Strained Marriage

[coraliesolms 47]

Since we found out we were in AP, things between my hubby and I have been awkward. Its like its the big elephant in the room and we cant ignore it, but neither of us want to talk about it. The stress has just created too much tension, and Im worried that after 3 and a half years of dealing with this, that its just going to be too much. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of awkwardness?

Its like we cant even talk anymore.

[Sam and Ben 2]

I'm certainly not of the "experienced" that you requested, however, my two cents...

This process, as you are well aware, is trying on the best of us, and even in the best of situations is strenuous. Whether a 2-month or a 2-year wait, it all seems never-ending when you are separated from the person you've vowed to spend your life with.

But it isn't.

It is completely understandable that you both be at your wits' end in this. Whenever one or both spouses are stressed about something, as we all know, it affects everything we feel and do... and if not handled properly, it can tear us apart. But you don't have to let it! People change over time, but a couple makes the choice to try their best at changing together. Separation makes this hard, but not impossible. Do what you can in your time apart to strengthen your relationship. Don't let problems - like this process - hang in the balance between you two. Talk about it, rant about it. Write letters together to whoever you can, explaining the issues this lengthy wait has caused.

If you or your husband have changed - just as in any relationship - you have to decide if those changes are worth the long haul. But if immigration is the only thing weighing you down as a couple, remember why you undertook it and persevere. It'll be worth it.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

While our wait was no where near what yours has been, while we were waiting for our I-129f approval the processing time dates kept being pushed back further and further so that the original 100 days that was stated when we filed, became 120 and then 180 - and as we approached and eventually passed the 180th day with no decision, we started having problems. All of our attempts to find out any information - including a visit to his Congressman's office - produced zilch, and we felt like we had been abandoned in the Black Hole of Calcutta. My fiance began to feel that maybe this was a 'sign' that we were not really meant to be together. We started having arguments and disagreements - and as you so well describe it - there was an elephant in the room. He started having second thoughts - and third - and fourth . . .

He was up visiting over Christmas and friends were giving us an engagement party on the night after one of these frustrated discussions. We went and I didn't even know if we were still 'engaged' or not. We smiled and put up the pretense of 'the front' while all the time we were mulling over whether we were going to continue or just abandon everything because it was going no where. The very next day the NOA2 came through - but it was bittersweet because the elephant was still there. I didn't feel any joy or relief - just the sense of not knowing what was going to happen because even though the NOA2 had finally come through, I didn't know if 'we' were going to make it.

He returned home without us having any discussion about the NOA2, and without making a conscious decision one way or another. When I got my package from Montreal I finally asked him if I should continue, and he said 'yes'. We've had a few rough times since but that was definitely the hardest of them all and the one that nearly broke us up. I still tremble to think what might have been - or in this case - not have been.

So, my suggestion is not to make any sort of a decision now while you still have this big unknown in front of you. What you are feeling now will change once that USCIS barrier is gone. Then, when you are not dealing with the stress caused by the 'cone of silence' forced upon you by the Consulate, you will be able to think more clearly about what you two really want. However much longer this process takes, that same amount of time is going to pass no matter what you do. Why not continue to 'wait it out' together? Try not to use the 'wait' as a reason for making a decision about the relationship. Wait until you have a decision - and then decide if this is what you still want now you have that barrier removed.

You are near the end of the process - see if you can wait until there is something more definite before you make a decision that you might regret. Good luck to the two of you, and I hope you hear good news soon.

[besaangel 17]

Wow. thank you for sharing that story- very necessary indeed

[coraliesolms 47]

Thank you so much Kathryn!! Thats exactly what it is for us. I think he just doesnt really know how to deal with my hurt, because he is so far away that he feels useless. I just hope this ends soon. Thank you very much for that though Kathryn, Im glad Im not the only one who lets it creep into my head that all of these difficulties are a "sign".

[Darnell 8,478]

I view it as 'abnormal stress' - and IMO, should be treated as such.

Can't suggest what to do for the husband, but for you , during the next three weeks -

cut contact with him by half and

spend your free time doing

yoga and

aerobic exercise (ya, even speed walking is useful) and

meditation and

get back to that hobby that you've neglected for so long.

The first three get yer body to shift a bit, and a shift of body chemistry without prescriptions is always good.

Seriously - you need to get back to being Human.

You were Human once - remember how it was?

Get back to it - and note - it ain't easy getting back in the groove -

you've allowed this @#$@% Visa Process to permeate your being and yer marriage.

And It Shows.

No, I'm not knocking you, not at all.

Been There, Done That, Wrote the Screen Play, and Sold It .

It's nerve wracking, ya don't sleep, arguments over nothing instantly nosedive into repetitive topics of

'You Don't Love Me' or

'I'm giving Up' or

'Why didn't you do the paperwork __THIS__ way, to begin with?'

You need to relax yerself.

For an immediate jumpstart, for you - get out to a Day Spa on Sunday

and have a deep tissue massage along with a mani/pedi.

You'll feel better, trust me.

If, after 3 weeks of the yoga/aerobic exercise/meditation routine, that stress is still there - strongly suggest you get into a therapist's office and unload all with him/her.

Good Luck !

[sachinky 464]

It's nerve wracking, ya don't sleep, arguments over nothing instantly nosedive into repetitive topics of

'You Don't Love Me' or

'I'm giving Up' or

'Why didn't you do the paperwork __THIS__ way, to begin with?'

Oh. My. God. That is so us.

[Darnell 8,478]

SachinKy - uh huh. yup. I KNOW !!!

[coraliesolms 47]

DARNELL!!! You described it to a TEE!! I really have become an immigration zombie, and it shows. Too much time on the couch moping. And its left us with nothing else to talk about!! ( And yes, I am guilty of the "you dont love me because if you did you woulda filed those papers yesterday instead of today....).

Thank you all so much, this is what I wanted when I started this topic. Now I know im not "crazy" and my marriage isnt really that far on the rocks. Just need a bit of "back to basics". Starting with right now... I think Ill take my 3 yr old for a nice walk!

[slider100 8]

Coralie, I will be sending you a pm about this post that you've started my friend, fairly soon! But for now, I just want to say that you are a pillar of strength, and y'all will be together fairly soon!

KnR aka slider100

[antda 13]

Since we found out we were in AP, things between my hubby and I have been awkward. Its like its the big elephant in the room and we cant ignore it, but neither of us want to talk about it. The stress has just created too much tension, and Im worried that after 3 and a half years of dealing with this, that its just going to be too much. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of awkwardness?

Its like we cant even talk anymore.

Coraliesolms-(((hugs))) If it makes you feel any better, I totally understand your situation too! Despite us being together while we were waiting, it sure did cause a lot of problems in our marriage too. It definitely created a lot of tension and stress and at times it was too much too. It got to the point where we actually went for counselling, and actually did think about breaking up. And yes, our main point of arguments were on immigration-related issues too.

It affected so many aspects of our lives, negatively...

For example, financially, emotionally, socially, medically, relationship-wise, etc.....

In ways, like you, I couldn't ignore it either. And in ways, I found that my husband didn't fully understand what all the fuss was about either...But then again, he had nothing to worry about, as he could stay..and I was the one that couldn't..

We didn't want to talk about it, but yet we had to talk about it, as it was still there and we needed to do something about it, in order to get it resolved...

Thank goodness I had the help of VJers along the way, who understood better too...lol....

Needless to say, we somehow worked out our problems, and have moved on from that.

And decided to stay together instead of break apart......

Lol..It sure helped that I don't have to deal with immigration anymore.

So I do hope that you are able to work through this. And if you do, it will certainly be a big accomplishment, indeed!

Time heals all wounds. And before you know it, time will pass and you will be done with this too....

Don't worry, you will get through this...You are not alone!

In the meantime, focus on spending time with your husband and your daughter, doing other things.

Things as simple as phone calls, writing to each other, keeping in touch, while you are apart, certainly helps!

Remember the love and time that you have with your family cannot be taken away. Enjoy every moment!...

Don't let immigration win over your life, win back your own life instead!

And if you can work through this difficult immigration process in your relationship, then you can work through anything!

So yes, go take your daughter out for a walk, instead! Have fun!

(lol..if only I could taken my own advice years ago...oh well....)

Good luck on your journey too. And may it work out for the best for you and your family.

Ant

Edited April 11, 2010 by Ant+D+BabyA

[coraliesolms 47]

It is very encouraging to know that we aren't the only ones who have felt this way. I am lucky to have you guys here on VJ. I feel much more positive about things today.

[ZansGirl 0]

Coralie.....sorry my reponse is so long in coming....lol..

Ever since I met you in Vancouver at the medical..and we hoofed it all over looking for places for passport photos, and trying to find the 'right' White Spot...wehave kept in pretty close contact..even if it is just VJ and MSN. And there is one thing that I have learned about you....YOU ARE THE STRONGEST, MOST DETERMINED YOUNG WOMAN I HAVE EVER MET! I know how hard this is for you and unlike a lot of us, you have so many more 'hiccups' in your journey and stupid detours and 'do not enter' signs to navigate on your journey...I seriously would have crawled into a hole and given up. But you.....it is like every new speed bump they throw at you, you take a few moments to do the thrashing and wailing thing, and then WATCH OUT!! You throw on your helmet and you ram head first into it with so much determination and a '#### you' attitude that simply astonishes me!!

You will get through this and you will be the person who comes back on VJ years later with wisdom and advice and a calming manner that will endear you to all the newbies on the board!!! Your Podunk hubby is lucky to have found you!! And I am blessed to have you as a 'fellow dumb immigrant' (inside joke folks!!!)

That is all I have to say!! Love ya Girlie!!!!