Personal issues re my Viet Nam girlfriend

[Rufus2012 175]

"OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!"

Not any more.

[Mike_Mac 3]

What did the man say when he called you back?

He asked to speak with her, and I handed her my cell phone...in shock.

[Laser1 63]

You may be dealing with a drug smuggler, or something as bad as that. Please rule that out before going anywhere with her. She obviously MUST know that you know she has gotten money from men in recent years; yet she still has not told you about her recent past. She may intend for you to think that she is an escort, to hide something worse.

[joyjohn 18]

If it walks like a "duck".....talks like a "duck"......smells like a "duck"..........must be a turkey!!!!!

[Mike_Mac 3]

Can I just offer that you might try a heart to heart instead of dropping her like everyone has suggested? Unless she's asked for money from YOU (and it sounds like she doesn't need to) , it might simply be that she WAS a "paid girlfriend" in the past and is embarrassed by it, and is afraid to tell you about it because she thinks you'll want nothing more to do with her. (Probably a legitimate concern based on how quickly everyone seems to be saying she's a prostitute and a gold digger.) Everyone does things they wished they hadn't or are ashamed by years down the road, and if you like this girl as much as you say, it's worth asking for honesty and making it clear you want to be with the woman she IS, rather than the woman she WAS. I'm not saying I'm right, and I'm definitely not saying the lies aren't a big deal, but if you like her and connect with her as much as you say, isn't it worth one last push for honesty and openness rather than writing her off because of what might be regret over an older lifestyle? After all, you haven't said she's asked YOU for money.

Everyone else here is absolutely correct, and I would give the same advice. But she has not asked me for money, and what you say is just what I've been thinking, and it's what has kept me hanging on, hoping that she will tell me the truth and that she genuinely wants to change her life. Then again, leopards do not change their spots. For her to open up her past to me would be extremely painful for her, and perhaps too much for me to bear. Her whole family must know the truth about her life. So, has she changed and really loves me, or not? Boy, was I ever naive!

[quann 26]

to all the people suggesting a sit down talk...you don't realize how vicious and manipulative vietnamese girls are. they will tell you they love you with tears in their eyes and turn around 5 minutees later and file a restraining order/domestic violence and drop you so fast and laugh in your face about it.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Everyone else here is absolutely correct, and I would give the same advice. But she has not asked me for money, and what you say is just what I've been thinking, and it's what has kept me hanging on, hoping that she will tell me the truth and that she genuinely wants to change her life. Then again, leopards do not change their spots. For her to open up her past to me would be extremely painful for her, and perhaps too much for me to bear. Her whole family must know the truth about her life. So, has she changed and really loves me, or not? Boy, was I ever naive!

What did she say to you about the guy she spoke to on your cell phone?

I think when looking for the answer you need to look at her current behavior:

If she has turned away from the "past" then why is there any contact?

Why does she still have a stash of men's clothing at her home?

I can understand that it may be painful (for both of you) for her to open-up about her past but she can be truthful without giving you all of the details. Trust is a two way street. Before we got married, Anna & I shared the skeletons in our closets with each other (granted neither had something like this but we each had things that we were less than proud of).

Anyone can change if they really want to. The question is has or will she change BEFORE you make a commitment (marriage) and not as a condition of such commitment?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

to all the people suggesting a sit down talk...you don't realize how vicious and manipulative vietnamese girls are. they will tell you they love you with tears in their eyes and turn around 5 minutees later and file a restraining order/domestic violence and drop you so fast and laugh in your face about it.

You think this is limited to VN Girls? Seriously every culture has "girls" (when would you call them women) who can and will do that...

[Mike_Mac 3]

You may be dealing with a drug smuggler, or something as bad as that. Please rule that out before going anywhere with her. She obviously MUST know that you know she has gotten money from men in recent years; yet she still has not told you about her recent past. She may intend for you to think that she is an escort, to hide something worse.

Good point. But I'm sure she's not a drug smuggler. I think it's all about sex.

[LDora 7]

Everyone else here is absolutely correct, and I would give the same advice. But she has not asked me for money, and what you say is just what I've been thinking, and it's what has kept me hanging on, hoping that she will tell me the truth and that she genuinely wants to change her life. Then again, leopards do not change their spots. For her to open up her past to me would be extremely painful for her, and perhaps too much for me to bear. Her whole family must know the truth about her life. So, has she changed and really loves me, or not? Boy, was I ever naive!

I don't know her, or you, but if it were me personally in your situation, I would want to know for sure instead of just dropping her and moving on. As painful as the realisation that she might be lying to you still (or is involved in something or with someone else) may be, it's the sort of closure you really need to be able to move on. Clearly the love you/miss you phone calls with the other man is pretty damning, and I think you tripped yourself up by not demanding an explanation then and there... if she's giving you this much reason to doubt her, you are entirely justified in wanting and asking for the answers you need to have to protect yourself emotionally and financially. I just suggest the heart-to-heart because it sounds like you care about her deeply; I would suggest telling her that if she can't open up and be honest with you about her past and what's going on now, then you're going to cut her loose. If she really loves you, she'll see how important this is to you and want to set your mind at ease, and if she starts crying or getting angry at your probing in order to deflect you need to recognise that as the emotional abuse it is. You deserve better, but you also deserve to know what you've been involved with.

Also, don't let this sour you towards other relationships, no matter what part of the world it comes from. Being a Vietnamese woman does not mean you're going to be a vindictive, emotionally manipulative shrew in the same way that being an American does not mean you're going to be a judgemental, condescending fop. There are good and bad people all over the world, and the only way to find the former over the latter is to keep your heart and mind open and not let your bad experiences define who you are and how you look at things. If it hasn't already, love will find you, and it's important that you're ready to receive it emotionally and mentally when it does. Best of luck.

[quann 26]

You think this is limited to VN Girls? Seriously every culture has "girls" (when would you call them women) who can and will do that...

i think it's more prevalent in vietnam, yes. it's a unique case where every year thousands of VK show up in your country, at your cafe shop, in your club...ready to party and some even looking for wives. guys in their 50s, 60s, 70s...your job as a 24 yr old is to stand out from the other 20 girls in the club and impress them. at worst you're guaranteed some good time, best scenario you make it to america...which is everyone's dream.

i'm not saying that's the case with OP. but that's the mentality for them. actually OP might be worse, the girl is "bat ca 2 tay...or 3 or 4"

[Mike_Mac 3]

to all the people suggesting a sit down talk...you don't realize how vicious and manipulative vietnamese girls are. they will tell you they love you with tears in their eyes and turn around 5 minutees later and file a restraining order/domestic violence and drop you so fast and laugh in your face about it.

Quann, when I asked her to swear there had been no other men in her life, she packed up her suitcase and headed for the door, and I had to talk her out of it, as I live in Michigan and her nearest relative lives in a different state. So she can be a tough negotiator!

[san diego 407]

After reading all the advices I am somewhat in shock. How can anyone give advice on something like that? No one has full picture. Only OP does. OP, no one can give you advice. You have to follow your heart and common sense. I just don't think this is a question for the forum.. I don't think you can ask people advice on the net on a serious matter like that. If you do you may fall into the trap of following someone's advice that is based on incomplete information. If I was you I would rather talk to my friends. Close friends that you can completely disclose all the details to.

I apologize if my advice may not seem helpful on the first place, but iut may be most helpful overall, once you think about it..

Edited July 18, 2011 by san diego

[Fandango 1,439]

Here's the thing: you are not just wondering about her past, you are wondering about her present. The man with the phone call, her sending a pic that YOU took suggest this is not limited to the 'past' as you are there to witness it. So it's going on NOW.

[tcTTct 37]

Quann, when I asked her to swear there had been no other men in her life, she packed up her suitcase and headed for the door, and I had to talk her out of it, as I live in Michigan and her nearest relative lives in a different state. So she can be a tough negotiator!

She's a master manipulator. She hasn't asked you for money yet because they other poor bastards are still supplying her with money. You are being set up for when those other sources run dry. She called your bluff and you flinched. Please wake up. If you listen to all the "have a heart to heart, give her a chance" advice, please write a check for half your assets and just give it to her. That way you can at least save on attorney fees.

There are a lot of genuine and honest VN women out there and there are also manipulators and deceivers. The second kind can be found in working in karaoke bars, as "servers" at restaurants, as private dancers, as bar hostesses. There are no strip clubs in VN but there is plenty of sex for sale. Naive VKs and Westerners who come to VN and have never been to these places will have a hard time imagining they exist. And it's no use asking "good" people in VN because they have never been there either. In fact, there is a website where men post photos of conquests with these types of women.

To the OP. Drop her like it's hot.

Edited July 18, 2011 by tcTTct