I FEEL STUCK!!!!

[SeeTheMilkyWay 0]

I'm not sure what to do? I have always been who I am and feel I do ALOT for my new husband. I also made sure to ask the right questions up front, discuss important issues, let him know how I feel in certain areas so there would be no surprises for him when he arrived to the US.

Now that he is in the US, more and more I feel less love and more distance, to the point I feel stuck. He goes to bed late, sleeps in late, then when he is awake, he sits on the computer all day reading news articles or tweeting. I get VERY little help with anything else. I work, I pay all the bills, I do 99.9% of the cleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, taking care of the pets and him. He only helps once in a while, and mainly when I've had to ask several times. If I talk about this as an issue, he says... "I didn't come here to be your slave"... but in the meantime, I'm the one doing it all. Now that he finally received his employment authorization, he is not even bothering to look for a job. I've been the one searching and sending off resumes for him, because I'm desperate to get help with the finances. Today he said thank you for continually doing the job searches for him, because he would have given up by now (as if he even started). I just don't know what kind of "man" could behave this way???

When things are fine (meaning, I'm not complaining about what he's not doing) then things are ok, except for I feel continuously exhausted. But what's worse, because of the "culture" of where he comes from, he says he can't let his mom or brother know yet that we are married. He said he has to tell them he's staying at my mother's house, separate from me. I make sure to send his mother cards in the mail and flowers delivered to say hi and be in touch, but how can you come here with the intention of getting married and not tell your mom after 8 months of being married. Speaking of being married for 8 months now.... he won't have sex with me, because he said he's waiting till we have a ceremony in his religion. I found all the details and told him let's go, but he ignores and delays the subject. We've never had sex, so I believe in the US, that means we are still not legally married right?

I want him to go home, because this just doesn't seem fair... and I'm tired of feeling used and depleted of energy, finances and love. I just worry about what he might do if I force the issue for him to leave. He has a temper when we argue and gets very verbally abusive and behaves a bit erratic. It's hard to explain, because usually he is so normal, its just those few times when things aren't good, and its enough to make me a bit worried.

We have an in person interview with USCIS coming up in 2 weeks. This is the final phase for him to be approved for his adjustment of status or not. So I don't know if I tell them this, will they send him home. Or do I have to prove it somehow? I don't want this to be a big scene. I wish we could mutually resolve and/or split. But I just feel so stuck since he's not from here and he has no friends or family, so I can't ask him to leave. Normally in the US, a couple would just split up and go their separate ways. I feel very used.

Edited May 14, 2011 by SeeTheMilkyWay

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I'm not sure what to do? I have always been who I am and feel I do ALOT for my new husband. I also made sure to ask the right questions up front, discuss important issues, let him know how I feel in certain areas so there would be no surprises for him when he arrived to the US.

Now that he is in the US, more and more I feel less love and more distance, to the point I feel stuck. He goes to bed late, sleeps in late, then when he is awake, he sits on the computer all day reading news articles or tweeting. I get VERY little help with anything else. I work, I pay all the bills, I do 99.9% of the cleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, taking care of the pets and him. He only helps once in a while, and mainly when I've had to ask several times. If I talk about this as an issue, he says... "I didn't come here to be your slave"... but in the meantime, I'm the one doing it all. Now that he finally received his employment authorization, he is not even bothering to look for a job. I've been the one searching and sending off resumes for him, because I'm desperate to get help with the finances. Today he said thank you for continually doing the job searches for him, because he would have given up by now (as if he even started). I just don't know what kind of "man" could behave this way???

When things are fine (meaning, I'm not complaining about what he's not doing) then things are ok, except for I feel continuously exhausted. But what's worse, because of the "culture" of where he comes from, he says he can't let his mom or brother know yet that we are married. He said he has to tell them he's staying at my mother's house, separate from me. I make sure to send his mother cards in the mail and flowers delivered to say hi and be in touch, but how can you come here with the intention of getting married and not tell your mom after 8 months of being married. Speaking of being married for 8 months now.... he won't have sex with me, because he said he's waiting till we have a ceremony in his religion. I found all the details and told him let's go, but he ignores and delays the subject. We've never had sex, so I believe in the US, that means we are still not legally married right?

I want him to go home, because this just doesn't seem fair... and I'm tired of feeling used and depleted of energy, finances and love. I just worry about what he might do if I force the issue for him to leave. He has a temper when we argue and gets very verbally abusive and behaves a bit erratic. It's hard to explain, because usually he is so normal, its just those few times when things aren't good, and its enough to make me a bit worried.

We have an in person interview with USCIS coming up in 2 weeks. This is the final phase for him to be approved for his adjustment of status or not. So I don't know if I tell them this, will they send him home. Or do I have to prove it somehow? I don't want this to be a big scene. I wish we could mutually resolve and/or split. But I just feel so stuck since he's not from here and he has no friends or family, so I can't ask him to leave. Normally in the US, a couple would just split up and go their separate ways. I feel very used.

I'm sorry if my response is a bit blunt, I realize that you're in pain already but here goes.

Sister, he's playing you. A MAN doesn't let someone he purportedly loves suffer. Not even for a second. If he has to dig ditches and scrub toilets, then that's what a MAN does. Your new husband is a house guest and a sponge, nothing more and nothing less. I'm sorry but that's my feeling on the matter. He doesn't want to marry you, period. If he loved you he would stand up to his family and tell them, especially after you're legally married for 8 mos. Heck, he'd say 'let's get hitched' and be done with it. He's a user, pure and simple. He feels no compulsion in being lazy and doesn't feel any sympathy for you whatsoever. You are killing yourself, for what? Don't you deserve better than this? He gets "very verbally abusive and behaves erratic," when confronted, what do you suppose will happen in the future? His normal is for you to kowtow to his whims and not question him, what's wrong with this picture? If you've never had sex then the marriage is legal but it can be annulled since it has never been consummated.

Edited May 14, 2011 by IR5FORMUMSIE

[SeeTheMilkyWay 0]

I totally feel used... I just don't know how to best get out of this situation since he has no where to go in the meantime. If I file for the marriage to be annulled, then how do I get him out of my home and life if he doesn't have money or resources here? How do I make him get on a plane and go home if he doesn't want to, since he knows he has it so good here. Is he allowed to stay in the US if he hasn't received his adjustment of status yet. Will he receive his adjustment of status even if I file for an annulment? Till he leaves, he has no where else to stay but with me, so I just don't want to be worried to come home or even worried that he'll retaliate and trash my house if he feels forced to give up the good life and opportunity for US Citizenship, you know. Because that's what it feels like now... that he's trying to ride things out. But I just don't want more problems, so I don't know what the next steps are to safely take?

And thank you for your blunt response I really appreciate honesty and feel every word you are saying!

Edited May 14, 2011 by SeeTheMilkyWay

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I totally feel used... I just don't know how to best get out of this situation since he has no where to go in the meantime. If I file for the marriage to be annulled, then how do I get him out of my home and life if he doesn't have money or resources here? How do I make him get on a plane and go home if he doesn't want to, since he knows he has it so good here. Is he allowed to stay in the US if he hasn't received his adjustment of status yet. Will he receive his adjustment of status even if I file for an annulment? Till he leaves, he has no where else to stay but with me, so I just don't want to be worried to come home or even worried that he'll retaliate and trash my house if he feels forced to give up the good life and opportunity for US Citizenship, you know. Because that's what it feels like now... that he's trying to ride things out. But I just don't want more problems, so I don't know what the next steps are to safely take?

And thank you for your blunt response I really appreciate honesty and feel every word you are saying!

You are a good soul and I understand feeling for another human being but self-preservation is paramount here. He is killing you slowly, but surely. You need to consult with a Woman's Shelter. Get an order of protection if you are scared (especially if he has hit you or threatened you) and it sounds like he will go crazy if you ask him to leave. If you want to withdraw the petition, don't go to the interview and write to USCIS informing them that you wish to withdraw the petition. You must attend as a couple any immigration hearing. As for him, he can go to a mosque (?) or he can go home, since he doesn't want to be your MAN why should you treat him like your husband? As a MAN, he repulses me and paints us all in a bad light. As far as not having sex, it's because he doesn't want to be intimate with you.

[Tim/Mav 305]

OK. Honestly, there are 2 sides to every story. But, if what you say is true. It's done. It's over. I don't need to Copy above qoates to answer this. The problem is your not happy and feel like why proceed any futhur when you know in your heart it is waste of time and energy for no gain. If he becomes Abusive or violent simply by using his voice and acting irracticle you are allowed to call authorities and have him removed. (If you are to afraid to do this then you fall under what many abused women go through, afraid to report) This is a big decision for you and YOU BETTER MAKE YOUR MIND UP NOW What you are going to do. Does not matter if he does'nt work because you let him get away with it but NOW your looking at the Long Term and it is best you make a decision NOW. Not in 2 Weeks. Thats a Start. BUT NOT THE END when he realizes that YOU ARE NOT ON HIS SIDE. Make a Choice>..... Hope it is for the Best. Follow your Heart. If it seems wrong to you, then it is wrong.. Good Luck

[Golden Gate 530]

You can't worry about him now. You need to worry about yourself. Think about what is best for you, only. Contact a women's crisis center, and get advise from them. You might have to go to a shelter, and then find out by what means to get him out of your house. First, take precautions for yourself and seek help. You should be able to get some kind of free legal counsel - check this through the shelter. Good Luck!

[SeeTheMilkyWay 0]

You are so right... there are two sides to every story and he would say I complain all the time. But honestly I try to not do it so much, because I want to give him a fair chance to take on responsibility at home and with job searching, etc. But after 8 months of marriage and 10 months of him being here in the US... it is really just getting more and more apparent that I feel used. I really pride myself on being fair and honest so it is all true.

I appreciate the advice and think I will go talk to someone at a local Mosque to ask if they have a support system for him till he is able to go home. I want him to be able to get his belongings and stay with someone till he is able to leave. If he gets verbally abusive or more in the meantime, I will call and report it. He has not hit me, but I just don't get a good vibe at all when he gets angry. Definitely not a normal adult disagreement scenario... its very emotional and escalates quickly to screaming and staying up all night till he forces me to say the answers he wants to hear to make him feel better. Then the next day he might actually apologize and realize it wasn't cool... but this has happened one too many times now, where I have to stop saying to myself.... "ok, well maybe he's just having a hard time adjusting and being away from his friends and family." And the fact that his extended family have disowned him for leaving his mom to come to the US. His mom knows he is here and they talk often and she is ok with it, but no one else is.

I waited 37 years to get married to the right person... and only planned to do it once. I got to know him for 2 years and met several times before we were married. I felt I really bypassed the "head in the clouds phase" of the initial relationship to really make sure he was the right one and who he said he was. Boy... do I feel robbed! I just can't believe this is now happening. What's worse is that all this has an even deeper effect on friends, family, future life plans (potential children, finances, work, etc.). If his family asks, I will never let them think anything but that he is a good guy and things just didn't work... because he's the one who will have to deal with himself on this someday if he decides to. I also think I will have to make up an excuse for my friends and family, that his mom got sick or something and he had to go home. I pride myself on honesty, but I also don't want there to be negative feelings towards him and people from his part of the world, because that is the first thing I think people will attack, instead of just trying to understand that this was just a big mistake.

I just have to say I feel a little sad and alone in this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH for Visa Journey and those of you who have/will respond with advice and support :)

[Golden Gate 530]

I think it is a good idea to talk to a local mosque. I hope you can find some solutions.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

You are so right... there are two sides to every story and he would say I complain all the time. But honestly I try to not do it so much, because I want to give him a fair chance to take on responsibility at home and with job searching, etc. But after 8 months of marriage and 10 months of him being here in the US... it is really just getting more and more apparent that I feel used. I really pride myself on being fair and honest so it is all true.

I appreciate the advice and think I will go talk to someone at a local Mosque to ask if they have a support system for him till he is able to go home. I want him to be able to get his belongings and stay with someone till he is able to leave. If he gets verbally abusive or more in the meantime, I will call and report it. He has not hit me, but I just don't get a good vibe at all when he gets angry. Definitely not a normal adult disagreement scenario... its very emotional and escalates quickly to screaming and staying up all night till he forces me to say the answers he wants to hear to make him feel better. Then the next day he might actually apologize and realize it wasn't cool... but this has happened one too many times now, where I have to stop saying to myself.... "ok, well maybe he's just having a hard time adjusting and being away from his friends and family." And the fact that his extended family have disowned him for leaving his mom to come to the US. His mom knows he is here and they talk often and she is ok with it, but no one else is.

I waited 37 years to get married to the right person... and only planned to do it once. I got to know him for 2 years and met several times before we were married. I felt I really bypassed the "head in the clouds phase" of the initial relationship to really make sure he was the right one and who he said he was. Boy... do I feel robbed! I just can't believe this is now happening. What's worse is that all this has an even deeper effect on friends, family, future life plans (potential children, finances, work, etc.). If his family asks, I will never let them think anything but that he is a good guy and things just didn't work... because he's the one who will have to deal with himself on this someday if he decides to. I also think I will have to make up an excuse for my friends and family, that his mom got sick or something and he had to go home. I pride myself on honesty, but I also don't want there to be negative feelings towards him and people from his part of the world, because that is the first thing I think people will attack, instead of just trying to understand that this was just a big mistake.

I just have to say I feel a little sad and alone in this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH for Visa Journey and those of you who have/will respond with advice and support :)

If you need any help, we're here for you!!!

[Tim/Mav 305]

You are a good soul and I understand feeling for another human being but self-preservation is paramount here. He is killing you slowly, but surely. You need to consult with a Woman's Shelter. Get an order of protection if you are scared (especially if he has hit you or threatened you) and it sounds like he will go crazy if you ask him to leave. If you want to withdraw the petition, don't go to the interview and write to USCIS informing them that you wish to withdraw the petition. You must attend as a couple any immigration hearing. As for him, he can go to a mosque (?) or he can go home, since he doesn't want to be your MAN why should you treat him like your husband? As a MAN, he repulses me and paints us all in a bad light. As far as not having sex, it's because he doesn't want to be intimate with you.

Now I'll repost a members view. You sound pretty intellegent. But, I disagree you should leave your own home if a argument occurs and seek shelter at a womans shelter unless absolutely called for. Read the above Post VERY Well about your attendance at the interview. I myself am way to short of a time period to really know the facts about the above post. Does make sense though. If you feel a Fight is coming (you would know, not us) Inform the Local Authorities that this is a posibility and hopefully they can assist you if that happens. Point is: They were made Aware. I talk to much.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Now I'll repost a members view. You sound pretty intellegent. But, I disagree you should leave your own home if a argument occurs and seek shelter at a womans shelter unless absolutely called for. Read the above Post VERY Well about your attendance at the interview. I myself am way to short of a time period to really know the facts about the above post. Does make sense though. If you feel a Fight is coming (you would know, not us) Inform the Local Authorities that this is a posibility and hopefully they can assist you if that happens. Point is: They were made Aware. I talk to much.

I'm sorry if what I said was misconstrued. I did not say that she should leave her home. The OP was afraid that her husband would destroy the house and kill the pets. The message her husband sends is clear, first I destroy your possessions, this is what I'm going to do to you. You don't talk to much, you are upset, this poor woman is being hurt by her bum of a husband.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

I feel the urge to give you an honest-to-Allah response, but it would only upset you even more and get me suspended. So I just get to the bottom line, if I may. The chances that this marriage is going anywhere where you will experience martial bliss and respect are about the same as you winning the jackpot in the state lottery, twice in a row. You have the chance to end this now before it will consume every bit of your sanity, dignity, and self-respect.

Have a friend over and tell him in his or her presence that you want him out of the house . . . now. Rent a room in a Motel 6 anywhere and bite the financial bullet for 1 week, max. Then ask for your house keys, demand them. Book a flight for him back to Egypt and tell him that you will not go to the interview and will not provide an Affidavit of Support for him. Tell him to hurry, because his mommy is waiting for him.

Then you book a room in another motel or stay with a friend for a week. You don't want him to wait for you at your door. Do not go back to your house for a week, but have a friend check every single day if everything is in order. Tell him that if he doesn't take the flight home, he will be very sorry later on.

[Ready to do it 101]

I think there 2 issues that really haven't been addressed. I'm assuming you want the marriage to end properly. I.e. you need to get divorced, correct? The other issue is... while this guy is all wrong for you (which I agree as the intimacy is not going to change), ultimately you probably do still care about both him and his well being. I think both of those issues... the divorce and how to resolve everything that makes it so he cooperatively leaves is in everyone's best interest. My advice is you guys should go get some couseling. I wouldn't try to work it out by yourself b/c of your safety. I wouldn't get a friend involved b/c that will just make him feel belittled. I wouldn't get law enforcement involved, simply because he is from the middle east. That sounds harsh, but ultimately you just want the guy gone. You don't want something bad to happen to him. Law enforcement could take it the wrong way, and do some things that perhaps you wouldn't like happen. You just never know. I think the solution is go together to get counseling. You should already have the mindset that 1) You care about him greatly but it just didn't work out, 2) you want him to leave, 3) you want a divorce and I would get all that signed etc, and 4) you guys need to work out how to get his stuff out and I guess him on a plane. The one downside in all of this... depending on the state you are in there is probably laws on how long you have to wait for divorce to go to court etc once you have petitioned for divorce. Sounds like you need some legal counsel on that.

End of the day, I can tell you from personal experience and being a man... the intimacy issue and depression (which is what the staying up all night on computer is most likely) will not change ever in this relationship. Good luck to you and keep the board informed. This is a very interesting but sad situation. I can only imagine how much you went through to get him here, it really is a bummer that this didn't work out.... especially after it seemed you really gave the relationship time.

Out of curiosity (and you don't have to answer).... Was there ever sex? I.e. Before you married and he was in his country and I assume you went and visited (face to face requirement), did you guys have sex? Regularly? Did he seem like he was pasionately in love and it just all changed when he got here? Next, was the staying up all night and sleeping late everyday typical for him in his home country, or did it just start in the US? Lastly, what sort of work did he do in his home country?

[Golden Gate 530]

Ready to do it:

You bring up some very interesting questions. If his family is quite religious, it makes sense that he wouldn't have sex before getting married. It's possible that he is trying to save face, because he hasn't followed the norms of his religion in terms

of getting married according to his family's traditions and the accepted norms of his country. However, he decided to go against these norms anyway, yet at the same time is trying to pretend that he hasn't. There is obviously some sort of disconnect. I think you offer her good advice.

The OP only has two weeks to figure this whole situation out. I think talking to an Imam at a mosque could help give her insight, and also talking to a counselor. However, having been in a somewhat similar situation with someone from another country, I can say that couples counseling could become a long, drawn-out situation with little positive results, especially as she would be the one initiating everything. They can certainly try. She seems determined that he should leave and it sounds like she has a plan by going to the mosque. It seems that he would more likely accept what an Imam would say, than a counselor. I think it is good for her to seek counseling for herself to really feel confident in what she needs for herself. She can't change him. That is why I suggested she contact a women's crisis center. They can be a good support for her in this troubling situation. I can see that the OP has a lot of compassion for him and doesn't want to make his life any worse. I'm not sure what she means when she says that they are up for hours, until she comes around to his way of thinking, and then in the morning he might feel sorry about how he acted. What is his way of thinking? This reminds me of my situation. I felt like I had to accept his way of thinking, which meant accepting and tolerating things I couldn't tolerate, because he might apologize later for his behavior, but then the whole cycle would just start all over again. Whatever she decides, she needs to work fast and he needs to realize things about himself. I hope that he is willing to cooperate with her.

#######

Huh?

[Nagishkaw 510]

The message her husband sends is clear, first I destroy your possessions, this is what I'm going to do to you.

Typical of a controlling abuser, not to mention a self-serving little brat. He is using emotional blackmail and you have to stop giving in to him and covering up for his sorry butt. He gets away with treating you like garbage because he knows he can by you basically allowing it. Have you ever thought that you married a sociopath ? The very bottom line is, he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you. All the doing for him and catering to his needs isn't going to make him love you. I think you know that. Further, for him to withhold sex from you is a form of cruelty and torture, and you have been married for how long ?? You are being far too kind. I would take him and his belongings and literally dump him off at the mosque, and that would be the last thing I would do for this bum.