Never Given up before, but its becoming an option

[Philwithlove 17]

Your wife just needs to be assured of your love and shouldnt feel insecure. My husband still has all pictures and letters from his exgfs here in the house. Not hidden although im thinking of burning them. lol. But like my husband, im sentimental and i know its memories from his past since pictures are their times in HS,some are not them alone so i dont attempt to throw or burn them. hehe

I think for a woman not feel insecure is to make her feel more beautiful than your exwife. lol

Actually this works for me.. Even my husband tells me how much he loves me and even make me feel loved, i still felt jealous. I think its normal for girls. I met his ex since they are still friends, but of course the woman is already his age and im 18 yrs younger. I keep telling myself im a filipina, im not only beautiful inside and out but also younger.. hahaha

Before departing in the party of his exgf, the exgf hugged me and whispered "thank you for making him happy" that made me realized im so wrong in getting jealous.

My advice is be open to your wife. Let her listen when you and your ex talk on the phone or even let her answer the phone when your ex calls so she wont get paranoid if you and your ex are talking secrectly or what you guys are talking about. Why not introduce them to each other, they might even be friends which will be good for the two of you and the kids.

[Leatherneck 693]

You got some good advice here, however, nothing will change until your wife develops emotionally and matures well beyond her current level of maturity. The idea of counseling might be the next best approach, it might benefit her to have a third party professional help her to reason through her feelings and her reactions. It might be worth the effort to seek out a Filipino counselor, that way if she is willing to attend a session or two, she'll be able to talk with a professional from her culture and feel she is not getting the American point of view about her behavior, but a professional point of view from someone she can relate to culturally.

Out of control jealousy is unhealthy for all involved, especially where children are involved. I agree that a man and wife are to put each other first - but not at the expense of a child's well being, both physical and emotional.

[KKJJ 16]

My husband have 2 kids with two different ex-gfs, one lives half hour from our town adn kids are here every other weekend but I am happy that we get along well and no problems so far. Since we started dating we are very open to each other and no secrets and I know all about the details of his past. As everyone saying here let your wife know that you talked to your ex-wife, what its about and yeah the less you see or talked to your ex will be a great help. Make her feel loved, sexy, beautiful than everyone else everyday and she will feel better herself. That's what my husband do and I always feel lucky cause of all the girls of his past I am the only one he loved and married to. Aassure her your love and make her feel she is the best you ever had.

[duriantaste 44]

It is business as usual. Most marriages go through little ups and down. You are mature enough to handle this situation. Don't waste your money on Therary.

By the way, I like the way you and your x are handling the divorce situation. I am not a fan of divorce but where there is peace there is love.

[gretchen_darren 67]

lots of advice here. I can honestly say I have gone through what you and monreal are going through. Maybe to a worse degree. I have had several, several, several open talks with Gretchen on what is going on and why I left my ex. I showed her the divorce paperowrk. let her read anything she wanted to on the computer and laying around. I didn't bother hiding anything. I answered her questions. We also talked at the "family's house" about it. I told her EXACTLY WHY I am not with my ex and would never ever go back. She is the mother of 2 of my children. However, she is not someone to trust or to be married to. I was upfront and honest with Gretchen. I also have not hid, or otherwise detracted from Gretchen in anything going on. I have evne let Gretchen know I want her to be part of the fmaily. I do not make anything special or different when the children are there as when the children are not there. I do not treat anyone in the family different. Either you want the food prepared, or you find other food. But you are expected to eat what is made.

Your problem is the ex moving back to town. Monreal needs to know this is not for you. She needs to know from you on a constant basis for a while, you love her. Tell monreal "innibig kita" or "mahal kita". Let her know in her own language how much she means to you. When she goes slinet. Give her a hug and a kiss, tell her you love her. then walk away and wait. If you are sitting on the couch, attempt to pull her close and hold her, but say nothing.

Monreal needs to know why your ex is your ex, and if you did something wrong admit to it. Don't hide any mistakes you made in the past. Just tell her. If you go to drop off the kids or pick them up from ex, take monreal with you. If she chooses not to go, tell her you WANT her to go with you. If you take the children somewhere and might run into your ex, take her WITH you. Don't let her decide. tell her she IS going with you. Meet monreal for her lunch break if you can. Take her to work and drop her off. Be there at home waiting for her and tlak to her. Give up your own time to spend time with Monreal. Let her know she is your love. It is going to take a LOT of effort on your part to get Monreal over this. Get her close cousin involved to help you. Do what you can to work through this. If she is like Gretchen, she is extremely jealous. She won't tell you. But know this fact. Make sure as much as possible to take Monreal with you when you go near your ex. don't give Monreal an out. And don't make plans to see your ex without making sure Monreal can be there as well. Demonstrate you love monreal, and make it plain to all. It is not easy, trust me. I know. It has not been easy for me at all. But I keep on, keeping on. My ex IS "THE HOUND FROM HELL". trust me, there are very, very, very few ex like the one I have. but maybe me desipising my ex so much has helped with Gretchen instead of having a "good relationship" such as you have with your ex. Don't give up and don't quit. If anything find ways to express to monreal how much you love her.

find out what monreal's love language is then use it constantly to tell her you love her.. the 5 love languages are: words of affirmation(praise and kind words), quality time (listening and eye contact, doing nothing but paying attention to them), receiving gifts(making cookies, flowers, drawing a picture, making some hot chocolate, going somewhere special just for the tow of you each week), Acts of service (picking a room, running a sweeper, doing dishes, making a meal, running an errand), Physical touch (holding hands, brushing hair, sitting close watching television, a hug).

[thelastpetitioner 218]

Darren, a talk in length and depth you suggest is not necessary. The problem is OP's wife's current state of mind. She is not secure. She might feel threatened or like she is not good enough for OP. The only thing that can fix that is OPs actions, not words. Women of all color and cultures know the value of actions more so than the words.

[Leatherneck 693]

The OP's wife will need to do her part to fix the problem. The OP is being a father to his children and trying to maintain a stable environment for them, I applaud him for keeping the relationship with the ex civil, for the sake of his kids. The last thing the OP needs is for the ex wife to make things more difficult by exhibiting nasty behavior or attitude.

The only variable that changed was the OP's ex moved back to town. The only way the OP's relationship with the current wife will improve, is when she gets her out of control jealousy under control and matures a great deal.

[FaithHopeLove 3]

whether we like it or not.. ex's will always be an issue! but for your situation I guess your wife should also understand that you & your ex wife still needs to talk for the kid's interest. In the first place she shoud have expected that when he met you. I am also a stepmom.. I understand my stepson's need, they're still young and at their age they are helpless & atill rely on us. On my opinion your wife should give in.. just for the kid's sake.

[Hank_ 9,173]

When Monreal is not in shut down, sit down with her letting her know she is the most important person in your world and ask her what she would suggest as the best way to communicate with your EX as you need to schedule things with the kids. Let her ponder on this and see what she suggests. This is an issue Monreal needs to address and asking for her advice as to the best way to communicate letting her know she is the most important person in your life and you want to find a way to do this with her help.

[duriantaste 44]

I kind of understand Monreal. She is not doing anything wrong. Just a bit jealous perhaps? What bothers her, i think, it is the happy ending between you and your X.

By the way, I will repeat again, where there is peace there is love.

This for you for the happy divorce ending with your x.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

John,

Well... sh!t. This is a difficult challenge. On the surface. (but) IMO, is solvable. Let me start off by stating....1) I think you are good at expressing your POV via written communication. (so) I'm gonna quote a few parts of your op and respond (as how I interpret your meaning). I apologize if I miss the mark of your intent. 2) I'm not confident many people will agree with my pov. (but) Here goes....,

All the way up to about 2 months ago it looked as she adapted well to this new environment and seemed to really catch on to this culture.

This being part of your opening statement and this being part of your closing statement...,

There is a 12 year age differece between me and Monreal, plus a major culture difference. She comes from an Island with no electricity or running water and has never known a divorced family. I blame myself because i did not consider this before we got married.

Makes me think you are using the "American Way" as an argument and leverage in your Fil-Am marriage. It also seems (to me) you are discrediting her feelings / rationale by pointing out infrastructure inadequacies and age difference.

Which is more important...your wife and marriage or the American way of doing things?

Well, a month ago for the first time, my ex-wife has moved to the same town as we are in so she can be close to the kids and be apart of their day to day life. Now, all HELL as broken loose in my home.

Day to day? As in... Day to day? as in... very very often? ....as in..every day

I have had full custody of my kids since the divorce.

I wonder why you were granted full custody. Was this simply logistics settled between you 2 or was it a result of a court order?

I ask because...I wonder if your ex has some negative "history" that might be alarming..in the situation.

When me and Monreal were first introduced by her cousin and my best friend, i told her about my ex-wife and that me and her were friends. Monreal assured me that she did not have any problems with it and she was glad that my two kids had divorced parents that got along.

(but) This was with the distance and contact limitations of your ex living in Texas. Now she is front and center to be involved with the kids (and of course you and your wife) "day to day".

My ex-wife for the first 9 months did not live in oklahoma, she was living in texas. She usually got the kids 3 times a year and alot of the time my mother would be doing the visit exchange with her becasue of my crazy work schedule, so i never got to see my ex-wife very much.

A very comfortable, safe and low threat distance.

My ex-wife for a month now has minded her own business and has not tried to interfer with me and monreals marriage. She has reached out to Monreal and tried to assure her that she is only her to be with her kids and has no intentions of ever trying to win back my heart.

That statement has so many wrong opportunities...too many to list...Why are you letting your ex advise your wife?!!!!

John...dude...seriously...KEEP YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!!!

I have been really suprised as to the Maturity my ex-wife has shown about all of this

DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT EVER COMPLIMENT YOUR EX WIFE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!

Okay...I doubt I will be able to post any more quote boxes. I bet I already hit the limit. I will wing it from here.

I have no doubt your wife is sick and tired of hearing about your ex. She married you. She accepted your kids. It now seems it is becoming a ...you + your ex + the kids...and (maybe..I wrote... maybe)your wife is now.. a tag along. Has she referred to herself as the nanny / housemaid yet? (no...that is not sarcastic..that is a serious question)

Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if her ex husband was the one playing the part of you ex wife? Your kids are their kids? She is the one on the phone with her ex...she is the one talking about her ex "every single" time.

I'm confused. Why does your wife say it's okay to talk with the ex about the kids but then becomes upset? What else are you talking about? Are you joking around? Laughing? Chit chatting? Extending verbal courtesies?

John..I have a lot more to write but...I'm rambling on too much and I'm aware I might be viewed as "screeching on a soapbox".

I will try to sum up...,

#1 Back your ex wife off... completely...until you and your wife resolve this.

#2 Accept the fact...your wife is not happy with the current situation...if your marriage is top priority...time to prove it.

(I will stop here...maybe come back later with a few more thoughts. John...you are one of my VJ buddies...Please don't be upset with my frankness and POV. I'm not trying to harsh you...just stating my POV. I thought to PM this but...well...I think you want responses via this thread.)

[duriantaste 44]

John,

Well... sh!t. This is a difficult challenge. On the surface. (but) IMO, is solvable. Let me start off by stating....1) I think you are good at expressing your POV via written communication. (so) I'm gonna quote a few parts of your op and respond (as how I interpret your meaning). I apologize if I miss the mark of your intent. 2) I'm not confident many people will agree with my pov. (but) Here goes....,

This being part of your opening statement and this being part of your closing statement...,

Makes me think you are using the "American Way" as an argument and leverage in your Fil-Am marriage. It also seems (to me) you are discrediting her feelings / rationale by pointing out infrastructure inadequacies and age difference.

Which is more important...your wife and marriage or the American way of doing things?

Day to day? As in... Day to day? as in... very very often? ....as in..every day

I wonder why you were granted full custody. Was this simply logistics settled between you 2 or was it a result of a court order?

I ask because...I wonder if your ex has some negative "history" that might be alarming..in the situation.

(but) This was with the distance and contact limitations of your ex living in Texas. Now she is front and center to be involved with the kids (and of course you and your wife) "day to day".

A very comfortable, safe and low threat distance.

That statement has so many wrong opportunities...too many to list...Why are you letting your ex advise your wife?!!!!

John...dude...seriously...KEEP YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!!!

DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT EVER COMPLIMENT YOUR EX WIFE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!

Okay...I doubt I will be able to post any more quote boxes. I bet I already hit the limit. I will wing it from here.

I have no doubt your wife is sick and tired of hearing about your ex. She married you. She accepted your kids. It now seems it is becoming a ...you + your ex + the kids...and (maybe..I wrote... maybe)your wife is now.. a tag along. Has she referred to herself as the nanny / housemaid yet? (no...that is not sarcastic..that is a serious question)

Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if her ex husband was the one playing the part of you ex wife? Your kids are their kids? She is the one on the phone with her ex...she is the one talking about her ex "every single" time.

I'm confused. Why does your wife say it's okay to talk with the ex about the kids but then becomes upset? What else are you talking about? Are you joking around? Laughing? Chit chatting? Extending verbal courtesies?

John..I have a lot more to write but...I'm rambling on too much and I'm aware I might be viewed as "screeching on a soapbox".

I will try to sum up...,

#1 Back your ex wife off... completely...until you and your wife resolve this.

#2 Accept the fact...your wife is not happy with the current situation...if your marriage is top priority...time to prove it.

(I will stop here...maybe come back later with a few more thoughts. John...you are one of my VJ buddies...Please don't be upset with my frankness and POV. I'm not trying to harsh you...just stating my POV. I thought to PM this but...well...I think you want responses via this thread.)

Are you saying what I am saying ??

I kind of understand Monreal. She is not doing anything wrong. Just a bit jealous perhaps? What bothers her, i think, it is the happy ending between you and your X.

"Sarcastic smile"

By the way, I will repeat again, where there is peace there is love.

Nice peaceful divorce ending

[Ban Hammer 12,835]

one post stereotyping filipinos removed.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Are you saying what I am saying ??

Sometimes a song is all that's needed to set the right mood....,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBQFyP3dCkQ

(So long you did me wrong)

(So long you did me wrong)

Baby, what you’re doing now (ooh) you’re pissin' me off

Mmm but your hair is so luxurious (ooh) and your lips are so soft, mm-hmm

(Anyway you slice it - ooh) you’re doing me wrong

Mmm But I love the way you walk now (ooh) and your legs are so long.

Well your looks had me putty in your hand now

(hand now)

But I took just as much as I can stand now

(I can stand now)

And you can walk your long legs baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

Yeah you can walk your long legs baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

From the moment that I met you (ooh) I thought you were fine, so fine

But your Ch!tty fckn' attitude (ooh) has got me changing my mind, yeah

(Everybody tells me - ooh) I need to let go, I know

But your cocoa butter skin now (ooh) has got me beggin' for more, well

Well your heels keep on runnin' through my head now

(head now)

Tryin' to deal but I’m coming to the end now

(end now)

And you can walk those high heels baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

Yeah you can walk those high heels baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

Tell me why-eye-eye, why'd you turn the blues skies cloudy grey

You know why-eye-eye I-eye-eye, I can’t let you keep treatin' me this way

Oh, you've been jerkin' me around but (ooh) I kept my eyes shut, yeah

Cause you're shaped like an hourglass (ooh) but I think your time’s up, (kept my eyes shut, yeah your times up) mmhmm

Well your heart's like a black blackened piece of coal now

(piece of coal now)

and I doubt that you ever had a soul now

(had a soul now)

And you can walk your cold heart baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

Yeah you can walk your cold heart baby right out of my life

(So long you did me wrong)

Let's walk it out, yeah

(So long you did me wrong)

Keep on walkin' now

(So long you did me wrong)

Leave me alone

(So long you did me wrong)

Ooh, I'm glad I'm off on my own

(So long you did me wrong)

[TiklingGuy 211]

i appreciate the advice from you all. i will put it to action. It seems like everytime me and Monreal have to deal with these issues it usually last a few hours and then we have a come to Jesus meeting afterwards. The crappy part is that it is happening everyday. I am starting to think that she misses home and maybe needs to go back for a few weeks. I believe strongly in honoring God and to do so is to honor Monreal.

Crashed-N2-Me, i agree with you. i have found myself speaking good about my ex in front of Monreal and i think that might be throwing more fuel in the fire. Monreal has told me that she feels like a Maid so you were spot on.

I appreciate everyones responses to these problems i have been facing at home. I blame myself and will do whatever it takes to correct it. It is very hard to reason with someone who is being unreasonable.