Money Talk

[Jasman0717 8]

[ChristinaM 0]

Ok, I'm feeling a little more human about it today, so here goes...

We argue about money because my husband is not working right now. We put him back into school after he couldn't find a teaching job for the fall, and took out a $15,000 student loan to do it on top of what he's paying for his Batchelors. I try not to resent it because I know he needed the qualifications he's now studying for, but as someone who doesn't have anything formal higher than A-Levels (high school) I find it hard to accept that we paid that for a 16-week course when it would have paid for my associates degree. I also find it hard to accept that he's just at home studying now, because my wages cover the fixed expenses and everything else, from groceries to clothes to gas comes out of our savings. I appreciate that he cashed out both his ME state retirement and 401(k) to give us those savings, but I need him to be out working!

Over the summer, we lived off unemployment money because he was holding out for a teaching job and I had no EAD. As a result, we put a lot of money on credit cards so we still have that money to pay off, plus two student loans, plus all the regular expenses. On top of that, I really could use a new car, because mine is 16 years old and a rustbucket which does not reflect well on my professional image (and I use my car a lot for work, because I'm in sales). We live in a one-bed apartment where we ran out of space about 6 months ago and the landlord is a serious freak, and we simply can't afford to move.

It's incredibly frustrating, because my hubby feels that I want "stuff", which is not true. I just want to feel like I'm moving forward - I guess it comes down to the "quality of life" issue. We tend to fight about money at the beginning of the month, because everything we owe is currently due within the first two weeks and it makes the ebb and flow of cash dangerously uneven. Also, we fight because every cent of my wages goes into the joint account to cover the bills, and I'm left having to ask for cash (and justifying doing so) if I want anything. I find that quite difficult to deal with since I'm the one bringing money in right now.

Because he's not working, Chris doesn't feel the need to get up in the morning. So I get up to go to work for 8o'clock, but he doesn't get up until midday or later. Because he doesn't get up in the morning, he's not sleepy at night. I have to go to bed because I have to go to work, so I'm going to bed on my own five five nights a week whilst he stays up until 3, 4 or 5am studying. And then the whole cycle repeats. I know that he's getting his 8-hour working day in, but he doesn't understand why it bothers me that he's asleep when I come home to get lunch, or why I'm upset because I go to sleep alone for most of the week. I think what bothers me most is the fact that he knows how much I'm hurt by it, but he doesn't seem inclined to change the habit even a little bit. It's a HUGE flashpoint for us, because I try and deal with it for periods of time and all the while the hurt builds up so when it does come out it's a lot of pent-up "stuff".

Wow, that was some vent! Congratulations if you read it all!

[almaty 19]

Ok, I'm feeling a little more human about it today, so here goes...

We argue about money because my husband is not working right now. We put him back into school after he couldn't find a teaching job for the fall, and took out a $15,000 student loan to do it on top of what he's paying for his Batchelors. I try not to resent it because I know he needed the qualifications he's now studying for, but as someone who doesn't have anything formal higher than A-Levels (high school) I find it hard to accept that we paid that for a 16-week course when it would have paid for my associates degree. I also find it hard to accept that he's just at home studying now, because my wages cover the fixed expenses and everything else, from groceries to clothes to gas comes out of our savings. I appreciate that he cashed out both his ME state retirement and 401(k) to give us those savings, but I need him to be out working!

Over the summer, we lived off unemployment money because he was holding out for a teaching job and I had no EAD. As a result, we put a lot of money on credit cards so we still have that money to pay off, plus two student loans, plus all the regular expenses. On top of that, I really could use a new car, because mine is 16 years old and a rustbucket which does not reflect well on my professional image (and I use my car a lot for work, because I'm in sales). We live in a one-bed apartment where we ran out of space about 6 months ago and the landlord is a serious freak, and we simply can't afford to move.

It's incredibly frustrating, because my hubby feels that I want "stuff", which is not true. I just want to feel like I'm moving forward - I guess it comes down to the "quality of life" issue. We tend to fight about money at the beginning of the month, because everything we owe is currently due within the first two weeks and it makes the ebb and flow of cash dangerously uneven. Also, we fight because every cent of my wages goes into the joint account to cover the bills, and I'm left having to ask for cash (and justifying doing so) if I want anything. I find that quite difficult to deal with since I'm the one bringing money in right now.

Because he's not working, Chris doesn't feel the need to get up in the morning. So I get up to go to work for 8o'clock, but he doesn't get up until midday or later. Because he doesn't get up in the morning, he's not sleepy at night. I have to go to bed because I have to go to work, so I'm going to bed on my own five five nights a week whilst he stays up until 3, 4 or 5am studying. And then the whole cycle repeats. I know that he's getting his 8-hour working day in, but he doesn't understand why it bothers me that he's asleep when I come home to get lunch, or why I'm upset because I go to sleep alone for most of the week. I think what bothers me most is the fact that he knows how much I'm hurt by it, but he doesn't seem inclined to change the habit even a little bit. It's a HUGE flashpoint for us, because I try and deal with it for periods of time and all the while the hurt builds up so when it does come out it's a lot of pent-up "stuff".

Wow, that was some vent! Congratulations if you read it all!

i see both of your points...i hope he gets a job soon. i imagine he is really bored...

[ChristinaM 0]

He's studying - he still has at least 3 exams to take. If he's bored, he could help with the housework, do the washing and ironing, take up the offer of a job-shadow someone made him, or heaven forbid, study some more.

Sorry, I'm not sympathetic to boredom in his case.

[almaty 19]

i know....

[Ladylethal 12]

I imagine how tough it can be, maybe you can talk to him about having better study hours, so he can at least be there for you at night, and then he can study in the morning when you´re out to work, so at least you guys are living in the same scheduled hours, somewhat.

[ChristinaM 0]

One would think so. I'm now at the point where we try not to talk about it because it upsets me so much, he can't understand why I'm upset and it descends into a bitchfest. <sigh>

This is why I didn't go into it yesterday when I was feeling wobbly!

[gimygirl 0]

hmmm argue ... not really. i mean, sure we've had a row or two but nothing regular. we like to keep a nice happy household for ourselves and the children. geoff is one of the most sensible men i have ever met. if we come across an issue, we discuss it immediately to stave off any hurt or pent up feelings. me, being the psych nurse, i feel like i know how to effectively have a discussion about something that may be bothering me with him taking offense to what i've said.

nothing is euphoric but we are really lucky to have a great marriage and two wonderful children ... but guess what? it's work, just like the one i clock in for. i think people tend to forget that. especially in our house where i'm the 'breadwinner' ... we saw no need for geoff to worry about 'having' to find a job because we need it. i do empathize with couples that absolutely need that second income to have a comfortable life.

christina ... i can totally see you point. i'm sure it's VERY frustrating to work and then come home to all the daily chores. i'm sure that studying is not taking up all of chris' time during the day. my advice would be to approach him at a time when you're not irk'ed by it at all. explain to him that it would make your mornings and arrivals home much more pleasant if he rose and went to bed with you. maybe suggest a 'chorelist' for him to do during the week. we have one on our fridge and geoff crosses of what he does. he feels productive and i can see what he's done and praise him!!!

hang in there girl!!!

[moondancer627 0]

Thanks for the input everyone , we are all in this together. I know USCIS wants to see us spending, spending, spending to prove we are in LOVE! and have a good marriage.

Love and marriage is not about things.... as we all know from these posts , but plain hard work, compromise and best of all someone to hug at night.

Anton and I have faced some $ issuses but I am now seeing his point in it all and we are compromising...

This is important above all....

Good Luck Everyone.....

Moondancer

[Jasman0717 8]