American engaged to an Englishman, worried about tons of stuff.

[MalloryEvans 0]

I met my fiance (Brendan) online in 2004. We're both geeks and had met in a MOO (A MOO is a text-based game usually geared towards the visually impaired. Currently one of the most popular ones is Miriani). Anyway, I hated him, and he hated me, but we kept getting thrown together because we had the same group of mutual friends. I was married at the time, but separated, and I was ranting about my husband one day (I've been divorced three years now). Brendan asked me why a nice girl like me married a jerk like that anyway, and it really surprised me. All the issues I had ever had with my husband, nobody ever asked why I married him to begin with. Brendan and I, through our hatred for one another, began talking more, and within a few months, were talking every day and had become good friends. December of 2005, he told me he had feelings for me, and I told him they were mutual. That's when he hit me with his actual age. He had lied and was considerably younger than he said he was, and I was furious. I had just started college and didn't feel like dealing with the issue of his age and college, so I elected to just stay friends and keep in touch. When I got my Associates degree, he was about 17 years old, and had started talking more about coming to visit. I told him that would be great, but that I wanted to wait until I was finished with my Bachelor's degree. He turned 18 the same day I graduated college. He had his paperwork in line and everything in order to come visit the USA and that fell through. Several months later, he tried again, successfully. We basically picked up where we left off. I was crazy about him and he was crazy about me. He was the exact same person offline that he was online, and just after his first few days here, we were as close as we had been on the Internet.

Brendan had told me his family life was bad, but I have to admit that I thought he was exaggerating. Long story short, he grew up with alcoholic parents and his mother has Munchhausen by proxy (she claims his little brother has several mental disabilities but all the psychologists and the investigators who have been to their house disagree), which has prompted officials to frequent their home and investigate abuse claims. I got to hear the entire ordeal firsthand over Skype, and while I don't want to get into any details, I can say he definitely was not exaggerating. Aside from that, we had a great time and genuinely enjoyed each others company. You know that feeling when you can sit with someone silently for hours without it being awkward? It was never awkward with Brendan when we would be riding in the car and it would be silent. But I suppose we would make up for it being awake until 3:30 AM talking when we should have been sleeping.

I'm very close with my mother, so she was exposed to Brendan pretty much constantly from the time he arrived (she drove me to Saint Louis to pick him up from the airport, which is a 2 hour drive back, so bonding was inevitable, I suppose), and she thinks he's fantastic. I had a get-together where my entire family got to meet him and spend time with him, and everyone really likes him. When we announced our engagement, everyone was thrilled, and my stepdad offered him a job when he is legal to work in the USA. Things looked good.

Then he went home to England. and all hell broke loose because he's marrying a filthy, gun-totting American hillbilly from the Ozarks. He still lives with his family, as he finished Sixth Form about 4 months ago, if that, and because of the economy, has been unable to find a job. His mother, in a petty rage, destroyed some of the stuff he brought back to England with him from America, such as clothes. While he was gone, she moved his bedroom into a much smaller room and has begun charging him an extortionate amount for rent while saying at this rate, he'll never be able to afford a visa to come to the USA (note: Mothers, this is an excellent way to push your children into whatever you don't want them to do). Of course, all of this happening stresses me out even more and makes me want to get him home even faster, so I've been applying for jobs in every single industry. Due to the awful economy, I've been unable to find work, and even with my expensive degree in psychology (Citibank frequently reminds me of how expensive it was). A friend of ours came into quite a lot of money and said he would be happy to front us the cash for K-1 visa filing fees and everything else, including Brendan's flight back to the USA and change of status stuff. That will be a huge help, but in the meantime, we're running into a myriad of other issues...

1. Food stamps: I'm on food stamps because I can't find a full-time job. In fact, I can't find a job at all, and have considered moving somewhere else, but where I live now is rent-free (because I'm a caretaker) and the utilities are super cheap, so I don't think moving away is the best course of action. I do have income from two websites, MoonPrism.com and AliceIrene.com, and I'm considering starting a cleaning service. That aside, I'm still on food stamps. I'm afraid that my being on food stamps, even though we have to have a co-sponsor because I don't meet the financial requirements, will get us denied. It seems like it would, but I want to be certain of it. If I have to go off food stamps before filing the paperwork to keep us from being denied, I need to know so that I don't waste the money to file in the first place.

2. Co-sponsorship: My mom was so excited to co-sponsor, but she works only part time, and though she makes $11 an hour, it's still part time and doesn't meet the $23k a year requirement to co-sponsor me and Brendan. We have very few friends who meet the co-sponsorship requirement, and a lot of it is because we're not completely clear on what a co-sponsor does, other than helps the petitioner meet the financial requirement needed to bring an immigrant over to ensure said immigrant won't become a dependent of the state (welfare). Does the co-sponsor ever have to actually pay for anything? Or is it merely a paper-signing formality? Is it possible to have more than one co-sponsor in order to meet the financial requirements? Is someone whose house is in foreclosure eligible to co-sponsor?

3. Age difference: Oddly enough, this is something Brendan isn't concerned about at all. He's 19 and I'm 27, but my mother is concerned that we'll be denied because of the age difference, even though we have tons of documentation of a longterm friendship as well as pictures from his visit and eyewitness accounts of us being together during his stay. Is it likely we'll be denied because of our 8 year age difference?

Things to note: Brendan nor myself have any dependents. He's never been married and I was married to my high school sweetheart after high school, and have now been divorced for 3 years. My mother has no dependents and says that her step-children shouldn't count, but I'm pretty sure they do, in which case she would have 3 dependents, but also her husband's income. My landlord, who is also a close friend and has basically been like a second mother to me, has no dependents. My friend whose house is in foreclosure has no dependents. I have a friend in the Air Force with no dependents who I have considered asking to co-sponsor us, but he only makes $18k a year... I'm thinking if it's possible to have multiple co-sponsors, all of these people may be interested in helping out, so long as we have a clear explanation of what a co-sponsor actually does. Also, the friend who is letting us borrow money for filing and plane tickets doesn't have a stable income, so I don't think he would qualify as a co-sponsor.

Once he's in the USA, things would fall into place. He'll always have a roof over his head because I'm a caretaker and my 'landlord' knows everything that's going on (in fact, she's one of the people I asked to co-sponsor us, but she hasn't gotten back to me on that so I think she may be having hesitations because we're not really sure what all it entails at this point), and once he's eligible to work, my stepdad (who owns a construction company - which is why I've not been offered a job, though I did beg for one and was met with riotous laughter) said Brendan can work for him. I'm going to push my candle business and my cleaning businesses harder so that the first chance I get to get off of food stamps and not starve, I would take it. I feel that the food stamp program is excellent for people who really need the help, but I definitely take after my mother in regards to pride and handouts - I really don't want to be taken care of by the taxpayers and would definitely prefer to be taking care of myself.

Thank you so much for any helpful information you can provide. I'm so glad I found this website and am looking forward to reading the replies!

[Bobby+Umit 161]

1. Should not be an issue with this embassy - and if you are using a co-sponsor.

2. You can have two normally (depends on the embassy for the 134 though). - Co-sponsor will have to pay if the beneficiary uses means tested benefits, and the agency comes looking for money. It is not a formality - but can have monetary and legal consequences for a long time.

3. Non-issue.

4. Read up on this FAQ (it's for the 864, but will show you what your looking at.)

Edited September 3, 2010 by Bobby+Umit

[Inky 1,111]

co-sponcer doesnt pay anything its just forms and stuff for INCASE your man ends up trying to get means tested benefits, THEN the co-sponcer has to pay back everything that he gets from means tested benefits because as a green card holder you arent allowed to get any. So like the food stamps, he cant collect thos, and he cant use medicaid etc. Only you can use thos things as the american citizen.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

1. Obviously, you won't qualify to be the only sponsor, but you collecting food stamps should not be a factor if you have a co-sponsor. Your fiance will NOT be eligible to receive food stamps after he arrives in the US, nor will you be able to get the amount of food stamps you receive adjusted upward because you are supporting him. Your financial situation may be a topic of discussion at his visa interview, especially given his age and the fact that it's unlikely he'll be able to find a good paying job after he arrives. They may wonder how someone who collects food stamps will be able to support a 19 year old who will have a tough time finding a job.

2. Your mom will not be sponsoring you. She will only be sponsoring your fiance. Her household size will include herself, your fiance, and anyone she provides support for. What's the story with her "step-children"? Does she support them? Do they live in her house?

A co-sponsor has the same legal obligations that a sponsor has. The only difference is that they are second in line when the government comes looking for reimbursement for any means tested benefits the sponsored immigrant collects. You, as the primary sponsor, would be first in line. Read the contract portion of the I-864. Have your potential co-sponsors read. It spells out in plain language what they would be agreeing to. The I-134 they'll be signing for the consulate doesn't have any real legal teeth, but you WILL need a co-sponsor in order to get him a green card after he comes to the US and you get married. At that time, your co-sponsor will be signing an I-864.

3. The age difference is irrelevant. It matters at some consulates, but not London.

[gap1 21]

Hey join the US/UK club. There are loads of us. Good luck with everything!

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

You are both essentially "free", meaning no dependent children. You should evaluate which country you really want to live in. In both countries, there are employment opportunities BUT you may have to move locations to access them. If your desire is to live in the US, there are states with a shortage of mental health professionals. I'd strongly suggest you research and learn about those opportunities. I'd also suggest strongly you research how your degree would "translate" to employment in Great Britain.

IMO you two have some "life" issues to sort out before you begin the visa process. That might not be what you wanted to hear and I'm truly not trying to be cruel. As you know from being married before, marriage consists of lots of adjustments and compromise. Marrying and asking one of the parties to leave behind everything they know and move thousands of miles from home adds another layer to the adjustment of marriage.

Look at the situation you are in as an opportunity to evaluate how and where you can have a good life together as a couple. Where are the jobs? Where are the cultural activities you enjoy together? Where would you like to raise children? Where is housing affordable? Where is health care affordable and accessible?

I know you want to be together. I remember that desire. But I've been married to my foreign partner for many years now and can't reinforce enough that you need to have a solid economic footing for your marriage to bloom. Now while you are apart all you can think of is being together. You need to look beyond that and try to envision what your life will be once you ARE together. Figure out how to stack the cards in your favor.

Good luck.

[MalloryEvans 0]

1. Obviously, you won't qualify to be the only sponsor, but you collecting food stamps should not be a factor if you have a co-sponsor. Your fiance will NOT be eligible to receive food stamps after he arrives in the US, nor will you be able to get the amount of food stamps you receive adjusted upward because you are supporting him. Your financial situation may be a topic of discussion at his visa interview, especially given his age and the fact that it's unlikely he'll be able to find a good paying job after he arrives. They may wonder how someone who collects food stamps will be able to support a 19 year old who will have a tough time finding a job.

2. Your mom will not be sponsoring you. She will only be sponsoring your fiance. Her household size will include herself, your fiance, and anyone she provides support for. What's the story with her "step-children"? Does she support them? Do they live in her house?

A co-sponsor has the same legal obligations that a sponsor has. The only difference is that they are second in line when the government comes looking for reimbursement for any means tested benefits the sponsored immigrant collects. You, as the primary sponsor, would be first in line. Read the contract portion of the I-864. Have your potential co-sponsors read. It spells out in plain language what they would be agreeing to. The I-134 they'll be signing for the consulate doesn't have any real legal teeth, but you WILL need a co-sponsor in order to get him a green card after he comes to the US and you get married. At that time, your co-sponsor will be signing an I-864.

3. The age difference is irrelevant. It matters at some consulates, but not London.

Thank you! This was a very helpful response! About the job situation for him, I know future income/offers of employment won't be taken into consideration, but he's been offered a job by a relative so once the right paperwork is filed and he's approved, he will have a job. As far as my mom, it's so extremely complicated that getting into it is just entirely too off topic. They don't live with her, as she lives with me right now. They live in her house, but she doesn't live there. Like I said, extremely (stupidly) complicated and not even worth the headache, so I would rather find someone else.

The co-sponsor stuff is really the only thing I've been most worried about. If he isn't eligible for means tested benefits, why would the government need reimbursement for them if he's not even eligible to receive them in the first place? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something... Also, is it possible to have more than one co-sponsor?

I've hearing a lot of conflicting things about co-sponsorship in regards to me... I've heard that a co-sponsor would have to make enough to cover both the petitioner (me) and the immigrant (Brendan), so that would mean they have to make enough for 2 extra dependents. So you're saying they only need to make enough for just one extra dependent (Brendan)? Because that would be very helpful indeed!

Thanks again for all of your helpful responses. I hope to hear from you again soon.

[MalloryEvans 0]

I'd also suggest strongly you research how your degree would "translate" to employment in Great Britain.

IMO you two have some "life" issues to sort out before you begin the visa process. That might not be what you wanted to hear and I'm truly not trying to be cruel. As you know from being married before, marriage consists of lots of adjustments and compromise. Marrying and asking one of the parties to leave behind everything they know and move thousands of miles from home adds another layer to the adjustment of marriage.

Look at the situation you are in as an opportunity to evaluate how and where you can have a good life together as a couple. Where are the jobs? Where are the cultural activities you enjoy together? Where would you like to raise children? Where is housing affordable? Where is health care affordable and accessible?

I know you want to be together. I remember that desire. But I've been married to my foreign partner for many years now and can't reinforce enough that you need to have a solid economic footing for your marriage to bloom. Now while you are apart all you can think of is being together. You need to look beyond that and try to envision what your life will be once you ARE together. Figure out how to stack the cards in your favor.

Good luck.

I have absolutely no desire to live in England and he wants to get out of there ASAP and has since he was a child, so finding out what good my BSP degree would do me in England is a non-issue because we refuse to live there for a myriad of reasons. Living there is considerably more expensive than it is living in Missouri, jobs are more scarce, even in my field, because they have more people leaving university each year with degrees (upwards of 300,000 new graduates a year in a country much smaller than America) who are unable to find jobs in their field. Our absolute best bet is to stay in America where my family owns a business and can employ Brendan once he's legal to work, whereas in England he hasn't been able to find a job even after getting his A-levels (besides volunteering for Fabian Hamiliton's campaign a few months ago, but that was unpaid).

I don't think you were being cruel but I think you made a lot of inappropriate assumptions about me. You assume that we have "life issues" that we haven't considered. Wanting to be together doesn't mean that we're unable to think clearly about the financial situation going into this as well as what will happen financially once he's here, and we've also been over the fact that marriage isn't sunshine and roses anyway, and that we will definitely fight and have our problems because we're human; not because we're naive or ignorant of what's to come. It is presumptuous to think that all we can think about right now is being together or that we haven't thought about having children, where housing would be affordable (I mentioned in my post that I'm a caretaker and I can't imagine housing being any cheaper than that). Healthcare in both places is bad but in England it's worse. While they do have 'free' healthcare (meaning it's paid for in taxes), they wait in line forever before they're able to be seen. Brendan has been on a list for surgery since August of 2009 and still hasn't been able to get it. Meanwhile, the problem has gotten worse. It isn't life-threatening which is why it's been put on hold, but in America, it will be taken care of in a more timely manner than over a year.

I appreciate your input and I would probably give the same advice to anyone else in my situation, but I feel you made a lot of assumptions about us and think we're being naive and are rushing into something. But we have already been over all of this several times and are constantly going over everything again and again so that nothing is forgotten about, nothing falls through the cracks, and nobody is wearing rose-tinted glasses. Most of what we have obsessed about is what will happen once he's here rather than what is happening right now with us being apart. That's why I joined VJ - I want to see the bumps in the road so they don't sneak up on me, and that's why I'm asking questions before I even file anything.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Thank you! This was a very helpful response! About the job situation for him, I know future income/offers of employment won't be taken into consideration, but he's been offered a job by a relative so once the right paperwork is filed and he's approved, he will have a job. As far as my mom, it's so extremely complicated that getting into it is just entirely too off topic. They don't live with her, as she lives with me right now. They live in her house, but she doesn't live there. Like I said, extremely (stupidly) complicated and not even worth the headache, so I would rather find someone else.

The co-sponsor stuff is really the only thing I've been most worried about. If he isn't eligible for means tested benefits, why would the government need reimbursement for them if he's not even eligible to receive them in the first place? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something... Also, is it possible to have more than one co-sponsor?

I've hearing a lot of conflicting things about co-sponsorship in regards to me... I've heard that a co-sponsor would have to make enough to cover both the petitioner (me) and the immigrant (Brendan), so that would mean they have to make enough for 2 extra dependents. So you're saying they only need to make enough for just one extra dependent (Brendan)? Because that would be very helpful indeed!

Thanks again for all of your helpful responses. I hope to hear from you again soon.

Unless your co-sponsor is supporting you NOW, then they don't have to include you in their household size as they are making no promise to the US government to support you in the future. They aren't sponsoring a couple - they're sponsoring an immigrant.

I won't get into the details of the situation with your mom, where she lives, or where her step kids lives. It's really none of my business. Let's start with what the consulate is going to know. She's going to have to provide a copy of her most recent tax return, so any dependents claimed on that tax return are going to be considered her dependents for the affidavit of support, and included in her household size. They're also going to know about anyone she claims to provide support for in the I-134. In addition, should they decide to do a simple background check on her, they may know about additional people she might have a legal obligation to support.

If your mother supports only herself, and you're absolutely certain she has no legal obligation to support anyone else, and there's no way they would infer otherwise from her tax return, then they may accept her as a co-sponsor if her income is sufficient for two people - $18,212. If there's any way they could conclude she is supporting anyone else, including you, then it sounds like she won't qualify.

A consular officer is always more likely to accept a primary sponsor who barely qualifies than they would a primary sponsor who doesn't qualify and offers a co-sponsor who barely qualifies. You should focus really hard on finding a job.

[Anh map 2,098]

Here is the page from the London embassy website regarding the Public Charge Provisions (Affidavit of Support) http://london.usembassy.gov/faffidavit.html

Read this to understand what they expect to receive.

[MalloryEvans 0]

Here is the page from the London embassy website regarding the Public Charge Provisions (Affidavit of Support) http://london.usembassy.gov/faffidavit.html

Read this to understand what they expect to receive.

Thank you very much! I'm going to bookmark it for now because I'm very tired but I will look at it after I get some rest. Have a good night!

[MalloryEvans 0]

Unless your co-sponsor is supporting you NOW, then they don't have to include you in their household size as they are making no promise to the US government to support you in the future. They aren't sponsoring a couple - they're sponsoring an immigrant.

I won't get into the details of the situation with your mom, where she lives, or where her step kids lives. It's really none of my business. Let's start with what the consulate is going to know. She's going to have to provide a copy of her most recent tax return, so any dependents claimed on that tax return are going to be considered her dependents for the affidavit of support, and included in her household size. They're also going to know about anyone she claims to provide support for in the I-134. In addition, should they decide to do a simple background check on her, they may know about additional people she might have a legal obligation to support.

If your mother supports only herself, and you're absolutely certain she has no legal obligation to support anyone else, and there's no way they would infer otherwise from her tax return, then they may accept her as a co-sponsor if her income is sufficient for two people - $18,212. If there's any way they could conclude she is supporting anyone else, including you, then it sounds like she won't qualify.

A consular officer is always more likely to accept a primary sponsor who barely qualifies than they would a primary sponsor who doesn't qualify and offers a co-sponsor who barely qualifies. You should focus really hard on finding a job.

My mom won't be involved in the co-sponsorship at all. She wanted to be, but it's just not possible. I'm happy that she wants to be a part of getting him here, but her marital situation is too chaotic, and I guess the way things are right now, she's only supporting herself... it's just weird. My stepdad would help but he has 3 teenage sons that are dependents so I'm going to avoid that. I have a few people in mind who can help, especially now that I understand the co-sponsorship a little bit better. Thank you for clearing a lot of that confusion up for me.

I've been job hunting like crazy. I've only gotten one job interview in the last 2 months, and it was only for a one day a week job delivering mail for the USPS. It was a pretty good position though, and was roughly $100 a week, but they've taken down the sign so I think maybe they've hired. If they haven't, I hope they're considering me. Fingers crossed, because $400 a month would be enough for me to get off of food stamps at least. My candle business is taking off, too, so having a job and doing the candles in my free time would be fantastic. Fingers are crossed!

[Fandango 1,440]

I have to say this, and I don't mean to come across as crass or harsh in any way. Please understand the favor you'll be asking of whomever you ask to be a co-sponsor. I would assume that the same person would be your co-sponsor for AOS, and the I-1864 would be in effect for 40 quarters of work (not always 10 years if the beneficiary doesn't have a steady job), until he would naturalize, or death. I'm not calling your relationship into question, but so many people blow right through the severity of this, then later are asking 'how do I get out of this?' I understand everyone has to do what they have to do, but especially to be asking a friend to sponsor your fiance, you really should let them know exactly what they are getting into.

eta: Good luck to you!

Edited September 5, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[MalloryEvans 0]

I have to say this, and I don't mean to come across as crass or harsh in any way. Please understand the favor you'll be asking of whomever you ask to be a co-sponsor. I would assume that the same person would be your co-sponsor for AOS, and the I-1864 would be in effect for 40 quarters of work (not always 10 years if the beneficiary doesn't have a steady job), until he would naturalize, or death. I'm not calling your relationship into question, but so many people blow right through the severity of this, then later are asking 'how do I get out of this?' I understand everyone has to do what they have to do, but especially to be asking a friend to sponsor your fiance, you really should let them know exactly what they are getting into.

eta: Good luck to you!

I agree with you, and this is why I'm looking to understand what exactly a co-sponsor does. I want to be able to let anyone I ask to co-sponsor exactly what they're getting into because I would hate to lure someone in under false pretenses or for them to be presented with a surprise further down the road. I want all the duck in a row!

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I have absolutely no desire to live in England and he wants to get out of there ASAP and has since he was a child, so finding out what good my BSP degree would do me in England is a non-issue because we refuse to live there for a myriad of reasons. Living there is considerably more expensive than it is living in Missouri, jobs are more scarce, even in my field, because they have more people leaving university each year with degrees (upwards of 300,000 new graduates a year in a country much smaller than America) who are unable to find jobs in their field. Our absolute best bet is to stay in America where my family owns a business and can employ Brendan once he's legal to work, whereas in England he hasn't been able to find a job even after getting his A-levels (besides volunteering for Fabian Hamiliton's campaign a few months ago, but that was unpaid).

I don't think you were being cruel but I think you made a lot of inappropriate assumptions about me. You assume that we have "life issues" that we haven't considered. Wanting to be together doesn't mean that we're unable to think clearly about the financial situation going into this as well as what will happen financially once he's here, and we've also been over the fact that marriage isn't sunshine and roses anyway, and that we will definitely fight and have our problems because we're human; not because we're naive or ignorant of what's to come. It is presumptuous to think that all we can think about right now is being together or that we haven't thought about having children, where housing would be affordable (I mentioned in my post that I'm a caretaker and I can't imagine housing being any cheaper than that). Healthcare in both places is bad but in England it's worse. While they do have 'free' healthcare (meaning it's paid for in taxes), they wait in line forever before they're able to be seen. Brendan has been on a list for surgery since August of 2009 and still hasn't been able to get it. Meanwhile, the problem has gotten worse. It isn't life-threatening which is why it's been put on hold, but in America, it will be taken care of in a more timely manner than over a year.

I appreciate your input and I would probably give the same advice to anyone else in my situation, but I feel you made a lot of assumptions about us and think we're being naive and are rushing into something. But we have already been over all of this several times and are constantly going over everything again and again so that nothing is forgotten about, nothing falls through the cracks, and nobody is wearing rose-tinted glasses. Most of what we have obsessed about is what will happen once he's here rather than what is happening right now with us being apart. That's why I joined VJ - I want to see the bumps in the road so they don't sneak up on me, and that's why I'm asking questions before I even file anything.

I wasn't making any assumptions "about you". I was speaking the same advice I would to any UK/US couple in your situation. Meaning young people without kids.

I would disagree with you about the NHS and health care in Great Britain, but that's a political hot topic and there's no point in arguing over it. I know that NHS service varies widely from trust to trust. My spouse has had the opposite experiences from your Brendan. So it's just a "thing", you know?

At any rate, as you seem to be settled on the idea of living in the US, I will reiterate and expound on the part of my advice which you didn't mention. There are areas of the US desperately in need of mental health professionals. You could earn a good living in those areas. You wouldn't need the free room and board you have now because you could afford a decent place. You'd have health insurance. You'd be earning enough that you wouldn't need sponsorship from another person. I suggest you check it out.