The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

Again, I mean people who identify with a cultural background other than simply being an American. I grew up bilingual and Roman Catholic. My ethnic background is just as important as my American nationality. There are women who solely identify as American. These women who solely identify as American and are usually Protestant are often the ones who readily accept Islam and adopt Arab culture.

Where do you live? I live in Brooklyn. Born and raised. Did you know there are mosques with spanish language services? I know because in my borough if ye seek ye shall find.

You do realize you've made yourself into a sideshow rather than a person. This thread shall not stay open much longer because all you are doing is bickering. You have an axe to grind. That is not the fault of anyone on this forum. That is your husband's fault and your fault too [you married him even after he physically abused you??]. Now you're mad that we aren't all joining you in your pity party. Usually insulting a group's significant others isn't a good way to gain a supportive audience. You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last but any somewhat valid points you were trying to make was lost in all your inane arguing. You made a bad choice of a husband and I feel sorry for you but life goes on. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on.

[CommittedBirds 0]

BTW, Sorry for angry responses. I just don't like for people to say I am generalizing. I am simply explaining MY story and about the majority of other stories I have heard about. I spent extensive time in the MENA region and I think I know a thing or two. THE FACT REMAINS NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS.

I agree, but these US women's husbands from MENA, once they go to America, they adopt to the US culture, i don't mean they celebrate thanksgiving or watch super bowl's commercials, they just go with the flow of life there, and they don't convert to their wives' religions, regardless if they practice islam or just are being muslims at heart.

[berber_wife 90]

I'm not sure what you have been hoping to achieve here. No one is going to be warned off by your story. Those who are in unhealthy relationship who could've used your experience will be put off by your hostile attitude and generalizations. Those who are in healthy and happy relationships aren't going to end those relationships because things turned out badly for some stranger on the internet.

And for the record, my boyfriend has compromised on a lot of things during the past ~two years I've known him. But I'm not going to give specific examples because you'll probably dismiss those as "he's just telling you what you want to hear."

[RFQ 110]

OP- seriously, it sucks majorly that you had to encounter that. I truly am sorry what rats men can be.

The truth of the matter is, I hear horrible In-Law stories from women across the globe. I hear abusive men stories from women across the globe. Your generalizations are fairly offensive but given your pain, I am understanding enough to forgive an angry misguided rant.

[Nasturtium 500]

BTW, Sorry for angry responses. I just don't like for people to say I am generalizing. I am simply explaining MY story and about the majority of other stories I have heard about. I spent extensive time in the MENA region and I think I know a thing or two. THE FACT REMAINS NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS.

I have yet to really adopt anything from his culture. I like falafels and hummus. I don't think that constitutes a cultural adaptation. So now that we've disproven your hypothesis, what's next?

[sandinista! 1,816]

I have yet to really adopt anything from his culture. I like falafels and hummus. I don't think that constitutes a cultural adaptation. So now that we've disproven your hypothesis, what's next?

Will he eat burritos, or listen to Sublime? Those may cancel out any and all falafel.

[Nasturtium 500]

Again, I mean people who identify with a cultural background other than simply being an American. I grew up bilingual and Roman Catholic. My ethnic background is just as important as my American nationality. There are women who solely identify as American. These women who solely identify as American and are usually Protestant are often the ones who readily accept Islam and adopt Arab culture.

Identity as an American is a cultural identity. It sounds like you just don't believe American culture is worthwhile and that other cultures are superior to it. Anecdotally, btw, most of the women I know who adopted Arab culture and/or Islam were Catholic. I don't consider my anecdotal evidence to be particularly something I would toss out as a surefire fact. I also wouldn't generalize from it and make a statement that all Catholics are wishy-washy people who don't care about culture or religion and are on a search for something more. I certainly wouldn't pidgeonhole a singular ethnic group of people attached to Catholicism and then decide they all were spineless. I don't think bilingualism saves people.

Yes, there are people who weirdly have to become absorbed in their spouse's culture/religion/etc. There are also people who have their identity absorbed by their kids, their jobs, or whatever else. That is a personality trait. It is not dependent on your genetic code, religious dogma, or lingual abilities. That's what it seems like you don't understand. For those people on the board who are technically WASP, you just insulted the blanket lot of them by saying they are unable to control themselves. Thta's kind of sucky. I think what would have been a better critique would have been people not watching for warning signs, not loosing themselves in someone else, and being more educated about what they are getting into. It seems like that is the more of what you may have been going for in a way?

[Nasturtium 500]

Will he eat burritos, or listen to Sublime? Those may cancel out any and all falafel.

He does like to eat burritos, but he doesn't liek to read about OJ. He doesn't want to get a headrush, so he often decides to not get out of bed.

So I think we have a half-cancel.

Oh but wait, no, we need to add like some serious non-American points on to him because he told me his favorite singer is Michael Bolton. I mean really. OMG. Michael Bolton gives you like +1000000 non-American points I think.

[sandinista! 1,816]

My father converted my husband into a Neil Young fan, though my husband already liked CSNY. But, nary an arabic song to be found on my day's iPod, go figure.

[sandinista! 1,816]

this Michael Bolton think makes me to stage an intervention though.

[Nasturtium 500]

My father converted my husband into a Neil Young fan, though my husband already liked CSNY. But, nary an arabic song to be found on my day's iPod, go figure.

But does he want to go and party? Does he want to shoot the pier? Does he want to take the doggie for a walk, or look at naked chicks and drink beer?

this Michael Bolton think makes me to stage an intervention though.

No kidding.

[sandinista! 1,816]

But does he want to go and party? Does he want to shoot the pier? Does he want to take the doggie for a walk, or look at naked chicks and drink beer?

No, he just wants burritos. Veggie, please.

[sandinista! 1,816]

No, he just wants burritos. Veggie, please.

But he did have to wrench on a car today, even though he didn't wanna.

[Nasturtium 500]

But he did have to wrench on a car today, even though he didn't wanna.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do... like clean up dog poop or get out of bed today. You just have to keep on skankin' the night away.

Veggie burritoes= awesome.

[SaharaSunset 165]

Wow, nice sarcasm. I guess that comment got you where it hurts. Actually, I hold a masters in international relations. I took many comparative political classes focusing on topics such as gender in different societies. We can't deny that while each person's individual culture is multi layered, there are also many cultural norms that are widespread. I bet about 90 percent of MENA men who marry Western women they meet online and/or on vacation are men who can't easily marry or secure employment in their own countries. The women in their countries know better than to get involved with them because these guys either come from shady families, have shady pasts, or do not have the means to pay for a wedding and/or housing and dowry as is expected in most MENA countries. Also, can you honestly say that if you hadn't accepted Islam, your husband would have allowed you to raise kids as non Muslims??? Would he even accept them to be raised in any religion, but leaning more towards your culture rather than the Arab culture? I can almost guarantee the answer.

Although your degree in International Relations, is no doubt as impressive as the fact that you were "an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention and did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man" - your knowledge about the demographics of Islam is not so impressive. In point of fact, only about 15% of Muslims are Arab. So the correlations you keep making with Islam and Arab culture is, quite frankly, rather ignorant to the breadth of Islamic culture. It appears that you are basing the vast and sweeping generalizations regarding Islam, (and your obvious disdain for "non-ethnic white girls" raising their children as Muslims,) on a classically ignorant stereotype that all Muslims must be Arab. A rookie mistake for a Master in International Relations.

And for all your degrees, in continuing to make correlations with MENA men and Arab culture, you seem surprisingly unaware that there are entire ethnic groups in the MENA region that are not even Arab....and there are plenty of women here that are married to non-Arab MENA men. The Berbers for example, are not Arab, and make up a good percentage of the actual ehnic make-up of North Africa. Iranians are not Arab. So clumping all men in this region into the Arab ethnicity and culture shows, yet again, a lack of real understanding about the region you claim to have such insight into.

And that's to say nothing of the nonsense of stereotyping ANY ethnic group in its entirety, period. The Arabic "cultural norms" you claim to understand, are in reality, so diverse and varied depending on the country, its ridiculous to suggest that your isolated experience with an Arab from Lebanon gives you insight into all Arabic men. Its like someone marrying a guy from the Southern U.S. claiming to understand how all American men behave. Its totally different in different regions, families etc.

Clearly you have a lot more internal healing to do. You may want to start by forgiving yourself for being duped by the lowlife you married. Railing on MENA men is only a temporary fix. Once you stop blaming everything else, you can own your part in the disaster, and realize you were too young to see the screaming red flags (for any relationship, MENA or not). I think only then can you forgive yourself, and forget him, and stop letting this relationship poison your life. And I know, you are over it already. But the fury with which you write would suggest otherwise. Best wishes in your journey.

Edited July 21, 2013 by SaharaSunset