Filipina temper ! How you control it .

[John&Juvy 36]

Well, I'm bringing this topic coz I am curious if how do you act and handle some of your situation when you are in the middle of a heating arguement with your spouse just because of his comment or act about something, that for you it was insulting and offensive and hurt your ego and filipina your pride. But according to them.. they didn't say anything like that or didn't mean it that way. But anyway, other than that... there still some fights here and there no matter how we all tried to avoid it. How do you handle it when you are very emotionally hurt by him ? Specially that they have a law here about domestic violence .

For almost 3 years of marriage I think I learned a bit of how to control my self not to be angry, coz it is more harder for me to control my self when I'm already angry . there will be a toilet paper, spatula or a pillow flying across the room if I'm already in that point. Sometimes there still some arm pinching and kicking him out of bed when he still chose to sleep in the same bed with me. Imbarassing.

How some of you do handle your fights ? Are you one of those who easy to let go and keep it to your self or you are the type of person that have a guts to say to your husband the "How dare you to talk to me like that" ! lol.

No judgement here please.... we are all human and nobody is perfect. Not even a relationship .

[Tahoma 2,291]

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

The best advice I can give you is to understand this:

If he says something that cane be taken either as good or bad then assume he meant it the good way because he loves you too much to say it the bad way.

If you think it can only be taken as bad (from your viewpoint) then before you let it hurt you ask him to explain how he means what he said because to you it seems like a hurtful thing for him to have said.

Kanos & Pinays have very different styles of communications in general and then there are person to person differences so the mix is a whole lot of messy. It will take understanding and time on both of your parts to figure out a comfortable middle ground.

[B_J 2,752]

Always just assume the man is right.

I'm just kidding. Don't throw a spatula at me.

Edited June 10, 2011 by B_J

[Messybrownhair 251]

It all depends per couple. No screaming and throwing things for us. We just talk it out, its worked so far.

Best advice given to me at my wedding was that if you are mad at each other, get naked. It will be hard to stay mad after that.

Also I think a lot of Filipinas or Asian women in general are good at the silent treatment. I know for a fact than my hubby hates it so I try to be more vocal I think the OP has the opposite problem. haha

Edited June 10, 2011 by Messybrownhair

[TeddyHoney 42]

Whne I was married before to Filina we rarely had fights. What usually happened was she would stop talking to me or acknowledging my existance for long periods of time. And I don;t man in hours - I mean days!! It was so frustrationg for me cuz I'm the kind that would just as soon put all cards on the table and has out the issues always feeling there is always a solution to a problem. But that's logical and you can throw logic out the window when dealing on emotional levels. Usually after the better part of a day asking "What's wrong" etc, and being ingored and never getting a response, I would give up and just wait until she got over it. Then she would be mad cuz I didn't keep asking her what was wrong!!! Still to this day can't figure out why women do that - and not just pinays!! As far as how I handle those, well, If I knew why she was upset and it was really my fault then I would apologize and attempt to make it up and comfort, etc. If I felt I was not wrong or never found out why she was made then I would just state my case and leave her alone and let her get over it, however long it too (I know she hated that!!) or if I did know why she was made I would just stop asking her why and leave her alone until she got over it (Don't think she really liked that either) but how much time can one give to situations like that?

My current fiancee will also do the silent treatment. Filipinas will behave this way, but there so much more I like about them that I'm willing to deal with I guess cuz I'm on my seecond! But the silent treatment is so frustrating and illogical to me. I admit I don;t handle it well, but still trying and won't give up!

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

We separate until we cool off. And then come back and talk about it.

Good thing I've got my DL!

[TeddyHoney 42]

When I was married before to Filina we rarely had fights. What usually happened was she would stop talking to me or acknowledging my existance for long periods of time. And I don't mean in hours - I mean days!! It was so frustrating for me cuz I'm the kind that would just as soon put all cards on the table and hash out the issues always feeling there is always a solution to a problem. But that's logical and you can throw logic out the window when dealing on emotional levels. Usually after the better part of a day asking "What's wrong" etc, and being ingored and never getting a response, I would give up and just wait until she got over it. Then she would be mad cuz I didn't keep asking her what was wrong!!! Still to this day can't figure out why women do that - and not just pinays!! As far as how I handle those, well, If I knew why she was upset and it was really my fault then I would apologize and attempt to make it up and comfort, etc. If I felt I was not wrong then I would just state my case and leave her alone and let her get over it, however long it took (I know she hated that!!) or if I didn't know why she was made I would just stop asking her why and leave her alone until she got over it (Don't think she really liked that either) but how much time can one give to situations like that?

My current fiancee will also do the silent treatment. Filipinas will behave this way, but there is so much more I like about them that I'm willing to deal with some of these things I guess cuz I'm on my second! But the silent treatment is so frustrating and illogical to me. I admit I don't handle it well, but still trying and won't give up! Even in my failed marriage (and I was more responsible for its initial breakdown than she was, though I take no responsibility for her actions in the end) I will say that the good in my filipina ex outweighed the times when she acted totally immature. I'll say its even better with my cirrent fiancee and I have the benefit of experience with pinays behind me also.

Good topic. I'm eager to read what others have to say about this and thier experiences.

Sorry I posted twice. I thought I was editing the first reply correcting the spelling mistakes, but it posted as new

[B_J 2,752]

Here's something we did. Either because of personality or culture, we noticed that there are things we do that annoy, bother, irritate, frustrate, etc. the other person. And honestly, we didn't even realize that what we were doing was causing the other person to feel that way. So, we sat down and talked and here's what we came up with. We did this, of course, at a time when were really happy and could discuss it without hurt feelings.

First, we wrote down three, and only three, things that the other person did that bothered us. Then, we talked about why it bothered us. Then we decided together on one thing that we could each work on changing; because seriously, trying to fix three things at once is just way too difficult for me. So, we just focused on doing one thing better. And it seemed to work.

Honestly, I think as long as two people talk and are open minded then things will work out and get better.

[JoBri 545]

Also I think a lot of Filipinas or Asian women in general are good at the silent treatment. I know for a fact than my hubby hates it so I try to be more vocal I think the OP has the opposite problem. haha

Oh my gosh, the dreaded silent treatment. That is the worst thing of anything my wife could do to me, and she does it. No shouting. No angry words. Only the silence.... That hurts worse than anything. And it leaves me very confused when I am not sure what it is exactly that she is mad about. Sometimes she is quiet and I just asume there is something wrong, and she gets tired of me asking, and keeps saying she is just tired, but I still think something is wrong and I cant figure it out and only want things to be better.

[ayenatUS 0]

I would agree to all of your opinion most of all to that "Communication" thing. actually, no matter how bad or good that issue is...I've learned that controlling your self specially when you are mad or disappointed can be learned.

'been here in US for 4 months and like every other couple have some little misunderstanding but it really works when both are involved in solving it. I tried not to speak too much or limit my response when i know i am getting mad and surprisingly HE always knows when i am there. it comes to a point that i still have to tell him, "I wanna yell on you." in a very relaxed manner...then he would start smiling almost laughing trying to control himself. Then he would tell me how valuable each minute to spend on frowning rather than smile and make laugh. and i agree....

I AM very sensitive. and i hate it too...now, our no.1 rule is to AVOID DRAMA...btw, MUSIC unite us.

we talk about any issue when we are in a very good mood. most of the time, that end up making fun out of it. and this is all we need, PATIENCE.

[sweetpink 1]

Best advice given to me at my wedding was that if you are mad at each other, get naked. It will be hard to stay mad after that.

my hubby use this trick but it doesn't work on my end. I am too emotional that when I'm angry I don't want to be touch or anything at all. I used to do silent treatment but I'm more vocal now. They also said that when you have misunderstanding never let the day end without settling it but for me I would rather cool down a bit before saying something or else I would burst my anger out and may say something that I will regret at the end.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

It's easy. I say something. She gets insulted. She makes tampo. I apologize. She makes lambing. I buy something she wants. Welcome to a typical weekend around our place.

Edited June 11, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[Messybrownhair 251]

It's easy. I say something. She gets insulted. She makes tampo. I apologize. She makes lambing. I buy something she wants. Welcome to a typical weekend around our place.

Coach always works for me... lol

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Oh my gosh, the dreaded silent treatment. That is the worst thing of anything my wife could do to me, and she does it. No shouting. No angry words. Only the silence.... That hurts worse than anything. And it leaves me very confused when I am not sure what it is exactly that she is mad about. Sometimes she is quiet and I just asume there is something wrong, and she gets tired of me asking, and keeps saying she is just tired, but I still think something is wrong and I cant figure it out and only want things to be better.

I have never had to deal with a Filipina's anger i a marriage yet, but I HAVE seen where my fiancee has started to use the silent treatment. I think that is every bit as wrong as yelling and throwing things, just at the opposite end of the spectrum. If a spouse refuses to talk (for a long time I mean, not for just a little while while they collect their thoughts and feelings), I think it best to just go about my business and ignore them back. Go for a drive (alone), go shopping (for groceries, not things, no need to be sayang), work on a hobby... anything to put distance between you. Soon, he/she will tire of the aloneness, and will crave the closeness, and will work towards a solution that brings the two of you together again. This worked with my ex wife, so I will have to see how it does for my filipina bride when she gets here and gets real mad at me.

As has been said already, communication is the key in ANY relationship, regardless of who it is. Men and women talk, act, and think differently. Now add the cultural differences between Americans and Filipinas, and it has the potential to be much worse. But talking about it, explaining (on her side) why/how she got her feelings hurt, and you REALLY listening, not butting in and trying to explain it away (I am bad about this, hence I know to talk about it)... but really hearing her out, and telling you hear and understand her. Then you have to do the hard part... try to change your behaviour so it does not hurt her in the future. Yeah, you gotta change some, too, you can't just expect her to accept your crass ways that cause her pain. It's a give and take situation.

It is seldom easy, but in the end, the trust, love, and strength of the marriage is only made stronger when a couple communicate and make small changes to accommodate each other. Give before you expect to receive, and typically, the other will be willing to give back. (I say typically, because my ex would take, take, and take, rarely giving of herself. But I think my sweet little devil of a Filipina will be different from that attitude).

Above all, just love each other, no matter what. Love overlooks a LOT of flaws.