What's the reaction to your marriage

[davenjanet 22]

This is my first posting and I hope the topic isn't too controversial. I just filed my forms (YAH!!) and now the wait begins. Great information here and I am sure I will be using this place lots in the future.

But my question is for those who have completed the process and married their fiances and are living in the US - what kind of reaction have you received? I know even at this point I have gotten comments already. Back in Leyte, so has my fiancee. Mostly they are good natured, but still have a bit of an edge and a judgment to them.

I am too old to really worry about what people think about me but am a bit worried about my fiancé, although she seems more calm and mature about this than I do. I mostly want to have a nice supportive group of Phil-Am couples that we can interact with.

And like some others we have the doubles issues of a different culture and a considerable age gap, both of which I know can cause judgments.

However, I have noticed that even some people who have gone though the process successfully have some weird attitudes about others and I have already read comments about poor desperate Filipinas and old lecherous American men

I am sure we can handle whatever reaction we get, but just wanted to know what the experience has been like for you and what sort of support system you have been able to develop.

Thanks!

[Tahoma 2,291]

It looks like we're going to have another one of those threads.

[adiiann 163]

It looks like we're going to have another one of those threads.

I bet. .:-D

[Darnell 8,478]

Well, you just joined this week, but I must to ask -

Have you read any of the Darrell Threads? (No, not me, Darnell)

They are truly worth finding (via the advanced search tool, from a PC) and reading...

[JerseyTurnpike 3]

this thread should be fun to watch

[Kevo 69]

My fiance is the same age as me, so I don't have the age gap issue (she's actually 5 months older, so I tease her about being "old" and sometimes call her atey )...but the other issue, marring a flipina - I care about her enough to take a chance and don't care what anyone thinks - relatives included.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Kevo

[Tintin and Mike 127]

I've married another Filipino and we're the same age so no issue there. Whatever issue there was while he was in the Philippines has no bearing in our relationship and just say "mamatay kayo sa inggit (die in envy)" LOL

Good luck on your journey!

[Hank_ 9,173]

Age gap - Culture.... Nothing new here, but for the gawkers that like to slow down to stare at accidents... plus its Saturday... why not.

@ davenjanet

28 years in our case, and like you I am old enough that I don't give a sheee-it about what others think. I got a variety of first reactions from friends and family, but it was only a moment in time... those that are good family & friends embraced our relationship and have been happy for us. Those that have attitude... well there is that rolling donut they can chase.

My wife's family and friends are very happy for her and have always been wonderful.

People give us looks at stores sometimes, I don't notice most times but my wife does... we laugh.

Biggest thing... is acceptance... in your own head. The age gap is weighing in your mind some (maybe?)... let it go... it doesn't matter... seriously it doesn't matter.

Enjoy... be happy!

[JerseyTurnpike 3]

My serious two cents now that I've had my coffee. Everyone relationship is fraught with the issues some internal to the couple, some external. You decide and learn to ignore them, deal with them, or they drive a wedge. At some point the romance wears off enough that you have to consciously decide to make a relationship work.

Very few couples are lucky enough that everything falls into place.

Ok starting to sound cliche here.

[B_J 2,752]

Here's my answer:

We have an age gap of a mere 24 years but maybe my experience can help. When we're in the Philippines, we get a few stares, but that's just because I'm so darned good looking. Here in the US, we get a few stares, but that's just because she's so darned good looking also. We're just a really darned good looking couple.

I'm not so old that I don't care what anybody says. If people have a problem with me or my wife; it does matter to me. And, looking back, there might have been a few family and friends that had doubts in the beginning about a marriage with such a difference in culture and age; but after they got to know her, they understood how lucky I am and how happy we both are. She won everybody over, so there is really no issue. She won everybody over so much, everybody loves her more than me now.

Good luck in your journey and welcome to VJ.

[Psoas10 17]

No problems here, in fact mixed race/ethnicity is very common here. Still there is some stares if the age gap is big or noticeable. Also Portland is pretty liberal, so should be no problems. In fact that area is nice and go beavs.

[davenjanet 22]

Here's my answer:

We have an age gap of a mere 24 years but maybe my experience can help. When we're in the Philippines, we get a few stares, but that's just because I'm so darned good looking. Here in the US, we get a few stares, but that's just because she's so darned good looking also. We're just a really darned good looking couple.

I'm not so old that I don't care what anybody says. If people have a problem with me or my wife; it does matter to me. And, looking back, there might have been a few family and friends that had doubts in the beginning about a marriage with such a difference in culture and age; but after they got to know her, they understood how lucky I am and how happy we both are. She won everybody over, so there is really no issue. She won everybody over so much, everybody loves her more than me now.

Good luck in your journey and welcome to VJ.

Thanks for this. I assume that we will have a similar experience. All my relatives and friends who have gotten to know Janet (mostly online) love her.

Obviously I was exaggerating when I implied that I won't care at all what reaction we get. At some level I will care, though less that I might have when I was younger. I have already been in an interracial marriage, so I do have some experience as to people's reactions, though in that case they were mostly positive. Had it been a generation before the reaction would have been different.

As to the age thing I have already heard plenty of the standard cliches. As a writer and a bit of a smart-####, I am perfectly capable of defending myself verbally and then some; but as a mature man I hold my tongue. I tend to be very open about my life at this point, which wasn't always the case. Post divorce I had a younger gf here locally, tended to feel guilty about it, and hid the relationship from most of my friends. No longer. Janet and I are open on Facebook; most of my friends are supportive, a few aren't. All of Janet's friends seem positive, though she too hears cliched comments about how I must be rich.

I did not mean to stir up a hornet's nest on a lazy weekend. It's genuinely something I have wondered about. I have other friends in Phil-Am relationships, but not in my city. I hope to find a small group of similar couples here. I also have a number of male friends with younger, foreign wives, though they too are scattered all over the globe.

I suppose the bottom line is that this is my problem to work out and I have no doubt I will. Just hoping to get advise about what some of you experienced and how you handled it. But I also well understand if it's a prickly topic (pun intended).

[davenjanet 22]

No problems here, in fact mixed race/ethnicity is very common here. Still there is some stares if the age gap is big or noticeable. Also Portland is pretty liberal, so should be no problems. In fact that area is nice and go beavs.

Go Ducks lol

[rlogan 2,036]

Post divorce I had a younger gf here locally, tended to feel guilty about it, and hid the relationship from most of my friends.

What an insult to your girlfriend. Symptomatic of lacking self esteem too.

I suppose the bottom line is that this is my problem to work out and I have no doubt I will. Just hoping to get advise about what some of you experienced and how you handled it. But I also well understand if it's a prickly topic (pun intended).

There is nothing to defend. It isn't anyone's business to judge. Use this as a way of choosing who your friends are. If they try to use this against you in any way, avoid them.

One of the most ridiculous things about this is after you have scored the home run, the superbowl, the World Cup of Men by bringing home the young, beautiful and dedicated wife - getting all defensive about it. All the marketing glorifying this ideal. The billions of men wishing they had this. And you, coming home with the bacon, the olympic gold medal - start apologizing for it.

Wear it proudly and put it in their face. Any criticism is born of jealously, envy and spite. They'll deny it of course - but just laugh at them when they try to cut you down for it and watch how maddening it is for them.

The two standard put-downs are to make her out to be a prostitute on the one hand, and the victim on the other. She's a prostitute for choosing security. You are victimizing her because of her lack of it prior to meeting you. My tendency has been to say darn right, I'm a dirty old man and I love my little wh**. Because they want you to hang your head in shame, so when you do that they run with their tail between their legs. But none of these are my friends. We've only seen that on the internet where the cowardice of anonymity shields them. They know they are in the wrong.

Edited January 12, 2013 by rlogan

[actob99 156]

In the Philippines, people are down right rude to us. Shouting vulgar expletives on the streets.

Which streets are you walking down?