Can absence make the heart wander?

[r2d2 0]

Everyone wants to be united with their spouse/significant other as soon as possible. The time involved in the immigration process, for some of us, puts an unnatural and abnormal strain on the marriage/relationship. Unfortunately I am experiencing firsthand the havoc that it can cause on international marriages/engagements.

After many, many months into the immigration process, I am questioning my ability to remain 100% faithful. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take this. I wouldn’t go as far as to have sexual relations with another woman, but seeking the companionship and physical affection of a woman is a tempting reality. This is a temptation and reality that would never have arisen, were it not for the seemingly endless immigration process. I have never been a “player” type of guy who had multiple girlfriends, and have always been monogamous. In a “normal” world, my lover and I would be enjoying each other’s company daily, sleeping together every night, and living happily ever after. However, that is far from the case as we wait, and wait, and wait on her visa.

How many marriages/engagements are failing or becoming significantly weakened due to the immigration-prolonged separation of newlywed/engaged couples? I suspect the ones that don’t make it simply fade into oblivion on discussion boards like this. Few people would want to post the sad news, and face the pain and humiliation on a public forum. Others would simply not make posting a high priority with such devastation going on in their personal life. Of course there are many international couples that don’t even know that discussion boards like this one exist, so we would never have the opportunity to hear from them.

Some people may say, “you chose this path, so just deal with it”. I did choose to be married/engaged to a non-USC, but I didn’t choose the immigration process that separated me from the love of my life for an indeterminate amount of time. Nor did I have a crystal ball to know that we might not be united for a year or more. I was led to believe it would be more like 6 months, after researching VJ and talking with immigration attorneys. Maybe I was just being overly optimistic based on the speedy results of some couples I’ve seen on VJ and elsewhere. I guess it really is true what they say in fine print on the infomercials, “individual results may vary”.

Others may say, “your love just isn’t strong enough”, or that “faithfulness (or unfaithfulness) is a choice”. That all sounds good in theory, and under normal circumstances, I would agree wholeheartedly. However, suppose we were all domestic couples. If we all sought out marriage counselors immediately upon marriage/engagement, how many counselors would tell us that being physically separated from our loved one for months on end would promote bonding, companionship, and faithfulness? The reality is no matter how “strong your love is” initially, or you think it is, its just plain unhealthy for the relationship to be separated from your life partner for an extended length of time.

Some people may also say that, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. If life was really always that simplistic, there would never be divorce after abandonment. In reality, it depends on how long the absence is, and what’s going on with each person during the absence. Given a long enough absence, a companionship void can occur in the relationship that people are tempted to fill with relationships of the opposite sex. An opposite-sex friendship can easily develop into something more and, before you know it, the marriage/engagement is in serious trouble with a spouse/fiancée in a land far, far away.

I expect some people would rather be in denial about these realities, so I expect to get some backlash. Its always more comforting to think that, “this could never happen to us”. That’s exactly what I thought many months ago, as I pledged my undying love to my lady. There’s no way anyone could have paid me to think that I would be having doubts about my relationship like I am now. If anyone can identify with what I am saying, please create a separate, anonymous login, and/or send me an email in response. I know those suffering in their relationship would prefer not to make it publicly known.

In any event, I have sincere hope that all of our marriages/engagements would be strong enough to deal victoriously with the prolonged physical separation thrust upon us by the cruel immigration process. Congratulations to all those who have remained faithful during this process, and eventually been united with their soulmates. Please pray for me and my lady, and for all the other couples who may be struggling with this issue.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Everyone wants to be united with their spouse/significant other as soon as possible. The time involved in the immigration process, for some of us, puts an unnatural and abnormal strain on the marriage/relationship. Unfortunately I am experiencing firsthand the havoc that it can cause on international marriages/engagements.

After many, many months into the immigration process, I am questioning my ability to remain 100% faithful. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take this. I wouldn’t go as far as to have sexual relations with another woman, but seeking the companionship and physical affection of a woman is a tempting reality. This is a temptation and reality that would never have arisen, were it not for the seemingly endless immigration process. I have never been a “player” type of guy who had multiple girlfriends, and have always been monogamous. In a “normal” world, my lover and I would be enjoying each other’s company daily, sleeping together every night, and living happily ever after. However, that is far from the case as we wait, and wait, and wait on her visa.

How many marriages/engagements are failing or becoming significantly weakened due to the immigration-prolonged separation of newlywed/engaged couples? I suspect the ones that don’t make it simply fade into oblivion on discussion boards like this. Few people would want to post the sad news, and face the pain and humiliation on a public forum. Others would simply not make posting a high priority with such devastation going on in their personal life. Of course there are many international couples that don’t even know that discussion boards like this one exist, so we would never have the opportunity to hear from them.

Some people may say, “you chose this path, so just deal with it”. I did choose to be married/engaged to a non-USC, but I didn’t choose the immigration process that separated me from the love of my life for an indeterminate amount of time. Nor did I have a crystal ball to know that we might not be united for a year or more. I was led to believe it would be more like 6 months, after researching VJ and talking with immigration attorneys. Maybe I was just being overly optimistic based on the speedy results of some couples I’ve seen on VJ and elsewhere. I guess it really is true what they say in fine print on the infomercials, “individual results may vary”.

Others may say, “your love just isn’t strong enough”, or that “faithfulness (or unfaithfulness) is a choice”. That all sounds good in theory, and under normal circumstances, I would agree wholeheartedly. However, suppose we were all domestic couples. If we all sought out marriage counselors immediately upon marriage/engagement, how many counselors would tell us that being physically separated from our loved one for months on end would promote bonding, companionship, and faithfulness? The reality is no matter how “strong your love is” initially, or you think it is, its just plain unhealthy for the relationship to be separated from your life partner for an extended length of time.

Some people may also say that, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. If life was really always that simplistic, there would never be divorce after abandonment. In reality, it depends on how long the absence is, and what’s going on with each person during the absence. Given a long enough absence, a companionship void can occur in the relationship that people are tempted to fill with relationships of the opposite sex. An opposite-sex friendship can easily develop into something more and, before you know it, the marriage/engagement is in serious trouble with a spouse/fiancée in a land far, far away.

I expect some people would rather be in denial about these realities, so I expect to get some backlash. Its always more comforting to think that, “this could never happen to us”. That’s exactly what I thought many months ago, as I pledged my undying love to my lady. There’s no way anyone could have paid me to think that I would be having doubts about my relationship like I am now. If anyone can identify with what I am saying, please create a separate, anonymous login, and/or send me an email in response. I know those suffering in their relationship would prefer not to make it publicly known.

In any event, I have sincere hope that all of our marriages/engagements would be strong enough to deal victoriously with the prolonged physical separation thrust upon us by the cruel immigration process. Congratulations to all those who have remained faithful during this process, and eventually been united with their soulmates. Please pray for me and my lady, and for all the other couples who may be struggling with this issue.

Is there no chance you could arrange a reunion with your love in her country?

[PlatyPius 5]

I don't know what to tell you, really. I've never really craved the companionship of a female; only Sian. I had decided to never marry; until I met her. My last "serious" relationship - one where marriage was a real possibility - ended 17 years before I met Sian. So, no....I've never felt the urge to "cheat", seek affection from other women, or anything like that. It's either Sian or nothing for me. And since she will be here in about a month, it looks like it's Sian for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[mybackpages 0]

I think what you are feeling is very normal. It's not a sign of a weak relationship or that you are the one who is weak. Some people are very comfortable with an open relationship when there is along distance relationship and have their own "rules" of what is acceptable or not. Most people. however, would see it as cheating or being unfaithful. But you have to decide what is okay for you and your partner. Just because you have these feelings doesn;t mean you have to act upon it.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

But we're aren't in total absense from our SO, only physically, so what you are saying is the physical aspect is what matters most? I understand it's an important part of a relationship, but there are plenty of relationships where the person may be physically near you, but miles away emotionally. For me, the most important intimacy that I need is the emotional one and she doesn't have to be right beside me for us to have that. Of course I miss wanting to hold her, to kiss her, or to just hold her hand but that is born out of the emotional bond we have, so even if I were to seek out physical comfort in another's arms it wouldn't satisfy what I'm really craving.

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

Edited October 23, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[babybunny 2]

I cant relate. ALL I WANT IS MY BINGO...

[kitkat1 5]

If you cannot visit and be together during this process, can you communicate regularly via skype and webcam? I find that helps tremendously. Perhaps you just need something else to focus on - get out and spend time with friends and keep busy to take your mind off this? Then again, I have no interest in anyone else . . . while I miss my fiance horribly and hate to be apart from him, I could never imagine wanting to turn to another guy. . . . he's the only one for me!

[rebeccajo 14]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

That's exactly what I was thinking.....

It ain't perfect but there's less guilt involved than what you'll have with an affair.

Oh....it doesn't make you go blind. Really....

[heishe 2]

So you're feeling guilty because you'd sorta rather be with someone other than your fiancee. Don't call the rest of us "in denial" because we have no interest in cheating. Being apart is difficult, and some relationships just don't work out, long distance or not. Move on if that's what you want.

Um, but, you know - be strong, you'll get through it, yadda yadda.

[Krikit 1,166]

Tolerance levels vary for everyone. Some factors include age, life experiences, culture, and upbringing. If you are serious in the statement that she is the love of your life, you will not introduce another female into the equation. The repercussions of that would be devastating to not only you and your fiancée, but also to the third party female... as well as every other party connected to each player ... in ways that you could never predict.

Questioning oneself and being aware of temptation is human and normal. It is very natural to crave love and companionship and human touch. The ability to resist that temptation is one of the tacit agreements in an orthodox marriage... whether your life partner is within your physical presence or not.

Yes, the visa process is lengthy. No, I do not judge you or anyone else... I am not in your/their shoes. We each choose our own path. I wish you the best.

[r2d2 0]

So you're feeling guilty because you'd sorta rather be with someone other than your fiancee.

I never said that I would rather be with someone else. I explained in painful detail exactly what I meant to say. Please don't put words in my mouth.

Don't call the rest of us "in denial" because we have no interest in cheating.

Again, please don't put words in my mouth. I chose my words very carefully. I did not make an all-inclusive statement covering "the rest of" anyone.

I clearly said, "I expect some people would rather be in denial about these realities, so I expect to get some backlash." If you don't fit into that category, then obviously the statement didn't apply to you, so there would be no need for you to take offense.

Best wishes on your relationship.

[Mel 0]

Can absence make the heart wander? You ask. For me the answer is no. There is no one that could possibly share the bond my fiance and I have, not even temporarily. He is my only true love. Love goes beyond the physical desires to be intimate. This process is not easy for anyone to deal with, but most of us are aware in the initial stages of our relationships with a non USC that at some point and time this type of separation although temporary is indeed inevitable. When you accept your SO in your life you also accept that there may be this type of challenge in the future. This waiting stage is only temporary (yes it is frustrating too) and in the big picture of things such a small period of time to wait to be with the person who makes life and love make sense. I wish the best for you and yours and hope things work out for you!

[I'm Gone 60]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

That's exactly what I was thinking.....

It ain't perfect but there's less guilt involved than what you'll have with an affair.

Oh....it doesn't make you go blind. Really....

As I said the last time this came up, be considerate and wipe off the phone. No one likes a sticky phone. LOL

[Cristy 4]

It never happened to me. I mean sure there were times when I wished I had a companion with me instead of far away....but I knew it would not be forever.

I second the phone thing. It seems weird until you do it...ok maybe it is weird...but it can be fun and really bring you closer together.

[Caladan 19]

The only man I miss is my fiance. I'm missing the physical connection, don't get me wrong. I need a hug probably more than any woman has ever needed one, and the hug is just the tip of a very horny little iceberg. But I don't want just any hug or any kiss or any drunken sex romp unless it's with him.

I think it's normal, though, to feel very lonely and like you're going crazy and you might just forget how it's supposed to work. But I disagree that it is primarily to do with needing sex and more to do with loneliness and boredom.

Hence, in addition to the webcam, skype and inhibition tossing advice, I'd recommend finding a hobby or sport you can throw yourself into. Burns off some of the excess energy, but more importantly, gives you some non-work non-computer contact with other human beings, and gives you something to talk about when you call your sweetheart.

'Cause if you cheat on her, it will come back to bite you in the ###.