Sharing some red flags

[BocaChicaBabe 6]

I’m sorry that people are going through this. I applaud all the ladies strong enough to admit they may have missed things along the way and who have been brave enough to share their stories. It’s not always easy to accept responsibility for what may have gone wrong. The important part is your eyes are open and you’ve learned from your experience.

I completely agree that red flags apply to all women (and men are not exempt either). I feel threads like this are very important, and was a little shocked that since joining I hadn’t seen much advice on the importance of being careful/aware when entering into situations like this. In the DR portal, I’ve read posts all the way back to 2007 and haven’t seen one thread about red flags. The DR is also considered high fraud, so that was strange to me. It seems most of the posts are about how horrible the wait for the petition approval is, congratulations on NOA2s, complaints about how long it takes for an interview to be scheduled, and other posts that don’t touch on the number of people willing to do ANYTHING to get out of that country.

After reading so many perky posts, I formed the opinion that VJ is full of positive followers who maybe don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I was a little turned off by it. Now don’t get it twisted. I absolutely wish everyone the best and hope things work out for everyone, but I’m a woman that lives in reality. Fantasies have never been my style and I always want to know what I could be dealing with before I get too heavily involved. Everyone wants to believe their man is different and one of the good ones, but the harsh reality is we can’t ALL have the good one. When dealing with a high fraud county, a lot of people are going to get taken advantage of. And I didn’t feel that issue was addressed enough here, at least not in my portal.

I came to VJ after reading a lot on a Dominican site that helps with the visa process while at the same time beats people over the head with what red flags to look for. It also mentions a lot about the culture and the typical behavior of a Dominican man, which is helpful because we can’t possibly know everything about a culture unless we lived it. When red flags were pointed out to someone, they NEVER listened. The most popular response was “I know my man better than any of you.” Yes, you know your man, but that might be ONLY what your man wants you to know. But do you know the culture? Many times the red flags people pointed out had to do with the man’s behavior going against cultural norm. The advice was coming from Dominicans and it was American women getting defensive and disregarding it.

Every relationship is a gamble and requires a lot of work, but maybe this type even more so due to cultural differences and distance. It requires more money, time, acceptance, patience, research, and an open mind. It’s a different situation and we have to have a different approach. I agree with Zee Bee that once that woman’s met her man and started the process, you can’t tell her NOTHING! I, on the other hand, left myself open to what others had to say about my relationship. I said to my family/friends, “If you see something that maybe I’m missing, please let me know. There’s a possibility that because I love this man, I’m overlooking a lot of things that I shouldn’t be.” I’d never done that before, but because this was a different situation I approached it differently. I got two negative responses, one of which has changed since getting to know more about my husband and the other is from a person that hates life and everything about it. I read a lot and I took everyone’s opinion/thoughts into consideration prior to making my final decision.

I love my husband to death, but from day one I’ve paid close attention to everything he says/does and have kept in mind he could just want a visa. One red flag was him wanting us to be exclusive about 3 days after meeting and he said he loved me about a month later. Like you MAO36, I believe it’s impossible to love someone you barely know. Besides that I can’t honestly say there’s anything else that has concerned me. That’s definitely not to say I’ve shut myself off to the possibility of him using me, because I’m fully aware he could change any day.

I hope you didn’t mind me posting since my husband is not from Africa. I had to abandon my somewhat unrealistic portal and start checking out other high fraud countries to see what others were experiencing. While I hate to see situations where people were denied visas or people were used, I’ve gotten some great information from those threads where that happened to be the case. I wanted to see what’s really going on out there, so I kept it moving because the DR portal has very few denial threads and zero stories of fraud. I think most people are afraid to accept/post the truth. That’s why I thank you ladies for putting it out there for the people who really want to know. You all have provided so much valuable information for someone that enters into this blindly or is treating it as a “normal” relationship.

I know some red flags can be culture specific, so I’ll post red flags that I feel can be applied to every culture and both men and women.

--SO doesn’t EVER pick you up/drop you off at the airport.

Physical time together is very limited in this type of long distance relationship. In my opinion, if the person you’re spending a ton of money to visit isn’t concerned enough to be there with you as soon as you arrive and up until the moment you leave, then that should be a concern.

I know a woman whose SO has NEVER been to the airport when she arrived/departed for any of her visits. He’s never been concerned about how she gets to/from the airport. He only showed up at the hotel after she’s checked in and has left BEFORE she’s checked out to go to the airport.

--SO has a story about a very sick family member or some other sad story and then asks you to send money.

A fairly new member (many of you have tried to help to notice her red flags), recently updated her profile about her fiancé and a robbery. That was very suspicious to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already been to Western Union.

--I know it’s been mentioned that in African culture a man spending a lot of time in public with his woman might not be acceptable. BUT if behind closed doors the person isn’t trying to maximize the limited amount of time they have together, then that should be a concern.

I’ve read a man’s love story where he visited his woman for just a short weekend and he proposed to her during that visit. The day he proposed, she decided she was going to go out for girl’s night with her cousin and some other females they’d just met that day.

How do you choose spending time with people you don’t know (who live in the same country and you can hang with whenever you want) over spending time with the person you claim to love, but rarely get to spend time with? When you love and miss someone, you should want to maximize the time you have with that person, so girl’s/boy’s night out can wait.

[Zee Bee 61]

Hi BocaChicaBabe. Thank you so much for contributing to this thread. I believe that we can all learn from each other in this process and its important that we learn from both the good and the bad.

[S_R 148]

I wanted to add to this topic something that came to mind while reading through the posts. Mao36 mentiond our men "going buck wild". I think she may have struck gold when she said that. I say this becuase the temptations that are pushed in our husbands faces in this country can be overwhelming. They are overwhelming for Americans who have lived here all their lives.

We have the largest porn industry in the world,the desire for newer and better things shoved in our faces everyday on television and internet,the nice cars and new models that come out it seems bi-weekly, and a society that tells us you are nothing without a high education and a six figure income.

Also look at the way many Americans dont value marriage at all. Women here believe being the mistress has more clout than the wife and are angry when someone elses husband wont leave their WIVES! Add to that the lack of modesty in most American fashion and the way some women push themselves on other men whether married or not!

Most of our husbands while seeing these same issues in their home countries do not see it on the same grand level that they experiance here. In their countries a woman may not even glance at them unless they can shower them with money first yet when they get here in the States most women are just looking for a set of pants, whether the pockets are empty or not.

You should see the way women threw themselves on my husband while we went through a short seperation. They didnt even know me and accused me of cheating in order to lure my husband to cheat with them. One coworker even had the audacity to ask my husband if I planned my pregnancy to keep him and was he happy about it!!!! This same woman kept trying to lure my husband to dinner at her home until he told her he would come....WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN!!! She has since stopped trying as hard, but she has yet to fully stop. Even going to the point of implying I dont take care of my husband at home becuase when he comes to work at the WAREHOUSE, he doesnt wear nice cloths!!!

Add to all of this pressure, the pressures our husband go through adjusting to a new country, the initial stress of actually living in a cross culteral marriage,the arguing and friction that usually go with it, and the temptation many encounter with their first constant source of income, nicer clothes, first car ever in some cases, and the steady stream of women who come across as a easy stress release from their pressures at home.

These are not to excuse them but to offer insight into what may happen when they come here and experiance culture shock and wander lust.

What we women can do to help our marriages is try to leave the arguing alone. Try our hardest to be accomodating, respectfull, and supportive. Realize that their initial withdrawl from us may not be "us" but may be due to homesickness, culture shock, and worry over adjusting and the process of finding a job.My husband used to always comment on how in Korea and Nigeria there were hardly any such things as applications and prior experiance. He said most employers just took you on and saw if you could do the job or not, or knowing someone in the right places got you the work you needed. He also said many people in his country simply went into business for themselves, and there was not all this extra to worry about in doing so. He said even to drive was no big deal. There were no driving tests or the like.

Things here are so different. The things we need are hard to come by while the junk we dont is readily available to drag us into mess.

I am not talking about those men who have other wives or have already exhibited no love or affection or the desire for a easy buck. I feel you ladies have already given a plethera of red flags for others to watch out for. But I also wanted to add that this is not always the case but there can be other factors involved that can put MAJOR strain on a new marriage. And remember just becuase we may have been married in years, the real marriage doesnt start till we share the same roof. Also remember this, nobody is perfect. Yes our husbands have imperfections and that also means we do too. We also have different ways of communicating and interacting. Also like I always have to remind myself first, everybody thinks they are right when they are angry LOL.

A husband who loves his wife can still be selfish, hot tempered, and tempted.

wow!!! You couldn't have said it any better. I hope you do practice what you have shared....your hubby is blessed 2 have you.

[P and G 5]

I have been reading this topic since it started and didn't really think I had anything to add because my husband isn't here yet. I'll share my experience from another perspective. I dated another Nigerian man who was already here legally in the states for 10 years and he was like what some of you ladies have shared, didn't take me out, was not affectionate, it was his way or no way, he was on other dating sites, etc. etc. I got out of that "relationship" because it just didn't feel right, but not before giving too much of myself and getting hurt. I finally woke up and realized that I deserved better than that. I met my husband online (I made the first move) and I am 11 years older than him. What is different in this relationship is it is natural and I don't have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is not right. I always have that feeling when something is not right in a relationship even when I choose to ignore it.

I went to Nigeria with my children to have the traditonal ceremony and we stayed with my husband's family. His sister, mother, father, nieces, nephew, childhood friends, neighbors, etc. all were there for the ceremony. His pastor of 14 years performed the ceremony, and 6 elder males from the church were there. The next day we went to the church and the Pastor called us to the front and announced to the entire church that he had finally gotten married and introduced us, everyone came up and shook our hand and prayed for us. His eldest sister who is a Police Officer took me to her job to meet her superior officer. He has a 8-year old daughter from a previous relationship that me and the children have spoken to over the phone and were able to finally meet. The kids refer to each other as brother and sister.

I guess my point is in this relationship there is a lot of family bonding and openness, his mother and father call my dad often to chat with him. His nieces and nephew are close with my children. I am very close to his parents. He and I are very affectionate towards one another. We were always together. His mother commented to him recently that he openly expresses his love to me no matter who is there (except for the elders), while she felt that his dad did not do that because it is not what they do in the culture. She likes that my husband is that way with me. My husband says he feels that is a part of the problem with the culture in Nigeria that too many people are afraid to be themselves bcause this thing or that thing is not a part of the culture.

When I first met my husband I was skeptical bcause of the known scams, so I got my family involved to check him out. My sister and brother-in-law spent many nights giving him the third degree. I had several things that I was on the alert for and knew if he did certain things that it would be a red flag and I would be out of there immediately (i.e. wanting money, inconsistencies, disrespecting me, lies, incongruency [words not matching action], etc.). I should also point out that he does not have any friends in the U.S. I believe he has one cousin that he hasn't seen or spoken to in years that lives in California.

Only time will tell if he is the same person once he gets here. If he is not he has a lot of people that he must give account to on both sides. His Pastor watches over us and advises us because he wants us to be successful.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

I came by to check on everyone and see how everyone is and saw that I have missed alot of posts.

I am so happy to read of the progress you are having MAO36. I read it and had a sigh of relief. It may be temporary becuase marriage does come with tribulation but I thank Jehovah that you are having a peacfull and happy time with your husband at the moment. Girl you are not alone. I spoke of some changes I have made in my marriage and that things are 80% better but that was not to say we will not and do not have any problems ever. For things to be 100% would say that my husband and i were perfect but since were not I know we will have problems. But I am so happy that you can have a moment of peace and Joy and pray that Jehovah will continue to bless your efforts.

Also to everyone that posted such sad storied of betrayal and dishonesty I am soo sorry to read this. I know it wont help to know when you are experiance such pain, but believe that these people that do these bad things will not succeed. Neither will their families that help them. Their success may seem certain in their eyes but what they cannot forget is God says, he cannot be mocked, you reap what you sow.

I will leave the vengance to God and only pray that you find some peace and eventual happiness in your life. You have gone through a lot of pain and God will not let you take more than you can bare. He lets us go through things to refine us and make us stronger. He also does this to show us how more than ever we as humans need to rely on him. That is the most important thing but the hardest thing to do becuase we want the peace of mind now lol. But the truth is we cannot do anything but wait. Wait on God to act in our behalf and then see all the wonderful ways he will act. Its hard to struggle and suffer, I know, but I pray that all of us will be better, stronger, and wiser and most of all closer to God when all is said and done.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

wow!!! You couldn't have said it any better. I hope you do practice what you have shared....your hubby is blessed 2 have you.

Thank you. I really do try hard to keep silent and show a lot of respect, even when it means shutting up, jumping in my car and trying to run him over lol. But seriously, I cannot take credit for anything, I can only say I am blessed to have God who listens to my prayers and gives me the strength and wiswdom to be a better wife. I am not a good wife, great wife, or anything special but I fight to do whats right if for anything to make God happy.

Its hard and there is no easy way around the struggles in marriage and this life. I have many times of doubt and sadness, pain and anxiety, anger and frustration. But Jehovah God keeps me moving in the right direction even when I feel I cant.

I and my hubby are blessed from having God in my life.

[maimouna 21]

Hello Ladies,

Again, I feel so bad when I hear the horror stories and also feel somewhat good when I hear the happy endings, babies on the way etc... I wish those couples nothing but success.

I think I said it before, I was born and raised in West Africa and just can't believe/stomach what these people are doing. Be strong, I am praying for all of you. If this thread even help one woman, helps her open her eyes, I think it is worth it!!

Congrats Zee Bee and the 4theloveofHenry on your bundles of joy. Sounds so exciting!

Edited May 16, 2011 by maimouna

[moon68 2]

I would like to take the time to post a little something.......I think no one ever knows for sure if things are going to work out in a long distence relationship such as ours until our husband or wife gets here to the states.......Yes there are plenty of warning signs before it gets that far....However let me say there are also signs to let you know this could be for real......in my case the signs that I looked at was how he treated me when I was there....did I have his attention? did he enjoy being with me? was he embarresed of me? Yes I am a plus size.....well let me tell you this ......The moment I got off the plan really told me a lot and is something I will never forget......Once I got within his reach....He grabbbed me and pulled me close and gave me such a kiss that would have even embarresed me here in the states......He would not let go of me from the airport all the way home......we did get married there and afterward we stayed with his family......while there he washed my clothes and took care of my ever need.....I got seprated from my clothes that I had brought with me so him and his family bought me traditonal clothes......when we went out to walk around he always went with me holding my hand and even holding my dress up so I would not fall.....He kept reminding me I was in Nigeria........there was a couple of times I had decided to talk a walk with his aunt....I was maybe out the door for five min......he came looking for me.....said he could not sleep knowing that I was not there with him.....next time I went out was to go visit a women that had just had a baby and due to rain we got stuck there for over an hour till the rain stopped.....when I arrived back to the house I found him sleeping with pictures of our wedding laying all around him as he slept......I asked him what he was doing......He said he just wanted to feel close to me even though I was not there.......those were the moments that let me know that this was for real.....words can not express how this man has taken care of me since he has been here......we have gone through a lot and he has been right there by my side.....we have lost 3 preg. and now losing a foster child that we had taken in trying to help the grandmother of this little girl.....He has and is right there by my side through it all......I Thank Jehovah every day that I married this man....I also Thank him for not letting me fall into the wrong hands which I could have done so very easily.....Always depending on Jehovah and trusting him 100% is the key....

[His Glory 25]

yeah sometimes u get a good one and sometimes u get a dud but trusting Jehovah is always the key to keeping your joy no matter what the outcome is and what life throws at u. Doesnt mean u want fall sometimes but He will lend u a hand to get back up. And God has and will continue to bless u Moon. Everything can be considered a joy with that right attitude.

[MAO36 30]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SPEECHLESS AT THE ABUNDANCE OF LOVE AND CONCERN BEING DISPLAYED ON THIS TOPIC!!!!!

I would love to respond to each posts directly but it would take all night! For those who have weathered the storm, words can never described the joy I am feeling in my heart for each one of you. All the posts have been so encouraging, so informative and filled with honest red flags and thoughts. I love it!

WELLL........ I would like for you all to take a seat, relax, grab a cup of tea or coffee and get ready for what I'm about to tell you all. I'll leave out the unimportant details since the posts may become too long. Ladies & Gents.... my suspicion has been confirmed. I awakened to a call coming in from my husbands cell phone. He has a security PW set on the phone so I was not able to answer it. What I did see was a phone # flashing from a number I had never seen before. At that point i knew Godwas about to answer the prayers I had been incessantly praying about. "God if there is infidelity in my marriage, please reveal it to me, please" and he did. I called the # and ofcourse a woman answered. I explained to her that I was his wife and was only inquiring about who was calling my husband. She began to apologize and say she did noy know he was married, but she will confirm that they have been having a"special relationship' since February. Immediately, I knew what that meant. I asked her had they slept together and she said "why don't we let him answer that". She said he was taking her to see a movie in a few hours after he got off work and that I should show up at the place and we'll both confont him. I begin to feel the adrenaline flowing through my body. Wait I thought, I'm supposed to go to my husband's job and collect his part of the rent money etc. I could have said keep your money, but I then thought, "heck i still deserve what's mine". i called him with a calm spirit, yet a heavy heart. He told me to come and get the money and that he would be working a little late. (liar!!!!!). With a crooked smile, I took the money and said, see you at home tonight. I jumped in my car, met my girlfriend/play mom, so we could ride in her car, so as not to be easily recognized. Ladies..... Just as she said, they were entering into target, talking and so on and I calmly came out of hiding and said "honey is that you?? What's going on??? who is this woman??"

He was DUMBFOUNDED! he was like, Uh, uh, uh, she then jumped in and asked him, "Who is this woman?. I said I'm his wife, which she already knew. She turned and asked him "Is this true", He said yes, but let me explain. This innocent woman, becasue that's what she is began to ball her eyes out in the store, telling him how he lied and said he was single. How he was dishonest etc. She then turned and apologized to me. I then asked him had he slept with her/ he said NO! she said, do not lie, yes we have., She said it has only been a few times but we have. My spiritual mom, began to tell him how he would never receive God's blessings living a double life. She said look what you have done, You've hurt your wife, involved this woman, your stepkids will be disappointed etc etc. He looked like death was upon him. The whole time I had this inner strength that i never knew I had. I couldn't cry a tear, knowing that he double crossed me and was living this secret life. All the while i thought he was so home sick, hanging with his Nigerian boys, laughing, drinking and having a good time. But NO, he was hanging out at this woman's house after work for a few hours, then came in the door like nothing! Who coud do that with a straight face LADIES! In my opinion this behaviour that befits a monster. Anyway, I asked him to leave. He said well, I'm on the lease, i don't want to leave and I don't have anywhere to go. I consulted my elders and they are meeting with us this week to discuss my options. I am,at this point scriptually free to leave this man since the adultery has been confessed. Why is that I feel filing for divorce would be justiable but I have not called the Lawyer yet? 90% of me IS READY TO MOVE ON ladies, but that 10% is that weak, treacherous heart. The heart that makes you think you somehow drove him to this, but that same heart will call me a fool if i forgive him and he does this again!! AAARRRGGGHH. To top it al off, he told my spiritual mother (who is 70), that I drve him to do this. He said I was always telling him to leave and find a woman, because i didn't want him or love him. How could I have caused him to commit adulterey?? Throughout all of this, I find it so hard to shed a tear, part of me feels this is my chance to flee and find that true love, that real man that thought I was bringing home from africa.

Decisions, decisions,

*** RED FLAG***** Unexplained abscence when not at work & unable to be contacted via his cell phone*******

I'm OK, ladies... I really am. I just had to keep it real!

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I am dumbfound and speechless my dear friend, I am so sorry for your pain. Even when you had indicated, that you had your doubts and suspected that he was, I prayed that it was not the case. I AM TRULY SO SORRY AND I AM SADDENED BY YOUR PAIN.

NO it is not your fault that he is a lair and a cheat. It is always easier for the cheater to blame someone else for his or her mistakes, rather than take responsibility for their own action.

Again, I am so sorry for you pain, I pray you do what is right for you and your lovely children. Keep in mind, you have sacrificed enough....and your life is valuable and precious, you need to live it to its fullest. Find that happiness first within yourself and then with the right one.

God bless you and may you find answers in your prayers and strength in your heart to do the right thing, which you completely deserve. I salute you for your courage and strength.

YOU are not alone. Drop a note when you want to talk or need a friend. Hugs!

[P and G 5]

Wow is all I can say. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation. I am amazed how God reveals things to us when we are not even looking, but at a time when we are ready to deal with it. There's nothing hidden that won't be revealed. In the end this is your marriage and you have to do what is right for you and your situation. I'm one of those people that are very pro-relationships, but experience has taught me that when someone truly loves and cherishes you their actions will show it. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but even when a mistake is made you still know that they love you because of their consistent actions [not words]. I have a girlfriend whose husband had some indiscretion with another woman when they were going through some hardships and I told her to work it out with him because I knew this man loved her. Before this incident he had always treated her like gold and stuck with her through some very difficult times when another man would have left her. Yes her husband screwed up, but none of us is perfect. Their marriage is stronger as a result of weathering that storm. What they had going for them was a very strong foundation of love and commitment before this one indiscretion and that is what I based my advice on.

My suggestion to you is to search your heart deeply and ask your self some questions, barring the infidelity how did this man treat you in the past? Is he good to you? Is he respectful? Does he make you feel like you are important? Does he consider your needs? Is he truthful? Is he honest? Can he be counted on? God forbid, if you were to be bedridden and couldn't do for yourself, can you count on him to be there? Is he proud of you, does he support your dreams, etc. Can you trust him with your life? Only you know the answers to questions like these and others that are important to you. A pastor once told me in a relationship consistency is the key. Whatever a person consistently shows you is a good indicator of who he or she is. He also told me that just because someone is a good father, it does not make him a good husband.

Give yourself some time to process all that is happened. You do not have to make any decisions right away. You and your family are in my prayers.

[MAO36 30]

I am dumbfound and speechless my dear friend, I am so sorry for your pain. Even when you had indicated, that you had your doubts and suspected that he was, I prayed that it was not the case. I AM TRULY SO SORRY AND I AM SADDENED BY YOUR PAIN.

NO it is not your fault that he is a lair and a cheat. It is always easier for the cheater to blame someone else for his or her mistakes, rather than take responsibility for their own action.

Again, I am so sorry for you pain, I pray you do what is right for you and your lovely children. Keep in mind, you have sacrificed enough....and your life is valuable and precious, you need to live it to its fullest. Find that happiness first within yourself and then with the right one.

God bless you and may you find answers in your prayers and strength in your heart to do the right thing, which you completely deserve. I salute you for your courage and strength.

YOU are not alone. Drop a note when you want to talk or need a friend. Hugs!

I know exactly how you feel. Let me say that you have been so kind and warm to me throughout this whole series of posts. I really thought the dinner, movies, extra money he was giving was the beginning of something good with our marriage, but instead it was his guilty conscious it appears. I'm lost for words and that's very unusual for me. i really have to think this whole thing through but i really think it may be time to call it quits. I don't know.....

[MAO36 30]

Wow is all I can say. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation. I am amazed how God reveals things to us when we are not even looking, but at a time when we are ready to deal with it. There's nothing hidden that won't be revealed. In the end this is your marriage and you have to do what is right for you and your situation. I'm one of those people that are very pro-relationships, but experience has taught me that when someone truly loves and cherishes you their actions will show it. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but even when a mistake is made you still know that they love you because of their consistent actions [not words]. I have a girlfriend whose husband had some indiscretion with another woman when they were going through some hardships and I told her to work it out with him because I knew this man loved her. Before this incident he had always treated her like gold and stuck with her through some very difficult times when another man would have left her. Yes her husband screwed up, but none of us is perfect. Their marriage is stronger as a result of weathering that storm. What they had going for them was a very strong foundation of love and commitment before this one indiscretion and that is what I based my advice on.

My suggestion to you is to search your heart deeply and ask your self some questions, barring the infidelity how did this man treat you in the past? (borderline) Is he good to you?(borderline) Is he respectful?(borderline) Does he make you feel like you are important?(NO) Does he consider your needs?(NOT REALLY) Is he truthful? (NO) Is he honest?(NO) Can he be counted on?(NO) God forbid, if you were to be bedridden and couldn't do for yourself, can you count on him to be there?(YES) Is he proud of you, does he support your dreams, etc. Can you trust him with your life? (NOT SURE)Only you know the answers to questions like these and others that are important to you. A pastor once told me in a relationship consistency is the key. Whatever a person consistently shows you is a good indicator of who he or she is. He also told me that just because someone is a good father, it does not make him a good husband.

Give yourself some time to process all that is happened. You do not have to make any decisions right away. You and your family are in my prayers.

Excellent response! Thanks for your kind words. Those are wonderful questions to ask? I wish I could have been asked those questions back in 2007, but like they say it's water under the bridge now. Unfortunately most of the answers are "NO" or kind of. The 2nd to last question is the only question I can answer yes to. I was feeling really under the weather a short time ago and he did take care of me, nurtured me back to good health and became very sad when he thought I was getting worse. He said if he had to fly to africa to get me the medicine he would. I would hope anyone who has half a heart would do this for their wife. This really sucks and I don't know whether to cry because this may be the end or celebrate to a possible new, happier beginning . The advice you gave to your friend was right based on the way her husband treated her. I may not be that fortunate to have what appeared to be a good man! I love this post. I'm thinking........My answers are above.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

So sorry Mao to hear this. My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through. YOU did not cuase your husbands infedility and never feel that you have cuased it. Remember that Jehovah told the isrealites that each one alone had a choice between life and death. He told them choose me and keep leaving, choose badness and die. We all have that choice and no matter what we each must take responsibility for our own actions.

While you do have a burden to bare becuase of the pain, know that Jehoavah will be there to sustain you. It may feel at times as if your whole world is crashing down and you cannot find Jehovah but rest assured he is there. Whether you are making it to the meetings, able to read and study for a few moments, a kind word from a sister or brother, a special talk or magazine that helps you cope for that moment. Those are the things to look for. Those are the ways you will know Jehovah is there. Your husband on the other hand will have a very serious burden to bare. I know becuase I have been there. That is the burden of not only cuasing his wife to have to cry out to Jehovah but also having lost a good standing with Jehovah.

I asked my son last night does he know why the bible often calls a person who does not listen to whats right a fool? It is becuase they foolishly think they are going to prosper by ignoring jehovah but end up only hurting themseleves.Your husband has allowed himself to be fooled and I not only feel bad for you but also your husband. I hate to see someone go down the wrong path that I personally know will get them nowhere.

You on the other hand my sister WILL have Jehovahs loving hand and support. Also a large group of "friends" that you will be able to count on. You also stated that part of you is ready to leave and part is wanting to stay. I will only offer my advice and it does not mean it is right. But I would say if you can help it dont make any desicions right now. Wait and see what the brothers have to say and also wait to see what will be the outcome on your husband after he has visited the Elders. You may find Jehovah will be able to help him come to his senses.Also you never know how Jehovah can turn things around. I am sorry how I always offer a differant perspective but I am a optimist when it comes to the heart and I always hope a pray a situation can be salvaged. I pray the same for you also becuase I know how much you must be hurting and also how much you wanted this to work. But know this if you decide to walk out now Jehovah and your spiritual family will be right by your side and you also never know how Jehovah will bless you in this regard. Just keep the faith and do not let that lion devour you with all the pain and turmoil he is heaping on the whole association of brothers.

Love, your sister Dee