Life's Harder Moments,..

[jodee 30]

Honestly, some days, I wonder what I did in my previous life, to make me torment my own life here and now with the decisions I make.

Don't get me wrong, not for a minute do I truly regret things I've done, or decisions I've made. I just wonder why, at the stages of life I have been through, I decided to do what I did when I did it and why?

With out going into to much detail, I'll say this. I've been married twice. Married twice to a military member. My first time was hard enough. He only deployed overseas once in the nine years of marriage we spent together. But truly, with all the training and schooling, and others things he had to do, we spent maybe a total of 4 years together. He was away 6-9 months of every year, if you total it all up. So basically, I brought up my kids on my own.

Then, I get married again. Again to a military member. It started as a long distance, online relationship, so before we married, we spent maybe 2 months together in total. 2 months after we married, he deployed to Iraq for a year. Well, luckily, we have had just over 12 months together now, in between 5 months of schooling, and training exercises. Well, next week, he deploys again. For another 12 months. I love him dearly, and could not imagine me being with anybody else. But I wonder, do I subconsciously seek out this sort of life, to punish myself, with their constant absence, am I teaching myself some sort of lesson by seeking loneliness all the time, am I trying to tell myself something?

Just over a month ago, my aunty died. Last year when I went home, I made a point of going to see her. But prior to that, I had not seen her in maybe 10 years. She was not even sick, when I went to see her, it was just something I felt I had to do. Then in August this year, she was diagosed with progressive cancer. They gave her 2 years to live. She lasted only one more month in this world. My main point is, ever since I was old enough, I segregated myself from my immediate family. I was an only child to start with, and used to being on my own, but as a young adult, my sole purpose in life was to further distance myself from my family. So, have I in my current time of life, continued to seek out people to love, at the same time being able to distance myself from them through their choice of work, and what it entails.

Last Christmas, my hubby brought me a kitten. Her name was Phoebe. Phoebe was not 100% well, when we got her, but thought that it was just a kitten thing, and with some antibiotics and lots of love, she would get well. Phoebe was put to sleep and went to kitten heaven, the day before my birthday, just a week and a half ago. Phoebe never got well, we even took her to a university Veterinanrian, seeking out help but to no avail. So the most humane thing we could do for her, was to put her to rest. And now Im hurting.

Im hurting because I knew that she was not well when we got her, and now shes gone. Im hurting because my hubby is about to deploy again, I'm hurting because I lost my Aunt. So I again wonder, did I get Phoebe, knowing that she probably wouldn't get well, knowing I would hurt because she would have to be put to rest. Did I marry again into military knowing, that he would be gone alot, and my heart hurting because he is gone all the time, and did I purposely go and see my Aunt, knowing, that she would not be around much longer?

I sit and think too much, and wonder too much about too many things, But honestly, I have been like this all my life, and know no other way. Am I purposely hurting myself?. Who knows?

Ya know, I dont think I fully understand my purpose in life yet.

But I feel better being able to put this out there. And before anyone asks, I am NOT depressed, just confused about my direction in life, if that makes sense.

Jodee

Edited October 27, 2006 by jodee

[Reba 2]

I often wonder the same things myself Jodee. Why do any of us do the things we do? Are we all just cogs in a machine, going on with our lives with no say in the matter, or are we master of our destinies.

The "what if" game isn't much fun tho.

[ace13 0]

I always find that praying helps. If you are into that sort of thing. I find real peace when it seems there isn't any or any explaination for what happens in this world.

[ceriserose 1]

I'm sorry for your losses.

The questions you're asking yourself are similar to the ones I pondered after a series of losses that left me grieving hard (and still do when I have to deal with even small loss). I think it's quite normal to try to make sense of our own path when someone else's is gone.

I came to some conclusions for myself on the matter...namely that I wasn't going to live my life dealing with regrets, so that when I made a decision (even if it seemed I was in a pattern), I was going to stand by it. It's worked for me so far, even when hindsight shows me that I probably could have made a 'better' choice.

I hope you can 'settle' your mind soon. Be good to yourself.

[MaryandMian 1]

I'm sorry for your losses.

The questions you're asking yourself are similar to the ones I pondered after a series of losses that left me grieving hard (and still do when I have to deal with even small loss). I think it's quite normal to try to make sense of our own path when someone else's is gone.

I came to some conclusions for myself on the matter...namely that I wasn't going to live my life dealing with regrets, so that when I made a decision (even if it seemed I was in a pattern), I was going to stand by it. It's worked for me so far, even when hindsight shows me that I probably could have made a 'better' choice.

I hope you can 'settle' your mind soon. Be good to yourself.

Cerise I agree with every word you told Jodee. I can say that I did question events and came to terms that I had no control over them and have to live life one day at a time and not to dwell on events from the past.

Ya know, I dont think I fully understand my purpose in life yet.

I do not think any one of us really understands we just have to live our lives the best way we can and try to find happiness.

Take care of yourself

Mary

[Fandango 1,440]

I'm sorry you're going thru such a hard time, Jodee....I'm sorry for your losses

[Angelica 0]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the mo' I'm a thinker too....there are consequences to everything we do, sometimes they are very obvious, sometimes not so. In theory if you distance yourself from people you cannot be hurt and you can have an element of control. Doesn't quite work like that tho' eh ? So, what are you getting out of this behaviour ? With me it was people who were "hard work " , I just had to win them over Not wanting to go into personal stuff it was learnt behaviour from my childhood, I got to the stage where I saw a pattern and once I realized what was happening I was able to make a concious decision about what to do in a similar situation. I asked myself what I was getting out of that behaviour, other than frustration and angst.......It was familiar....it might not have been pleasant, but it was familiar , and I felt I knew where I stood in a funny kinda way..that was my payoff. I decided my payoff wasn't worth it and was able to change.

I too wonder what it's all about...we all have to find our own way with no compass or map...Maybe whatever road we take, the destinations the same !! Be kind to yourself

kim

[almaty 19]

...so sorry to my favorite sister jodee.....your friend and brother dean

[Heracles 417]

Life is tough. A lot tougher than I think anyone of us realizes... Unless you live in OC.. Where one has to worry about their next botox appointment..

Even though I have slacked off, I personally listen to Joyce Meyer. She is a preacher who has a more down-to-earth tell it like it is approach..

I also find helping others in need usually takes your mind off stuff like this. It puts a lot of things into perspective.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I'm sorry for what your going through -- I too had a cat named Phoebe.

I suppose like all living things, we all must past and you can not possibly know when that will be -- you can't beat yourself up over it.

I suspect you haven't consciously chosen to be alone, to choose the tough role of a military wife. I suspect you are attracted to a certain kind of man, who happens to be in the military and that the disadvantage of that is that you will have to spend time apart when he is deployed.

I've always thought of life as an struggle uphill -- sometimes you move forward and higher and sometimes you fall back. Sometimes the best you do is to enjoy the scenery on the way.

[Delhiguy 0]

Hi Jodee,

As everyone stated, a lot of us go trhough these same questions a lot of times, I am going through one of those periods myself right now. All I can say is what someones else said to me - "We all make choices, our past tells us about us, so just make plans for the future after learning about yourself, to try and make sure you make the right choices in the future. But sometimes, thigns will just happen, things that one can't do anything about but can only make us stronger, find it in you to let them make you so."

I am sad for you, but also hope you are able to get out of the thought process you are in soon, very soon, praying for you.....

[chri'stina 190]

.......

Ya know, I dont think I fully understand my purpose in life yet.

But I feel better being able to put this out there. And before anyone asks, I am NOT depressed, just confused about my direction in life, if that makes sense.

Jodee

Hi Jodee! *hugs*

I'm sorry you are feeling so down.

It is my opinion that things happen in life for a reason, even if we might not know that reason for awhile.

I will tell you what I read when I read your post...

-That you have built an extreme amount of patience into your life and character, patience which some ppl will never ever know. Patience is a very good thing.

-You may be able to help others going through similar things, and only someone like you who has experienced it will truly know how to help someone in this kind of situation.

-There IS a purpose for all of this that you may not yet know. It may be building characteristics into you that you will need one day for yourself or for someone who really needs help from you.

You know I am a Christian and all, and I do pray a lot, so I will pray for you that you won't feel like you are punishing yourself. God bless you...I personally feel that God is my compass and that I am not lost in this life, even when I may feel confused about what is going on...later on I will look back and say "oh, I get it now..."

Edited October 27, 2006 by stina&suj

[meauxna 15]

Ya know, I dont think I fully understand my purpose in life yet.

Welcome to the party, babe.

I feel ya <hugs>

[jodee 30]

I just wanted to say Thank you, to all of you that took the time to reply. I truly appreciate all of your points of view. This is what I love about this forum. You can put something out there to people, something that is truly important to you, and everyone is there to help.

I love the fact that it is such a diversified group of people here, with that comes a diversified thought process. One thing I did not realise though, is that so many others actually felt and thought similar, at a certain period in their life. It was comforting to read that, I was not the only one, who is still struggling with their purpose. I know I will find out what it is one day.

I know I will eventually feel better about all this. You have all given me things to consider in your advice, that I dont think I would ever of considered or thought of on my own. This time in my life has just become overwhelming for me, too much going on.

I just wanted to say one more thing.

You are woinderful people!

Hugzzzz

Jodee

[matako 0]

If you want to be miserable, marry a military person.

Honestly, some days, I wonder what I did in my previous life, to make me torment my own life here and now with the decisions I make.

Don't get me wrong, not for a minute do I truly regret things I've done, or decisions I've made. I just wonder why, at the stages of life I have been through, I decided to do what I did when I did it and why?

With out going into to much detail, I'll say this. I've been married twice. Married twice to a military member. My first time was hard enough. He only deployed overseas once in the nine years of marriage we spent together. But truly, with all the training and schooling, and others things he had to do, we spent maybe a total of 4 years together. He was away 6-9 months of every year, if you total it all up. So basically, I brought up my kids on my own.

Then, I get married again. Again to a military member. It started as a long distance, online relationship, so before we married, we spent maybe 2 months together in total. 2 months after we married, he deployed to Iraq for a year. Well, luckily, we have had just over 12 months together now, in between 5 months of schooling, and training exercises. Well, next week, he deploys again. For another 12 months. I love him dearly, and could not imagine me being with anybody else. But I wonder, do I subconsciously seek out this sort of life, to punish myself, with their constant absence, am I teaching myself some sort of lesson by seeking loneliness all the time, am I trying to tell myself something?

Just over a month ago, my aunty died. Last year when I went home, I made a point of going to see her. But prior to that, I had not seen her in maybe 10 years. She was not even sick, when I went to see her, it was just something I felt I had to do. Then in August this year, she was diagosed with progressive cancer. They gave her 2 years to live. She lasted only one more month in this world. My main point is, ever since I was old enough, I segregated myself from my immediate family. I was an only child to start with, and used to being on my own, but as a young adult, my sole purpose in life was to further distance myself from my family. So, have I in my current time of life, continued to seek out people to love, at the same time being able to distance myself from them through their choice of work, and what it entails.

Last Christmas, my hubby brought me a kitten. Her name was Phoebe. Phoebe was not 100% well, when we got her, but thought that it was just a kitten thing, and with some antibiotics and lots of love, she would get well. Phoebe was put to sleep and went to kitten heaven, the day before my birthday, just a week and a half ago. Phoebe never got well, we even took her to a university Veterinanrian, seeking out help but to no avail. So the most humane thing we could do for her, was to put her to rest. And now Im hurting.

Im hurting because I knew that she was not well when we got her, and now shes gone. Im hurting because my hubby is about to deploy again, I'm hurting because I lost my Aunt. So I again wonder, did I get Phoebe, knowing that she probably wouldn't get well, knowing I would hurt because she would have to be put to rest. Did I marry again into military knowing, that he would be gone alot, and my heart hurting because he is gone all the time, and did I purposely go and see my Aunt, knowing, that she would not be around much longer?

I sit and think too much, and wonder too much about too many things, But honestly, I have been like this all my life, and know no other way. Am I purposely hurting myself?. Who knows?

Ya know, I dont think I fully understand my purpose in life yet.

But I feel better being able to put this out there. And before anyone asks, I am NOT depressed, just confused about my direction in life, if that makes sense.

Jodee