What would you do?

[Kiwinyc 62]

Someone else said it much better than me:

Breakups hurt, but losing someone who doesn't respect and appreciate you is actually a gain, not a loss.

[Lindac 3]

Thanks, everyone, for your opinions and advice.

I've decided to give myself some time alone to think this through so I can make a right decision, hopefully.

I wish you all a very nice weekend.

[mamaSue 38]

Iloveher.....just a thought....

When you said you 'met' her was it in 'real life', or just online??

The reason I'm asking is because an online persona is often totally different to the real person...I know from experience.

I also know that, if she's cheating on both you and the other woman.....you'll probably never be able to trust her....

Why would you invest so much in someone who you can't trust?

When I found my ex-husband of 25 years was cheating on me with his best friend's wife for 2 years....I immediately dumped him...For my own selfish reason, the fact that I could probably never trust him again....and I didn't deserve or want to live the rest of my life wondering if I can trust him.

I had a hard time at first....really hard...then I had 5 very happy years on my own....Now, for the last 8 years, I've been

married to my true soulmate!

I guess, what I'm trying to say is...If she's untrustworthy now.....she'll probably never change.

Try to move on... and find somebody who really deserves your love.

[user19000 18]

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Edited June 21, 2014 by user19000

[Lindac 3]

Iloveher.....just a thought....

When you said you 'met' her was it in 'real life', or just online??

The reason I'm asking is because an online persona is often totally different to the real person...I know from experience.

I also know that, if she's cheating on both you and the other woman.....you'll probably never be able to trust her....

Why would you invest so much in someone who you can't trust?

When I found my ex-husband of 25 years was cheating on me with his best friend's wife for 2 years....I immediately dumped him...For my own selfish reason, the fact that I could probably never trust him again....and I didn't deserve or want to live the rest of my life wondering if I can trust him.

I had a hard time at first....really hard...then I had 5 very happy years on my own....Now, for the last 8 years, I've been

married to my true soulmate!

I guess, what I'm trying to say is...If she's untrustworthy now.....she'll probably never change.

Try to move on... and find somebody who really deserves your love.

I met her in real life but after that most of the relationship is long distance. We were to travel together to a third country. Tickets purchased, hotels booked. Now I’m afraid all the money, plans, and hope were wasted.

She's sweet, very sweet, and agreeable, and caring. We never really argued about anything, until now.

And her family are nice people too, so nice that sometimes I think I'd rather hurt myself than hurt them.

But her lifestyle is a little bit complicated. She had a domestic partner who she lived with for many years. One day her partner took a 20-something co-worker home, the girl I mentioned above. My (would-be) girlfriend fooled around with the young girl behind her partner’s back. They went on like that for about 1 year. My girlfriend then kicked her partner out, but right then the young girl dumped her to return to her ex-girlfriend. As she was hurting she slept with some of her male friends, who she’s still hanging out with. The whole story was a mess. (I know homophobes will feed off this to bash gay people, despite the fact that in their life they’ve done things that are even more terrible.)

I didn't learn about that until after I had fallen in love with her. I wouldn't condone but it was her past.

She and her two exes were heavy drinkers. I never said anything about her drinking but since she was with me she has rarely drunk any more. I believe she doesn’t because I could just tell if she was drunk, even from a distance. She has been trying to lose weight even though I wouldn’t care if she were 200 pounds, I mean the looks, I would love for her to be healthy, though.

I know she’s doing all those because of me. And there are many many other things, smart or silly, she has done for me, which nobody would do for someone they don’t really care for.

So I think I have brought out the best in her.

No one is perfect. She has issues but I can tolerate most of them just as she tolerates mine. And people with issues deserve to have a relationship too, as far as both are happy.

But the lying thing…That’s another story. I don’t think I can ever get over that. One minute I think I can suck it up and let it go, but the next moment I feel so sad, I feel like the most stupid fool in the world, then I get angry at myself for having trusted her instead of trusting my guts.

[Pooky 3,874]

But her lifestyle is a little bit complicated.

You're not kidding!

However, the backstory about how she met her ex- only serves to underline her untrustworthiness. She appears to have a distinct lack of respect for other people. Combined with the lying, I have to agree with the majority opinion here. You don't trust her now and, with her relationship record, I doubt you ever will. That is no foundation on which to base a life together.

Look after yourself. Move on.

[Darnell 8,479]

my first thought? You are just the rebound girl.

Sorry for all your pain You deserve better.

I concur.

Dump her and move on.

Proximity is useful for her - you are not physically there.

[mamaSue 38]

However, the backstory about how she met her ex- only serves to underline her untrustworthiness. She appears to have a distinct lack of respect for other people. Combined with the lying, I have to agree with the majority opinion here. You don't trust her now and, with her relationship record, I doubt you ever will. That is no foundation on which to base a life together.

Look after yourself. Move on.

So true!!! You sound like such a caring person.....she definitely doesn't deserve you...

It'll be tough to dump her....but just IMHO, you'll never be able to trust her!

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life worrying if ex-husband has died in a car crash, or was just humping his mistress when he was late home. He's ancient history now... but at the time I thought my world had ended. Now, I look back over the years, and dumping him was the best decision I've ever made.

Find yourself a lady who cares about you enough to not lie to you.....there's loads of them out there!!

Also.... any homophobic replies will very quickly be removed by the moderators, they don't put up with any cr*p !!

[Harpa Timsah 13,260]

She sounds like a super needy, selfish person. She wants people to love her, she demands that you tell her you love her, and she keeps whoever in her life as long as they tell her they love her. She needs desperately all these choices and all these people in her life, if someone offers her love she takes it, ignoring all the commitments she has apparently made.

If you continue, she will just do it again, over and over again.

You deserve much better. Good luck to you.

[Lindac 3]

I kind of have a fright right now. She’s been calling and messaging. I didn’t take the calls but I read the messages. She said she was going to quit her job and come to me. I know that’s not just an idle threat.

I can’t be responsible for that. She has been working all her life in the UK, if she continues until she reaches retirement age she can claim pensions. If she takes 6 months off to come to the US, I don’t think she’ll be able to get her job back. As I said earlier I’m not going to petition for her and she’s not asking me to either. She won’t be allowed to work here in the States as a visitor. Even if she were I don’t know if she could find a decent job, or any job at all, considering her age, her field and where I live.

If I were not going to school, I’d move there and if things didn’t work out I’d still have time to come back and start all over. But her, I don’t know…There are her family and her friends who know about us. What would I tell them?

[mamaSue 38]

Chances are, she could only come for 90 days, on the VWP. It's very doubtful she's get a B2 visitor visa.

She won't be able to work....and even if she decides to overstay the 90 days, as you rightly say, she won't be able to work anyway.

You're very smart not petitioning for her...If you do, you'll be financially responsible for her for a very long time... whether

You're thinking with your brain and not your heart right now.... always a good thing.If I were in your boots right now, I'd block her from my phone, my computer, and my heart, and even though it'd hurt for a while, you'd be in a much better position to make a decision.

Right now, she seems to be keeping you dangling in case she can't get with the other woman. Totally selfish and inconsiderate, as well as dishonest.

You really deserve better!!

[Lindac 3]

It's a shame that I have to break it off. She's not a bad person. Her friends love her, her neighbors like her; so do her co-workers. Her family are all very close to her. They like me too and they want her to be happy.

I'm feeling lost.

Thank you for your opinion and advice.

[Karmalicious 60]

This is one of the few things that even the people you love the most cannot help you with... no matter how one wants to. It's something that you must endure second by second, then minute by minute, etc until one day you realize you can't remember the last time you thought about her. It hurts like crazy and you bargain with yourself and consider different situations and there are many what ifs. It is one of the most difficult and painful situations we all experience and you will get through it, I promise.

I can honestly relate to most of what you said happened to you. You are still used to the feelings you felt before you found out. You were happy and looking forward to the future and everything was ok then in just a few minutes something happened (you found out) that changed everything. You don't want it to be true, you don't want to lose the life you had BEFORE you keep trying to figure out what you can do so things can go back to the way they were BEFORE. You could forgive everything, even the lies but things will never be the same as they were before. I suppose there could be some people that could block out the entire nightmare but I'm not sure there are many and even fewer that the second chance was successful but this is only my opinion.

I wish I could offer you more comfort but I believe the best thing I can do is share the way I chose to look at ended relationships. I could never risk my heart or risk it from time to time... get through the hurt, try and learn something from it and try again.

One of the best lessons in life I have learned is to be happy with the way things are and not sad for what they were not.

You're still very young, get through this and then be happy for the time you had with her and that you learned what you needed to know before it was too late.

You'll be fine soon, I promise. Rock on..

[Karmalicious 60]

I forgot to say that there are many people I like but very few that I trust and I'll bet many people feel the same way.

[Lindac 3]

Two days since I last talked to her. It’s extremely hard, but I’ve survived, so far.

Just got a message from her in the evening, 3 am there, informing me that she was at the pub, binge- drank, was “having fun with the guys”.

In March she also went to the pub and took that guy Brian home. Brian is the guy who she had “revenge sex” with after the break-up with the young girl. Brian stayed until the next morning. But she said they were just listening to music while she tried to explain to him that she couldn’t sleep with him any more, because she was gay. I didn’t like it but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. There’s a very fine line between being a caring person and being a control freak.

Today I almost signed into her Facebook. The reason why I have the password is I created that account for her. I wanted to tell her to change the password but then that would involve a lot of communication because she just couldn’t figure out how on her own. Ironically, I got her the computer, the cell phone, made her the Facebook account… just to enable her to flirt with someone else. By the way, I didn’t try to play macho, I got the stuff for her because electronic things are cheaper here in the States than in the UK and she’s not good at high-tech stuff. And as I thought we were a couple anyways, so there shouldn’t be any difference between her money and my money.

I still don’t think she used me for materialistic stuff. It wouldn’t have been worth it and she’s not that type. But things just came too easily and she tended to appreciate them less.

It still hurts, so bad. But I’m also glad from now on her flirting with whom, sleeping with whom, binge-drinking how often is my problem no more.

Fingers crossed that I’ll make it through another day and then another day.