maybe im an idiot

[absolom 0]

I visited my fiancee in Russia last month and left her my laptop so we could email one another.. I also use it for my work, and when I was working from there, the interent was just terrible and slow, almost unusable. To try and speed things up, I setup one of my own web servers as as proxy, which cashes files so you dont have to download the same things over and over to speed the throughput.. Now I've been back for a while, I go to my webserver to clear out the cache to make room for some new websites, and there are dating sites cached there she has been going to

So I ask her about it, and she's like 'i dont mail to them, I just look'.. And I'm supposed to think WHAT? I mean, this looks like I'm off to a wonderful start here.... NOT.... Is this really what russian women think is acceptable??

[travlnmannn 0]

I dont mean to sound rude. But you have to use your common sense. What would you do if you had an American fiance and she was doing that. I dont think it's normal for anyone. If someone is engaged to someone why would they need to "just look". Go with your gut. Good luck to you.

[workin4somethin 0]

.. Now I've been back for a while, I go to my webserver to clear out the cache to make room for some new websites, and there are dating sites cached there she has been going to

So I ask her about it, and she's like 'i dont mail to them, I just look'.. And I'm supposed to think WHAT? I mean, this looks like I'm off to a wonderful start here.... NOT.... Is this really what russian women think is acceptable??

I don't think it's fair to ask whether "all" Russian women would think this is acceptable behavior. Most important is whether "you" think it is acceptable behavior.

You should have no problem communicating with your fiance, though, to find out what her true intentions were regarding her Internet viewing. Otherwise, she would probably not be your fiance, right?

A marriage relationship takes time. If you rush into it, there will be a lot of unanswered questions remaining even after your wedding.

It sounds to me like you are already passing judgment. However, I've never met a person who hasn't done something stupid before. And maybe it's just one of those things. If you love her, perhaps you should show her how to clear out the cache herself.

I hope you find out what you need to know. Best wishes.

[travlnmannn 0]

The more I think about this it is a tough one. I asked my finace about this and she gave me two sides to it (thats why I love her). She gave me the worst. Maybe she doesn't like him (current fiance) or she is just very curious about other people and what they are about. Good luck...thats a tough situation but I would have to agree that you have to figure out whats right in your mind

[dallasguy7 0]

Go to those web sites she has visited. Do a search for her. If she is posting new profiles and looking to meet other men, then you have your answer. Many sites have a time and date stamp when a profile was posted and When she last visited. Some sites even tell you how many people are interested in her. If she is just looking and not posting then she probably is just curious. Many of these women from Russia have posted on many different web sites when they started their search. Then when they have found their guy they just walk away from the web sites they posted on. Many of the web sites make it very difficult for the women to remove their profiles once listed. Many of these web site also use centralized databases and duplicate posts on many different sites. Also some sites retrieve and use the womens profiles without their permission.

If you think she may still be looking, then create a new identity buy her e-mail address from one site and start writing to her. See how she repsonds.

But remember, those things you do can come back to haunt you. On the other hand you also have a right to protect yourself. It is quite a wicked web we all weave.

Just my two cents

[William33 110]

Im my opinion, she is still "shopping". Maybe innocent, probably not.

Good luck in getting at the truth, You really need to get the truth on this issue.

Don't get burned 2 years down the line, specifically, Green card time.

Purseude comes to mind. look up his sad story.

[Ta Ta 1]

Good advice from Dallasguy7. It is a lot to go through to bring a SO here and I think

you have a 'right to be informed' of how she would respond to someone emailing her (you) under the circumstances you stated.

You will definitely get your answer.

It is not a Russian woman thing.......it happens everywhere in men and woman.

My friend told me today that she wanted to know how many dishonest men there are and

did a little test. She went to a site and browsed for 'married but looking' and 26,000 profiles showed

up including in her 100 mile radius and also with photos.........there is an epidemic out there

with the internet deceit.

Test the water before you jump in is my motto.

If she will be honest then trust her and jump in. If not run ............

[gimygirl 0]

to answer your thread title question: maybe you are.

you should really ask yourself: do i WANT to be an idiot?

[PurrSuede 0]

Im my opinion, she is still "shopping". Maybe innocent, probably not.

Good luck in getting at the truth, You really need to get the truth on this issue.

Don't get burned 2 years down the line, specifically, Green card time.

Purseude comes to mind. look up his sad story.

Let me correct one thing. Although our divorce was final at the two year point, she had received her CONDITIONAL green card (AOS for Conditional LPR) after one year.

However, she was still a year away from PERMANENT LPR, lifting of conditions. She may not have understood the difference, but hey...

But, anyway, they can "technically" walk just about anytime after the CONDITIONAL AOS is approved and then see if they can get approved with a waiver (post-divorce). This may or may not fly with the USCIS, however.

And as sad as the story may seem, I'd rather find this out now, even after two years, than before she got pregnant and had a kid, as I'd be into her for a long long time for child support. Much less all the other issues that would have represented.

-- Dan

I visited my fiancee in Russia last month and left her my laptop so we could email one another.. I also use it for my work, and when I was working from there, the interent was just terrible and slow, almost unusable. To try and speed things up, I setup one of my own web servers as as proxy, which cashes files so you dont have to download the same things over and over to speed the throughput.. Now I've been back for a while, I go to my webserver to clear out the cache to make room for some new websites, and there are dating sites cached there she has been going to

So I ask her about it, and she's like 'i dont mail to them, I just look'.. And I'm supposed to think WHAT? I mean, this looks like I'm off to a wonderful start here.... NOT.... Is this really what russian women think is acceptable??

Have you considered saying to her "I found this by accident, but I am concerned. I felt hurt because I felt like this threatens our relationship." And see how she responds?

Additionally, Dallasguy had a good suggestion, check some of those websites and see if she's on there. Most websites don't let you respond to ads unless you are a member or at least have a registered profile.

Also, your cache should also likely reveal how often or how frequently these websites have been visited, or can you not access the history as well? And leaving her the laptop, well, she may not ever have had such a golden opportunity to just go "browsing" some of these sites before, you know internet cafes do cost money in Russia, so she had a computer and idle time to look around...

But also, once she's here with you, I assume she'll have access to your computer and maybe spare time on her hands, so there's the thought of what will she be doing then??

I don't think this is a what "russian women think is acceptable" issue, but it's obviously something that she felt was ok to do, and something that you think is NOT ok to do... and probably should lead to a whole discussion about "trust" vs. "cheating" and perhaps what both of you want and expect from the relationship...

Try to take the high road, even if you're a bit floored and astounded right now, as you seem to be by how you sound in your post... and use it as a reason to open the dialog between you about these issues.

-- Dan

[slim 1,514]

This is an issue that you personally have to establish a clear limit on what is and what is not acceptable to you, and to her.

That said, it is very common for women on profiles to "shop around" too, and it's also possible that she was just looking to see if anyone was paying attention to her. (Women, believe it or not, LOVE attention!) Plus, she's got a little time to pass while waiting for you to get that paperwork in and the whole visa process, why not look around on the internet for a while?

And the last thing.... is it "guaranteed" that you're going to do the K-1, that it will get approved, that the two of you will survive as a couple that barely knows each other over the next 8 months to a year? The answer is NO, so maybe she's just keeping all her possibilities open. And if you wanna reply with "well, she shouldn't, we're here for true love and we're trying our best to make it work and spend our lives together, and ...." Take that over to the K-1 forum where the sunshine and puppy dogs are abundant. Here in the Russia forum, the soup is a lot thicker, and it takes a lot more stirring.

That said, it really could be the sunshine and puppy dogs (I really hope so, for you, and for me too.... I'm still going through this too, and all you can do is have faith that the sunshine and puppy dogs really are coming... someday when USCIS gets their $#!^ together) but in the mean time you just have to have faith that it's all going to work out just fine.

Last thing..... Long distance relationships are hard. You're living your life as individuals still, trying to be a couple. The most important thing I can say about making it last long term is to give her some space to do what she wants (and part of that is not questioning everything) and TAKE the space to do what you want. Once you're together it will be clear-cut what you can and can't do, but in the mean time, be yourselves, and don't worry so much about what she's doing. She "chose" you, and is coming here to marry you. That should be enough! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE!!!

[Satellite 1]

I visited my fiancee in Russia last month and left her my laptop so we could email one another.

She "chose" you, and is coming here to marry you.

Slim, how do you make this connection? As far as I see it, he claims she is her fiancee. He picked her out and came to visit her. He has posted no timeline nor has stated he is doing the K1 paperwork. For all we know she has used him for a free good time in Russia and a free laptop.

Once again I applaud the Russian lady for taking advantage of the gullible American who has all the advantages to begin with. Now with a laptop in hand she can find the man that better satisfies her needs. I see this lady similar to Cam. If he can meet 3 ladies at once, then this lady can invite 3 men at once. All fair game when you are shopping.

[PurrSuede 0]

Once again I applaud the Russian lady for taking advantage of the gullible American who has all the advantages to begin with.

Personally, I fail to see why anyone should be applauded for "taking advantage" of anyone else.

That just goes against my personal ethical and moral standards, so I find it hard to applaud such behavior, but that's just me...

Obviously your mileage can and will vary...

-- Dan

[travlnmannn 0]

PurrSuede I think this is why the American male gets screwed is what Satellite is talking about. When you go with a woman from another country you shouldnt be so nieve to think that they are stupid and will do whatever you want. Remember they have brains and they are survivors unlike their counterparts here in the states. Russian women are very smart. No wonder Putin gives financial help to Russian women that will have kids. Because Russian women dont want to have kids knowing that their SO's wont give the support that they need for the child. Hence the American women will have 3 kids with 3 different fathers. Who's the smarter of the two. Next Russian woman you meet use your head thats on your shoulders not the one thats in your pants. Just my two cents. Dont take it the wrong way. Remember we've searched out the Russian women for her values but also for her strength and survivor skills the elude the American woman.

[Satellite 1]

absolom,

I am one of those russian ladies that you guys are all shopping for. Haha I am just kidding. I have read your post about laptop and your girl going to dating sites... I have an advice to you. Don't worry about it. She will be going to those sites until you will get married. And.. maybe even after... My husband is going to these sites (VJ too), even if we happily married for 2 years. So my point is you can't check her true love to you until she gets a green card or citizenship. Going to the sites does not say anything. Good luck.

[Risto 0]

I visited my fiancee in Russia last month and left her my laptop so we could email one another.. I also use it for my work, and when I was working from there, the interent was just terrible and slow, almost unusable. To try and speed things up, I setup one of my own web servers as as proxy, which cashes files so you dont have to download the same things over and over to speed the throughput.. Now I've been back for a while, I go to my webserver to clear out the cache to make room for some new websites, and there are dating sites cached there she has been going to

So I ask her about it, and she's like 'i dont mail to them, I just look'.. And I'm supposed to think WHAT? I mean, this looks like I'm off to a wonderful start here.... NOT.... Is this really what russian women think is acceptable??

Relax. Many people are doing this. Just keep close eye on her.