feeling awful...

[giving_up 3]

Where to start.......... I've been in the states for 3 months and since i got here my husband and I have had lots of misunderstandings to which his solution is that I should go back home. Last thursday night things exploded because I sent him an email in which i told him that i missed my mom because i wished i was with her for my grandma's anniversary; when he got home from work he told me it's my decision if i stay or leave this country and he said he wishes he could undo things, once again he told me he thinks it's better for me to leave since i mentioned that i missed my family... after hearing him say all those things i had a major breakdown, i left home at 1:30am not knowing where to go, he went after me and brought me back home, we got to talk and kinda fixed things then went to bed at around 5am.

The next day from the moment i woke up, i started crying and couldnt stop, i started to feel sick and have been sick since then. Today my husband took me to the doctor and guess what? i have depression, anxiety, neuralgia, insomnia, couple of phobias and cholicistitis... I feel like #######, i didnt leave everything behind back in my country to come here and be sick like this. My mother called me and she was crying on the phone telling me that she always prays to God to give me happiness. My husband didnt say anything about my health, and he didnt even make the time to buy me the pain killers, the doctor gave me antidepressants and they've made me all shaky. I feel so damn alone, i dont want to believe that i made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the man who i thought would bring me happiness for once. He called me few minutes ago but i was sick in the bathroom, i just called him twice and when he picks up he pretends he doesnt hear me and hangs up, he hasnt called me back. I cant believe it's been only 3 months of marriage and things are like this, i wonder if i will be able to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm sorry for this post, i dont have anyone to talk to and i just feel lonely and sick. Please keep me and my marriage in your prayers. God bless us all.

[L_n_O 3]

I'm sorry you feel like this

you should try having a heart to heart with him. he needs to get over his ego when you tell him that you miss your family.

you're allowed to.

take care of yourself first. get your health in order. take all the meds and join a gym. exercise gives you endorphins, which elevates your mood.

take care of the rest after.

[mcfei 0]

Where to start.......... I've been in the states for 3 months and since i got here my husband and I have had lots of misunderstandings to which his solution is that I should go back home. Last thursday night things exploded because I sent him an email in which i told him that i missed my mom because i wished i was with her for my grandma's anniversary; when he got home from work he told me it's my decision if i stay or leave this country and he said he wishes he could undo things, once again he told me he thinks it's better for me to leave since i mentioned that i missed my family... after hearing him say all those things i had a major breakdown, i left home at 1:30am not knowing where to go, he went after me and brought me back home, we got to talk and kinda fixed things then went to bed at around 5am.

The next day from the moment i woke up, i started crying and couldnt stop, i started to feel sick and have been sick since then. Today my husband took me to the doctor and guess what? i have depression, anxiety, neuralgia, insomnia, couple of phobias and cholicistitis... I feel like #######, i didnt leave everything behind back in my country to come here and be sick like this. My mother called me and she was crying on the phone telling me that she always prays to God to give me happiness. My husband didnt say anything about my health, and he didnt even make the time to buy me the pain killers, the doctor gave me antidepressants and they've made me all shaky. I feel so damn alone, i dont want to believe that i made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the man who i thought would bring me happiness for once. He called me few minutes ago but i was sick in the bathroom, i just called him twice and when he picks up he pretends he doesnt hear me and hangs up, he hasnt called me back. I cant believe it's been only 3 months of marriage and things are like this, i wonder if i will be able to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm sorry for this post, i dont have anyone to talk to and i just feel lonely and sick. Please keep me and my marriage in your prayers. God bless us all.

Hi, I feel sorry to hear that, guess you should think properly that if you should stay or leave, as depression and anxiety for long times is not good for your health, can you go back to your country maybe for a month to rest and talk to your family in person? It is very tough for a couple to be together, like most of us, we are still waiting for our application to get approved, waiting is horrible for all of us. Try to know some friends in US, or try to join some lesson like Yoga or others, I am sure it takes time for everyone to getting used the new environment. Not sure whether your husband do concern of your situation, maybe you should talk to him that you need his cares and concern. I feel sad to hear that, hope the best for you.

[KaiserD 12]

Depression and anxiety esculates when you feel you do not have the confidence or the power to change things. The choices are always yours, even when they are difficult to make. The power of control of your own life, no matter what *anyone* else says, always rests in your hands. That is empowering

Also it is clear that your mother loves you very much, so if you chose to go back you will be surrounded by people who love you.

If you choose to stay, that is not wrong either as long as you remember why you are there and still come to the conclusion that it is worth it. If it were me (and I have done this many times!) I make a big fuss, after all a bit of money and time spent on paperwork is NOTHING in comparison to the sacrifices you have made to leave your life behind.

I know it's the cheesiest thing ever, but follow your heart

This is just the opinion of one person, but he sounds like an asshat. A controlling, manipulative asshat. Sorry!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I'm sorry for all your troubles.

Before the two of you throw in the towel, try to step away from the situation and rationally think it through. I think it's a good idea for all couples to cut off any relationship exits, except in extreme cases where someone's physical safety is at risk.

Your husband's feeling insecure about whether you really want to be there or not, I'd recommend writing him a letter or telling him in person in a moment of calmness that you do love him and you want this marriage to work. Reassurance is a powerful healer, IMO. We all need it from time to time, and no matter who we are, we all come from different experiences that reflect in the way we behave in a relationship.

Hang in there and try to find comfort in each other. Tell him you need him.

[KaiserD 12]

I think it's a good idea for all couples to cut off any relationship exits, except in extreme cases where someone's physical safety is at risk.

I understand why you would say that..

i just called him twice and when he picks up he pretends he doesnt hear me and hangs up

There's a few different things that could happen.

The guy just hasn't considered how she's feeling, that he's just hurt that she says she's missing her family

The guy doesn't *want* to consider how she's feeling. He feels a twinge of guilt but shakes it off and concentrates on his feelings, in which case he has probably made the assumption that how he is feeling is more important than what she is..

or the husband is just ignoring what she's feeling.

Maybe he couldn't return those phone calls for some reason, or the phone call was cut. I know these things happen but the OP suggests it wasn't like that. Seeing as unless the husband comes and tells us the other side we assume what she's saying is true.

My husband does the first two all the time, sometimes he acts like my feelings havn't even crossed my mind when I know that's not the case. Sometimes he is even selfish because he is used to only thinking about himself and not partly responcible for another person i.e he doesn't want to go out but I do because I've been in the house all week.

I make it my business to let him know when I'm unhappy. It's not unreasonable to expect support...just like it's not unreasonable for him to expect me to be a little patient and understanding as things have changed in his life too. It is still our jobs to look after one another when we take vows as well!

[cshell 0]

Where to start.......... I've been in the states for 3 months and since i got here my husband and I have had lots of misunderstandings to which his solution is that I should go back home. Last thursday night things exploded because I sent him an email in which i told him that i missed my mom because i wished i was with her for my grandma's anniversary; when he got home from work he told me it's my decision if i stay or leave this country and he said he wishes he could undo things, once again he told me he thinks it's better for me to leave since i mentioned that i missed my family... after hearing him say all those things i had a major breakdown, i left home at 1:30am not knowing where to go, he went after me and brought me back home, we got to talk and kinda fixed things then went to bed at around 5am.

The next day from the moment i woke up, i started crying and couldnt stop, i started to feel sick and have been sick since then. Today my husband took me to the doctor and guess what? i have depression, anxiety, neuralgia, insomnia, couple of phobias and cholicistitis... I feel like #######, i didnt leave everything behind back in my country to come here and be sick like this. My mother called me and she was crying on the phone telling me that she always prays to God to give me happiness. My husband didnt say anything about my health, and he didnt even make the time to buy me the pain killers, the doctor gave me antidepressants and they've made me all shaky. I feel so damn alone, i dont want to believe that i made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the man who i thought would bring me happiness for once. He called me few minutes ago but i was sick in the bathroom, i just called him twice and when he picks up he pretends he doesnt hear me and hangs up, he hasnt called me back. I cant believe it's been only 3 months of marriage and things are like this, i wonder if i will be able to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm sorry for this post, i dont have anyone to talk to and i just feel lonely and sick. Please keep me and my marriage in your prayers. God bless us all.

Based on your post it seems that you are at home during the day while your husband is at work. Once he comes home are the two of you doing things together? Are you taking a walk, going grocery shopping, going out to dinner, meeting up with some of his friends? Talking about what you can do on the weekend together?

My major concern for my husband when he first arrived was him being home all day while I was at work. I called him during the day at least once to chat with him for a few minutes. I tried to go out with him in the evening when I got home from work even if it was just to get groceries so that way he wasn't in the house ALL day and night. Do you takes walks during the day? Is there a library around that you can walk to? Even if you do not have a card to take out books you could still go there and read a book to have a different place to be at. Are you in a place where you can meet the neighbors? Have you tried to cook any new recipes from a cook book? Are either you or your husband open to getting a pet to keep you company? Do you have any hobbies? Can your husband purchase anything for you that will keep you involved - crafts, art class, membership at a gym? Are you involved in a church/temple? Have you had the chance to find places that represent your home country - resaurants, food stores, clubs, people? These are all things that will not be THE fix but they do lead to lifting your spirits. And if you can do a few small things that will make you happier it will set things in the right direction. I think you need to ask yourself:

1-what is it that I can do during the day to lift my spirits?

2-what is it that I need from my husband (emotionally) to support your marriage and make it stronger?

3- what is it that I need for myself to make me happier as a whole?

If he is coming home and not doing things with you or trying to engage you in things then he isn't emotionally supporting you.

I think that if he could assist you in making friends with his friends or through a church or club that will help alot. As it is hard when you feel that you only have one person that you can reach out to.

May I suggest to write on a piece of paper different activities or things that you can do.

Walk around the block

weed the garden

cook new type of chicken dish

go to the library

put a thread on VJ asking for local friends to where you live

find out about local classes

join a bowling league

go to the public pool and go swimming and meet some local people

See how long you can make the list then try some of the things. When you are depressed you need to do things, and it is best if you can interact with people and/or be out of the house.

These things that I mentioned may not seem to directly to effect your relationship with your husband but they do. Additionally, you and your husband need to work on communicating better. He needs to understand how you feel and you need to tell him what you need. Then he needs to be able to truely hear it and do his best to help you. If you want to be married to him - tell him - tell him that you love him but it is the adjustment that is hard and tell him what he can do to make things smoother - and be specific.

I wish you both the very best.

[Kajikit 65]

Anxiety and depression are natural results of uprooting your entire life and moving to the other side of the world from your support network... Unless your depression is so bad that it represents a danger to your life, I wouldn't rush to medicate them away, because that's not going to fix the problem. If you can improve your circumstances, your emotional health should improve... what you need is loving understanding and better communication with your husband, and it doesn't sound like you're getting it. I think somebody (the doctor?) needs to sit your husband down and give him a stern talking to and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to support you, not tear you down.

Is there any possibility of your going to therapy together (not marriage counselling, therapy to help you adjust to all the changes in your life, with him there so he can get a better understanding of what's going on?)

Men tend to want to be fixers... if they see a problem, they want to solve it immediately, but some problems can't be fixed that easily... maybe he thinks that your expressions of your feelings about leaving your family mean that you don't want to be with him or that you're rejecting HIM, and he needs to hear that that's not the case...

[Jamie76 0]

I would hope the OP responds again.

[a-jeanne 2]

You have no information on where you're from, where he's from - not even a timeline. What's up?

[Jasman0717 8]

I am sorry you are having these problems. I hope you will be able to sit down and discuss these with your husband.

[Jaseball 0]

You have no information on where you're from, where he's from - not even a timeline. What's up?

Well from the name 'giving up,' to the stated situation of being here three months and being treated like dirt this person is well past the applying, hoping for a visa, wanting to be with your significant other stage.

I'm not saying the OP is lying, but some things just don't seem right. This visa process is a long, long process. It takes longer for us to petition for, prepare paperwork, and do all these steps with the months of waiting and waiting and waiting than some marriages last. At any time during the process either party can change their mind.

Long distance relationships are hard. Different cultures are hard. Someone uprooting their life and moving overseas is hard.

I mean, saying something like, "Why don't you just go back to your old country," is probably one of the most insensitive, rude, hurtful, and stupid things someone could say.

If all of what the OP says is true I think she needs to seriously consider listening to the advice and go back home. Three months you should both be blissfully happy. Sure being homesick, having culture shock, missing all the things you took for granted, and other issues exist, but from this one side the husband sounds like a real piece of work. Living your life, having kids, or dealing with that sort of abuse is unhealthy and could even be dangerous.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I think it's a good idea for all couples to cut off any relationship exits, except in extreme cases where someone's physical safety is at risk.

I understand why you would say that..

I'm not sure I follow you but that's not something I just pulled out of a hat or arrived by myself. It was something that I read from a marriage counselor. I personally have gone the other way, wanting to throw the towel in, during a heated argument or conflict. It's easy to blurt out things like, "This was a big mistake," or "Go back home." The concept of sustaining commitment is difficult when both sides are worried about self preservation rather than setting aside our personal needs or wants for the sake of the relationship.

[KaiserD 12]

that's not something I just pulled out of a hat or arrived by myself. It was something that I read from a marriage counselor

Your opinion (and mine) are worth just as much as the words of a marriage counselor

I really do believe in giving things a try, working out kinks. Important things in life are worth fighting for, I just no longer feel at the expense of one's mental and physical well being.

From the OPs distress, it seems like the man she is with turned differently after the marriage. It's not the first time I've read that on VJ

If it is a case of crossed wires, lack of communication there's no reason why they can't work it out. I hope OP gets back to us soon..

[one...two...tree 2,762]

that's not something I just pulled out of a hat or arrived by myself. It was something that I read from a marriage counselor

Your opinion (and mine) are worth just as much as the words of a marriage counselor

I really do believe in giving things a try, working out kinks. Important things in life are worth fighting for, I just no longer feel at the expense of one's mental and physical well being.

From the OPs distress, it seems like the man she is with turned differently after the marriage. It's not the first time I've read that on VJ

If it is a case of crossed wires, lack of communication there's no reason why they can't work it out. I hope OP gets back to us soon..

Hard to say if he misrepresented himself or the veil of romantic love has been lifted. I know that if my spouse were having second thoughts about the marriage, I would be feeling terribly insecure about the relationship, especially if she vacillated from wanting to work things out to wanting to leave the relationship. I've been in that situation before and it sucks the life out of you when your the spouse of someone like that. It sounds like both of them of done their fair amount of vacillating.

In her case, they've only been together for 3 months and she's still going through the adjustment of her new life here. At some point you've got to have faith in the choice you made to the relationship and stick it out even when it's difficult to find the desire to. Anxiety and depression can really take a toll on such a relationship.

Edited August 9, 2007 by Mister Fancypants