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Russ&Caro

Seeking good role model marriages btwn Latinos & US citizens

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Colombia
Timeline

One of the slowly emerging disappointments for my wife, who only arrived in the US 5 months ago, is a universal failure of marriages between her female friends from Colombia and US husbands. Honestly, this also applies to a couple of friends who married Spaniards and immigrated to Spain, too. Out of about 10 or 12 friends who've married abroad, all have failed in a first marriage and some are failing in second marriages, as well.

My wife is 37 so she comes to this "game" late, as do I (both of us are on our 1st and hopefully only marriage). I tell her that many of her friends married in their 20's and the failure rate is higher for those who marry early. Her group of friends represent a pretty small sample of the total number of marriages between Colombians and Americans, or Latinos in general and Americans. But still, the failure of all of these marriages is depressing, not only to her but me too.

Considering my wife's own continuing difficulties in adjusting to American culture and geography, I am wondering if this isn't a much larger factor than I'd previously thought. One friend who has been here for 5 years and another friend who's been here 10 years, are both moving back to Colombia, for good, after failed marriages. They simply don't like it here. It sort of puts the lie to the idea that everyone in the world is clamoring to live and love in the US.

I guess I don't really have an ask here other than a question to Latinos who participate in this forum of whether your immigration experience and marriage has gotten better with time. I'd like to tell my wife that it gets better, but frankly I don't know if that's true. One option I would consider is to migrate to Colombia or perhaps another Latin American country with her, but it'll take years for it to be feasible for us.

Are there things to do to make the adjustment in the US, more easy? Are longer solo visits back to home countries a good thing to consider?

Edited by Russ&Caro

Marriage: 2014-02-23 - Colombia    ROC interview/completed: 2018-08-16 - Albuquerque
CR1 started : 2014-06-06           N400 started: 2018-04-24
CR1 completed/POE : 2015-07-13     N400 interview: 2018-08-16 - Albuquerque
ROC started : 2017-04-14 CSC     Oath ceremony: 2018-09-24 – Santa Fe

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Colombia
Timeline

Hi Russ and Caro, I have close friends from Colombia who are married with Americans several years ago and they are very happy living in this country (USA), and in my particular case I am very happy with my American husband. I think 5 months are not enough time to adjust her life here. Colombians have big expectations about the life style here in the US, but the thing is when we live here the reality is totally different. For Americans the first thing in their minds is work for Colombians the first thing is family and we are always celebrating something. Colombia is a great country and in spite of its troubles, we are always happy. Anyway this country has a lot of opportunities to grow up. She can do a lot of things here such as: study, work, learn English, get a hobby, be a volunteer, etc. She only needs to adapt her heart here. Once step at a time.

Good luck!

K1 VISA



02-18-2015 (day 0 ): I-129f sent


02-24-2015 (day 6 ): NOA 1


03-17-2015 (day 21): NOA 2


05-08-2015 (day 52): Interview (Approved) :yes:


05-16-2015 (day 60): Visa in hand


06-19-2015 (day 91): US entry :dance:


08-22-2015: Marriage :wub:



AOS - EAD - AP



09-12-2015 (day 0): AOS, EAD and AP sent


09-15-2015 (day 3): Package delivered and received


09-17-2015 (day 5) : NOA 1 :thumbs:


10-06-2015 (day 24): Biometrics done!! :content:


10-28-2015 (day 46): Interview scheduled :dancing:


11-12-2015 (day 62): EAD and AP approved!! :thumbs:


11-17-2015 (day 67): EAD card was mailed to me!! :clock:


11-20-2015 (day 70): EAD and AP (Combo Card) was received by mail. :yes:



12-01-2015 (day 81): Interview day!!...My Green card was approved! :thumbs:


12-01-2015 (day 81): My new card is being produced :)


12-04-2015 (day 84): My Green Card was mailed to me :)


12-10-2015 (day 90): Green Card in hand!! :dance:




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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
Timeline

This is a great and very complex topic.

Part of the answer might simply be "picking an incompatible partner."

Another part might be homesickness.

There's also culture shock, general acculturation, language barriers, and more.

General "readiness for marriage" and capability for commitment are also factors.

In answer to your specific question, Mrs. T-B. has said that both aspects most certainly got better with time. One realization came during her first visit back to Ecu. She wanted to stay for 7 weeks. About halfway through, she called to ask if she could come back early. Apparently, she perceived that her friends were still her friends but had gone on with their own lives, and the lifestyle/convenience/efficiency comparisons between Ecu and the U.S. were revealed as stark. She described this as "When the Motel 6 is all you know, it's fine, but you see the difference after you've stayed at a fine hotel." On her last trip (in 2014), of not quite 5 weeks, she just about couldn't stand it. She's not a spoiled or entitled "princess," either.

Along the above lines, it's worth noting that every country south of the U.S. is a third-world country, with major differences to get used to in every arena of life here. Some Latinas adapt, and some don't.

---

Acculturation/homesickness: On Mrs. T-B.'s second or third weekend here, I began dropping her off at the Spanish-language Sunday services at a nearby Catholic church. I waited to pick her up after the first one. She emerged late, bubbling with excitement, and she eagerly introduced me to a nice older couple whom she'd met. She/we socialized with them and others, met either directly or through secondary contact, for several months.

(Exposing Mrs. T-B. to the Spanish services was a very good idea -- suggested by my own mother -- and not just for pure socializing, but for the quality. Churchgoers are not likely to be lowlifes or a bad crowd.)

Of note, none of those relationships have survived, but it gave her courage first to join other international-type groups (English classes), and later to join groups in which she was the only Latina (new-mommy groups, et al.).

The point of the above is that exposure to other "Spanish people" (as Mrs. T-B. called them), even if not many were Ecuadorian, made her feel welcome and part of something here, and it took the edge off her very real initial homesickness and general uncertainty about life here. I believe that these experiences helped to make her happier in our marriage, because she was happier, more comfortable, and more confident in general.

Russ, you'll have to comment on whether the above are pertinent or valuable observations. Perhaps start by assuring Caro that her friends are not "her" -- she is an individual whose awareness and maturity are unique to her. She and only she is responsible for her own attitude, and it's wrong to permit others to take or spoil it.

She, like Mrs. T-B., apparently married exceptionally late in terms of when Latinas typically marry. Did she by chance hold out for a non-macho -- as did Mrs. T-B., who grew up observing and rejecting the terrible machista behaviors so prevalent in Ecu (and Colombia, and Peru)? The answer might shed light on why some of her amigas' marriages have failed, if the amigas were less careful in selecting their mates.

Edited by TBoneTX

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Colombia
Timeline

I appreciate the responses. Good points have been made.

Per Americans focusing on work vs Latinos focusing on family, I have to constantly remind myself of this.

The Spanish religious service idea is appropriate considering we have found a nearby Catholic parish that has an early Sunday morning Mass. We're going to try it soon. It's sort of the flipside of her English language classes, where, ironically, she speaks a lot of Spanish amongst Mexicans, Salvadorans and Venezuelans who are classmates of hers.

The long home country stay is also topical. Only a week ago she debated internally whether to stay for 2, 3 or 4 weeks on her first vacation back home in January. She settled on 4 weeks. I hadn't thought about the possibility that she might actually get bored for that length of time and want to return early.

I appreciate the distinction that her unhappy Colombian-American friends are not her. But one of the factors here is that she sometimes tends toward depression, so news such as her friends share with her can really pull her down. I can certainly relate. Although it's been over 12 years since any dark cloud of depression has crossed by visage, I can still remember how bad news from others seemed like a piling on in addition to all of the other factors affecting my depression.

About the 3rd world aspect of South America, I must say that the large cities in Colombia are pretty modern and the residents there enjoy most of the same amenities we have in the U.S. In some ways, I think big city Colombians are probably expecting even better things when they arrive here and are disappointed as a result.

As for local machista behavior, I've never met any other woman with such a low tolerance for it. Even prior to meeting me, she was dismissive of 95% of the straight male population.

My sense is that it will get better. I have had some guidance in regards to early marriage issues, which has helped me a lot. Even though we've known each other for 10 years, these are the first 5 months where we've lived together continuously. There's still a long ways to go.

Edited by Russ&Caro

Marriage: 2014-02-23 - Colombia    ROC interview/completed: 2018-08-16 - Albuquerque
CR1 started : 2014-06-06           N400 started: 2018-04-24
CR1 completed/POE : 2015-07-13     N400 interview: 2018-08-16 - Albuquerque
ROC started : 2017-04-14 CSC     Oath ceremony: 2018-09-24 – Santa Fe

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Wales
Timeline

I used to order or bring stuff back, but after a while you just get used to a new environment.

What does hse do that allows so much holiday?

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

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Hi,

Even though my fiancee and me are not married, I have had enough experience with family and friends especially visiting family from Guatemala that I can provide some experiences. One thing I can say is for one in our beautiful country (USA) there major differences that are even cultural from one area to another having lived my life in OC California I can say that (based on your timeline location) having traveled to Omaha the pace of life and culture are markedly different. My Fiancee being from a big city like Mexico City but living in Tijuana is going to have a very easy time adjusting in Southern California due to the already large Mexican population the amount there is to do and the similarity in lifestyle (being Tijuana is a border City) . Our main LOL difference has been believe or not the difference in Spanish language and culture between my American/Guatemalan and her Big City Mexican there are differences. But someone from Colombia would probably have a much easier time in like Miami or maybe New York. If your wife is from the big city where you live there is going to be a major difference. One of my family members for example when she comes to visit and stay she prefers Miami over LA because according to her the weather and the kind latinos that are over there are more familiar to her. Oh and regardless of how nice the cities are pretty much all of Latin America is third world just look at the disparity in what someone can make and average earning per household. My suggestion honestly take a vacation together to NY or Miami let her see there is allot more to the USA there is rich cultural diversity across the states that at first glance is not readily apparent.

Edited by ayceman
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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
Timeline

Mrs. T-B. said that her Latina classmates in her English class were uniformly envious that she was married to a gringo and could thus practice and be coached on her English.

Depression is not fun. Keep her around positive people and productive activities, as you seem intent on doing.

Tell her that someone whom she doesn't even know (= me) gives her a standing ovation for her principled rejection of machista behavior. It takes a very strong chica indeed to stick to her guns like that. Mrs. T-B. would be proud of her, too.

Your concerns are an indication of your awareness, previous guidance, and love for her. I'm betting that all will be well.

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Filed: Other Country: Colombia
Timeline

So my wife is from Medellin. I do have to say it has been quite an adjustment for her. January 23, 2016 will be a year since she's been here and not been back. And she still finds that the "food tastes different" and that "people work too much". Fortunately for me, my family is of Mexican descent and most us (including me) speak fluent Spanish. My wife fell in love with my mom and dad and grandmother. They made her feel at home. I also helped her parents get tourist visas and paid for them to come and visit. They stayed with us for 2 months over the summer. That helped a TON. Not sure if it is feasible for you...but you might try having a family member come visit. I know that with my wife...her family was worried about her being here alone...and her mother kept conveying that message. That fanned her anxiety because her mom was anxious. But, after the visit they told her that they know she is in good hands and the calls home are very positive. In fact, they can't wait to come back to visit.

But I think earlier points other forum members made about encouraging your spouse to stretch her wings and go to classes and interact with other Spanish speakers is a great way to calm the transition anxiety. My wife has been doing that now for about 3 months and has made new friends, goes out to lunch, gotten her DL and drives herself to school and knows her way around. All and all...I think time will take care of most of it. But the important thing is to not give up or give in to frustration. You made a decision...and it is worth giving it a truly fair shot to succeed. Best of luck!

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