Children

[DeadPoolX 9]

This may sound odd, considering my normal "anti-child" stance, but my wife and I sometimes wonder if we'll regret not having kids. The window of opportunity is slowly closing as my wife is 34. I realize she's not old (beyond preferred birth age) and conception is certainly possible at 34 and even older, but the later you have kids, the greater the likelihood of complications. The thought of having a disabled child is quite frightening to us. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel to anyone here, but that's how we feel about it.

I also don't think we're financially prepared for kids. Money is tight right now and we'd rather not go into debt. Furthermore, we have a two-bedroom apartment and you really need something a little larger for children. Affording a house or townhouse is difficult, especially in an overly expensive city like Vancouver. Lets not even bring up university tuition.

Oddly enough, my wife gets angry at me whenever I bring up money as a reason. I'll sometimes say our finances don't make children a viable option. I don't see what's wrong with that if it's true.

Then there's the issue of responsibility. We both know kids are a HUGE responsibility and one we may not be ready to handle. Being a parent doesn't stop when your kid turns 18. More often than not, the kid will need help (in some capacity; usually monetary) well into their 20s and perhaps even early 30s. Sure, they should be a fully self-sufficient adult by then, but if they needed help, I'd want to give it.

And finally... neither my wife nor I feel we're really very mature. I don't mean we're necessarily immature, but we can't imagine ourselves as parents. Parents are, well, our parents. They act like parents. I don't feel it's fair to bring kids into this world unless you're ready for them. After all, the kid didn't ask to be born. You did that, so it's your responsibility to take care of them. If you can't or won't, don't have kids.

Given the evidence presented, it doesn't make sense for us to have kids. However... we sometimes stop and wonder: "Will we regret not having kids decades from now?"

So to the parents here: what do you think?

I'm sure there are times you've stopped and wondered why you had kids and if it was a good choice. I'm also sure you've felt like throwing your kid out the window at times, too. But I also know most parents feel kids are the best thing to ever happen to them and they wouldn't wish their kids gone. It's a very conflicting message and someone who is not, and has never been, a parent has difficulty understanding. That's why I'm looking for some clarity on the subject.

[decocker 7,198]

my two cents: money is an issue of course, as is maturity and responsibility, but its more important that there are two loving people, raising the kid together and that being parents is what those two people BOTH genuinely want.

i love my son with all my heart, wouldn't trade him to erase world of hurt i lived through in the years since his birth - but i will forever hold myself accountable and responsible for the fact that his father is not a father for him at all. i had to overhear the phone conversation just the other day between my ex and my son, my son asking when he can see him again and my ex saying he's working up in new york and it will be a while. this isn't the truth - my ex is actually in jail. one day my son is going to have to find out harsh realities about the 'man' i chose to bring him into this world with. catch22, my son wouldn't be here and bring me the joy (though it seems more often than not his emotional problems stunt such happiness) if it weren't for his now long gone father. believe me, the guilt is tremendous. no amount of financial security shields from the strength of the family unit.

i'm not comparing you to my ex, of course, just an example. if you have a good thing going with your wife - you may want to base your decision more on those dynamics - as opposed to financial merits and questions of readiness. those things manage to fall into place.

i read an interesting post the other day about 'kinda' the same thing. you may want to read it.

http://therumpus.net/2010/09/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-51/

[Canadiandggal 49]

I am the mother of one and I do have times where i wish I would have done more before I had my son but i never regret having a child. I look forward to more children as well however the hubby uses the "money Factor" on occasion and although I can relate and tell you that kids will always cost money. I can also tell you that finacially noone is ever ready for children...never. Most the time saying the "money factor" is more of a excuse then a reason. ( I am not saying this is you) Also some people truly just don't want to have children and love their life they way it is, children do take alot of time, care, love and money. Not everyone wants to take the bad with the good. My step grandmother never had children because of money,time and her lifestyle (she never regrets her choice) All i can suggest is weigh the pros and cons of children and what you feel is best for you guys. Your wife and you could decide to see what happens in the next fews years and go from there, complications do increase with age but its not like it use to be. If your wife is happy and healthy , the risks will probably be minimum and there are tons of tests now to make sure her body and a baby will handle it. I truly wish you the best in life and hope that you make this decision together just use your heart and you will never regret it.

Good luck

[Ontarkie 13,953]

This is just my thoughts on the matter, but if you both are questioning having kids then I think you both just may regret it if you don't. The thought of having kids is entering your mind and I think this is because part of both of you have started changing the "big plan". Now again its just how I think, I think if you both are thinking about having kids then just maybe its time to make a plan to get to that point. That might include speaking to doctors for the what ifs and planning ahead means your wife has time to prepare her body for a baby(getting enough folic acid/prenatal vit) at least 6mos prior to trying. Financially ppl can never afford kids if you crunch the numbers. College/University tuition do like almost every one else did let them get student loans its not the end of the world.

I don't see how you think your not mature enough for kids, you pay your bills, you work, can feed yourself sounds like your doing alright too me. Anyways who wants to be a boring parent life is more fun for all if your not all up tight and can have fun with your kids. Having kids of your own allows you to set the rules of how you want to be, you definitely don't need to be like anyone else.

I think your wife may be a little bit ahead of you with changing her mind since she is getting a bit mad when you bring up money issues.

[Sprailenes 47]

I hope that if you choose have kids, that you're lucky to have one as awesome as mine.

[Allie 5]

I have 5 kids ( all grown and on thier own now) and never regretted it for a moment. Yes there's a lot to raising children and sometimes the road can be rough( teenage yrs lol,lol)

but in the end it was all worth having.

Without having kids you're going to miss out on Grand kids and they're a lot more fun.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

To add some balance to the question . I have never had children and I have no regrets. For many years I wasn't ready - financially, physically, relationship-wise. There were times when I thought I might be pregnant and faced the question of possible parenthood, (birth control can and does fail), but even now after all these years, I have never regretted not being a mother. By the time I was in my early 40s, I realized it would definitely be a bad idea to become a mother at that age so I made a conscious decision to have a tubal ligation as any pregnancy would be extremely high risk for medical as well as age reasons. I recognized a sense of closure and knew I would never now have that experience. I've 'toyed' with the 'what-ifs', of course, but it was always the road not taken. For all of that, I have no regrets. I know a number of couples who are my age and older who have also chosen not to have children. None of them have regretted their decisions, either.

It really is up to you, though. You know yourselves and your circumstances better than anyone. Good luck.

[canadian_wife 1,794]

My husband and I have made the decision not to have children and no, I do not regret it. There are some people in this world who should not be parents. I am one of them mostly because I do not want them. People should not have something out of fear of regret or possible future letdowns.

Not everyone is destined to be a parent. Not everyone wants children. I guess you just have to figure out of you are in the 'parent' category or not. It's a personal decision that every couple must make. No right or wrong decisions here, just the decision that is best for your family

Good luck

[Jenn! 918]

I also don't think we're financially prepared for kids. Money is tight right now and we'd rather not go into debt. Furthermore, we have a two-bedroom apartment and you really need something a little larger for children. Affording a house or townhouse is difficult, especially in an overly expensive city like Vancouver. Lets not even bring up university tuition.

We have a baby and a 2-br 1100 sq ft apt. I don't feel like that's too small at all for a child. Perhaps I'll change my mind as he gets older. But I think people just have it in their heads that you should be a homeowner before having kids. I can't tell you how many people asked me when I told them I was pregnant, "so are you buying a house?".

[Colleens 40]

I am 37 and soon to become a first time parent. So far all the tests indicate we have a healthy little baby girl on the way!! I am still awaiting my EAD so we are only living on one income, and unfortunatley hubby is working his way up the ladder and doesn't make that great of a wage right now. It is tough to make ends meet, but luckily we have a supportive family who has helped us out when we really needed it. We currently live in a 2br apartment as well. We know right now that things are tough financially, but we will make it through.....and things will only get better financially once I can work and as hubby gets promoted. My ex was always worried about having enough money so we always put off having kids, and it ended up being one of the larger issues that lead to us getting divorced. It has meant that we have had to sacrifice some of the things we enjoyed doing ( we now go to the movies once a month instead of every week, rarely eat out, don't travel as much as we would like) but we know that the joy and happiness we will get from having a family will far outweight that of movie night!!

[mariposang_gala 1]

yes it is one of the best thing happen in my life.never enjoyed life much more than before..It was not easy but its a great life for me,i am a mother of 2 girls and if i can have more why not but living in US i dont think so..People say "being a parent is a full time job,you still working on it until you die".

I have 3 friends divorced theyre husband because of the child issue woman want kids man dont or vice versa..also have some friend who regretted not to have one..i dont blame if some people decide not to...Its a tough life out there...When your ready then go..

[Flames9_RN 358]

no kids here and no regrets at all! Could change our minds, but its not on our top 10 list of things to do,lol Wife is in her early 30's, me middish/late 30's so still have time! But real no desire, maybe I'm selfish, but I enjoy doing what i want when i want, buy what I want when I want!! If i dont want to work, dont have to work,lol But that is just me. I'm sure if we had kids, my view would change. But more than happy to enjoy my 2 cats and dogs and spoil my nephews when i see them!

[Inky 1,110]

My sister has 2 babys in a 1 bedroom apartment in nova scotia. Shes living there with her mother and herself and the 2 babys. She regrets being on welfair and not being able to keep a job but she doesnt regret having the babys. Shes always telling me tho to wait till we are financially stable because she feels thats her biggest mistake. She cant really provide for them, herself and her mother.

[FireKari 4]

Whatever your decision is, it is perfectly acceptable for your life and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I hate how so many people find it their business to say it's "wrong" to not want children.

That is absolutely not the case.

It's very responsible to not bring a child into this world that would end up feeling unwanted.

As a child who had a dead beat "father" I felt like I meant nothing to him, and that took years to get over.

If you are going to be a parent then do a hell of a job and love your child[ren].

If not, then spoil some pets =D

Whatever you choose, it's your life, and it has to be right for -YOU-.

Ray and I have chosen not to have children.

He has a government job, and it's not for money reasons.

Ray came from a large family, and it's nice to have a small family for once.

But we both want to be selfish, we want to travel, and we are both tech-heads, with our gadgets and gizmos.

And there is nothing wrong with our lifestyle that we have chosen.

I worked for years in an ultrasound clinic that specialized in prenatal ultrasounds and care,

so I've had my fill of babies and pregnant women for the rest of my life!

[edited because I cannot spell today =P]

Edited September 18, 2010 by FireKari

[Hugglebuggles 60]

no kids here and no regrets at all! Could change our minds, but its not on our top 10 list of things to do,lol Wife is in her early 30's, me middish/late 30's so still have time! But real no desire, maybe I'm selfish, but I enjoy doing what i want when i want, buy what I want when I want!! If i dont want to work, dont have to work,lol But that is just me. I'm sure if we had kids, my view would change. But more than happy to enjoy my 2 cats and dogs and spoil my nephews when i see them!

That's pretty much where I'm at too Flames.

I can understand a lot of what you're saying OBX, especially the responsibility and maturity part. I don't think we are ready for kids. We love to go out and have fun, and financial responsibility really isn't out strong suit. We can be pretty frivolous and spend money on things we probably shouldn't, just because it's something we want to do or want to have. Having kids would certainly change our lifestyle in a way I'm not sure we are ready for.

With that said, I'm 23 and my husband is 25. We've only been married for a little over a year. I think we will have kids eventually, but at this point we talk about it like it is a plan for the fairly distant future. We own a house, and are pretty financially stable, but I'm enjoying our life as it is right now.

Just to echo everyone else, if you don't want kids, then there is really no reason to have kids. There are lots of couples I know who have no intention of having children, and they are perfectly happy. I wish more people would consciously think about having children before they do, because there are far to many unfortunate children brought into the world to parents who regret having them.