help with mama

[gretchen_darren 67]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law? told her and the family: "akin sya ngyon" (she is mine now. Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do. We are not married yet in vows, but you live with me here. In my heart, we are already married.")

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them. mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA. She does not seem to understand USA too much. the others helped out their family. They could barely afford to do that and right now have lost much. mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel". I told the brother I am trying to be nice. mama does not want to make me upset. (I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train". I am focusing on here now with Gretchen. I have told papa very little money will be coming until I recover financially from the trip. Gretchen and I went shopping here tonight. Gretchen noticed the cost of food and items was much, much higher than back home. Plus, we have to go Sept 8 through Sept 29 with no paychecks. What we spent while I was there in the philippines is now affecting us here. Gretchen is learning the budget was there for a reason. the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough, but better to teach now than later. Friends have offered to help out, but i have told them, "thanks, but helping out does not re-enforce the budget or how her parents home affects her new home. How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.")

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot. Seems mama was out buying paint today. I just saw things while I was there. I believe and not yet confirmed the 6,000php I gave to Gretchen in Manila went directly to mama with or without papa knowing. Mama getting her hair done right after we landed, eating lunch at the mall makes me believe that. papa may not have known since he asked me for money to go home and food. Or maybe they told Gretchen not to tell me. (they bought a new purse for Gretchen and underwear (Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) as well which makes me believe they had the 6,000 php) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing. I have told Gretchen to tell me her needs and wants. Gretchen did not yet see herself as belonging to me while we were there. I hope I have finally cleared this up.

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here. I have talked with Gretchen about this too in much length today. (I will post more on this discussion later.) Gretchen now understands fully where I am coming from.

[DaveE 178]

She is mine now?

I control you?

Who wears the pants and dresses?

Purpose of your post? You have a fiancee not property.

Edited September 20, 2011 by DaveE

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

i don't know but somehow i feel sorry for her already.... tsk... tsk... tsk... all i can say to her is "Good Luck!"

She is mine now?

I control you?

Who wears the pants and dresses?

Purpose of your post? You have a fiancee not property.

[calibob 73]

Darren has started another thread....... ................ I'm sorry but you'll not get too much sympathy airing out your 50's man/woman mentality here. I understand it may work for you but there's going to be many who have a problem with it. Best of luck with the MIL problems. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it to convince/encourage others to do the right thing or to modify behaviors.

Bob

[Dean_De 61]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law? told her and the family: "akin sya ngyon" (she is mine now. Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do. We are not married yet in vows, but you live with me here. In my heart, we are already married.")

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them. mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA. She does not seem to understand USA too much. the others helped out their family. They could barely afford to do that and right now have lost much. mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel". I told the brother I am trying to be nice. mama does not want to make me upset. (I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train". I am focusing on here now with Gretchen. I have told papa very little money will be coming until I recover financially from the trip. Gretchen and I went shopping here tonight. Gretchen noticed the cost of food and items was much, much higher than back home. Plus, we have to go Sept 8 through Sept 29 with no paychecks. What we spent while I was there in the philippines is now affecting us here. Gretchen is learning the budget was there for a reason. the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough, but better to teach now than later. Friends have offered to help out, but i have told them, "thanks, but helping out does not re-enforce the budget or how her parents home affects her new home. How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.")

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot. Seems mama was out buying paint today. I just saw things while I was there. I believe and not yet confirmed the 6,000php I gave to Gretchen in Manila went directly to mama with or without papa knowing. Mama getting her hair done right after we landed, eating lunch at the mall makes me believe that. papa may not have known since he asked me for money to go home and food. Or maybe they told Gretchen not to tell me. (they bought a new purse for Gretchen and underwear (Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) as well which makes me believe they had the 6,000 php) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing. I have told Gretchen to tell me her needs and wants. Gretchen did not yet see herself as belonging to me while we were there. I hope I have finally cleared this up.

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here. I have talked with Gretchen about this too in much length today. (I will post more on this discussion later.) Gretchen now understands fully where I am coming from.

A partner is and supposedly your equal / balance and not a property you own or control. A controlling attitude takes away the identity of the other person as herself. One can't be happy losing who she is. Realize that when you married somebody from different culture, you should be understanding of the way people are raised from the place where they came from. Of course we understand your concern. It's never so easy to find work and earn there. However, do remember that the moment you hurt your wife's family would hurt her too. Between who wears the pants or not. You should also remember blood is thicker than water. If it is really about family matter, I think the best way to deal with it is to talk with your wife. Express to her your feelings by letting her know that you respect them and do care that the relationship between you , her and the family stay close. Don't ever create that wall in between her and her family, especially this time when she will be adjusting. Its no way good to pile up more stress.

[Oksana & Max 94]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law? told her and the family: "akin sya ngyon" (she is mine now. Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do. We are not married yet in vows, but you live with me here. In my heart, we are already married.")

If you really said it to your fiancee and her MIL. I already sorry for your soon to be wife. Control??? are you seriously using those words. Did you got a slave for you or a wife?

Sorry but it is just frustrating to read your post.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Oksana & Max

[gretchen_darren 67]

The phrase is what Gretchen gave me. What phrase helps to understand in her village.

gretchen is not property. Gretchen is mine just like I am hers. The idea is Gretchen and I are a family unit belonging to each other. Gretchen can make her own decisions. the idea is Gretchen and I make decisions together.

As for pants and dresses. She comes from a very very province town. The saying goes in the village, if the women start wearing the pants, the men will start wearing the dresses because "someone has to wear the dresses" You may call it a 1950's mentality, but it is still something which is found in 90% of the world. America is the only country which chooses to call the mentality "old fashioned". And I ain't looking for sympathy. I am looking for input..... like johnny 5 .... input, input, innnnnpppuuuuttttt.

[Oksana & Max 94]

The phrase is what Gretchen gave me. What phrase helps to understand in her village.

gretchen is not property. Gretchen is mine just like I am hers. The idea is Gretchen and I are a family unit belonging to each other. Gretchen can make her own decisions. the idea is Gretchen and I make decisions together.

As for pants and dresses. She comes from a very very province town. The saying goes in the village, if the women start wearing the pants, the men will start wearing the dresses because "someone has to wear the dresses" You may call it a 1950's mentality, but it is still something which is found in 90% of the world. America is the only country which chooses to call the mentality "old fashioned". And I ain't looking for sympathy. I am looking for input..... like johnny 5 .... input, input, innnnnpppuuuuttttt.

Don't speak about 90% of the world, as this is so not true. It might be true in some 3rd world countries, but not 90% of the world.

[calibob 73]

My input.....it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Often times the intended audience gets caught up in how things are presented and not the message that was attempted to be relayed.....Public speaking 101. Works in the real world too. If one's going to use controversial terms and language then it should be explained in detail to defuse any unintended fallout.

Bob

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

Ayayayayaaaaaay!!!! the more i read (and think), the more it scares me!!!! run!!! run for your life!!! oh boy! oh boy!

[iloverb 5]

from st.lukes problem til ther...mmmm its like ur so strict huh

[Laser1 63]

The village drama is something that you can expect. It is hard to see how you getting involved can improve that. I would just nod my head and leave it alone.

[babystef 8]

as ive said on ur last thread..THINK first before you SPEAK..

A mother is still a mother and no one can change that..beside we really dont know whats the real score because we are only hearing YOUR side of the story..

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

and also: THINK before you/i/we CLICK.

i just think that there are things better left "unpublished" here... well, it's just me... and that's how i see it.

To Gretchen, i sincerely wish her true happiness.

[clueless55 18]

I didn't read his intitial post as he intended to be abusive to the lady. If he is seeking a more traditional marriage, and spousal roles, and she agreed, and there's no abuse, there should be no problem.

I read this more as the typical learning period for the new asian lady in a western country. They generally have no concept of western costs, bills, etc. Frankly, most of the filipinas I know, and I know a lot, have not been in a position where they live on a budget. What comes in, goes out. There's a serious adjustment to be made when they get here. The family also often has unrealistic demands on money they expect to flow in from the new Kano member of the family.