love were fooled? If you are one of those people standing on a soapbox saying you never lie, won't even accept white lies, want 100% truth 100% of the time, then I doubt you'll be posting or admitting to anyone you were fooled or someone changed or something else happened to shatter your world.

I agree with the trust your gut advice. If you are sensitive to the situation and your gut starts warning you it is a good idea to pay attention. It may not be a big deal or it may not be what you fear, but more than likely something is going on that you should uncover.

[AtlantiCat 0]

So what you ladies are telling me is the best policy is 100% direct, brutal truth in every single situation.

If you ask a questions like "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" the correct answer would be something like, "Wow, yeah, for some reason those pants makes your butt look huge."

Then you'll smile sweetly and say, "Thanks honey! I just wanted your 100% honest opinion!"

Umm...there's a big difference between being simply honest and being an azzhole. There's no reason not to say a simple, honest, "Yeah, I'm afraid so," or if you want to be a bit wimpy about it, "I wouldn't wear those pants if I were you." Congratulations, you've been honest! I'd much rather hear "Yes they do," than "Oh, no, they look just fine!" if it isn't the truth.

[AtlantiCat 0]

You know the best liars are the ones that rarely get caught right? You know how many people who have thought they had the perfect love were fooled? If you are one of those people standing on a soapbox saying you never lie, won't even accept white lies, want 100% truth 100% of the time, then I doubt you'll be posting or admitting to anyone you were fooled or someone changed or something else happened to shatter your world.

*gets down off the soapbox* I'll be more than happy to post a long and involved tale about my ex-husband, or ex-lovers, and I will admit I've been fooled, that I've changed or he changed, and give you the details of what happened to shatter my world. I've been burned many a time, and played the fool, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. In fact, I've posted most of it on my Livejournal to my friends. I can and have laid myself completely bare before others and I would do it again if I thought it would help because I have no secrets to hide from others. Maybe you've heard the song:

Everybody plays the fool, sometime,

There's no exception to the rule.

It may be factual, it may be cruel,

Everybody plays the fool.

'Tis true.

[Nancy2015 2]

Women ask these questions as a test. They are seeking support and are seeing just how creative their guy can be with their answer. Watch you guy the next time you toss a question like that. He'll probably tense up, sweat a bit or if he is smooth and prepared he'll smile sweetly and either tell a joke or say something you want to hear.

I'm sorry you had to date such women.

When I cook something and it sucks, that's what my husband tells me. If he's wearing something that makes him look like a clown, this is what I will say. If my pants make me look fat, I want to hear that from my husband, and I don't want any white lies ever.

Back to topic. Trust is the most important part in a relationship, imo. Why would one willingly marry someone he/she doesn't trust? How's that possible? I don't know, but I guess it is.

If someone says "my fiancee is a liar, and I don't trust her, but I will marry her and I will make sure my assets are well protected, cause she's such a damn liar, she will only think of ways to rip me off" - then it's not love, imo. I don't even know what it is. I wanted to say it's more about power and control, but I think that would be a stretch. It's just too odd to even fit the "power and control" pattern.

[Sheriff Uling 3]

allot of people marry someone who has lied to them......and worse..they assume if they marry the individual..they will change....but they are wrong

Very, very, very good point...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

some people do not want to hear the truth...they would rather live in their fantasy world of the relationship

Jack Nicholson told Tom Cruise that he couldn't handle the truth. It was a defining moment in their relationship.

[Sheri&Carl 0]

I trust my Sweet Sasha completely. And I know that she trusts me completely. Being so far apart in physical distance...trust is everything!

(OFF TOPIC)Just noticed on your sig, we will be seing our SO's around the same time..Have fun... (ON TOPIC)

I trust Carl completely and he trusts me completely and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Fandango 1,440]

So what you ladies are telling me is the best policy is 100% direct, brutal truth in every single situation.

If you ask a questions like "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" the correct answer would be something like, "Wow, yeah, for some reason those pants makes your butt look huge."

Then you'll smile sweetly and say, "Thanks honey! I just wanted your 100% honest opinion!"

This is why long ago I stopped asking advice on women from female friends. They had my best interest at heart, they truly told me what they believed, however applying some of their suggestions was a sure way to get slaughtered.

The only way a guy gets good relationship advice is from another guy who is successful with women of all types, not from other women. Advice from mom, sisters, etc., is usually the worst advice of all.

As for the above stereotypical question about pants and fat butts here are some safe answers:

"I think X pant/skirt/shorts actually goes better with that blouse and highlights your eyes."

"You know how uncontrollable I get when you wear tight fitting clothes. We have to leave in 10 minutes and I don't have time now to ravage you for hours."

Neither of these answers contains a lie, makes the woman feel desirable, and disables the question in a clever or funny way, which works many times better than even the typical generic white lie, "Nothing makes you look fat," or something to that effect.

Her: honey do these pants make my azz look fat?

Him: No babe, your fat azz makes your azz look fat.

but seriously....if I wear something that is not flattering, I'd want my boo to point out 'hey that's not very flattering' If I say 'what do you think?'...TO ME...the worst thing you can do is churn out the bog standard YOU LOOK GREAT! all the time. That's insincere and dishonest. And TO ME...a lifelong partner doesn't bs you. I'd rather my man point out that my outfit is ugly rather than shut his mouth and let me go out of the house looking like shiznit. I don't mean 'let' in the 'barefoot pregnant in the kitchen' sense either.

And if my man was all 'oooh the color really brings out the highlights in your hair' in response to a 'do I look fat?' question....well 1) I'm smart enough to see a dodged quezzie...which says 'yeah you look fat' but also says 'and I'm too pu$$y to tell you' and 2 ) that my man's been watchin too much '####### eye'

[Caladan 19]

My brother-in-law's wife: Do you think my ankles look fat?

My brother-in-law: Not compared to the rest of you.

^^ wrong way to answer.

[no one 0]

"Honey, do these pants make my butt look fat?"

"How's that pasta? As good as your mom's?"

"Do you find that girl attractive?"

"How do you like that shirt I got you?"

"Is there anything about me you would want to change?"

Want me to go on? The situation, the degree and other factors all come into play when it comes to lies and trust. In important areas such as fidelity, finances, health, degree of love, future goals, etc., etc., one lie is enough to sink things because the person is lying for specific deceptive reasons as well as pretending to be something they are not.

With all the above white lies you know that smart men will tell the white lie because doing anything else is just starting an argument you can't win and that will wear you out, while being totally pointless at the same time. I've lied, side stepped, ignored the question, told a joke in to every one of those questions.

I don't trust anyone 100%. Been there and done that. If you reach 90% with me you are a trusted friend, lover, family member, etc. If you reach 95% we've known each other for many, many years and you've never let me down. I can't see anyone going over 90-95% for anyone. My wife will be the only one who could get past 95%, but that is going to take a heck of a long time and she has to deserve it.

I agree with you on white lies and being honest in areas that really count. Whenever situations like those arise, my husband avoids the white lies trap by responding with, "I can't answer that question, because there's no right answer."

To the OP: I trust my husband with my life. Without trust, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I know it's not exactly a saintly quality, but I'm unforgiving towards liars (with the exception of little white lies which I know to be exercises in etiquette anyway...) and backstabbers... once the trust's been broken, I can never look at that person the same way ever again.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

So what you ladies are telling me is the best policy is 100% direct, brutal truth in every single situation.

If you ask a questions like "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" the correct answer would be something like, "Wow, yeah, for some reason those pants makes your butt look huge."

Then you'll smile sweetly and say, "Thanks honey! I just wanted your 100% honest opinion!"

This is why long ago I stopped asking advice on women from female friends. They had my best interest at heart, they truly told me what they believed, however applying some of their suggestions was a sure way to get slaughtered.

The only way a guy gets good relationship advice is from another guy who is successful with women of all types, not from other women. Advice from mom, sisters, etc., is usually the worst advice of all.

As for the above stereotypical question about pants and fat butts here are some safe answers:

"I think X pant/skirt/shorts actually goes better with that blouse and highlights your eyes."

"You know how uncontrollable I get when you wear tight fitting clothes. We have to leave in 10 minutes and I don't have time now to ravage you for hours."

Neither of these answers contains a lie, makes the woman feel desirable, and disables the question in a clever or funny way, which works many times better than even the typical generic white lie, "Nothing makes you look fat," or something to that effect.

Her: honey do these pants make my azz look fat?

Him: No babe, your fat azz makes your azz look fat.

but seriously....if I wear something that is not flattering, I'd want my boo to point out 'hey that's not very flattering' If I say 'what do you think?'...TO ME...the worst thing you can do is churn out the bog standard YOU LOOK GREAT! all the time. That's insincere and dishonest. And TO ME...a lifelong partner doesn't bs you. I'd rather my man point out that my outfit is ugly rather than shut his mouth and let me go out of the house looking like shiznit. I don't mean 'let' in the 'barefoot pregnant in the kitchen' sense either.

And if my man was all 'oooh the color really brings out the highlights in your hair' in response to a 'do I look fat?' question....well 1) I'm smart enough to see a dodged quezzie...which says 'yeah you look fat' but also says 'and I'm too pu$$y to tell you' and 2 ) that my man's been watchin too much '####### eye'

[rebeccajo 14]

Is this another one of those 'yardstick' threads where everybody measures up their relationship against everybody elses?