It's been a while

[idocare 3]

Hello Visa Family,

I want to first welcome all the newbies and congratulate all the successful people that are now living with

their spouse here in the US; YOUR THE REASON THAT THEY'RE HERE; it takes alot too send a person

here from any Country let alone a third world Country. I filed a K-1 visa for my then fiance to come here.

The petition was succussful and he arrived into the U.S. in Sept. of 2004. My ex-husband told me that he

was a medical doctor when he found me on a website and I witnessed him taking care of patients twice

when I was in Nigeria. He worked 2-jobs, one in which he lived on site in a little room called Bob Specialist

Hospital then another place in which he only work a few hours; I lived @ Bob Specialist when I went to see

him both times and I traveled to the other location with him while I was there. We did take report from the

Physician he was taking over for. ( I'm also in the medical field so I knew all events to be true )

Fast foward to my last visit; someone knocks on the door of his studio apartment and he becomes really

upset, I didn't take a picture of her which I deeply regret now; but I felt the intensity of her presence he

was idmediately pissed for her being there, so I told him to please get her something to drink and welcom

her properly; so he did; all the while her presence told a story of a women that wanted to see what she

was up against; she had those eyes as if she she here to see me; she studied me intensely, my ex was

just pissed that she was present and did all he could do to here to leave ASAP once she did leave he

told me that it was his friends girlfriend. I didn't totally believe him but his word was all I had at the time.

My ex arrived in the states in Sept.2004, we get home and he is noticabally nervous. The few months went well

as he's learning his why around; getting out by himself walking to the library or anywhere he choice to go

( I worked the night shift so he had plenty of time to look around and go wherever he wanted ) for his day

I introduced him to our local Univerisity book store ( He needed books to study for the USMLE test so that

he could become a doctor here in the US and I was very supporting of him and got him all the books that

I was able to afford ( I was then a single Mother with 2-kids, my oldest was attending a University at the

time and graduated in the same year he arrived) ( I was the perfect target for him )

After my ex arrived and I sent in the adjustment of statis ( which he pressured me to send) he was nothing

like the man that I feel in love with; he became very argumentitive and a total a-hole. I became pregnant

within one month of him being here and he left our home when our son was just 3-weeks old; in July of 2005.

My ex. was the one that named him Victor Obinna Ezike Jr. He made sure that they wrote his name right for

the birth certificate ( his father is a first son and Jr. is his first son ) as Nigerian history has it a frist son is very

important to the Igbo tribe, but for my husband being free from me in America outweighed all that, my son

became a weapon of proof of him coming here for all the right reasons, this man hasen't had any contact with

his son since our divorce; but used him as a tool of evidence; he later wrote during our divorce that I trapped him

with a child because I thought I'd get a big check from him. I still have his letters where we talked about having

kids and he stated that he had to have a child and wanted me to give them to him. Ofcourse he was still in Nigeria

then; although Jr. is much younger then my other 2 grown kids I still think of him as a blessing from God; and I know

that God will take vengeance on his father as he sees fit. His father approached me on the internet.

American people both men a women don't understand how bad any person from a third world Country want to

come to the land of milk, honey and money!!! I am almost a decade older then my ex. I'm under educated

compared to him ( he was a medical doctor in Nigeria) and with my persistence and over cooperation he was

able to get approved; and many other Americans will get their spouse here due to their demanding persistence .

There were many that sponsered men from my ex Country Nigeria back in 2003-04 and there are few that can

say that they are still together. My ex. went as far as filing a VAWA against me and it was approved, the

Violence Against Women Act applies to men also, but what it does is allows the immigrant to apply for permanent

residence by himself, it shut out any information that the sponsor tries to send in ( it can't be used against his

quest for a VAWA ) so he is free to say whatever he wishes and it takes the sponsor totally out of the picture.

Due to the privacy act, immigration won't tell you anything concerning the person you sponsored no more. they

are now free to run your name in the mud, without you knowing what they said; so you have no way to defend

yourself or get your side of the story heard. ( But they can take into consideration all that you send then against

his filing for citizenship)

Being that my ex. was a medical doctor and seemed to be from a good home I never suspected that he'd be so evil

to pull a plot like this; but they way he went about his plot; I know that he was very well coached by someone that

knew about immigration law and the loopholes one being the current VAWA Act. It worked for him; so far he remains

here. But I know that nothing good will become of him or for him until he does me right because I believe in God word

to be true; " Revenge is mines, I will repay" I'm believeing Gods word to be true. To all that have went down the

same path that I did; relax in the fact that God has your back; nothing good will come to those that step on you for their

personal benefit. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT !!!

I feel that my visa journey is still ongoing and won't end until this man is brought to justice and removed from

this Country; until then I will continue to post from time to time and read from you all here on this site, Sub Saharan

as this was where my journey beginned back in 2003, thus I feel at home posting here and will continue to do so from

time to time until my journey is finished.

I want to congratulae all the people that have accomplished getting their loved one here and tell all the folks in review

to hang in there with an open eye; take this time to get to know your fiance much better by going and living with him if

you can, get to know his friends and family much better ( its hard to do when your not around them ) take time to read

up on the history of their Country, learn all that internet and your local library has to offer. Just educate yourself as

much as possible, then ask yourself if you['d be able to get this same person if they were already here in the US.

Finally to all my sisters and brothers that remember me from back in the day; I hope that your lives are filled with joy

and prosperity. Although I don't see many post from peeps that went thru the approval stage and actually gotten

their loved ones here around the year my ex came I just hope your doing okay; I know many of you found yourselves

in a situation similiar to mines but you found peace in getting that abrusive person out of your lives (we now know they

push us into wanting them to leave by doing/being wicked.) after the pain I hope that all of you were able to regain

your lives.

VJ is a wonderful site to gain friendships with people going thru what your presently experiencing, sometimes your

closest friends and family members just don't or won't understand, here on this site we all understand the power of

love, and the willingness to take a chance at finding a soulmate. I truly wish you all the best.

I'm out!!

Edited May 18, 2010 by idocare

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Hi

Yes many of the Sub Saharan marriages don't make it. Some are fraud and some the huge differences in culture. There are some that survive. Most people when they get here and through AOS drop off VJ. The ones that return are often the ones that have had issues. You are correct about knowing the culture and family. I am one of the oddballs, we didn't met by the internet, we were introduced by a family member. So far things have been ok, the biggest issues is he isn't a animal person and had trouble understanding how we are with animals ,even the birds I feed. Hopefully things will be the same as we progress. I have seen the drama of people getting here and know that so many marriages don't end well. It surprises me how quickly some couples jump into the immigration process, and it is not unexpected that these quickie romances die when they are played out in real life. I am not sure what people can do to screen their future spouse in 3rd world countries. There is no way to hire investigators and families can go to great lengths to help someone get a foothold in the US. I guess I agree with you about the advise to study the culture. What books did you find the most insightful ? Maybe we can start a recommended reading list.

[Cheyemo 8]

Idocare, that was extremely helpful for me and I hope cathartic for you. I admire your ability to share. I really hope my relationship works out for the best but I'm not naive and I know that you really can't put anything past a person. No one knows the heart except God. Be blessed sis.

[ghanagal 2]

Wow, I am really sorry to hear about you journey. It made me quite sad reading it.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Thank you IDOCARE for your story. As it is similar to mine. Lets keep the meomories going so we might stop just 1 person from making a mistake.

Over 50% of the relationships do not work out. They are a number of woman too embarassed to share their stories, but have done with me in private. Some who have been used for the US dream and then the relationship works out.

Read my story here.

[lori7734 6]

Hi

Yes many of the Sub Saharan marriages don't make it. Some are fraud and some the huge differences in culture. There are some that survive. Most people when they get here and through AOS drop off VJ. The ones that return are often the ones that have had issues. You are correct about knowing the culture and family. I am one of the oddballs, we didn't met by the internet, we were introduced by a family member. So far things have been ok, the biggest issues is he isn't a animal person and had trouble understanding how we are with animals ,even the birds I feed. Hopefully things will be the same as we progress. I have seen the drama of people getting here and know that so many marriages don't end well. It surprises me how quickly some couples jump into the immigration process, and it is not unexpected that these quickie romances die when they are played out in real life. I am not sure what people can do to screen their future spouse in 3rd world countries. There is no way to hire investigators and families can go to great lengths to help someone get a foothold in the US. I guess I agree with you about the advise to study the culture. What books did you find the most insightful ? Maybe we can start a recommended reading list.

things like this scare me and even know i love him makes me feel maybe my love doesnt let me see the eveil in him.i trust him so much only wen i read story do i have doubts AM I CRAZY?

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Lori you are embarking on a journey on pure faith. Men in America and overseas can say what they want, but only their actions stand true. So now if you move forward you have to trust his word until you experience his word.

If you worry about doubt now, it only gets worst when they are here. The stress of the financial strain and cultural differences make this even worst. Unless of course there is not a financial burden. My instinct was screaming that something was wrong, but I kept I bottled up in excuses and dumbness.

Here is my theory. Was your last relationship a healthy one? If you were in a dysfunctional relationship prior and did nothing to change yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically… chances are you are attracting the same type of person. Until we change inside ourselves what attracts people who will defiantly /eventually hurt us like a magnet.

I know why I embarked on this journey and took the risk I did that lead me to the pain and hurt I experienced. I am thankful for my experience that God provided me to grow even stronger.

Spend one hour quietly meditating (praying if you believe). INvision what you want your outcome to be in this journey. When you are done see how your head and stomache feel. That quiet time God will give you the answer.

I love this test. Say somethign that is true..like I love roses. See how that makes you feel. Then say something that you know is not true. LIke the sky is purple. Feel that little twinge in your stomache is telling you something is wrong. that is your instinct. Meditate and aske the question. Then move forward without doubt.

God bless you!

[reeses16 8]

Its good to hear from you Idocare. I agree with what others have said, marrying someone (anyone- from the US or another country) is a journey of faith. The divorce rate in the US (and many other countries) is extremely high, it doesn't make sense to expect 100% of our visa journeys to turn out well. We should all be cautious when we choose a partner to share our home, family, life, and money.

As Enlighten One said, if you have a past filled with unhealthy relationships, but never examined why or worked on self improvement/being better able to determine who is and is not compatible with the type of life you are striving for...then its probably not the right time for a relationship (domestic or otherwise).

My hubby and I are happily married. But when we were dating and before we applied for his visa. I did a lot of thinking. I decided that I couldn't afford to risk more than I could loose. I thought about how I would feel if things didn't work out. I made peace with myself, that if it didn't work out, it didn't work out- that it wasn't because I was an American and he was from a 3rd world country. My husband was very content with his life in Ethiopia. He was confident in himself, his abilities, and he knew that he was more than what was in his bank account. Knowing that about him (I lived in Ethiopia and dated him there) gave me confidence about our relationship.

I think we all have to examine our individual situations and decide if its worth the risk. How will you feel or cope, if you are mistaken? There is no harm in taking more time to get to know someone, or spend more time with them.

Best of luck to everyone who is in the middle of the process or thinking about it. We also have members that check in to say how well things are going. : )

Edited May 18, 2010 by reeses16

[taurean 0]

things like this scare me and even know i love him makes me feel maybe my love doesnt let me see the eveil in him.i trust him so much only wen i read story do i have doubts AM I CRAZY?

Lori7734: I think if you don't have questions in your head or some awareness that you could be in idocare's shoes then I don't think you are taking this thing seriously. In my experience reading here on VJ about the marriages that ended didn't help when I was separated from my husband while the visa process was going on. I can remember reading the negative stories and running back to him with an attitude. But I realized in the end that any questions that I had about the situation were not about him or his actions, but were more about the "unknown." So what I will say to you is that what you are feeling is normal, at least in my opinion. But I do think Enlighten One's advice is good: if your gut is telling you that something isn't right, then listen to it.

It is a shame that there isn't much activity in this forum any more. When my husband and I were going through the process there was quite a bit of activity here and all of it was informative, be it about the visa journey or the adjustment journey. I think I am one of the few people left that were going through the process as the same time as I was that actually post, and gratefully we are still together and trying to make it happen. I do wish that there were more "vets" posting because I think they could provide a lot of insight for those that are new in this thing.

ETA: I think reeses and I were posting at the same time. I read her comments and 100% agree with her. You have to examine your own situation from an objective point of view and then make your choice. And you should be ready to accept the consequences whatever they may be.

Edited May 18, 2010 by taurean

[moon68 2]

To Idocare,I think I talked with you in the past a long time ago......Anyway I want to say how sorry I am about your relationship.....I know someone here that is going through the very same thing......Although there is no child.......I am so thankful that My relationship has worked out very well....However I have to admit that while I was going through the process that I had questions.....I often talked with myself and would say that I know what im doing is taking a huge risk.....If things did not work out I had nobody to blame but myself......I was willing to take responsiblity for what would happen good or bad.....I had to try and prepare for the worst but hoping for the best......I feel that with anyone taking on the Journey they have to be ready to except the outcome.....Weather it works out or not......One has to do research and get to know all the information they can about that country they are dealing with. Know that the fraud rate is very high and it is always a risk....One MUST be willing to except the concquences of their actions.......We all know that what some do is very wrong and down right awful.....However knowing that before you go into it is excepting that things could go very wrong......I know in my case it could have gone very very wrong.....I am very blessed that I have the man that I do.......So yes some fairy tales do happen.....Its just they are few and far between......We just have to take the time to really think about what we are doing What is invloved, and most importent i thiink is are we ready to except a broken heart if it does not work????......Once again Im so sorry for anyone going through this........

[Virtuous Woman 0]

Wow, I must say thankyou to everyone who has posted and left comments concerning this. As you can see I am a Newbie and you all have been extremely informative. I am currently in the CR-1 process, awaiting an interview date for my husband to enter USA. I often wonder did i make a mistake, or was I temporaily insane. I am a professional woman with a sound mind, but I do second guess my decision to have married. My husband is such a wonderful man, and I trust him dearly, and has had no reason to suspect otherwise, but I am just weary of the unknown. I too have made up in my mind that it's an act of faith and if it works out, GREAT, but if it doesn't I shall move on. VJ family you guys are simply the best! Thank you guys for posting it let's me know I am not alone. Since i have joined I have been able to read blogs by other who are experiencing the same thing. To: Idocare you are a remarkable woman, thanks for sharing, you really made me think about my situation.

[Cheyemo 8]

Lori7734: I think if you don't have questions in your head or some awareness that you could be in idocare's shoes then I don't think you are taking this thing seriously. In my experience reading here on VJ about the marriages that ended didn't help when I was separated from my husband while the visa process was going on. I can remember reading the negative stories and running back to him with an attitude. But I realized in the end that any questions that I had about the situation were not about him or his actions, but were more about the "unknown." So what I will say to you is that what you are feeling is normal, at least in my opinion. But I do think Enlighten One's advice is good: if your gut is telling you that something isn't right, then listen to it.

It is a shame that there isn't much activity in this forum any more. When my husband and I were going through the process there was quite a bit of activity here and all of it was informative, be it about the visa journey or the adjustment journey. I think I am one of the few people left that were going through the process as the same time as I was that actually post, and gratefully we are still together and trying to make it happen. I do wish that there were more "vets" posting because I think they could provide a lot of insight for those that are new in this thing.

ETA: I think reeses and I were posting at the same time. I read her comments and 100% agree with her. You have to examine your own situation from an objective point of view and then make your choice. And you should be ready to accept the consequences whatever they may be.

The part I put in bold is so true! I do the same thing to my husband and he probably doesn't even know why! Or, I will start asking him all kinds of questions, "would you do this?", "what do you think of this", etc. Poor man...

I also wish there was more discussion on the African Sub Saharan board. I am active on other boards but it seems like we have another set of issue in getting through this journey and I would love to hear about others experiences without having to go back and dig up all the history. Thats why I appreciated your post so much idocare. I was at least able to go back and read your posts and then see others who posted. Thanks again.

[Cheyemo 8]

To Idocare,I think I talked with you in the past a long time ago......Anyway I want to say how sorry I am about your relationship.....I know someone here that is going through the very same thing......Although there is no child.......I am so thankful that My relationship has worked out very well....However I have to admit that while I was going through the process that I had questions.....I often talked with myself and would say that I know what im doing is taking a huge risk.....If things did not work out I had nobody to blame but myself......I was willing to take responsiblity for what would happen good or bad.....I had to try and prepare for the worst but hoping for the best......I feel that with anyone taking on the Journey they have to be ready to except the outcome.....Weather it works out or not......One has to do research and get to know all the information they can about that country they are dealing with. Know that the fraud rate is very high and it is always a risk....One MUST be willing to except the concquences of their actions.......We all know that what some do is very wrong and down right awful.....However knowing that before you go into it is excepting that things could go very wrong......I know in my case it could have gone very very wrong.....I am very blessed that I have the man that I do.......So yes some fairy tales do happen.....Its just they are few and far between......We just have to take the time to really think about what we are doing What is invloved, and most importent i thiink is are we ready to except a broken heart if it does not work????......Once again Im so sorry for anyone going through this........

This is so encouraging to hear. Thank you for posting. I have given our relationship countless hours/days/months even of thought and believe in the best but I'm not one to put anything past anyone so I always have a piece of me thats questioning.

Wow, I must say thankyou to everyone who has posted and left comments concerning this. As you can see I am a Newbie and you all have been extremely informative. I am currently in the CR-1 process, awaiting an interview date for my husband to enter USA. I often wonder did i make a mistake, or was I temporaily insane. I am a professional woman with a sound mind, but I do second guess my decision to have married. My husband is such a wonderful man, and I trust him dearly, and has had no reason to suspect otherwise, but I am just weary of the unknown. I too have made up in my mind that it's an act of faith and if it works out, GREAT, but if it doesn't I shall move on. VJ family you guys are simply the best! Thank you guys for posting it let's me know I am not alone. Since i have joined I have been able to read blogs by other who are experiencing the same thing. To: Idocare you are a remarkable woman, thanks for sharing, you really made me think about my situation.

Where are you in the process Virtuous? Has your case been closed yet? Let's keep chatting and keep each other encouraged!

[MAO36 30]

Hello Idocare,

Can I just say I really appreciate your honesty and your loyalty to the VJ family. You continue to share your story out of concern for others who could be potentially going down this same path. You have taken heat in the past from posters but you continue posting your story without let up. I have always welcomed your thoughts, your warnings and your insight on matters. My marriage is by far anything out of a story book romance but what's holding our marriage together is our religious/scriptual belief on God's view of the marriage arrangement. Whew!!(wiping my forehead), we have had our ups and downs, arguments, sleeping on the couch, wishing this had never happened moments. Their culture is so different from ours. Things that are small in my eyes are great in his and vice versa. Nigerians tend to be very private about their affairs but as an american woman I feel it's my right to know everything that's going on in my husband's life. He had to get used to thinking like a married man, instead of a single person. He had to practically be taught or molded on how to romance your woman. In his country putting food on the table was the top priority and the women accepted this as their way of loving them. While providing for your family is important, I had to tell him numerous times, women want to be held, cuddled, catered to, kissed tenderly, you name it. He has come a long way from the time he got here in 08 but there is still much work to be done. I won't settle for anything less than this, I can't and i won't. I will try to be more patient and understanding that his previous life in nigeria is nothing like my world here in america, but there is great potential. My husband is sweet and can be very loving, but he is still working on the stubborness(the man is as stubborn as a mule), his mood swings and lack of romance. All I have to say is, it is hard work ladies but if he is sincere, you will both get through it. If i hadn't put God first and his laws on marriage, the old me would have given up just on mere frustration & culture incompatibilities. I used to always tell him to "leave me, leave, go away, live your life" but he always replies, "I am here to stay forever and I'm not going anywhere" awwwwwww.... see, they can be sweet when it matters the most.

Idocare, Vengence does belong to God and rest assured, evil never prevails. Be patient, his time will come. Again, thanks for always sharing your story and being forthcoming about it. I hope my story sheds some light for those who are newlyweds or waiting for their Hubby's to arrive. It aint all a bed of roses but there will be good times in between the drama if he really cares about your marriage.

Stay strong ladies!

[taurean 0]

Hi

Yes many of the Sub Saharan marriages don't make it. Some are fraud and some the huge differences in culture. There are some that survive. Most people when they get here and through AOS drop off VJ. The ones that return are often the ones that have had issues. You are correct about knowing the culture and family. I am one of the oddballs, we didn't met by the internet, we were introduced by a family member. So far things have been ok, the biggest issues is he isn't a animal person and had trouble understanding how we are with animals ,even the birds I feed. Hopefully things will be the same as we progress. I have seen the drama of people getting here and know that so many marriages don't end well. It surprises me how quickly some couples jump into the immigration process, and it is not unexpected that these quickie romances die when they are played out in real life. I am not sure what people can do to screen their future spouse in 3rd world countries. There is no way to hire investigators and families can go to great lengths to help someone get a foothold in the US. I guess I agree with you about the advise to study the culture. What books did you find the most insightful ? Maybe we can start a recommended reading list.

I keep coming back to read this thread because I think there is a lot of good stuff here. And even though I am several years into my journey, I feel I can always learn from others.

To NigeraorBust (and anyone else who is reading): I wanted to comment on the portion of your comment that I highlighted above. While I think books can be helpful, the biggest help for me in learning about my husband's culture was simply being around others of his culture. I was already in my husband's country when we met and had already had some exposure which I found helped me to deal with adjustments when he finally moved here. Plus I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with his family and friends in Senegal as well as people that I had gotten to know on my own and I found that sitting and observing and listening helped me to learn a lot of things that I amy not get from a book. However what I have found to be the most beneficial (and this i great if you are unable to spend a lot of time in your SO'S country) is becoming friends with married Senegalese women (usually older than I) who are here in the US. I can't tell you how much I have learned just talking to them. So as I said, books may be helpful, but to me, the human interaction goes a lot further.