How do you handle each other's pasts?

[gwenneh 7]

Heh. Not many people have my example!

He has a past, and so do I. He has kept every e-mail he's gotten-ex related or no-since 1995. There are cards and keepsakes, and I have the same from mine. Why should I be upset by the past? Other people have loved him-as far as I'm concerned, that only re-enforces the idea that I made a good choice! The past is past. Memories are nice, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who his future belongs to...we talk over everything else. When I am scared or sad, he'll talk to me-even if it means he has to come home from work to do it. I've looked through his e-mails (at his invitation) and he's looked through mine, the only thing it did was give me a better picture of the man I love, rather than getting me upset.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Hm...I've experienced about all of the above except for the 'adult entertainment/rock star' examples....*waves to Gwennie*

My husband had a girlfriend who did pass away. He brought a couple of little trinkets she had given him when he moved here, and in fact they are on his desk here at the house. I think it's honorable that he kept them.

He had a load of letters in his house that I found when I was there (we were pulling out stuff from closets to decide what to keep and what to toss). There were 'pen-pal' letters that I really didn't enjoy seeing and was frankly annoyed about - I only read one and it looked like more than friendship to me. I was upset BUT only because I felt he hadn't been honest with me with about his past relationships. We had a row about it and....the result?

He pitched everything while I was away from the house. Including a CD that another past girlfriend had made with her band. And I really wanted to hear her music, and had wanted him to bring the CD over with him (he loves music). I never intended for him to get rid of such a sentimental object.

I think we have to remember that our SO's had a life before us and try to respect the boundaries of memory that go along with that. Hindsight being 20/20 I wished I had kept my mouth shut. After all, we WERE there that day to throw things away....

I've also got a child with my ex-husband, and that IS the hold he has on me. It will never ever go away. Somedays I don't know how Wes deals with all the baggage that goes along with that hold. He's very understanding of it and I'm ever so grateful. At the moment we are in the process of selling the home I lived in with my first husband, and as part of the move I will be selling off my first wedding dress (presently in a box under the sofa). As for pictures of my first husband, I don't feel I can throw those out. I keep them for our son.

Everybody has a history. Just try and respect it.

I understand 100% of what you have said Reb. I too have pics still of my ex, but none of them have me in them. They are all pics of him with our sons which I will give to my children when they are older. Ian knows this. But to find pics of him and his ex alone together, one of her nighties under the mattress on his side of the bed, and sleeping on the same bed, it can be a bit daunting. Yes, he has since gotten rid of the pics and the nightie, and soon enough we will be having our own bed and home together. She even texted him on Christmas and then texted him on New Years, when he didn't reply to the Happy New Year one, she text him the next day and said I see things haven't changed then. IS she fooking stupid?? She was the one who left him after cheating on him for 8 years!!! And she expects him to still be hung up over her??? He did finally tell her after getting that last text to leave things alone and to stop calling him unless it has to do with the children. She was even coming into the house when Ian and I weren't around. That is not on. He finally put a stop to that too. I am not a jealous person, I just want respect for our marriage. That is all that I ask for.

As far as a past goes, of course I understand that Ian has a past and I appreciate that. I certainly don't think his life started when he met me lol. I too have a past. I keep telling him that I want to live for the now and for the future. But I have to agree with Ian's family, we will be able to have a better life when we are far away from his ex.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks to everyone for sharing about how they handle their pasts. It really helps me. In my situation and perhaps it will change when we are finally living together - the past seems to be a sensitive subject. Jinky has casually asked me on the phone about my last relationship and in an attempt to help her to understand I probably said to much because it bothered her. She admits that she can be jealous, but I assure her that she has nothing to be envious about. I'm just learning that some things are better left unsaid and put to rest.

I agree with those who said that our pasts are what have made us the person we are to our spouses today. That is the positive message that we both need to keep reminding ourselves.

[gtigiant 0]

very open communication for us. both of us have a little jealous streak, and my being married before makes it a little difficult for her at times. just being very very open about it all has really helped. no secrets and any question can be asked. We have had things that we decided it was not the right time to talk about it, but then we set a time to discuss the matter (maybe better when in person vs over the phone, or perhaps one or the other is upset and we both realize that we need to to be sensible and balanced when the matter is discussed so it is tabled for a "short" time)

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Thanks to everyone for sharing about how they handle their pasts. It really helps me. In my situation and perhaps it will change when we are finally living together - the past seems to be a sensitive subject. Jinky has casually asked me on the phone about my last relationship and in an attempt to help her to understand I probably said to much because it bothered her. She admits that she can be jealous, but I assure her that she has nothing to be envious about. I'm just learning that some things are better left unsaid and put to rest.

I agree with those who said that our pasts are what have made us the person we are to our spouses today. That is the positive message that we both need to keep reminding ourselves.

I think some of us gals like to know what we are up against. The reality is, that there is no competion. I agree that once you are together things will probably change, for now I would gather it is difficult for her not being physically there. She has to realise though she isn't with you, she is still very real and no woman from your past could step in and take her place while she is absent.

[CarolineM 0]

This is a tough one for me.

I am his only GF, fiancee or wife. First most things...really. So he doesn't have much a past in that regard.

I, however, do. I've been engaged before as well, and we've talked about it and he knew about it...he was the reason I left the other one...but he never wants to know about most things in my past...example, how many people i've slept with. I'm torn. On one hand, I want him to know because my past has defined me, but on the other I definitely don't want him to know becuase it would hurt him.

I don't have any "trinkets" or letters or cards from ex's. It's weird...over the past five yeras he is the ONLY one whose stuff I kept

Anyway I guess my point is, for us, the past is definitely the past. He doesn't have one and doesn't ask many questions about mine!! (Relationship wise of course)

[rebeccajo 14]

Oh, I'll admit to being possessive and jealous.

That unfortunately too is past baggage. My ex-husband was a cheater - big time. It's hard to put that behind you. I'm trying to learn though - by being loved more than I've ever been loved before.

[Nessa 23]

Do you tell them who it was from?

Yes, why not?

Do you let them read it?

It's personal, but if the spouse insists why not, just don't complain after reading it.

Do you tell them that it was nothing and you planned to throw it away?... I'd prefer the damn thing in the trash.

I would tell my spouse the truth, it was something when I received the letter, it means nothing now. I wasn't planning to throw it away, but if it was really bothering my spouse it could be done, no problem.

But do you think that some things, some details about your past, even though your spouse is asking you to share and you are willing to, that perhaps some of it is better not shared?

... I don't see any reason why she would keep a romantic token such as a card from her ex-boyfriend/husband.

I think past belongs in the past. Charles and I talked about our previous relationships, and we both keep pictures of them and we both know that's all in the past, it's part of our lives, but it has ended.

IMO is a matter of respect. Everybody have their right to have their privacy. If your spouse wants to keep pictures or letter it's her right. It's her life, she experienced that. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or she wants that life back. Don't people keep pictures of their birthday parties, etc? Does that mean they want to be 5 years old and be blowing that specific candle? (no perv comments needed, ty)

If you feel unconfortable just don't look at it. She's not obligating you to read her old love letters. Respect her privacy, acccept she had a life prior you, and live the life you're both sharing NOW.

[Ban Hammer 14,250]

Sure we have talked about our past early on. It never caused any difficulties, because for us our past is what has brought us together and makes us the couple that we are.

I did have the task of sorting through his boxes, mind you his ex wife packed those boxes and put things in there that in my opinion should have been thrown away. At the time finding cards she had given him during their marriage etc made me think she had placed them in there on purpose, and she likely did. They did not really trouble me. I did not throw them away myself, because that really wasn't my decision, after all they were his personal items. I stacked them seperately, and ask him to go out and finish sorting through what I had placed to the side. Needless to say he threw them away himself.

Also when he transferred all the data from his old pc to the one I use here at the house, there were many many photos with her in them. He told me to delete them, instead I placed them all on a disc and saved it for his children. There is a couple of photos I kept of their wedding day, which have Tim's parents in them as well. Tim's mother is deceased and since there are very few photos of her later in life I could not bare to delete these, I just try to avoid looking at the beast in her frilly white dress!

I just don't feel there is a reason to worry about ones past, because there is a reason that they are no longer with that person and are now with you. The way I see it, I owe his ex many thanks for making and moulding him into what he is now, and most of all for not loving him enough and giving me the opportunity to find him!

your handling of the above, with the items in the boxes and especially with the pics is very classy. you're a gem and tim should be quite thankful for being yours

(note: the above may sound like sarcasm to some but it's not, actually i'm giving bethanie some major praise).

Edited July 5, 2006 by charlesandnessa

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I respect what you have posted nes. But let me just ask you this, have either of you been married before and if so, do either one of you have children with that previous spouse? It isn't so easy to just let things go when there is still contact. Yes I exept the fact that Ian has children and has a previous wife, if I didn't then I wouldnt have married him. BUT STILL...this woman uses anything and everything to worm her way in which makes it very difficult. Surely you can see that right???

LJ

Edited July 5, 2006 by Laura_and_IanM

[snz1802 0]

I think of all the things my fiance and I fight about, it has to be my past. He gets so upset about my past, can't get past it. I have done everything I know to do and he still can't get past it. It's not like i have murdered anyone or anything. I was married, I have a son. Sometimes I think it is a cultural difference also. I know he loves me very much, I just wish I could feel like he actually accepts me for me, for who i am, past and all.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Sure we have talked about our past early on. It never caused any difficulties, because for us our past is what has brought us together and makes us the couple that we are.

I did have the task of sorting through his boxes, mind you his ex wife packed those boxes and put things in there that in my opinion should have been thrown away. At the time finding cards she had given him during their marriage etc made me think she had placed them in there on purpose, and she likely did. They did not really trouble me. I did not throw them away myself, because that really wasn't my decision, after all they were his personal items. I stacked them seperately, and ask him to go out and finish sorting through what I had placed to the side. Needless to say he threw them away himself.

Also when he transferred all the data from his old pc to the one I use here at the house, there were many many photos with her in them. He told me to delete them, instead I placed them all on a disc and saved it for his children. There is a couple of photos I kept of their wedding day, which have Tim's parents in them as well. Tim's mother is deceased and since there are very few photos of her later in life I could not bare to delete these, I just try to avoid looking at the beast in her frilly white dress!

I just don't feel there is a reason to worry about ones past, because there is a reason that they are no longer with that person and are now with you. The way I see it, I owe his ex many thanks for making and moulding him into what he is now, and most of all for not loving him enough and giving me the opportunity to find him!

your handling of the above, with the items in the boxes and especially with the pics is very classy. you're a gem and tim should be quite thankful for being yours

(note: the above may sound like sarcasm to some but it's not, actually i'm giving bethanie some major praise).

Aw thanks Charles . It really isn't anything special, just the way we are. Everyone has personal items, and it is down to them as to what they keep. I trust him to the ends of the earth, there is not a token one he could have from his past that would worry me.

[Nessa 23]

I respect what you have posted nes. But let me just ask you this, have either of you been married before and if so, do either one of you have children with that previous spouse? It isn't so easy to just let things go when there is still contact. Yes I exept the fact that Ian has children and has a previous wife, if I didn't then I wouldnt have married him. BUT STILL...this woman uses anything and everything to worm her way in which makes it very difficult. Surely you can see that right???

LJ

I was never married and have no kids, Charles was married once and had a kid. But I'd rather not discuss much details about our personal lives here.

I understand baggage from previous marriage can be a burden. Not that I personally have experience with it, but I know Charles's past and I'm lucky enough not to have his past interfering with our lives together now. At least not so far (remember, we're not married yet).

Your last statement, I didn't quite understand what does it have to do with what I've posted, I'm sorry.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I respect what you have posted nes. But let me just ask you this, have either of you been married before and if so, do either one of you have children with that previous spouse? It isn't so easy to just let things go when there is still contact. Yes I exept the fact that Ian has children and has a previous wife, if I didn't then I wouldnt have married him. BUT STILL...this woman uses anything and everything to worm her way in which makes it very difficult. Surely you can see that right???

LJ

I dunno LJ, my ex had a child from another relationship, Tim has children from a prior marriage there are just many things you have to let go of. Chalk most of it up to ignorance, and remember you are his wife she is an ex! If these things don't trouble him, then try not to let them trouble you either. Fact is if he is blowing her actions off, it means he really doesn't give a rats a** what she does. Men are better at this than most of us gals.

I kept my mouth closed for a very long time, because I felt parenting was between the two of them. Finally after many silly antics on her end, I in a nutshell told her that she had no place in our relationship, and that the only thing that mattered were the children and unless it were an emergency with the boys she had absolutely no reason to speak to either of us. That pretty well solved it.

B

[dollface41601 0]

i have a pretty rare case.....I was my husbands first kiss, love, etc....as he is muslim. I feel VERY blessed to share that with him. I had some past, with an ex of 3 years, sofyan knows "of him" but not the extent and we just choose not to talk abotu it....he doesnt ask, and I dont tell....If he did want to know, i would be very open to talk about it, but, he thinks its better not to know for jealousy reasons...