what did you know about your SO's culture before marriage/arrival

[Y's_habibitk 2]

this should keep us occupied

I'm thinking about the link between what you knew/know about your SO's culture and adjustment/sucess of the relationship.

Before ANY marriage, the important things should be discussed like roles,expectations, who does what ect ect.

Did you have these convos before marriage or before your loved one arrived home to the US?

Share your experience

Im sure this thread has been done before, but if so..not in a long while

Lisa

[al-Hubb jameel 0]

This is a great topic, I'm so glad you brought it up! I love anything middle eastern and have many friends who are either from the middle east or have SO from there. A few years ago I started going to Arabic school on the weekend which was in a Mosque and also taught about Islam. However, I stopped because I moved to Belize to be the Peace Corps. Even in the tiny country of Belize, the first thing I did was to find a Lebanese restaurant and a group of Lebanese friends. Upon leaving Belize I move to south FL, where yet again I found my "group". Of course I have dated M.E men. I just didn't find the right one until I met my love, Nadeem. (On a side note: With him I feel like a woman. I love how protective he is and I love that he takes such an interest in my life and always wants to know what I am doing, who I am with, and if I am safe. He is a good provider and a hard worker. He is so family oriented and deep and emotional. He is loving and sweet, but he knows when to put his foot down and I respect that)

We have discussed just about every topic I think there is to discuss. We are both old fashioned when it comes to relationships and marriages, and we both appreciate this in each other very much. We both prefer traditional gender roles. Personally I want nothing more than to be a wife and a mother and that job will always come first in my life. I'm 33 years old, I have had years of being independent and career oriented. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of this life and how excited I am at the thought of having someone to take care of, and to take care of me.

I think one of the most valuable lessons I have learned (and am still improving) is how to argue. He gets very heated and emotional, and when I quickly jump to argue back it always ends with both of us upset and angry. However, I learned that if I can manage to just hold my tounge and listen to him (no matter how crazy it is sounding in the heat of the moment) then he really calms down quickly. Then later, when we are totally off topic, and things are relaxed, I can revisit that same topic, and sweetly tell him my point of view. At that point he's totally willing to listen and discuss and we are able to resolve the issue.

I am returning to Jordan April 9-25 to be with him. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

We have discussed just about every topic I think there is to discuss. We are both old fashioned when it comes to relationships and marriages, and we both appreciate this in each other very much. We both prefer traditional gender roles. Personally I want nothing more than to be a wife and a mother and that job will always come first in my life. I'm 33 years old, I have had years of being independent and career oriented. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of this life and how excited I am at the thought of having someone to take care of, and to take care of me.

Thanks for sharing, and i can def identify with the above.

We also talked and talked and talked about what our expectations are and what we think a marriage is all about, thank god we're on the same page. if we werent, we wouldnt have gotten married.

My husband was suprised that i knew so much about his culture and religion when we first started getting to know eachother. I just love learning about those things, and it def helps in our relationship

[notime4haterz 0]

Well having the background that I have, I knew almost everything. Although, I must admit, the things that struck me as odd with my husband is how liberal he was with certain things. Comparing him to my father, he's actually much more laid back than my father was with me...I guess it's different with a wife and daughter. My husband is VERY strict with his daughters.

Even though, we still discussed everything, namely our roles. Most people would be turned off by it, but like Lizzie, I find my husband's "old fashioned ways" attractive. He wants to be the boss, make the decisions, and be in charge. I am VERY happy to oblige him! I've been on my my own long enough that I'm totally ready for someone else to take over. My husband wanted a wife to stay home, cook, clean, and cater to him...in return for his loyalty, protection, complete responsibility for everything. To me it was a fair deal. I did compromise the job thing though. He's okay with me working as long as I don't have any babies. If I get pregnant, he insists I stay home to raise the child myself. He's not keen on nannies or daycare.

He doesn't question where I go or who I'm with, but will always tell me to take someone with me, for safety (be it a friend, my mom, my brother, etc). My mom stayed home while my father worked. My father was the only law in their marriage. He always made me do the cooking and cleaning along with my mother, as well as serving our guests. So really, to me it's not anything unusual. I actually take great pleasure in catering to him. Perhaps because he's so appreciative. I don't know...but for us, it works!

[notime4haterz 0]

Since we're both born and raised Muslims I didn't have to learn about his religion...but I did have to learn about how much he practiced. It was important to me that he not be "Muslim in name only" and that he prayed and followed most the rules (dietary law, not mixing with opposite sex, not being too occupied with movies, TV, and music). It was also important for me to know he was not a stingy person. I can't tolerate miserliness! There are different "types" of Muslims and different levels of practice. Just reading the posts of some people here, it's apparent that some of the women here are married to "liberal" Muslims and some to "conservative" Muslims... for me it was important that my husband be closer to the "conservative" side, because that is how I was raised.

[caybee 21]

I'd had a few friends from MENA when I met my husband, so I knew some things, but I'm still learning every day and will undoubtedly be learning for the rest of my life. Same for him. But we've had far more to learn about each other as individuals than we have about each other's cultures. He's unlike any other man I've ever met or heard of, and I'd be making a mistake if I assumed something about him based solely on his culture.

I totally agree with discussing goals and expectations as thoroughly as possible before getting too involved. And those conversations aren't always fun. It's easy to run smack into a cultural (or other) difference and want to pretend it isn't there when you love someone, but if you hide from it, it will only hurt you later. We even had some premarital counseling to get a third, objective party in on that part of the process. However, as much talking as we did, a lot of it was still hypothetical. As we encounter real-life situations now, sometimes we have to rehash those early discussions from slightly different angles. Having a cross-cultural marriage is always going to take work on both sides, but we both think it's worth it. And maybe that little extra work means we'll be a little less likely to become complacent and take things for granted about each other.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I'd had a few friends from MENA when I met my husband, so I knew some things, but I'm still learning every day and will undoubtedly be learning for the rest of my life. Same for him. But we've had far more to learn about each other as individuals than we have about each other's cultures. He's unlike any other man I've ever met or heard of, and I'd be making a mistake if I assumed something about him based solely on his culture.

I totally agree with discussing goals and expectations as thoroughly as possible before getting too involved. And those conversations aren't always fun. It's easy to run smack into a cultural (or other) difference and want to pretend it isn't there when you love someone, but if you hide from it, it will only hurt you later. We even had some premarital counseling to get a third, objective party in on that part of the process. However, as much talking as we did, a lot of it was still hypothetical. As we encounter real-life situations now, sometimes we have to rehash those early discussions from slightly different angles. Having a cross-cultural marriage is always going to take work on both sides, but we both think it's worth it. And maybe that little extra work means we'll be a little less likely to become complacent and take things for granted about each other.

Well said and good for you for going the extra mile and getting premarital counseling

[al-Hubb jameel 0]

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Edited March 1, 2009 by lizziebits28

[Aymsgirl 0]

My husband and I discussed in depth about both of our expectations in our marriage prior to making the commitment. Although, I will admit there were things that we discussed way back when that maybe at that time I understood him differently then the way he was communicating it. Mainly, this had to do to religious issues and cultural issues. We both demand respect no matter what. Sure, we get in our spats but we have had very few were a voice has been raised and tempers have been lost. No marriage is perfect and no matter what there will be something that that will come up that may not have been discussed before.

My husband is Muslim. He prays every day, reads the Quran. He is human and has made mistakes like all of us do though. I will say that I thought my husband would be more strict with me than what he is. I had read and learned from a few other women that their husbands were strict on them. Demanding that they do not leave the home at night, cover and other issues like this. My husband was not like this. He said I have full trust in you and know that around our home area is safe. If you need to run to the store or you feel like you need to have dinner and movie with your friends as long as it doesn't interfere with our home life I am ok with it. We have a mutual respect that we call and check and let each other know where we are going. As far as being Muslim and covering...he doesn't tell me I have to. He said its between myself and Allah and it is a personal choice and a commitment that one makes. He asks that I wear respectful clothing but again he knows I will. I am modest in nature. I've asked my husband if he was jealous once and his comment was I love you and trust you. I am fully comfortable knowing that you wouldn't put yourself in a situation that would damage our marriage. He said you fear Allah and you love your family. You want to be happy so you will make choices to make yourself happy.

I think with learning as much as you can about the culture and especially the religion if you don't follow it will benefit you so much. Don't just learn from him, learn from others as well. There will be times in your life and marriage where he will be thinking one way and it makes no sense to your mind. If you can see the culture or religious reason why a lot of the times it just makes more sense. My husband will say things and I will think that to me makes no sense...then I think ok, well that is because he was raised believing like this....then I can see his point of view.

Also, a lot of these men come here with rose tinted glasses on. Jobs aren't easy to come by right now in our part of the world. They need to understand this. I have heard over and over that people come here thinking it is like the movies. Teach them how things are done here as much as you can in advance as well.

[childress_london 3]

My husband and I discussed our views before we got married. It's just part of the getting to know you process. We also had quite a few arguments that we later realized were because of cultural/language differences. So now when we butt heads, we step back and discuss what each of us is expecting and find out if it is just a misunderstanding of our cultural differences or not. Sometimes he will say "Well in Iran they blah blah blah..." and I usually say, well I'm in America not Iran and in America we do it this way. We usually can come to some kind of compromise. We seem to argue a lot less now than we did in the beginning. Of course, we aren't living together yet, and I'm sure that will bring up a whole new set of issues to deal with once he's here. Neither one of us is religious, so that hasn't been an issue for us.

[childress_london 3]

Well having the background that I have, I knew almost everything. Although, I must admit, the things that struck me as odd with my husband is how liberal he was with certain things. Comparing him to my father, he's actually much more laid back than my father was with me...I guess it's different with a wife and daughter. My husband is VERY strict with his daughters.

Even though, we still discussed everything, namely our roles. Most people would be turned off by it, but like Lizzie, I find my husband's "old fashioned ways" attractive. He wants to be the boss, make the decisions, and be in charge. I am VERY happy to oblige him! I've been on my my own long enough that I'm totally ready for someone else to take over. My husband wanted a wife to stay home, cook, clean, and cater to him...in return for his loyalty, protection, complete responsibility for everything. To me it was a fair deal. I did compromise the job thing though. He's okay with me working as long as I don't have any babies. If I get pregnant, he insists I stay home to raise the child myself. He's not keen on nannies or daycare.

He doesn't question where I go or who I'm with, but will always tell me to take someone with me, for safety (be it a friend, my mom, my brother, etc). My mom stayed home while my father worked. My father was the only law in their marriage. He always made me do the cooking and cleaning along with my mother, as well as serving our guests. So really, to me it's not anything unusual. I actually take great pleasure in catering to him. Perhaps because he's so appreciative. I don't know...but for us, it works!

My husband has a lot of "old fashioned" ways as well, which is one of the reasons I was attracted to him. He tells me that when he gets here, he won't let me go anywhere without him. LOL. But I have a feeling he will get tired of that fast, if he is serious. I think he just feels that way because we have been apart for so long. I know a lot of American women would feel smothered with all of the attention he gives me, but I absolutely love it.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

It's nice to hear everyone's experience's.

I also love his "old fashion" ways

Like Aymsgirl said, there have been some things that i had to step back and realize that it is his upbringing that has molded him and it is very different from mine. This has been super helpful in understanding his perspective, him to understand mine.

[Kenza 1]

I didn't have much trouble as my dad is Moroccan and I often went to visit my family there, but since I was raised in America, some of the things in Morocco frusterated me like the government, the poverty, the dirtyness, etc. My husband was also raised in a family that was always satisfied with what they had (he shared a bedroom with his little brother all his life, etc) whereas (guiltingly) I like BIG and More. I agree with all of the other posters too about being old fashioned and wanting to be a stay at home mom! People think I'm crazy cuz i'm only 18 but alhamdolillah I have always been mature for my age

Side note...is there spell check hehe...

[caybee 21]

Well having the background that I have, I knew almost everything. Although, I must admit, the things that struck me as odd with my husband is how liberal he was with certain things. Comparing him to my father, he's actually much more laid back than my father was with me...I guess it's different with a wife and daughter. My husband is VERY strict with his daughters.

Even though, we still discussed everything, namely our roles. Most people would be turned off by it, but like Lizzie, I find my husband's "old fashioned ways" attractive. He wants to be the boss, make the decisions, and be in charge. I am VERY happy to oblige him! I've been on my my own long enough that I'm totally ready for someone else to take over. My husband wanted a wife to stay home, cook, clean, and cater to him...in return for his loyalty, protection, complete responsibility for everything. To me it was a fair deal. I did compromise the job thing though. He's okay with me working as long as I don't have any babies. If I get pregnant, he insists I stay home to raise the child myself. He's not keen on nannies or daycare.

He doesn't question where I go or who I'm with, but will always tell me to take someone with me, for safety (be it a friend, my mom, my brother, etc). My mom stayed home while my father worked. My father was the only law in their marriage. He always made me do the cooking and cleaning along with my mother, as well as serving our guests. So really, to me it's not anything unusual. I actually take great pleasure in catering to him. Perhaps because he's so appreciative. I don't know...but for us, it works!

My husband has a lot of "old fashioned" ways as well, which is one of the reasons I was attracted to him. He tells me that when he gets here, he won't let me go anywhere without him. LOL. But I have a feeling he will get tired of that fast, if he is serious. I think he just feels that way because we have been apart for so long. I know a lot of American women would feel smothered with all of the attention he gives me, but I absolutely love it.

Some of that sounds familiar. My husband isn't one to walk in front of me -- in fact, he chides me if I hang back because he likes to walk side by side and talk, walking hand-in-hand sometimes. But if a situation looks iffy, he'll step out in front in a protective way, or he'll get up and investigate if I hear a noise at night. I do like that feeling of protection. As it turns out, he's not as bothered by some things as I thought he might be. Before he arrived, for example, he told me he wouldn't want me to go anywhere alone after dark, and he didn't see any reason for men and women who don't know each other to have casual conversations. He also said he would always want to do the driving when we went out together, thinking people would think badly of him if his wife drove him around. So we discussed all of these things so he'd have a better understanding of what is socially acceptable here.

He has relaxed so much about that since he's been here and has seen what normal, harmless behavior is. He'll ask me if I want to drive when we go out together. He knows I have to go out at night sometimes when he's at work, and he checks in to make sure all is well, but he doesn't fret about it. He chitchats with both women and men at work, at the store, etc, and it doesn't phase him at all when I do the same. He even started asking some pretty pointed questions of a pregnant coworker once we found out we were pregnant -- she offered to answer questions and give him advice, so he took her up on it. I can just imagine those conversations :-) I'm glad he's as easygoing as he is, but I do like the protective streak that shows through when it's needed.

He did bring what I call the cafe culture with him -- he loves to go hang out with other Arabic-speaking male friends, drinking coffee for hours, and he loses track of the time. This is something we didn't really address before he arrived, and it wasn't even an issue until he got his license and his car, but we've found our compromise, and we're both happy with the arrangement now.

[Nothing1234 2]

I'm locked in the kitchen cooking and cleaning all day...barefoot with babies. My husbands favorite phrase is: Beat your wife everyday, if you dont' know why, she does! jk

Okay....I'm teasing.

I guess I'm one of those with a more liberal hubby with a touch of a conservative side. It works for us. He is old fashioned and conservative at times but mostly we have discussed everything in detail way before getting married or having babies. We respect each other in our actions. I have grown up with Arabs and Muslims all my life as I have family in Jordan where I have spent many summers so understanding the culture or religion was never an issue. Although I can say that Egyptian culture is very different IMO than Jordanian... I'm still partial to Gulf food but I do love my MIL's cooking

I prepared him for the life here plus he has friends all over the world and has traveled. It's still been a culture shock for him. He misses his work, his friends and family a lot. It's hard being so far away, giving up a successful career and starting over from scratch. Although he was prepared for that...nothing truly prepares you till you walk in those shoes as he is now. He's taking it like a trooper and trying hard to make a life here which will take time. He built his career in 8 years...and only has 9 months under his belt here...a long but beautiful road is ahead of us isA!