Finding a new "inner voice"

[NY_BX 397]

I will share my experience with you and then pose a 'question.'

So my now husband has been here a little over 6 months; married 5. I knew about his beliefs and views ever since we met, but, I must say I was skeptical about them. The idiot in me (there... I called myself an idiot) said he has this belief system out on theory, which is fine, but what about in practice? How will he react when he is exposed to... well, New York (if you know what I mean)? The thought was based on the fact that he's never been in an airplane before, let alone have been out of Egypt.... ever. So, from his norm to my norm is a whole universe.... literally.

See? we can all discuss our own personal politics; our norms, customs, beliefs.... whatever. But is another thing to live these ideals, outside of either being an activist, a politician or a religious leader. And that somewhat concerned me, not to the point of being sleeplessly worried, but I wanted him to be comfortable, even though the shock value was inevitable.

Ok, so I will share with you 2 experiences: one romantic and one funny.

1) Romantic: I have a very good friend who's a director at Columbia University; a doctor and filmmaker with whom I collaborate a lot. She was incredibly happy about us and our wedding. She gave us a big wedding gift and excused herself because she had to go to Spain for a conference that exact weekend. Upon her return she invited us over for a 'family' dinner: us, her partner and 2 more friends. My husband was very happy to finally meet her. I bought 2 bottles of wine and so we went. We were having the greatest time! My husband was telling them everything about Egypt and my friend was teaching him how to cook the meal and, well, it was a fantastic time. 3 Hours into the feast, her partner says something about Cuba and her father. My husband responds something to what she replies "we've been together for 20 years, married 1." There you go, the big reveal: a lesbian couple. I was so embarrassed at my stupidity because I knew I was judging him unnecessarily! I thought he was going to... not even blink, or gasp. Instead, he said 'congratulations!' Then he looks at me and says 'we should learn from them.' My friend's partner brings out the wedding album and my husband loved it so much he even had opinions over their dresses! Then, the other male friend in the group says 'well, someone needs to find me a husband!' My husband laughs and says 'sorry, can't help you, but if I find one I'll tell her (pointing at me) and she can connect you!'

On our way home he tells me: 'I wish people in Egypt open their minds. I simply saw two women with a lot of love, period.'

2)Funny: Some of you may already know my line of work.... arts & entertainment This night was 'entertaining' let me tell you. My friend had a big concert in Prospect Park this past July. I am helping his band.. and the band is no other than the controversial Calle 13. Anyways, I'm there, sweating bullets, trying to control to copious amounts of alcohol consumed by people that are supposed to be working. Look, making a long story short, I was not happy. No press room, no green room, no water, no people were tuning during sound check, producers were rude, it was a damn mess. I was about to crash a guitar BEFORE the concert! But my husband?, oh no no no! He was on a couch surrounded by the rest of the band. They were asking him to translate subversive verses into Arabic. He was lecturing them about Egypt's education and they were explaining what was going on in Latin America and how they met with leaders at the United Nations... and how they collaborated with Rage Against.... I left at that part to scream at other people. When I return, I kid you not, my husband is shirtless- again, shirtless- dancing to some of their songs (now we're on sound check) which he clearly doesn't understand as the repertoire is in Spanish. But hey, I think I was out long enough for him to be provided with proper translation of the lyrics. He looks at me all happy, while I have mascara down to my lips and hair like a porcupine and says ' I told them to come home tomorrow for dinner.' I said 'and who's gonna cook?' Then he says 'no, listen, they're gonna involve me in a new campaign.' I swear his face lite up like a Christmas tree. The scene was straight out of South Park. Now, they all call him Egipcio.

With these stories, and more, I can tell he is adjusting well. What surprises me is, not just the acceptance of an open and free mindset, but how fast he has embraced it.

Did anyone experienced this? Has anyone been surprised by a sudden shot of happiness due to a new found freedom of self-expression?

[USA-ALG 63]

Hi,

I am thrilled to know your husband is adjusting very well~! COUNT your blessings!

This is just my two cents worth and am heeding to old adages. Please do not take this personal or consider it offending. I just am giving you another POV on the "OTHER" side of the coin.

Be aware of experiencing "TOO much freedom" can have an adverse effect on a person from a very religiously constrained, limited freedom of expression, and morally tight upbringing of a country...

It's gonna be like an 18 year old child leaving home for the first time and entering the WORLD of "PARTY" University... Fraternization, sorority rush, hazing, PLENTY of fresh meat going around, eye candy, and what not.

I just hope your husband won't hurt you in the process from having too much freedom at hand and not realizing the consequences. If he did hurt you, then please know it may not be intentional and is a part of experiencing this whole new thing - FREEDOM of choices and making decisions.

Am I making sense? I don't expect you to understand... but, I thought it might help giving an alternate POV.

E

[NY_BX 397]

Hi,

I am thrilled to know your husband is adjusting very well~! COUNT your blessings!

This is just my two cents worth and am heeding to old adages. Please do not take this personal or consider it offending. I just am giving you another POV on the "OTHER" side of the coin.

Be aware of experiencing "TOO much freedom" can have an adverse effect on a person from a very religiously constrained, limited freedom of expression, and morally tight upbringing of a country...

It's gonna be like an 18 year old child leaving home for the first time and entering the WORLD of "PARTY" University... Fraternization, sorority rush, hazing, PLENTY of fresh meat going around, eye candy, and what not.

I just hope your husband won't hurt you in the process from having too much freedom at hand and not realizing the consequences. If he did hurt you, then please know it may not be intentional and is a part of experiencing this whole new thing - FREEDOM of choices and making decisions.

Am I making sense? I don't expect you to understand... but, I thought it might help giving an alternate POV.

E

No offense taken! Thank you and I do understand! Yes, of course I thought about the cliché scene of hiding the mini skirt under a london fog coat and then doing the big reveal after leaving the strict dad's home. I am not naive; I've been in 'that side of the universe' for my entire life. I've seen his reaction at naked women scenes on movies or simply women walking on the street leaving little to the imagination. He is very shy and blushes and usually is me who will make a comment of how beautiful she is... for example. I'm the one that has had to adjust my 'too much freedom' not to make him feel uncomfortable. At the same time, I continue to expose him to my reality.

[sweetlymystic 19]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Your Stories!!! So Great!!! I cannot wait to share my world here with Amr.But I must admit...I am worried...but I do know there will not be ONE SINGLE BORING MOMENT

[NY_BX 397]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Your Stories!!! So Great!!! I cannot wait to share my world here with Amr.But I must admit...I am worried...but I do know there will not be ONE SINGLE BORING MOMENT

Thank you. I must admit to be worried as well. The vast majority of my close friends work in this industry and at least half of them are part of the LGBTT community. So I knew there was going to be some shock value, to say the least. He was never a hater, in fact, he's a supporter of gay marriage. But again, this was in theory.

Anyhow, that's only one of many. Another example: all my girlfriends come hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek to say 'hi.' The first time that happened he blushed and looked at me to see if I was jealous. I was hugging and kissing her boyfriend 'hi.' He quickly realized it is a Latin thing

If Amr is open to absorb the differences and embrace them, have all the fun you want. Treasure those moments because whether we like it or not, there are some elements of parenthood when we are faced in situations like this.

By the way, my sisters live in Atlanta.

[Mithra 1,185]

So are you trying to say that your husband was so stifled in Egypt that being accepting of lesbians and taking off his shirt and getting buck wild with a rock band makes him happy? Do you think that all Egyptians and MENA ppl, in general are stifled by cultural norms?

In my personal experience, my husband never had to go to extremes to find happiness after leaving Egypt because he didn't allow himself to be stifled by culture "norms" in Egypt. He's not religious so he didn't pray or fast or act all religious just to fit in or make others accept him even while he was still in Egypt. His parents weren't exactly thrilled but it didn't stop him from living authentically. He had relationships with women prior to meeting me. He partook in alcohol and other substances as a teen just like people in the US (not all but you get what I mean). This is also a man who never left Egypt, wasn't raised in a big city, never went on an airplane, etc. He was raised on a farm in BFE (literally). I don't find him progressive because he did things out of the norm in Egypt. That's just him. About lesbians - my closest friend in high school is a lesbian. We've been invited to her wedding and he's cool with going. I don't think he's super special or progressive with being cool with it...he's just a laid back guy who does his own thing and likes what he likes regardless of what others expect of him.

So to answer your question, no my husband hasn't had a sudden "shot" of happiness due to new found freedom. He's always been free.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Mithra

[NY_BX 397]

So are you trying to say that your husband was so stifled in Egypt that being accepting of lesbians and taking off his shirt and getting buck wild with a rock band makes him happy? Do you think that all Egyptians and MENA ppl, in general are stifled by cultural norms?

In my personal experience, my husband never had to go to extremes to find happiness after leaving Egypt because he didn't allow himself to be stifled by culture "norms" in Egypt. He's not religious so he didn't pray or fast or act all religious just to fit in or make others accept him even while he was still in Egypt. His parents weren't exactly thrilled but it didn't stop him from living authentically. He had relationships with women prior to meeting me. He partook in alcohol and other substances as a teen just like people in the US (not all but you get what I mean). This is also a man who never left Egypt, wasn't raised in a big city, never went on an airplane, etc. He was raised on a farm in BFE (literally). I don't find him progressive because he did things out of the norm in Egypt. That's just him. About lesbians - my closest friend in high school is a lesbian. We've been invited to her wedding and he's cool with going. I don't think he's super special or progressive with being cool with it...he's just a laid back guy who does his own thing and likes what he likes regardless of what others expect of him.

So to answer your question, no my husband hasn't had a sudden "shot" of happiness due to new found freedom. He's always been free.

To answer your first question- No. I never thought taking his shirt off made him happy or was a bout of freedom. That was just a funny moment for me to witness... that's all.

To your 2nd question- No. I don't think all MENA people are stifled by cultural norms. That's not what I meant. I just said, it is a different culture.

In fact, it is pretty much your personal experience as well, which by the way is fantastic! There again, different from you I was an idiot, I admit it. This is not about Egypt or MENA people, it is about him as an immigrant entering a new 'universe.' I've read many stories here on VJ where people are homesick or can't relate to the community they actually live in... and those stories come from all over the world.

Congratulations to your best friend! Enjoy their wedding!

[sweetlymystic 19]

Thank you. I must admit to be worried as well. The vast majority of my close friends work in this industry and at least half of them are part of the LGBTT community. So I knew there was going to be some shock value, to say the least. He was never a hater, in fact, he's a supporter of gay marriage. But again, this was in theory.

Anyhow, that's only one of many. Another example: all my girlfriends come hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek to say 'hi.' The first time that happened he blushed and looked at me to see if I was jealous. I was hugging and kissing her boyfriend 'hi.' He quickly realized it is a Latin thing

If Amr is open to absorb the differences and embrace them, have all the fun you want. Treasure those moments because whether we like it or not, there are some elements of parenthood when we are faced in situations like this.

By the way, my sisters live in Atlanta.

hahahaha YESS... deginitely a form of parenthood. I love Atlanta! I am in Gainesville ( north) I actually hope to have his POE be JFK..just so we can have a ROADTRIP back on !!hehehehe..He says women cannot drive good...pssssssssssh This will not be a camel-ride..grab u a helmet and hold on. CAN'T WAIT...It will be soon God Willing

Thank you. I must admit to be worried as well. The vast majority of my close friends work in this industry and at least half of them are part of the LGBTT community. So I knew there was going to be some shock value, to say the least. He was never a hater, in fact, he's a supporter of gay marriage. But again, this was in theory.

Anyhow, that's only one of many. Another example: all my girlfriends come hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek to say 'hi.' The first time that happened he blushed and looked at me to see if I was jealous. I was hugging and kissing her boyfriend 'hi.' He quickly realized it is a Latin thing

If Amr is open to absorb the differences and embrace them, have all the fun you want. Treasure those moments because whether we like it or not, there are some elements of parenthood when we are faced in situations like this.

By the way, my sisters live in Atlan

Thank you. I must admit to be worried as well. The vast majority of my close friends work in this industry and at least half of them are part of the LGBTT community. So I knew there was going to be some shock value, to say the least. He was never a hater, in fact, he's a supporter of gay marriage. But again, this was in theory.

Anyhow, that's only one of many. Another example: all my girlfriends come hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek to say 'hi.' The first time that happened he blushed and looked at me to see if I was jealous. I was hugging and kissing her boyfriend 'hi.' He quickly realized it is a Latin thing

If Amr is open to absorb the differences and embrace them, have all the fun you want. Treasure those moments because whether we like it or not, there are some elements of parenthood when we are faced in situations like this.

By the way, my sisters live in Atlanta.

hahahaha YESS... deginitely a form of parenthood. I love Atlanta! I am in Gainesville ( north) I actually hope to have his POE be JFK..just so we can have a ROADTRIP back on !!hehehehe..He says women cannot drive good...pssssssssssh This will not be a camel-ride..grab u a helmet and hold on. CAN'T WAIT...It will be soon God Willingta.

[Mithra 1,185]

My husband also had some adjustment issues but not related to lifestyle as much as a new person coming to a new place and trying to fit in and find work and adjust to being a stepdad. I believe that all immigrants have some sort of adjustment issues when first coming here. You're not an idiot. It's just that I've observed, from your posts, that you may have thought that most MENA people were stifled somehow or think that our culture is super foreign. Some are, yes but not all. It depends on the individual and what they've been exposed to.

To answer your first question- No. I never thought taking his shirt off made him happy or was a bout of freedom. That was just a funny moment for me to witness... that's all.

To your 2nd question- No. I don't think all MENA people are stifled by cultural norms. That's not what I meant. I just said, it is a different culture.

In fact, it is pretty much your personal experience as well, which by the way is fantastic! There again, different from you I was an idiot, I admit it. This is not about Egypt or MENA people, it is about him as an immigrant entering a new 'universe.' I've read many stories here on VJ where people are homesick or can't relate to the community they actually live in... and those stories come from all over the world.

Congratulations to your best friend! Enjoy their wedding!

[NY_BX 397]

My husband also had some adjustment issues but not related to lifestyle as much as a new person coming to a new place and trying to fit in and find work and adjust to being a stepdad. I believe that all immigrants have some sort of adjustment issues when first coming here. You're not an idiot. It's just that I've observed, from your posts, that you may have thought that most MENA people were stifled somehow or think that our culture is super foreign. Some are, yes but not all. It depends on the individual and what they've been exposed to.

Ummmm, I apologize if I've given the impression that I believe "MENA people" are the opposite end of the spectrum. I personally have zero tolerance to generalizations; as a Puerto Rican- and a woman- I suffer that a lot! So, it is about exposure to a particular individual AND his/her ability to absorb. You're absolutely right!

[tenderheartusa79 14]

Well if you guys are happy because your husbands are adjusting Well ! I just want to tell you that not all of Arab people or even Egyptians men are like that .

Who the heck will be happy when he goes to a lesbians house and see some pictures of their wedding ?!! We all know that's against God's law .And its forbidden in Christianity and its forbidden in Islam as well .So i would not be happy and brag about something like this .You should not support something like this .you should not support something against your religion if you care about it .

And to Mithra if your husband does not pray or fast that's on him .And i would not be happy about it .That's not even a good example for a good Muslim man .

Adjustment to USA it does not mean that i will be happy and attend a lesbians wedding ,it does not mean that i will not pray,fast And it does not mean that i will forget about my religion as well .

I guess it means i might be more open minded and stuff like this but i wont do something against my religion .

Edited August 21, 2012 by Hot Guy

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm not happy nor am I disappointed in my husband for not being religious. Whatever makes him comfortable is fine with me. Religiousness is a choice not an obligation IMO. If you're religious, good for you. Don't judge me or my husband for our choices because I surely won't judge you. Remember, God is the most perfect of judges.

[Mithra 1,185]

PS my husband didn't practice religion in his country either. As far as lesbian weddings, there is nothing wrong with supporting a friend and sharing in their happiness regardless of their sexual origin IMO.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I'm just relieved Hot Guy didn't marry NY_BX's husband-OMG, the sparks that would fly!

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I'm just relieved Hot Guy didn't marry NY_BX's husband-OMG, the sparks that would fly!

LOL