Crossroads

[Eyitemi 0]

Hello Everyone,

I hope that I am posting this is the right place. I am not sure so please forgive me if it is not. I have been reading this forum for years, I finally decided to join as I have been deliberating on my relationship. I really need help! I am soooooo tired of this process and disappointments involved that I just feel sick. I m annoyed and tired and the holiday season is just making it worse. I guess writing it out to people who are going through is some what cathartic for me. I don't think I want to continue the process any longer with my fiance'. The main reason is simple cost-benefit analysis. I don't feel like he give me a reason any longer to want to be with him. I have tried talking to him and telling him what my concerns are and he has yet to address or show improvement. Why then should I want to get him here when he can't even handle LDR. I know LDR are hard but I also feel in a way its easier. By that I mean ... if he cant even put in the effort to keep me placated via phone calls and internet communication how the heck can I expect anything better when we are together. I mean if he can't put in minimum effort such as that I don't have much faith in him impressing me when he is here. We have a child together as well and thats the MAIN issue for me he is not putting in much effort to show me he is vested enough in us. That why I am just ready to call it done. I really am in need of someone to talk to and their isn't anyone around me who can relate to this situation.

Please forgive any and all typos.

[V & A 0]

Wao, I totally feel your confusion, anger and lack of motivation for the process and with your fiance. LDR are hard but I personally believe that it is a choice that we made and we have to face with the bad and good parts of it...If he is not showing you much interest for the relationship specially having a child together I would think twice before continuing with this hard journey. You should not be doing all of the work. He should be crazy about wanting to see/be with you and see your child. But you know him more than me, is his lack of motivation due to a long journey? how far into the process are you? I know it is hard nobody said it was easy but he should be making it easier for you!!!! Good luck and hopefully everything gets better.

[souleymon 27]

Mayb he isnt knowing how much stress and strength is involved with the whole process.Perhaps,he is more comfortable with his work n the lil time he spends with u/kid.

Let him no what u r thinking.He just might thinking,he isnt to be involved since u r filing n he got nothing to submit.the best person to talk to is him

[Eyitemi 0]

V&A Thanks for your prompt response. It has been a long journey and I know we are both tired. I have so many dissapointments ( having to go through pregnancy and give birth alone) being at the top of the list. I am waiting on NOA2 , however that is for a second petition the first was sent back for NOID due to supposedly not enough proof that we had a genuine relationship. I was crushed and devastated it hit us hard as we hoped would be here for our childs birth or at the least shortly after. I love him dearly and I am not trying to paint him in a bad light at all. I just feel like I am not getting enough attention , understanding, love etc to endure this struggle.

[V & A 0]

V&A Thanks for your prompt response. It has been a long journey and I know we are both tired. I have so many dissapointments ( having to go through pregnancy and give birth alone) being at the top of the list. I am waiting on NOA2 , however that is for a second petition the first was sent back for NOID due to supposedly not enough proof that we had a genuine relationship. I was crushed and devastated it hit us hard as we hoped would be here for our childs birth or at the least shortly after. I love him dearly and I am not trying to paint him in a bad light at all. I just feel like I am not getting enough attention , understanding, love etc to endure this struggle.

I understand... So sad you had to be by yourself through all of this...But hopefully it will be over soon. And time will tell. I know it is very hard for a man to be by himself all of this time...Maybe he thinks that at least you are here with your child and his wait might seem harder for him. I know traveling so much can be emotionally and financially draining. Keep as much communication as possible tell him your concern and fears and just tell him what you need from him. Men are wired to DO and he is feeling powerless right now... Try to update your timeline when you get a chance so we get a better idea of your journey :=D I couldn't even imagine being denied and starting this all over stay strong!

[favored 31]

Hello Everyone,

I hope that I am posting this is the right place. I am not sure so please forgive me if it is not. I have been reading this forum for years, I finally decided to join as I have been deliberating on my relationship. I really need help! I am soooooo tired of this process and disappointments involved that I just feel sick. I m annoyed and tired and the holiday season is just making it worse. I guess writing it out to people who are going through is some what cathartic for me. I don't think I want to continue the process any longer with my fiance'. The main reason is simple cost-benefit analysis. I don't feel like he give me a reason any longer to want to be with him. I have tried talking to him and telling him what my concerns are and he has yet to address or show improvement. Why then should I want to get him here when he can't even handle LDR. I know LDR are hard but I also feel in a way its easier. By that I mean ... if he cant even put in the effort to keep me placated via phone calls and internet communication how the heck can I expect anything better when we are together. I mean if he can't put in minimum effort such as that I don't have much faith in him impressing me when he is here. We have a child together as well and thats the MAIN issue for me he is not putting in much effort to show me he is vested enough in us. That why I am just ready to call it done. I really am in need of someone to talk to and their isn't anyone around me who can relate to this situation.

Please forgive any and all typos.

so many angles to take on this, but don't think enuf room to type.. i'll just suggest to pray and think it through, talk to him.. don't be disobedient to your eyes and heart.. LDR is hard, but couples need each other to make it easier.. even if one person doesn't know how to deal with it.. its unfair to leave the other person with unanswered thoughts.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

A denial of the first attempt leads to lots of issues. More money, more time, more loneliness, more finger pointing by friends and family. Add to that being for the most part a single mother of a newborn it can be overwhelming. Dealing with 2 cultures and two totally differernt ways of life is also not the easiest path. I still have issues with my husband doing things on African time. Only you can tell if the path forward is worth the pain and money, Juat remember that raising a child alone is no walk in the park.

[Moomin 292]

Hei there,

Welcome to VJ as a member then - am sorry about the reason for joining up however.

You mentioned that is has taking its toll on you giving birth alone and going through the process this way. Maybe that's exactly what it's about. I can only imagine how it must be like, and then not feeling the support through your online conversations. For some it's hard to change their ways when it's emotional - simply finding difficult to change their ways unless it's specific "take out the garbage everyday and that'll make me happy" kinda thing even though it's not only about the garbage. Something concrete.

I will however say far from everyone are like that. But if you have seen enough of him to know that is a big part of his personality you cannot live with then that's your decision. I'm not for changing each other but I'm all for adapting to each other's needs. This process may and can take it's toll on everyone. Too me it actually got harder the minute we filed the petition because it was out of our hands. Stephen didn't see the difference the same way but did support me in my thoughts and that's about what kept me sane. And I do understand without it, I would've been in your shoes, giving it second thoughts, being exhausted from the frustration alone.

Sometimes it's other factors than the ones in your control. Your fiance would've been at your child's birth had he had the option, right? Or held you when you felt down and frustrated. In person, you get that reaction but it's hard(for some) to express actively when you only have words to do it with. If you're only thinking about it, maybe do a different approach to what to do when talking to re-connect. I'd be happy giving suggestions but sometimes it's just good to vent about your situation to get it out, like you state.

[Eyitemi 0]

Thanks to all for taking time to respond to my post I appreciate it so much. I needed to hear something other than my own inner noise.

@ Nigeriaorbust you are very correct. I am so overwhelmed right now by this process I don't know what to do. What I do know is I love and miss him dearly. I am lost without him. I hate raising our baby without him and him not being in her life.

I know it is very hard for a man to be by himself all of this time.. Maybe he thinks that at least you are here with your child and his wait might seem harder for him. I know traveling so much can be emotionally and financially draining. Keep as much communication as possible tell him your concern and fears and just tell him what you need from him. Men are wired to DO and he is feeling powerless right now...

@V&A you have a point. He has stated something similar to the statement above that you wrote several times... That when I miss him at least I can hold on to our child and that I have a part of him with me always that he does not have that, he has to endure missing us both with nothing but a photo to hold when we are apart

@ moomin , Yes he would have been there for our childs birth if it was an option. He took a active parenting role when we were with him. He is attentive and caring when we are together, but once I leave and its back to LDR he becomes distant/aloof. When I try to talk to him he always writes it off as I am too "Emo" or just ask when are we (the baby and I) coming back.

[Olomi_811 130]

OP, it seems that you want reassurance and validation from him. You have to search yourself to see if this was the blessing God intended for you. If your answer is yes, my prayer is that your spirit be at rest and that you gain the strength and patience needed to stand firm and endure. I don't know the stress of having a child and going through this process, but I do understand dealing with my own selfish, irrational, and emotional mess from time to time. The conditions of Nigeria certainly don't help if the internet is down or constantly drops, the phone rings on your end, but not on his and he doesn't have credit to call you back, and the time difference of being wide awake thinking of him (caring for a baby) when he's asleep is like a special brand of torture. You want hm to lay his feelings out the way you have done. It may not be in his make up to do that (you know they are strong) and he can only do so much from where he is. But if you search yourself and find this man is not the one God fashioned for you it's ok, buckle down, and wait for the one who is.

[Eyitemi 0]

olomi_811 you have summed the situation up quite well. There is just so many circumstances beyond our control and I feel helpless. I am going to relax and pray for direction on the matter. Thanks

[Touch of Treble 39]

Once a family were rowing a canoo across the wide river. They lost one oar, that's ok there was a spare.

Then they lost another oar, oops, ok they found an alternative, a book.

Oh dear, they lost the book. Hands would do it and were harder to loose.

Oh NO the last oar. All hands over the side.

It took a long time to get over the river, and they argued and blamed each other for the foolishness that lost the oars...all the way!

15 years later the family are gathered round table on Christmas day, rolling with laughter and hugging each other in love and joy, as they recall the fateful river crossing.

Sometimes the biggest trials and hardest battles become our greatest bonds in love. That's the joy of a family.

Praying you will find peace for your heart and wisdom for your journey.

[Scafidi454 22]

Hello Everyone,

I hope that I am posting this is the right place. I am not sure so please forgive me if it is not. I have been reading this forum for years, I finally decided to join as I have been deliberating on my relationship. I really need help! I am soooooo tired of this process and disappointments involved that I just feel sick. I m annoyed and tired and the holiday season is just making it worse. I guess writing it out to people who are going through is some what cathartic for me. I don't think I want to continue the process any longer with my fiance'. The main reason is simple cost-benefit analysis. I don't feel like he give me a reason any longer to want to be with him. I have tried talking to him and telling him what my concerns are and he has yet to address or show improvement. Why then should I want to get him here when he can't even handle LDR. I know LDR are hard but I also feel in a way its easier. By that I mean ... if he cant even put in the effort to keep me placated via phone calls and internet communication how the heck can I expect anything better when we are together. I mean if he can't put in minimum effort such as that I don't have much faith in him impressing me when he is here. We have a child together as well and thats the MAIN issue for me he is not putting in much effort to show me he is vested enough in us. That why I am just ready to call it done. I really am in need of someone to talk to and their isn't anyone around me who can relate to this situation.

Please forgive any and all typos.

If this is new behavior for him, try to find out what's causing it. If he's been this way from the beginning, then I would ask why you decided for the K-1 (other than the child). As a citizen, you can naturalize your children only.

There have been times when I've thought that I couldn't stand it anymore, but those feelings were generated by my anger. When we are angry, we sometimes think or say things that sound good, but aren't quite a correct portrayal of our thoughts and feelings for the other person.

If you've talked about your problems already, really talked (i.e. being inquisitive instead of blaming), then you need to decide if the two of you will ever be able to work on these issues. If you still cannot make any progress, you may have to suggest a break or break up.

Edited December 22, 2011 by Scafidi454

[LAGOSLOVE 10]

OP, it seems that you want reassurance and validation from him. You have to search yourself to see if this was the blessing God intended for you. If your answer is yes, my prayer is that your spirit be at rest and that you gain the strength and patience needed to stand firm and endure. I don't know the stress of having a child and going through this process, but I do understand dealing with my own selfish, irrational, and emotional mess from time to time. The conditions of Nigeria certainly don't help if the internet is down or constantly drops, the phone rings on your end, but not on his and he doesn't have credit to call you back, and the time difference of being wide awake thinking of him (caring for a baby) when he's asleep is like a special brand of torture. You want hm to lay his feelings out the way you have done. It may not be in his make up to do that (you know they are strong) and he can only do so much from where he is. But if you search yourself and find this man is not the one God fashioned for you it's ok, buckle down, and wait for the one who is.

I love this!!!! YOU SAID IT RIGHT

[KRADAM11 1]

I understand the frustration, but can't imagine having a child involved. One thing I can say is that i also know what it is like to be the one not doing what my partner wants and needs. I love my fiance with all of my heart but sometimes he feels like I am not connecting with him or am not vested in his happiness. That couldn't be farther from the truth, but sometimes it appears that way. This process is so difficult and sometimes one just gets into a rut of doing/saying the same things. I think it is kind of an autopilot survivial mode. I get frustrated because I think in person things will be so different. For example he was sick recently. It was probably the worst bout of sickness he has had since I have known him. He was feeling rotten and cranky and like I wasn't doing enough to make him feel better. If he had been here I would have run him a hot bath, warmed a robe for him to wear when he finished the bath, given him medicine and soup, and given him a massage for the body aches. While talking to him on the phone that was what I was longing to do for him. Had I been able to do those things I think he would have known my want, care, and love for him. That is what he was needing at that time and I just couldn't give the equivilent over the phone. Not saying that it is the same with you and your fiance, just saying it could be playing a role in what is going on. Just wanted to give you some perspective from the side of the person who doesn't always seem to care.