Steps to protect yourself

[daveandlirio 0]

So, I'm an advocate of trusting your partner...you proposed, so you must have developed some pretty strong feelings.

But, I'm also a realist and see that a lot of folks find heartache down the road. That's why I believe, that even with a pure heart filled with love for your partner, there should be prudent steps you can take to protect yourself in the case of being dupped...God forbid. I sort of think of it as marital insurance...kinda like car insurance. We don't expect to total our car after we buy it, but we know things can happen...things can go wrong, so we insure them to minimize the damage should things go awry.

Given that, what type of marital insurance might we employ? Here's a few thoughts...please add yours:

1) Prenuptial Agreement - Especially if you have any property of significant value. Does anyone know if you can legally include the dissolution of the AOS in the case of divorce that is other than the result of abuse by the USC?

2) Separate Bank Accounts - Might be prudent to maintain at least one separate bank account at least for the first couple years.

3) Keep the Deed in Your Name - If you already own a home, you might consider keeping it in just your name.

4) Minimize Joint Credit Accounts - The fewer the shared accounts, the less complicated and potentially damaging the outcome will be if things don't go well.

5) Involve Someone - Allow a loved-one, family member or friend, to be actively involved in your life and witness the type of relationship you have with your spouse. I offer this one because it appears that a lot of the spouses who are abusing the system follow up with claims of abuse in order to maximize exploitation. If you have people who have seen how you relate to one another, it may help should that terrible scenario ever surface.

Now for my disclaimer: Some might say that this approach is too restrictive, controlling, unloving and a recipe for disaster. They may even suggest that it would actually BUILD distrust. I don't argue that point...to each his own. I'm just offering ideas on how one might protect themself from potential disaster. If you feel any of the ideas might work for you, I'd suggest explaining it to your fiancee and getting their input.

Okay...fire away with the comments...good and bad.

[rob&ana 0]

Dave:

I think this is definitely a topic that we all should think about and discuss with our loved ones, even though we might not like it. And it is not only with/for couples where one is an immigrant. This is the way people should walk into marriage, with their eyes wide open, because nothing is certain in this world, and nothing lasts for ever (as much as we hope it does - and Im not talking about people being duped, or about cheating... it could be simply death), and it might sound cynical, but finances are a critical part of marriage.

The only recommendation I have, is that you discuss this in advance with your loved ones, dont drop the bomb a few days before them coming, or like someone did here, drop it close to the 90 days expiration after someone left their entire life behind.

Good luck!

[ceriserose 1]

So, I'm an advocate of trusting your partner...you proposed, so you must have developed some pretty strong feelings.

But, I'm also a realist and see that a lot of folks find heartache down the road. That's why I believe, that even with a pure heart filled with love for your partner, there should be prudent steps you can take to protect yourself in the case of being dupped...God forbid. I sort of think of it as marital insurance...kinda like car insurance. We don't expect to total our car after we buy it, but we know things can happen...things can go wrong, so we insure them to minimize the damage should things go awry.

Given that, what type of marital insurance might we employ? Here's a few thoughts...please add yours:

1) Prenuptial Agreement - Especially if you have any property of significant value. Does anyone know if you can legally include the dissolution of the AOS in the case of divorce that is other than the result of abuse by the USC?

2) Separate Bank Accounts - Might be prudent to maintain at least one separate bank account at least for the first couple years.

3) Keep the Deed in Your Name - If you already own a home, you might consider keeping it in just your name.

4) Minimize Joint Credit Accounts - The fewer the shared accounts, the less complicated and potentially damaging the outcome will be if things don't go well.

5) Involve Someone - Allow a loved-one, family member or friend, to be actively involved in your life and witness the type of relationship you have with your spouse. I offer this one because it appears that a lot of the spouses who are abusing the system follow up with claims of abuse in order to maximize exploitation. If you have people who have seen how you relate to one another, it may help should that terrible scenario ever surface.

Now for my disclaimer: Some might say that this approach is too restrictive, controlling, unloving and a recipe for disaster. They may even suggest that it would actually BUILD distrust. I don't argue that point...to each his own. I'm just offering ideas on how one might protect themself from potential disaster. If you feel any of the ideas might work for you, I'd suggest explaining it to your fiancee and getting their input.

Okay...fire away with the comments...good and bad.

You may feel the need to temper this list when you review what they look for in documentation for the AOS interview. Co-mingling of finances is a big one to establish validity of the marriage (like joint bank accounts, both your names on the lease/deed/title, bills coming in both names).

It's important to be careful, yes. But every relationship has risks and trust is what should be laid from the onset. If you're not sure, communicate and evaluate. More than once.

The only recommendation I have, is that you discuss this in advance with your loved ones, dont drop the bomb a few days before them coming, or like someone did here, drop it close to the 90 days expiration after someone left their entire life behind.

Good luck!

I remember that one. That was not pretty.

[kitkat1 5]

I agree with all of those items and think it's very good advice. As long as you have enough to prove co-mingled finances at AOS, it's all good. I also like the idea of one separate bank account - we've been talking about financial issues lately and it's another smart thing to do IMO.

[rob&ana 0]

You may feel the need to temper this list when you review what they look for in documentation for the AOS interview. Co-mingling of finances is a big one to establish validity of the marriage (like joint bank accounts, both your names on the lease/deed/title, bills coming in both names).

It's important to be careful, yes. But every relationship has risks and trust is what should be laid from the onset. If you're not sure, communicate and evaluate. More than once.

The only recommendation I have, is that you discuss this in advance with your loved ones, dont drop the bomb a few days before them coming, or like someone did here, drop it close to the 90 days expiration after someone left their entire life behind.

Good luck!

I remember that one. That was not pretty.

Well... it is true. You definitely need some documentation to prove your relationship (and no, tapes are not allowed!.. - believe me I thought about it!!)

But you could use insurance policies instead of changing the deed, and you can open an account for the home expenses, but keep the rest of your stuff on your name, join a gym, buy a car, that kinda stuff proves your relationship also. I definitely recommend opening the home account and putting the money for the home expenses on it, so when you bring those statements to the interview, they'll see both your names and the names of the utilities companies also. As far as the bills, you will soon find out that it is almost impossible to get the name of the immigrant on the bills (until said immigrant has his/her green card).

Again, it is not a bad train of thought, just dont make it so hard that it sounds like you're not trusting your partner. (Oh, and BTW I am the immigrant, just so people dont get all fired up about USC mistreating their alien fiance(e)s.

[daveandlirio 0]

Good thoughts everyone...I hadn't thought about the proof of co-mingling issue, but I did mean to have at least ONE separate account. I guess it is all about balance and what both parties are comfortable with. I am shocked that we haven't had any nay-sayers yet. Thought this might become a heated topic.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[ceriserose 1]

You may feel the need to temper this list when you review what they look for in documentation for the AOS interview. Co-mingling of finances is a big one to establish validity of the marriage (like joint bank accounts, both your names on the lease/deed/title, bills coming in both names).

It's important to be careful, yes. But every relationship has risks and trust is what should be laid from the onset. If you're not sure, communicate and evaluate. More than once.

The only recommendation I have, is that you discuss this in advance with your loved ones, dont drop the bomb a few days before them coming, or like someone did here, drop it close to the 90 days expiration after someone left their entire life behind.

Good luck!

I remember that one. That was not pretty.

Well... it is true. You definitely need some documentation to prove your relationship (and no, tapes are not allowed!.. - believe me I thought about it!!)

But you could use insurance policies instead of changing the deed, and you can open an account for the home expenses, but keep the rest of your stuff on your name, join a gym, buy a car, that kinda stuff proves your relationship also. I definitely recommend opening the home account and putting the money for the home expenses on it, so when you bring those statements to the interview, they'll see both your names and the names of the utilities companies also. As far as the bills, you will soon find out that it is almost impossible to get the name of the immigrant on the bills (until said immigrant has his/her green card).

Again, it is not a bad train of thought, just dont make it so hard that it sounds like you're not trusting your partner. (Oh, and BTW I am the immigrant, just so people dont get all fired up about USC mistreating their alien fiance(e)s.

Yes, I wasn't disparaging his list...just letting him know in case he was very strict with the divide. It would be a shame for the AOS to go badly or have them scrambling at the last minute because nothing was combined at all.

It is important to be practical. Life isn't all hearts, flowers and romance. That's when the real stuff begins.

ETA: And I'm the immigrant and was able to be added to the utlities no problem before green card. I guess it just depends on with whom you're dealing.

Edited December 27, 2006 by ceriserose

[kontumdiary 0]

Thanks for your thoughts.

So, I'm an advocate of trusting your partner...you proposed, so you must have developed some pretty strong feelings.

But, I'm also a realist and see that a lot of folks find heartache down the road. That's why I believe, that even with a pure heart filled with love for your partner, there should be prudent steps you can take to protect yourself in the case of being dupped...God forbid. I sort of think of it as marital insurance...kinda like car insurance. We don't expect to total our car after we buy it, but we know things can happen...things can go wrong, so we insure them to minimize the damage should things go awry.

Given that, what type of marital insurance might we employ? Here's a few thoughts...please add yours:

1) Prenuptial Agreement - Especially if you have any property of significant value. Does anyone know if you can legally include the dissolution of the AOS in the case of divorce that is other than the result of abuse by the USC?

2) Separate Bank Accounts - Might be prudent to maintain at least one separate bank account at least for the first couple years.

3) Keep the Deed in Your Name - If you already own a home, you might consider keeping it in just your name.

4) Minimize Joint Credit Accounts - The fewer the shared accounts, the less complicated and potentially damaging the outcome will be if things don't go well.

5) Involve Someone - Allow a loved-one, family member or friend, to be actively involved in your life and witness the type of relationship you have with your spouse. I offer this one because it appears that a lot of the spouses who are abusing the system follow up with claims of abuse in order to maximize exploitation. If you have people who have seen how you relate to one another, it may help should that terrible scenario ever surface.

Now for my disclaimer: Some might say that this approach is too restrictive, controlling, unloving and a recipe for disaster. They may even suggest that it would actually BUILD distrust. I don't argue that point...to each his own. I'm just offering ideas on how one might protect themself from potential disaster. If you feel any of the ideas might work for you, I'd suggest explaining it to your fiancee and getting their input.

Okay...fire away with the comments...good and bad.

[rob&ana 0]

ETA: And I'm the immigrant and was able to be added to the utlities no problem before green card. I guess it just depends on with whom you're dealing.

I didnt think you were disparaging his list, I do agree with you. I just wanted to let him know that there were other things that could prove his relationship without using the deed to a home.

And you're also right about being practical, most of us have a long distance relationship, where seeing each other is always kind of a 'vacation', so we dont get a real sense of reality until we're here, and if you're naive enough to think that your life is going to be just 'vacation' then when you come here, reality hits you like a ton of bricks.

I was not able to put my name in any of the utilities when I got here, and then never tried again until after the GC (and buying a home). Actually at the interview, Rob asked the lady, do you know how hard it is to put her name on any of the utilities, and the lady just smiled at us and said that she understood.

I am glad this topic was brought up by a couple still in love (as opposed to couples that are on the verge of breaking) thinking about constructing a future together, and getting things straight before they embark in this venture, that can be really stressing.

[ceriserose 1]

Good thoughts everyone...I hadn't thought about the proof of co-mingling issue, but I did mean to have at least ONE separate account. I guess it is all about balance and what both parties are comfortable with. I am shocked that we haven't had any nay-sayers yet. Thought this might become a heated topic.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Just wait...patience grasshopper. If I know VJ, it will.

[ceriserose 1]

ETA: And I'm the immigrant and was able to be added to the utlities no problem before green card. I guess it just depends on with whom you're dealing.

I didnt think you were disparaging his list, I do agree with you. I just wanted to let him know that there were other things that could prove his relationship without using the deed to a home.

And you're also right about being practical, most of us have a long distance relationship, where seeing each other is always kind of a 'vacation', so we dont get a real sense of reality until we're here, and if you're naive enough to think that your life is going to be just 'vacation' then when you come here, reality hits you like a ton of bricks.

I was not able to put my name in any of the utilities when I got here, and then never tried again until after the GC (and buying a home). Actually at the interview, Rob asked the lady, do you know how hard it is to put her name on any of the utilities, and the lady just smiled at us and said that she understood.

I am glad this topic was brought up by a couple still in love (as opposed to couples that are on the verge of breaking) thinking about constructing a future together, and getting things straight before they embark in this venture, that can be really stressing.

Yup, when the vacation is over, day to day can be a great big learning curve. But fun!

[William33 110]

I think the original precautions smack of a defeatist attitude, especially at the outset of a marital relationship. Does trust not matter anymore?

I went in 100%, as did my wife. No restrictions, no agreements, no BS. However, we lived together for a long time. For those who really don't know their SO, perhaps that is different.

If one has this much doubt, this early on, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

[Yodrak 7]

daveandlirio,

The I-864 is a contract between the Sponsor and the US government. It is outside the realm of a divorce court, divorce has no effect on it.

Yodrak

...... Does anyone know if you can legally include the dissolution of the AOS in the case of divorce that is other than the result of abuse by the USC?

.....

[E&K 0]

I think the original precautions smack of a defeatist attitude, especially at the outset of a marital relationship. Does trust not matter anymore?

I went in 100%, as did my wife. No restrictions, no agreements, no BS. However, we lived together for a long time. For those who really don't know their SO, perhaps that is different.

If one has this much doubt, this early on, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Totally agree with William

[kitkat1 5]

I think the original precautions smack of a defeatist attitude, especially at the outset of a marital relationship. Does trust not matter anymore?

I went in 100%, as did my wife. No restrictions, no agreements, no BS. However, we lived together for a long time. For those who really don't know their SO, perhaps that is different.

If one has this much doubt, this early on, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Totally agree with William

Really? I don't think so. Nothing he posted was super strong - just things to think about. I like the idea of a pre-nup to protect BOTH of us since we both own property. I like the idea of separate accounts, not because I don't want to co-mingle money but because it's easier for me to have a "working" account for everyday bills and separate savings accounts that we each already have - not because I want to mix our money. What's mine is his and vice versa but practically speaking, it works well for us. When it comes to deeds, I'd rather keep them separate for now mostly because it's one less thing to deal with. But at the same time, we'll change our beneficiaries on our retirement accounts right away and each draw up new wills.

I guess it comes down to individual comfort levels about money. But I don't think any of these suggestions are precautions or defeatist, at least not in our case. Just makes things easier for us.