It's been a while

[Virtuous Woman 0]

This is so encouraging to hear. Thank you for posting. I have given our relationship countless hours/days/months even of thought and believe in the best but I'm not one to put anything past anyone so I always have a piece of me thats questioning.

Where are you in the process Virtuous? Has your case been closed yet? Let's keep chatting and keep each other encouraged!

My husband and I, our case was completed at NVC November 2009. We are awaiting for case to be forwarded to Embassy in Ghana, and an interview date.

[Linguere 0]

Well, I haven't logged on in a long while, and today I found myself lurking over here for a brief moment. I actually have my first day of rest in almost a year and a half, and so I thought it would be interesting to check and see what's going on these days. Idocare, I remember your story (your have persevered!) and how everyone used to attack you for speaking the truth. I do think that most people do not come back and share their stories, or they do so in the other forums. The reality is, and anyone who has ever spent considerable time in a so-called third world country will testify to this, that most people have NO IDEA what lengths people will go to to romance someone in Europe or America. The chat rooms are full of men doing just that...some even pay others to sit in the internet cafe all day to nurture that relationship. I have to say that I knew my husband's culture very well. I met him in his country. I spent time with his family, his friends...he was well-known in his country. Even if the family is good (and not in on the scam), it doesn't really help you because culturally, no one will come forward and say this guy is bad. It just rarely happens. People say they are good,even when they are suffering. I speak my husband's language well enough to navigate the country on my own. I was arrogant and thought that I couldn't get cheated because I have been around Senegalese people for decades. I think I am more assimilated into Senegalese culture than my husband is. At the end of the day, the immigration process doesn't allow us to really know them well enough to see many things prior to signing our lives away on the AOS. It's kind of a gamble (as is any relationship) of the highest degree. I don't think books or even knowing or reading about the culture will help you to see the scandals that may await you. People can pretend so well that you won't suspect a thing. For me personally, I am still unsure if I was used solely for a GC. I think my husband is not a good guy and has never had a responsible day in his life. He is a liar and a cheater. That has nothing to do with me. I was, however, used, while he had at least one relationship going (and many more conversations) since our child was a few months old. The conversations with other women took place a couple of weeks after that I know about, but I'm quite sure that he was cheating on me the entire time that I have known him. What is certain is that he had a plan. I don't know how many people knew what he was planning and he played his part well enough to fool every single person in my life. I think the best advice I can offer is to always ask yourself if you would date this person if they were in the U.S. and ask yourself if you would marry the person in the U.S. having known the person for the same amount of time/contact. Men can fool us anywhere, but for a person abroad, there is much more at stake than a relationship. I can be a future for their entire family. Most people you meet on the streets abroad don't have any real knowledge of life in the U.S. They think it is as they see it in movies. They think marriage to a U.S. citizen is a ticket to an easy life. If you are easy on the eyes, well, then even better! Certainly, having children with you makes for good evidence. My own husband was about to be denied his visa until they saw the ultrasound report of my pregnancy. If we keep those things in mind, we can make better decisions. Relationships will always be a gamble. This one, though, can be very, very costly to the USC once they have signed the AOS. THat's 10 years or MORE and divorce does not free you. I never thought that I would marry someone abroad (because of what I have seen both in Africa and here [greencard marriages in the states too!] ), but I did. Personally, I would never do it again. After this monster that I married, I'm pretty sure that I won't marry again at all. Having to deal with him for the rest of my life is painful punishment enough. That said, I'm sure that there are numerous happy endings. When I say happy endings, I mean 3-6 years out of the process. I think having a good understanding of the difficult adjustment process is also helpful. THe vets like Taurean are great about that. I think that we should celebrate the happiness!!! God knows we all put so much time and energy into the process. Let us be happy for those that are happy. Let us also tell the truth. Everyone has a right to share their story. Idocare, hugs to little Victor. Blessings to everyone on their journey!

[taurean 0]

Linguere: I am really glad you posted. I agree 100% with your point concerning knowledge of your SO's culture. Knowing about his or her culture may help in the adjustment process after he/she arrives, but it does very little in giving someone insight into another person's character. I really appreciate reading posts like yours and others that provide honesty and been-there-done-that perspectives about relationships like ours.

[Cheyemo 8]

Well, I haven't logged on in a long while, and today I found myself lurking over here for a brief moment. I actually have my first day of rest in almost a year and a half, and so I thought it would be interesting to check and see what's going on these days. Idocare, I remember your story (your have persevered!) and how everyone used to attack you for speaking the truth. I do think that most people do not come back and share their stories, or they do so in the other forums. The reality is, and anyone who has ever spent considerable time in a so-called third world country will testify to this, that most people have NO IDEA what lengths people will go to to romance someone in Europe or America. The chat rooms are full of men doing just that...some even pay others to sit in the internet cafe all day to nurture that relationship. I have to say that I knew my husband's culture very well. I met him in his country. I spent time with his family, his friends...he was well-known in his country. Even if the family is good (and not in on the scam), it doesn't really help you because culturally, no one will come forward and say this guy is bad. It just rarely happens. People say they are good,even when they are suffering. I speak my husband's language well enough to navigate the country on my own. I was arrogant and thought that I couldn't get cheated because I have been around Senegalese people for decades. I think I am more assimilated into Senegalese culture than my husband is. At the end of the day, the immigration process doesn't allow us to really know them well enough to see many things prior to signing our lives away on the AOS. It's kind of a gamble (as is any relationship) of the highest degree. I don't think books or even knowing or reading about the culture will help you to see the scandals that may await you. People can pretend so well that you won't suspect a thing. For me personally, I am still unsure if I was used solely for a GC. I think my husband is not a good guy and has never had a responsible day in his life. He is a liar and a cheater. That has nothing to do with me. I was, however, used, while he had at least one relationship going (and many more conversations) since our child was a few months old. The conversations with other women took place a couple of weeks after that I know about, but I'm quite sure that he was cheating on me the entire time that I have known him. What is certain is that he had a plan. I don't know how many people knew what he was planning and he played his part well enough to fool every single person in my life. I think the best advice I can offer is to always ask yourself if you would date this person if they were in the U.S. and ask yourself if you would marry the person in the U.S. having known the person for the same amount of time/contact. Men can fool us anywhere, but for a person abroad, there is much more at stake than a relationship. I can be a future for their entire family. Most people you meet on the streets abroad don't have any real knowledge of life in the U.S. They think it is as they see it in movies. They think marriage to a U.S. citizen is a ticket to an easy life. If you are easy on the eyes, well, then even better! Certainly, having children with you makes for good evidence. My own husband was about to be denied his visa until they saw the ultrasound report of my pregnancy. If we keep those things in mind, we can make better decisions. Relationships will always be a gamble. This one, though, can be very, very costly to the USC once they have signed the AOS. THat's 10 years or MORE and divorce does not free you. I never thought that I would marry someone abroad (because of what I have seen both in Africa and here [greencard marriages in the states too!] ), but I did. Personally, I would never do it again. After this monster that I married, I'm pretty sure that I won't marry again at all. Having to deal with him for the rest of my life is painful punishment enough. That said, I'm sure that there are numerous happy endings. When I say happy endings, I mean 3-6 years out of the process. I think having a good understanding of the difficult adjustment process is also helpful. THe vets like Taurean are great about that. I think that we should celebrate the happiness!!! God knows we all put so much time and energy into the process. Let us be happy for those that are happy. Let us also tell the truth. Everyone has a right to share their story. Idocare, hugs to little Victor. Blessings to everyone on their journey!

See this is what scares the HECK out of me! I trust my husband but when I hear stories like this, I always wonder. I KNOW that someone can fool another person. Yes, people can be just that good. I keep going over our relationship, over and over the events and I don't see anything but who knows? Linguere, is there something you can look back on now and say definitively that it was a sign?

[Enlighten one :) 5]

My husband was a pure saint in my eyes. Christian that preached and new the bible inside and out. Always responded from love and not judgment. Someone like that could never lie for the American dream.

Well that is the farthest thing from the truth. There is a do what you can to get ahead mentality there. Sadly some people equate it with their culture. They will raise their hands to the sky to praise all mighty God with stolen jewerly on their wrist. I read this in an article written about the Nigerian culture. He spent many months embeded in their comunity while working for an oil company. Dont get me wrong he had some wonderful things to say too.

I still do not understand how my ex husband could do what he did despite what he knows about the bible. I feel sad that he didn't have enough faith in God's plan for him that he had to lie and manipulate.

I have one email from his brother to him written before we met in person. In one sentence he praised God for his daughters health. Then in the next sentence asked my husband what he has told me so that he doesn't contradict anything. He asked him...what did you tell her you did for work? Like why would two Christian men talk like this if they were living their lives as Christian. This also can be associated with a distain for American people. As I read many snippy remarks regarding American Woman in their Emails.

There are stark contrast in American and Nigerian culture around woman and men relaitionships. If you and your SO are agreeing on everything. Then he is just too darn agreable.

See this is what scares the HECK out of me! I trust my husband but when I hear stories like this, I always wonder. I KNOW that someone can fool another person. Yes, people can be just that good. I keep going over our relationship, over and over the events and I don't see anything but who knows? Linguere, is there something you can look back on now and say definitively that it was a sign?

[Cheyemo 8]

[quote name=Enlighten one ' date='24 May 2010 - 12:26 PM' timestamp='1274729162' post='3956389]

If you and your SO are agreeing on everything. Then he is just too darn agreable.

I like to see signs that people noticed that we should also consider. I appreciate this.

[taurean 0]

I like to see signs that people noticed that we should also consider. I appreciate this.

I think being aware of particular "signs" could be helpful. But I have this question which I think MAY have come up in past similar threads: if you did see "signs" or "red flags" would you act on them? I sometimes think that by the time these issues come up we are already so emotionally connected that we are hesitant to cut the cord on the relationship. I ask only because I think I would have a difficult time cutting all ties after becoming so close to someone unless something came up that was extremely egregious so I am wondering how others would do it? Perhaps this shows my weakness, but I am just trying to keep it real.

[Cheyemo 8]

I think being aware of particular "signs" could be helpful. But I have this question which I think MAY have come up in past similar threads: if you did see "signs" or "red flags" would you act on them? I sometimes think that by the time these issues come up we are already so emotionally connected that we are hesitant to cut the cord on the relationship. I ask only because I think I would have a difficult time cutting all ties after becoming so close to someone unless something came up that was extremely egregious so I am wondering how others would do it? Perhaps this shows my weakness, but I am just trying to keep it real.

That is a very good question and after thinking about it a while, I'd like to think that I would stop the process right now but I can't be sure. I doubt that he would do anything completely bold while he's still not here but who knows? Once he gets here? I really don't know how I'd react.

[idocare 3]

Hello, sorry it took me so long too respond to your post. I'm elated to read that you want to know the books

I had read, first I want to say that back in 2003 they're wasen't alot of information online concerning Nigera and

nor testimony of peeps being dooped from third world countries seeking a visa thru romance. Actually this is the

quickest way for people to come into this country. I know you mentioned that you met your fiance thru a family

member. I just want to alert you to the fact that Alien family members here in the states have been seeking out

Americans to meet their brother/sister abroad for decades now. any American citizen requesting to bring a fiance

here into the state cuts off many years to them getting here; it also relieves the family member from sponsoring

them. Then, if a American person sponsors them they no longer have to pay a brides price to your family because

we don't practice that, so they come here almost free; all they have to do is show you a really good time while

your there in Nigeria or whatever third world country they may currently live in.

After my divorce I went to the library and read some old books written by a British author ( I think) these author

documented Nigeria when they were there and took over the Country. If you have time look back thru all

post that I have written and I posted the authors and name of the books where I retrieved my information.

It's already within my post for all to read, so I encourage you to look thru my old post and you will find the

information you requested. Thanks for responding and I wish you and yours; ALL THE BEST !!!

Hi

Yes many of the Sub Saharan marriages don't make it. Some are fraud and some the huge differences in culture. There are some that survive. Most people when they get here and through AOS drop off VJ. The ones that return are often the ones that have had issues. You are correct about knowing the culture and family. I am one of the oddballs, we didn't met by the internet, we were introduced by a family member. So far things have been ok, the biggest issues is he isn't a animal person and had trouble understanding how we are with animals ,even the birds I feed. Hopefully things will be the same as we progress. I have seen the drama of people getting here and know that so many marriages don't end well. It surprises me how quickly some couples jump into the immigration process, and it is not unexpected that these quickie romances die when they are played out in real life. I am not sure what people can do to screen their future spouse in 3rd world countries. There is no way to hire investigators and families can go to great lengths to help someone get a foothold in the US. I guess I agree with you about the advise to study the culture. What books did you find the most insightful ? Maybe we can start a recommended reading list.

[idocare 3]

CHEYEMO,

Thanks for your reponse, I'm hoping that all is well with you, your loved one and the overall journey. I can

still recall a Nigeria woman posting on this site that when a Nigeria man and women wish to marry the woman

family begins a very intense background check of her potential spouse, they check him/his family out throughly

in all ways that they can. We can't do that, being that Nigeria is common/normal for scams, we here in the USA

may try that by hiring an attorney in their Country that we never met, and they may be all about money and sell

out to the party paying the most, that's where they would have the upper hand, and pay that same person that

you hired more money to send you a satisfying report, then at the same time the person your bringing here will

already know that you tried to find information about him without him/her knowing.

Some person from Nigeria posted that story not me.

As for me; yes I'm still feeling the efects of being used; but I know that God will repay him, one way or the other

he still isn't a doctor here in the USA so I know all the hard work he must endure and taking orders from another

must really be wearing at him; because he's a very proud Nigeria man; a doctor in his homeland, he's not used

to taking orders he used to giving them.

I have a Nigerian son from him Victor Obinna Ezike Jr. he's a first son. I just caution you too do your homework

and try to meet his friends moreso then his family, because his family will have his back 99 percent of the time I

feel. This is just my personal oppinion that I choose to share with you. Thanks for responding and feel free to

contact me.

Idocare, that was extremely helpful for me and I hope cathartic for you. I admire your ability to share. I really hope my relationship works out for the best but I'm not naive and I know that you really can't put anything past a person. No one knows the heart except God. Be blessed sis.

[idocare 3]

Thanks for your reponse, and I truly wish you and yours all the best. I'm just committed to telling my story they

way it's playing out. Please don'[t feel sorry for me as I know God has my back as I didn't do nothing wrong to

this man.

Wow, I am really sorry to hear about you journey. It made me quite sad reading it.

[idocare 3]

Yes enlightened one I'm kinda familiar with your story; your husband was a Preacher in Nigeria if I remember right

you and him prayed regularly sometimes together,( ACCORDING TO THE INFORMATION YOU PROVIDED ) and still he listened to the person coaching him on how to

leave "you" his wife instead of working on a cohesive marriage. I pray that your son isn't too damaged by the

events that are currently playing out in your life with your ex'husband. I hope that you heal soon if you already

haven't. ALL THE BEST TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

[quote name=Enlighten one ' date='18 May 2010 - 08:28 AM' timestamp='1274196539' post='3944296]

Thank you IDOCARE for your story. As it is similar to mine. Lets keep the meomories going so we might stop just 1 person from making a mistake.

Over 50% of the relationships do not work out. They are a number of woman too embarassed to share their stories, but have done with me in private. Some who have been used for the US dream and then the relationship works out.

Read my story here.

[idocare 3]

REESE,

I"t's nice hearing from you and I'm glad that your relationship is going well!!!!! Sorry for the so short message,

but it getting late here and I have to turn off this pc now and get some rest, I'll answer more when I can.

Its good to hear from you Idocare. I agree with what others have said, marrying someone (anyone- from the US or another country) is a journey of faith. The divorce rate in the US (and many other countries) is extremely high, it doesn't make sense to expect 100% of our visa journeys to turn out well. We should all be cautious when we choose a partner to share our home, family, life, and money.

As Enlighten One said, if you have a past filled with unhealthy relationships, but never examined why or worked on self improvement/being better able to determine who is and is not compatible with the type of life you are striving for...then its probably not the right time for a relationship (domestic or otherwise).

My hubby and I are happily married. But when we were dating and before we applied for his visa. I did a lot of thinking. I decided that I couldn't afford to risk more than I could loose. I thought about how I would feel if things didn't work out. I made peace with myself, that if it didn't work out, it didn't work out- that it wasn't because I was an American and he was from a 3rd world country. My husband was very content with his life in Ethiopia. He was confident in himself, his abilities, and he knew that he was more than what was in his bank account. Knowing that about him (I lived in Ethiopia and dated him there) gave me confidence about our relationship.

I think we all have to examine our individual situations and decide if its worth the risk. How will you feel or cope, if you are mistaken? There is no harm in taking more time to get to know someone, or spend more time with them.

Best of luck to everyone who is in the middle of the process or thinking about it. We also have members that check in to say how well things are going. : )

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I agree with you 100%. I have come this far. But I see the save waivering thoughts in my US relationships as I had in my international. Have you ever looked back and said. Geesh why was I so worreid and sick over this choice. No we always say...Why didn't I listen. Why did I make excuses.

I think being aware of particular "signs" could be helpful. But I have this question which I think MAY have come up in past similar threads: if you did see "signs" or "red flags" would you act on them? I sometimes think that by the time these issues come up we are already so emotionally connected that we are hesitant to cut the cord on the relationship. I ask only because I think I would have a difficult time cutting all ties after becoming so close to someone unless something came up that was extremely egregious so I am wondering how others would do it? Perhaps this shows my weakness, but I am just trying to keep it real.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Forgetful. Doesn't remember a damn thing you say and he says. It's hard to live two lives.

When you ask them a direct question all of a sudden they do not undersand what you are asking. Or they answer so soft you can't hear them. That was something my husband did a lot. Or they totally start talking about something different. You will become frustrated then chalk it up to cultural. I read a letter my husbnd wrote to a former employer. I could not believe now articulate his English writting was compared to what he claimed to understand.

Random things are said in emails or responces have nothing to reflect the email you sent. They have people in the internet Cafe write some of their letters to you. IT is expensive to be in those cafe's. Not many people have internet or power to maintian the constant communicaiton some of the fraudulant people do.

I corresponded with a woman who stated after her SO arrived she got into his email. She discovered that she was communicating with sonmeone that was fowarding the emails to her SO. That someoen met her and then gave her information to her husband. This is common to sell your information. Once they get here. Tehy owe tons of money to send home to people who helped them.

Now I look back to allt he people who played a hand in making my visit pleasant were payed well. I am 100% positive my friend who fixed us up was paid for the arrangment.

Dont be afraid to ask lots of questions. I know I was afraid because I didn't want him ot hink I doubted him. Ask detailed questions..write them down. Three weeks later ask them again. My mom told me she started asking my ex questions about his family. She said he verred off to another subject. She knew there was something wrong. When I asked himt he same simple question he answered me so soft I couldn't hear him. Then gave me arough answer instead of an exact.

I thought there was something mentally wrong with this man for a while.

I like to see signs that people noticed that we should also consider. I appreciate this.