Family Death Overseas

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Hello Everyone,

I come with some sad news tonight. My husbands father passed away yesterday. He won't be able to attend the funeral, or even visit his family until this summer. Can anyone tell me how they have helped their spouse deal with a similar situation. He had such a horrible day today, and I am just not sure how to help him. In a normal situation, we would be with his family, and attend the funeral. I can only imagine how alone he feels. I never had the chance to meet his father in person, so I am grieving for his loss... but not like someone who had a close relationship with him. Hamza told me that after a death many people will come and stay for long hours with the surviving family at their home. I asked Hamza if he wanted to have some of our family and friends in the USA come, and he would rather mourn alone. Im sure it would not be the same, as none of them would have known his father. Anyway, any suggestions on how to help someone deal with a death, from thousands of miles away would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance

Danni

[MrsNelson 10]

Speaking from personal experience the only thing you can do for him right now is be there for him. If he wants to talk let him talk and if he doesn't want to talk about it that's okay too. My husband has had some similar things happen to him while he's been overseas and honestly (as silly as this sounds) I just tried to not nag him (haha) and gave him space and made his favorite foods and things. Just being supportive is enough sometimes. :-)

[tany1157 161]

My father in law was hit and killed by a truck a little over a year ago. Best thing is to just be there. My husband couldn't talk about his feelings, and when I would try to pry a bit, it made things worse. Thank god my husband is still over there, as he has been the father figure to his young family. I was fortunate enough to have spent some time with him before he passed. I have not experienced the loss of a parent yet, so I can't say I know how it feels. To this day, out of respect he only ( infrequently) speaks of good memories. They had a strained relationship, but out of respect he won't speak of his less than stellar moments. It was very difficult for him, but just give him time, space and support. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Hello Everyone,

I come with some sad news tonight. My husbands father passed away yesterday. He won't be able to attend the funeral, or even visit his family until this summer. Can anyone tell me how they have helped their spouse deal with a similar situation. He had such a horrible day today, and I am just not sure how to help him. In a normal situation, we would be with his family, and attend the funeral. I can only imagine how alone he feels. I never had the chance to meet his father in person, so I am grieving for his loss... but not like someone who had a close relationship with him. Hamza told me that after a death many people will come and stay for long hours with the surviving family at their home. I asked Hamza if he wanted to have some of our family and friends in the USA come, and he would rather mourn alone. Im sure it would not be the same, as none of them would have known his father. Anyway, any suggestions on how to help someone deal with a death, from thousands of miles away would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance

Danni

My condolences to your husband for his loss.

It's really a hard thing and very painful. My husband went through this situation this year - he lost his mother, and it came very suddenly where he was unable to return in time for the funeral. He was devastated.

As has been said, your husband needs to grieve. Be there for him to grieve with him and comfort him, but don't try to direct his grieving.

When Mahmoud got the call, he was up all night and could not sleep until morning. But when he finally slept, I arranged a little display with pictures of his mother and fresh flowers and candles, with a beautiful piece of Palestinian tatreez and also a framed verse from Qur'an. He was very touched when he woke up and saw it.

It is indeed a very honored custom in the MENA culture for friends and acquaintances to visit the grieving family, sit a while, and drink the bitter coffee. It's a way of paying respect, and it is actually considered "expected behavior." All of Mahmoud's friends and people he knows came to our house to do this - dozens of them, for 3 nights. None of them knew his mother personally - but they know him, and visiting the bereaved is the well-mannered thing to do. Observing this familiar ritual meant a great deal to him in helping him cope with his grief.

(Note: You should have the tiny-sized coffee cups if you are going to serve the bitter coffee.)

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Thanks for all the thoughtful posts. As most of you have said, I have just been trying to give him his space, and be a good listener. Today was really hard, cause they are doing a Funeral for his father, and he can't attend... and nobody has contacted him today. I am sure they are very busy, and he knows this too.

WOM- Your idea of the flowers, candle, Qur'an verse, and pictures was very nice. Maybe I can try to work something out like this tonight!

I am sorry for the losses with in your families that have led you to have these experiences, and thank you for sharing about them.

-Danni

[And_Sam 44]

Oh Danni, I am so sorry about your husband's loss. I know that has to be so hard to be so far away.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

Oh Danni, I am so sorry about your husband's loss. I know that has to be so hard to be so far away.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

[momof1 205]

It must be so hard. Just be there for him. Listen when he wants you to, give him space when he needs it and just let him know you are there.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

I lost both my parents while I was in the U.S. unable to say goodbye, unable to attend any of their funerals, so let me answer your question from my personal perspective. You might find it a bit strange, perhaps even heartless, but you asked.

As every Buddhist is well aware of, we have no way of influencing things beyond our control, which includes the death of a loved one. What we can influence, however, is our own reaction to events, as we have a mind, intelligence, and self-control.

Some people are devastated about such an event, unable to eat, unable to work, get depressed, cry like a baby. My wife is one of those.

Others, and I belong to the latter group, know that not being able to attend a funeral means nothing to the deceased. He's dead. He doesn't see, he doesn't mind, he doesn't care, he's gone already. What's left is a lifeless body that will be burned or eaten by worms and thus returned to where it came from.

The father is dead, yet he will always live. He continues to live in the memories your husband has of him. I therefore like to turn epilogues into celebrations of life: remembering a person, the best of him or her, reflecting on the most memorable moments in life, instead of mourning the loss. Life: nobody gets out of it alive. So explain to your husband that his depression and pain are only hurt himself, not his dad, not anybody else, perhaps with the exception of you, as you stand by your man.

I would say as politely as I can: "get over it. Your dad is gone. Remember him as the best dad you ever had, and now let's focus on the now, not on the past. Try to take it like a grown up man."

I wrote my two epilogues and mailed them to my daughter. She read them at the funerals and reported that they were very well received. To this day I remember my parents in the best possible way. I have photos of them in my hallway, and they live on in my memories, as that's the only thing that survives time unconditionally.

[F & J 21]

The best you can do right now is to give him all of the love and support you can... Depending on how he grieves, you might have to just leave him alone for a while but let him know that you're there if he needs you.

Last June, my father's health took a turn for the worse and my husband and I decided that I would fly home for a month so I could help take care of him. The day after we booked my flight, my father passed away (we had booked my flight for the next weekend so I wasn't due to leave for another couple of days). I was devastated. I was very, very sad and very, very angry... My husband was so wonderful during that time - he stayed home with me because I literally cried the whole day for those first few days and I just couldn't be alone. I thought I would be coming home to spend some time with my family and hopefully nurse my father back to health but now I was going home just for his funeral. On top of that, when my husband dropped me off at the airport, we found out that my connecting flight was delayed which meant I wouldn't even get there in time for the funeral. My family had already extended the wake for 2 more days so I could make it home in time for the funeral (my family doesn't do long wakes because it puts a lot of stress to the loved ones who were left behind when they need time to mourn in peace). Luckily the airline agent was very nice and booked me with another airline so I could make it home. I did get to talk to him one last time 2 days before he died (not knowing it was going to be the last time we ever talked) and I told him how much I loved him and I'm at least grateful for that. It's been 6 months and I still miss my dad everyday...

Edited January 4, 2012 by Fatima and Jim

[Moonlight2011 13]

Hi Danni,

very sorry for youre husband and My condolences to you guys for your loss.

Try youre best to be with him, and make him feel you`re support... if youre family can visit him more often this week, and present there condoleances, im sure he will appreciated, its very important to feel that everybody loves you and feel youre pain even if they didnt knew his father...so ,yes if you can get ure family, friends coming home visiting him even if its for just for few hours this will help him to not feel alone!.

Give him space, but also, youre his wife so be the one to contact algeria and try get his family and talk to them, he must be very sad and maybe not able to think ,in what to tell them or even he will feel not bothering them and calling... a support from his friend in algeria is important too, even if its through: skype ,emails or the phone...its always good!.

we think about you guys!

Take care

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Oh Danni, I am so sorry about your husband's loss. I know that has to be so hard to be so far away.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

Oh Danni, I am so sorry about your husband's loss. I know that has to be so hard to be so far away.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

Thank you, and I will pass your condolences along to my husband!

It must be so hard. Just be there for him. Listen when he wants you to, give him space when he needs it and just let him know you are there.

Thank you, this is pretty much what I have been doing. I think its the right thing to do in this case, and he is doing much better now. Thank you for the thoughtful advice!

[Danni and Hamza 36]

I lost both my parents while I was in the U.S. unable to say goodbye, unable to attend any of their funerals, so let me answer your question from my personal perspective. You might find it a bit strange, perhaps even heartless, but you asked.

As every Buddhist is well aware of, we have no way of influencing things beyond our control, which includes the death of a loved one. What we can influence, however, is our own reaction to events, as we have a mind, intelligence, and self-control.

Some people are devastated about such an event, unable to eat, unable to work, get depressed, cry like a baby. My wife is one of those.

Others, and I belong to the latter group, know that not being able to attend a funeral means nothing to the deceased. He's dead. He doesn't see, he doesn't mind, he doesn't care, he's gone already. What's left is a lifeless body that will be burned or eaten by worms and thus returned to where it came from.

The father is dead, yet he will always live. He continues to live in the memories your husband has of him. I therefore like to turn epilogues into celebrations of life: remembering a person, the best of him or her, reflecting on the most memorable moments in life, instead of mourning the loss. Life: nobody gets out of it alive. So explain to your husband that his depression and pain are only hurt himself, not his dad, not anybody else, perhaps with the exception of you, as you stand by your man.

I would say as politely as I can: "get over it. Your dad is gone. Remember him as the best dad you ever had, and now let's focus on the now, not on the past. Try to take it like a grown up man."

I wrote my two epilogues and mailed them to my daughter. She read them at the funerals and reported that they were very well received. To this day I remember my parents in the best possible way. I have photos of them in my hallway, and they live on in my memories, as that's the only thing that survives time unconditionally.

Thanks for the advice, I agree mostly. My husband thinks along the same way too. He's not sad for the person who died, and knows there is nothing he could have done, just sad because he will miss him. Along the same line, he also knows that his father will not miss him at his funeral, and that he would have understood him missing it. However, he would have liked to have been there to support his family, and to get some kind of closure. He is doing much better now. The first few days are always hard. He has been able to talk to his family a lil more, and has gotten a little closure. So he is not so far gone and depressed, and out of reality that I need to wake him up with a "get over it". I appreciate what you are saying, and know where you are coming from. I am sorry for the losses that you have suffered too!

-Danni

Edited January 5, 2012 by Danni and Hamza

[Danni and Hamza 36]

The best you can do right now is to give him all of the love and support you can... Depending on how he grieves, you might have to just leave him alone for a while but let him know that you're there if he needs you.

Last June, my father's health took a turn for the worse and my husband and I decided that I would fly home for a month so I could help take care of him. The day after we booked my flight, my father passed away (we had booked my flight for the next weekend so I wasn't due to leave for another couple of days). I was devastated. I was very, very sad and very, very angry... My husband was so wonderful during that time - he stayed home with me because I literally cried the whole day for those first few days and I just couldn't be alone. I thought I would be coming home to spend some time with my family and hopefully nurse my father back to health but now I was going home just for his funeral. On top of that, when my husband dropped me off at the airport, we found out that my connecting flight was delayed which meant I wouldn't even get there in time for the funeral. My family had already extended the wake for 2 more days so I could make it home in time for the funeral (my family doesn't do long wakes because it puts a lot of stress to the loved ones who were left behind when they need time to mourn in peace). Luckily the airline agent was very nice and booked me with another airline so I could make it home. I did get to talk to him one last time 2 days before he died (not knowing it was going to be the last time we ever talked) and I told him how much I loved him and I'm at least grateful for that. It's been 6 months and I still miss my dad everyday...

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for the thoughtful post, and for sharing your experience. As you mentioned, I have been just trying to give him love ans support. Being there when he needs me to be, and giving him space, when he needs it too. He is doing much better now. He has spoken with his family a bit more, and has gotten a little closure in knowing more about what happened. It was just seemed very sudden, we had talked to him the day before... he was planning a visit, and had just purchased his airline tickets. So we were planning some of the details. Just didn't seem real when we got the call the next day. Thanks again !

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Hi Danni,

very sorry for youre husband and My condolences to you guys for your loss.

Try youre best to be with him, and make him feel you`re support... if youre family can visit him more often this week, and present there condoleances, im sure he will appreciated, its very important to feel that everybody loves you and feel youre pain even if they didnt knew his father...so ,yes if you can get ure family, friends coming home visiting him even if its for just for few hours this will help him to not feel alone!.

Give him space, but also, youre his wife so be the one to contact algeria and try get his family and talk to them, he must be very sad and maybe not able to think ,in what to tell them or even he will feel not bothering them and calling... a support from his friend in algeria is important too, even if its through: skype ,emails or the phone...its always good!.

we think about you guys!

Take care

Thank you for your condolences, and I will pass it along to my husband. Thank you also for your suggestions. I have been trying my best to be what he needs, right now. Love, and support when he needs it, and space too when he needs that. We have spent some time with my family, since his fathers passing and Hamza appreciated that. He is more of a private person, and would rather mourn privately, or just with close family. So we really haven't tried to spend so much time with friends. But he is doing much better now, after talking to his family a bit more. Thank you

[mounir412 101]

all my sincere condolences to you

انا لله وانا اليه راجعون