Contemplating Divorce

[Emancipation 2]

Another thing to consider is that he may be so protective of you , not being able to give you the support you need is very frustrating to him right now. He is probably more frustrated and angry at the situation than at you- it's just manifesting as angry/hurtful words towards you.

Now I'm not a counselor by any stretch of the imagination, but this was one of the first things I thought of! Men think sooooo differently from women..and sometimes, we tend to forget that. Perhaps he's feeling like he let you down. He didn't protect you back then. I'm just grasping at straws...I have NO idea what he's feeling or thinking, but most men that love their wives would do anything to protect them. He's dealing with it in his way, and that may not be how you would. I could be wrong about it, you won't know until you talk with him. Let him finish out his week. He needs time too.

That's what I was thinking of last night as well.. sometimes guys want something they can do... you say something and they want to fix it right now... if there is nothing that they can do to fix it (ie. he's away and unable to really comfort you in a tangible way) that could be frustrating as well, and something he's just not willing to talk about/deal with until he's back in town. He could be just frustrated he can't help you in this situation, in which case he's right, you need to find help outside your relationship and get a counselor to help you work through the experience and find a way to restore your peace. (which is another thing guys try to do - find solutions which can be irritating because sometimes I just want to be HEARD)

Sometimes I remind my hubby that I don't need him to find a solution or FIX anything.. I just want him to listen.. I tell him there's nothing to be DONE, just please hear me out and let me talk and hold me when I cry..

[trailmix 77]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you are tired - so you probably aren't thinking about things the same way you think about them when you are well rested - so be sure to get some sleep before you talk this through with him.

From the little you have told us it sounds like you two are having a really tough time communicating right now and you are both on defense. When you are both on defense - basically all you do is go round and round - never really accomplishing any understanding.

Counselling at this point can't hurt, it may give you the tools to work through this, not just the trauma of the attack but the communication between the two of you.

Sure he gave up some things to come and live with you in the U.S. - but that was his choice and he decided to do it, it isn't something you need to feel 'responsible' for. You love him and want him to be happy sure - but he did make that decision.

You mention you hadn't heard from him for 3 days so you sent him a text. Why hadn't he contacted you in 3 days?

I think we don't have enough information here to really give you solid advice, however I do wish you luck.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

It sounds like co-dependency to me and he can't cope with it anymore. So he took a break forcing you to face being alone and independent again. This gives him a break and allows you to find your own solution and judge where you are at since it's apparent to him he can't fix what is psychologically going on with you. You were alone before marriage I assume? I see you are very aware of where you stand internally and that the situation stems from the personal trauma. When a person enters our home that's a violation of privacy and security and when they attempt to attack us that's attacking our personal power. I can see how that is very unsettling and how you wouldn't feel safe again. I am sorry this happened to you but you are strong enough to over come it. Many people have done it before you. There are people qualified to support and aid you out there at outreach facilities such as your local Women's Center. You're on the right track with looking up a counselor but it's really up to you to pick up the thousand pound telephone and do what you have needed to do for yourself since Feb. Once you start doing for yourself your Husband can be back to his position of where he supports you. It will probably be good for him to see his other half getting better again too. All around it would be healthy for the relationship if you take the step to reclaiming your independence yourself and not keep putting this on him to carry so much because truthfully he can't do it for you. No one can. Only friends and family can help so much too and then pretty soon you've blown out your welcome. Counselors are good because you can pay them to listen but even they can only help you so far. Hubby's made it clear he can't do it for you and it's time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and buck up and stop the pity party and move on. At least that's my interpretation of when he said quit milking the situation. I'd hope he'd have a better assessment of you than anyone. Life moves on and I think this is the only way he knows how to help you at this point and in his own way it is supporting you for the better. See the positive side. Take everything in strides. This is just a bump in the road but if you don't help yourself and support yourself the symptoms may get worse and it will show in the deterioration of the marriage.

[Reba 2]

You're both stressed out right now, and lashing out at each other because you have no one or nothing else to lash out at. You're stressed out because of the break in and attack, so is your husband, and your husband has the added stress of homesickness and misisng friends and family. THAT part I totally understand. When we have something stressful happen in our lives, who do we turn to? Friends and family. But when we're so far away from them, it just piles up higher and higher because we are completely out of our comfort zone. And an international border divides us from our comfort zone. Homesickness is a very real thing, and if he was especially close with the people he left behind, stresses here in the US will be that much more difficult to deal with.

Don't you have local friends and family you can turn to for an ear and a shoulder? Someone who could maybe stay with you a couple of nights until your husband gets home? A girlfriend, cousin, sister, your Mom maybe?

I also will suggest a therapist, both one-on-one and marriage counselling. Perhaps you could both benefit from time spent with a mediator to figure out where your stresses are coming from, and why you're lashing out at each other.

And the dog idea may not be such a bad one if you have the time and space for one. Dogs are a wonderful deterrant to break-ins, and also wonderful companions when the other side of the bed is empty. Saint Bernards particularly are great, as they're about human size, and as I read in a Saint Bernard enthusiasts magazine once "there are no monsters under the bed when you sleep with a Saint Bernard" Plus, most people think twice when a 190 pound dog is barking at them.

But, even yapping poodles will deter most break ins. Ask your insurance agent.

[July09Bride 1]

Ruby, in a previous post, you responded to me regarding what it is/was like for your now hubby when he first came over to the USA and he sounds (still) very similar to my fiance'. My fiance' and his mother are not close nby any sense of the word. However, at the first sight of her needing him, he would drop anything and everything to go help her. To be honest, from conversations he & I have about her, he thinks she can be a serious nutcase and can't WAIT to move to the US so he can start a "normal" life. However, I am fully aware that as much as she drives him nuts and he can't wait to be away, I know that she is still his mother. Even if she calls me snotty, a princess, and selfish... he doesn't not disagree with her -- he just says that she can over-react. She is his mother. Period. He'll defend her pretty much until the dire end.

Perhaps your husband is feeling the same way. She bought him the ticket. I'm purely guessing here, but he said he wanted to go home once he had his GC, and she provided the ticket home. Perhaps she wanted to have him there for the three weeks and if she bought the ticket, that meant he didn't have to make the decision between your two week request and his three week visit. I am pretty sure that's how my future MIL would look at it.

Having your hubby be gone after a traumatic event can't be easy. But I know for me, sometimes the more I cling to my fiance' when he's here and I've missed him so much, the more upset he becomes because he feels cramped - even in a wide open space.

As for feeling afraid and alone at night, look in the phone book for a women's center... as that might be the best place instead of trying a random office in the city. If you can find a women's center, give them a call and if they don't offer the services you need, I'm sure they can direct you to the right place. Another option might be a local college/university. Typically they have numerous options available to the public, as the students and professors work with many different counselling situations.

Ruby, you are a strong woman. You might be young, but you are strong. Sometimes the hardest thing to do for strong women, is ask for help. Sometimes the help we need is not the help we want. We want our significant others to provide. Sometimes, we need to ask others for help. In turn, our SOs will be able to provide support as they see us making progress.

Someone earlier posted that men see things very different and react very different than women. One of our worst "fights: ever was because I needed just a gentle touch to let me know things would be okay. All he had to do was take my hand or put his hand on my arm or... just anything to let me know that things would be okay. What did I get instead? An angry man... because I was crying and he couldn't quite figure out why and whatever I was crying over couldn't have been that bad. All of that made me even more upset and that made him more angry... which in turn I started to reciprocate. I got angry. I got mad. I yelled. I screamed. I made him get out of my car. I cried so hard that I was hyper-ventilating and then I had to get my act together so I could cross the border. In my mind, there was an easy solution. All he had to do was touch me, let me know he was "there" - as in, in the present - with me. In his mind, the solution was easy. Quit crying and we'll talk. Neither one of us "knew" that at the time. Now we know. I talk more, he holds my hand or rubs my back or puts a gentle hand on my arm.

Think hard about being in his shoes. What is it he is looking for from you, that you aren't able to provide in the state you're in? What is it that you are REALLY looking for from him? Seek the counselling... find the happy place for you... if you can't keep a dog, perhaps participate in an adoption group and foster a dog. That way, you can have a dog when you want one and don't have to have a dog when you don't want one.

I wish you the best through this difficult time.

[ashenflowers 5]

Everyone so far has already given you such fantastic advice. I don't feel like I can offer you anything further, that hasn't already been said. I'd just be redundant, as I agree with everyone basically. However, I just wanted to tell you to not give up. Don't give up and look for the easy way out, because there isn't one in your situation, and just getting a divorce would probably be more difficult than fixing your problems anyways. You, and your husband, can get through this. And you will, and it will be worth it.

Good luck, and hang in there.

[ashenflowers 5]

.... Ok.. Perhaps one thing I can add, is just a comparable situation. The wildfires in Santa Barbara led to my fiance being evacuated from his home 2 days ago. He lives with his parents for the time being, and his mom was already out of town, but his dad was still there as well. The fires came VERY close to their home (within a mile and a 1/2, and fire was traveling FAST), and ash was snowing down on them like crazy. He even has a video of the police coming down their street and ordering everyone to evacuate via megaphone. You can imagine the terror I felt at seeing the pictures of smoke and ash and police and all that, from so far away. I felt SO helpless, and worried, and lost and alone... And that's not even close to what THEY must have felt in the midst of all that...

The worst feeling was not being able to be there with him. Not being able to help them, and be WITH him to know that he's ok...

We had planned for him to come visit me this coming Friday, the 15th.. but when all this was happening I started to, understandably I think, REALLY really want him to be here... NOW. I didn't want him anywhere near that situation, so I practically begged him to reschedule his flight and come here early. BUT... he was needed there, and I realized that. How SELFISH of me to ask him to leave his family to attend to my needs. Even once his father was safe at a family friends house, I knew, deep down, that he was still needed there. For support, to see how his house is doing, to help with clean up, and to just BE there... with his father, and his mom (who is coming back into California tomorrow to 'handle this as a family' as he put it, which kinda makes me feel even more disconnected....). Of course, knowing he was safe and the fires were starting to get under control, did help calm my fears a little bit.. but still. I'm here, and he's there, and it f'ing SUCKS in this situation more so than it already does.

Anyways... all that was, is trying to find some way to tell you that we can relate. There are times when we REALLY need our spouses or fiances or boyfriend/girlfriends, but we have to remember that they have friends and family who need them too. Your husband was really homesick, and missed all his friends and family. But guess what, they really really missed him too (which is evident in his mom buying the ticket). They need him as well, and he needs to be able to share some of his time with them, and have confidence in you that you will be able to be independent without him. Don't make him choose sides between you and them...

[Caladan 19]

From what you've said, it is *way* too soon to be contemplating divorce. You've been through a major trauma, and he's still dealing with homesickness. Either one of those is enough to put a ton of strain on a marriage. I agree with whoever it was that said his apparent anger at you is probably a mixture of frustration at the situation and his own inability to make it all better, and I think one thing you should do is get counseling for yourself (and maybe him, too), so that he isn't your only source of support.

Remember through all of this that you're both on the same side.

[ashenflowers 5]

From what you've said, it is *way* too soon to be contemplating divorce. You've been through a major trauma, and he's still dealing with homesickness. Either one of those is enough to put a ton of strain on a marriage. I agree with whoever it was that said his apparent anger at you is probably a mixture of frustration at the situation and his own inability to make it all better, and I think one thing you should do is get counseling for yourself (and maybe him, too), so that he isn't your only source of support.

Remember through all of this that you're both on the same side.

Excellent point... Couples should always be trying to work together towards a common goal, which is the health of their relationship. Blaming and attacking each other is not going to help anyone in the long run.

[raymaga 25]

You need to take time for yourself to heal from the devestating event that happened to you in February. I don't think most men understand how something like that can affect a woman and for how long. Counselling would be your best bet right now and an understanding friend or relative to talk to.

I have been in your shoes in the past and understand how fragile you are feeling, and I also understand how your husband feels, having to leave his family and friends in Canada.

You two have both been through a lot of emotional turmoil, and you need each other's support to get through this.

Best wishes.

[kcoyclay1 98]

Hi Ruby, I'm not from Canada but I am quite concerned about what you are going through. You did the right thing in trying to get counseling. You faced a traumatic experience and it has left you extremely fearful and that is very real.

To your husband it appears as if you are "milking" the situation with the intruder, as he puts it. What he does not understand is how real it is to you and how truly fearful you are of being left alone in the house. It is not fair to you but it is also not fair to him as well so the counseling is the best thing to do to get past this fear as it is ripping you guys apart. He cant understand why it is such a big deal to you and you cant understand why he cannot see that your fear is genuine.

I have gone through a similar experience as yours but mine ended worst than yours. I had to see the doctor and was given tranquillizer to sleep. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things so I found a place in my mind to lock away the anger I felt. It only resurfaces when I hear of similar situations.

You can't blame your husband for feeling as if you are over-needing him because he really doesn't understand what you are going through and the devastation that you feel. He cannot blame you for feeling insecure and abandoned when he leaves but the truth is that he really doesn't understand.

The counseling you suggested should be attended by both of you so that he can see the magnitude of the effect this break-in has on you. Next time you speak to him don't pressure him to come home at once because he is thinking that you are being possessive based on his "milking" statement. You guys should really consider purchasing a security alarm system seeing that you fear being alone so that at nights and when he is not at home you will feel protected. When you speak to him say things like "I really miss you because it makes me feel safer when you are around", or "Honey, I cant wait for you to get back home because it is scary being alone in the house". But do not badger him to cut his trip and come home to you cause he is feeling guilty and maybe mis-interprets what you mean and believe you are trying to have him all to yourself. Remember, men really DO NOT communicate like we do.

Now let me ask you something my friend who is a psychologist asked me once " do you think that he would deliberately not care about your safety and would chose to leave you alone knowing that you truly fear being alone?" If your answer is no then stop thinking about divorce as a way to solve the problem because it doesn't. It wouldn't change the fact that you would be alone in the house. All that would happen is that you would not be expecting anyone to be at home protecting you and find a way around it. If you chose to divorce him, change your living situation and get a housemate that person is not going to stay home to ensure your safety because they have their own life to live. A physical presence doesn't mean that you are safe either. I am just being real here and trying to be as practical as possible. So what is left for you to do to feel safe based on the situation? Suggest the counseling and the alarm system. I think it will help. All the best.

I'm praying for you.

[kcoyclay1 98]

It sounds like co-dependency to me and he can't cope with it anymore. So he took a break forcing you to face being alone and independent again. This gives him a break and allows you to find your own solution and judge where you are at since it's apparent to him he can't fix what is psychologically going on with you. You were alone before marriage I assume? I see you are very aware of where you stand internally and that the situation stems from the personal trauma. When a person enters our home that's a violation of privacy and security and when they attempt to attack us that's attacking our personal power. I can see how that is very unsettling and how you wouldn't feel safe again. I am sorry this happened to you but you are strong enough to over come it. Many people have done it before you. There are people qualified to support and aid you out there at outreach facilities such as your local Women's Center. You're on the right track with looking up a counselor but it's really up to you to pick up the thousand pound telephone and do what you have needed to do for yourself since Feb. Once you start doing for yourself your Husband can be back to his position of where he supports you. It will probably be good for him to see his other half getting better again too. All around it would be healthy for the relationship if you take the step to reclaiming your independence yourself and not keep putting this on him to carry so much because truthfully he can't do it for you. No one can. Only friends and family can help so much too and then pretty soon you've blown out your welcome. Counselors are good because you can pay them to listen but even they can only help you so far. Hubby's made it clear he can't do it for you and it's time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and buck up and stop the pity party and move on. At least that's my interpretation of when he said quit milking the situation. I'd hope he'd have a better assessment of you than anyone. Life moves on and I think this is the only way he knows how to help you at this point and in his own way it is supporting you for the better. See the positive side. Take everything in strides. This is just a bump in the road but if you don't help yourself and support yourself the symptoms may get worse and it will show in the deterioration of the marriage.

Flower I really don't think that her husband is trying to force her to be independent again, If that is what he did by leaving, it would be heartless and based on what she said there was no indication of that. We have to be careful how we interpret things and give counsel because that can take her to another level of believing he is just being spiteful and I don't believe that is it. What you are suggesting feels like encouraging someone with a broken leg to get up and walk. He (the broken-foot man in the scenario)has to go through therapy and heal and that is what CaptainRubyHeart has to do and I tell you it isn't easy. Is there anything that you are afraid of? If there is, can you just adjust like that? Get over it and stop the pity party is not the solution. Its like telling a mad man to stop acting crazy and be sane. There are steps that she needs to take but she needs the support in a loving way. The best thing to do is to understand where they are both coming from and respond in a manner that will allow her to see what will work. We cannot address him because he is not the one asking for advice. She made a great suggestion on her own that she has resorted to get counseling and that tells us that she is really not ready to give up on her marriage but is rather feeling alone abandoned and hurt.

I can sense that you are not trying to put her down but just telling it like it is and you have some good advice in there too but we have to try to protect all the other organs so to speak, as we try to repair the damage done to her mind.

Edited May 10, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and compassionate replies. I have literally read all of them three or four times, beginning to end, and have been trying to formulate a response for a little while, but I keep starting, then deleting what I've written. I've done a lot of soul-searching this weekend and a lot of reading and follow-up action. I am now almost positive that I have post-traumatic stress disorder, which I've learned does not typically show up in victims until about 3 to 6 months after an event happens. Anything before that is considered acute stress. My husband's leaving for Canada seems to have triggered all of these feelings of helplessness, hysteria, etc. I was unaware that I even felt this way until he'd already left, and unable to identify WHY I felt the way I do until very recently. And I did not know that there is an actual disorder associated with it (PTSD) until someone mentioned it in this thread and I followed up on it. I have joined a support group in an effort to try to get through it and work on some techniques to help bring myself back to the present and stop feeling so scared and hypersensitive. I do need to take control of my feelings and stop assigning blame to my husband for feeling the way I do. This truly is my burden, and I have to deal with it and make sure to not hurt him in the meantime. I need to make things right between us.

Which, so far, has proven to be very, very difficult because he is furious with me. In an effort to own up to my behavior and take responsibility for my own feelings, I sent him a text message last night explaining to him that I believe I have PTSD, which is why I have been acting the way I have toward him, and that I'm really sorry for my behavior. He replied, "How great for you." I asked him (through text) if we could please talk about it over the phone. He refused to take my call. I texted him again this morning to apologize again. I said, "Sean, I am sorry for how I've acted in your absence. I haven't been emotionally well, but I'm getting help now. I hope you can forgive me sometime soon." No reply. I continued, "I really am sorry for screwing things up between us and ruining your trip. I would like to make it up to you by flying you up to Edmonton for a weekend to see your sister, or by extending your stay in Campbell River by another week. I am trying to make things right." His response was, "I don't really have time to discuss this right now." I asked him to call me later, and he said he would. But I get the feeling that perhaps he's changed his mind, seeing as it's almost midnight and I haven't heard from him.

I don't mean to give you all a blow-by-blow "drama" of what is going on. At this point, I really do feel like I deserve what I am getting. I did ruin his trip, and that is inexcusable. I need to face the reality that he may never forgive me. He may not come home. As I'm learning (already) in my support group, all I can control is myself and my own behavior. Even if Sean never wants to see me or talk to me again, I need to feel good about the way I have handled this and know that I have done everything in my power to extend the olive branch and to make things work.

To try to ease my own lonliness and hypersensitivity to being alone, I am staying over at my mom's tonight. She lives across town, so my drive to work will be 45 minutes instead of 10, but it's worth it to me to just be able to feel OK and be able to get more than 4 hours of sleep!!! My brother's fiancee has agreed to stay with me at my house all week to keep me company, which I really appreciate.

I am grateful for all of your support, prayers, and advice and am happy to read any additional responses or suggestions. Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

[coldwatersurf 5]

do not blame yourself and give yourself a break. take it one day at a time.

[suzukiwookie 1]

The only words of advice I have for you pertain to the counselling.

If you want counselling, I would recommend that you get counselling with a minister at a church of whichever religion you belong to. Even if you are not a religious person. They may be able to offer you spiritual conselling and you can talk the situation out until you reach a good point on the matter.

Counsellors based on psychology or psychiatry will only end up with you hooked on dangerous drugs like anti-depressants which will only destroy your mind and your body. So please don't go this route - you are not feeling the way you're feeling because you have a deficiency of drugs in your system. Make sure your "counsellor" is able to deal with your issues, and is not just a pill-pusher. I have seen too many people ruin their lives this way - when all they wanted was help to begin with. Drugs are not the answer to your problem.

Good luck!