Cheating Fiance

[tigerlily 0]

when my ex cheated me, i did not give him a second chance. i can forgive but not forget. if he did it once, he can do it again. his infidelity is a sign of falling out love to me. if he loves me, he will respect me and will not hurt me in anyway. damage is already done and can never be undone. balance your mind and heart and not just follow your heart. feelings can deceive you. forgiving is a virtue but being blind is stupidity. true love waits for tomorrow. i would rather be broken now than later so i can start moving on to the next chapter of my tiny life. someone deserves your love who will be with you thru thick and thin.

[marklovetina 52]

Once a cheater!!

i know someone who is good as like u.. but there was an old saying: once a cheater, is always be a cheater!!!..

now that she knew that u can forgive her that easily even she do that... she will always do that to u, especially that kind of girl, always in a nightclub..?, oh she will be kind just a few days..? few months...? then after that.. and if ur always away???!!!... oh...

good luck to u and open ur eyes and mind...

[Dakine 26]

Even if she doesn't cheat anymore. The fact she did will ALWAYS be there in the future. Brings up trust issues in more ways than just sex.

Also if she wasn't smart enough to be aware there are STDs out there, possibility of pregancy and did use preventive measures. She is dumb.

Not a good gene prospect for you guys having kids if that's in the lineup.

Maybe be a hell of a experieced fun ** tho.

LOTS of fish in the sea. I don't wish you luck. Use your brain.

Edited February 7, 2010 by Dakine

[johnnybgood265 3]

Sleep with her best friend, then dump her asap.

[dakay ♥ 10]

Does this mean it's time to say good-bye? Am I being unreasonable by telling her I'm not comfortable with her going to clubs? Should I just suck it up and try to trust her again?

feelings changed, you won't never trust her again, doesn't matter where you are living, the trust is broken!

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

I think most of the advice in this thread has been pretty good. I totally agree that the fact that she has cheated this one time would always be in the back of your mind, no matter how long the relationship exists. She's capable of it, and that says a lot. I'm a very forgiving sort of person, but even I don't think I could forgive my wife if she cheated on me. And your SO isn't a wife.

I always say that this whole immigration process does a lot to test the strength of one's relationship. Many relationships don't make it, which is probably a GOOD thing, really. When you think about it, the strongest relationships are ones that can endure several months of separation without emotional or physical transgressions. Obviously your fiancee doesn't hold your relationship in the same esteem as you do. Cheating IS a choice...and if she has done it this early in a relationship, there's a very high chance that she will do it later.

If the relationship has any hope whatsoever, you should see an incredible amount of contrition and repentance from her. She shouldn't balk at your request that she stop clubbing (and really...what committed people "club" these days???). She should be begging your forgiveness and explaining the situation. From what you said (including your "against my better judgment" comment), it looks like your relationship isn't strong enough to trust any forgiveness and contrition anyhow. Only you can make that decision though.

Sorry...and good luck.

[justashooter 430]

chinese girls come in all kinds of different flavours. it sounds like you got "rocky road". she might grow out of it, or she might not.

sexual ethics in china are in turmoil just now, as people go from a conservative eastern culture towards what they interpret the western culture to be (which is far from the reality). lots of mistakes are being made, but the real question has to do with the sense of guilt. if she has it, you are well off. if it's not strong enuf to keep her out of the "discos", you are at risk.

a month and a half? your choice, but realise that she is gonna be even more needy for the first year or so in the states, and if you live close to a large chinese population, she might choose to express the need outside of your relationship.

[NickD 203]

After glancing over all the replies, no one mentioned, when you engage in the Holy Sacrament of Marriage, the Holy Spirit will come down from heaven and make everything all right.

But even the Church admits that if one of the parties does not enter into the marriage in good faith, will grant an annulment, but only after you have lived a very miserable life.

From my personal experience, be happy this happened now and before your commitment, but didn't know at the time before my marriage, ex had a history of messing around. Call that a marriage IQ of less than two.

Dumped the b!tch.

[Fandango 1,440]

I would dump her, but that's just me...and clearly everyone else on this thread too, lol. I've been cheated on, and it has a way of completely screwing with your head, doubting yourself, becoming untrusting, etc. At least it did for me. I honestly loathe my ex, not because we're not together, but because it was a completely selfish and disrespectful thing to do to someone who cares for you....leave me before you cheat on me, that's my opin....yet, they give no thought to the aftermath that you have to endure. 'Hooray for me and fuque you' lol. It's been a v long road of growth for me since then, but even now, it was even affecting my current relationship, when we started. It is only through my fiance's support and patience that I am able to sit here and say I trust him wholeheartedly. Mind you, he never did anything to not have me trust him...and Thank God he was so patient with me!

But it's easy to say 'dump him/her' when it's not happening to you...and when you get married it is 'for better and worse'. I'm not condoning cheating at all, think it's reprehensible...but if she's truly contrite (which it doesn't sound like she is)...you have to figure out if you have that capacity to forgive. Everyone does make mistakes, no one is perfect. Sounds like I'm straddling the fence with my response, but it's only because I'm not you, don't know you, don't know your situation. Some couples go through infidelity and come out stronger *shrug*.

Edited February 7, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[DanielParul 50]

5 months is not a very long time to wait to be with the love of your life. It is a lame excuse for any cheating partner so they don't have to feel the guilt. Most people here on VJ have waited a lot longer than 5 months and remained faithful. We waited 16 months to be together and 14 months again after being married for 3 months only while Daniel was deployed. Never had a reason or an excuse to even think of being unfaithful to each other. The question is how much commitment do both partners have for each other and how many times during your life together will she easily slip because she feels vulnerable or has no respect for you and your love??

[sara..... 371]

mmm thats no excuse i been waiting years not months and still have not even though of looking for someone else

sara

[sleepy in Seattle 3]

Yes.

I agree with you, for if the person is truly serious about and loves you, he would never cheat on you. I would say goodbye and move on.

[mawilson 2,133]

Hec dude, go out and get laid!

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

cuck·old (k k ld, k k -). n. A man married to an unfaithful wife. tr.v. cuck·old·ed, cuck·old·ing, cuck·olds. To make a cuckold of. ...

A lifestyle choice? You decided no.

[Unsettled 0]

Well, here's the latest update.

I wrote her a letter and decided to give her an ultimatum. I think this was the best choice, because it was the best opportunity to put all the cards on the table and give her the opportunity to be up front about where she is on this.

I basically told her that trust is not freely given. It was broken, and it has to be rebuilt. I told her that going to nightclubs doesn't rebuild trust, and that it's not fair to put me in a position where I'm anxious and stressed out. I pointed out that two months is hardly a long period of time, and that staying away from nightclubs is an awfully small sacrifice to make for someone you want to spend your life with.

At that, I said that I think it's time that we consider seeing other people, since something motivated her to stray in the first place.

Shortly after that, she sent me a text message urgently trying to get in touch with me. Now, I don't like to play games, but I didn't respond to her because I honestly didn't know what to say. And I considered that responding might inevitably put us in this vicious cycle that would never end. However ... she told me unambiguously that it's not even close to worth it for her to lose me by going out clubbing, and that she would certainly give it up.

Well ... I responded. I told her that since the trust was broken, I can't even have any way of knowing whether or not she's going to clubs behind my back or not. I said I don't want to go through these two months wondering. She responded that she'll skype with me from her home before she goes to bed each night to prove it ... she said she'll do whatever it takes to earn my trust, even if it takes years.

Now I have a bit of a dilemma. The bottom line is that I'm deeply in love with this girl. I know it sounds bad that she goes out clubbing, but honestly, that's part of the culture in her part of the world, and even my most conservative friends when clubbing in that city. I hardly ever go out to clubs at all here in the states, but I went often there, because that's just what people do. So I can't blame her for feeling the peer pressure to go clubbing ... it doesn't make her slutty (as some have asserted). But, she can avoid going pretty easily if she values this relationship. She's made a commitment to me not to go to nightclubs, and provided a method of accountability. I think that means something, because if she really wanted to see other people, she would have pounced on my assertion that was for the best.

I do know her pretty well. Although it was surprising that she strayed, she was never like that before. I've talked to other boyfriends in her past, and she was always conservative and faithful. She was certainly always faithful to me before, even when I took a trip to the states for three weeks. As I mentioned ... I knew when something had happened, there was a sudden guilt that was evident all over her face. A bad girl doesn't exhibit that kind of guilt ... I know, because I've been with some bad girls. No remorse at all, it's normal for them to sleep around a lot with complete selfish disregard for anyone else. I think to err is human, and my fiance made a mistake (and a big one, at that). If she really wanted to keep seeing other guys, wouldn't she just choose that (especially when I opened the door for that to happen)?

She's made it clear that she wants to salvage our relationship and is willing to do whatever it takes without compromise. I have the added bonus in this relationship with being pretty close with her sister and brother-in-law who are both living in the US right now. She confessed what happened to her sister, and her sister of course ripped her a new one. But they both believe she's really genuine in her remorse, and it seems pretty obvious to me that she is.

Do I give the girl another chance, or cut her loose? Well, I know I'm the only one who can make that decision. But I'm curious what others would do, given the circumstances.