what did you know about your SO's culture before marriage/arrival

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Great subject. I knew quite a few Arab men before I met my husband. I wasn't very impressed with them, so I almost didn't give my husband a chance. I can't see losing who I am to please a man, so it was important to me that he accepts me as I am. I wasn't sure he would be able too, but I was pleasantly surprised. Because of the men I knew before him I was well aware of what they expected from a woman and wife. I knew in advance what most of the issues between us could be. I knew what of my life I would be willing to change to fit into his culture, but I also knew what I couldn't accept. We discussed so much in advance, and we came to a common ground. After he got here he wasn't sure he could handle it, but as I said I already knew what I would and wouldn't accept, so I did analyze my priorities, and between us we came up with a good plan for us.

We have been married now over 4 years, and he has been here over 2. Our marriage is stronger than ever, so I am a firm believer in communication beforehand.

i think the underlined is of vital importance. like many scenarios i often wonder if people THINK they can "deal" with or change certain aspects but when it comes down to it, they just arent willing or whatever.

I can see this certainly being a recipe for disaster.

and yaay for compromise

[childress_london 3]

Great subject. I knew quite a few Arab men before I met my husband. I wasn't very impressed with them, so I almost didn't give my husband a chance. I can't see losing who I am to please a man, so it was important to me that he accepts me as I am. I wasn't sure he would be able too, but I was pleasantly surprised. Because of the men I knew before him I was well aware of what they expected from a woman and wife. I knew in advance what most of the issues between us could be. I knew what of my life I would be willing to change to fit into his culture, but I also knew what I couldn't accept. We discussed so much in advance, and we came to a common ground. After he got here he wasn't sure he could handle it, but as I said I already knew what I would and wouldn't accept, so I did analyze my priorities, and between us we came up with a good plan for us.

We have been married now over 4 years, and he has been here over 2. Our marriage is stronger than ever, so I am a firm believer in communication beforehand.

i think the underlined is of vital importance. like many scenarios i often wonder if people THINK they can "deal" with or change certain aspects but when it comes down to it, they just arent willing or whatever.

I can see this certainly being a recipe for disaster.

and yaay for compromise

Yes, what's important in any marriage is that we have boundaries of what is and what isn't acceptable. And then it's important to be up front about what those boundaries are so there are no surprises.

[honeyblonde 0]

Even once you think you've communicated those boundaries, you still have to make sure they understood. I thought I had made it perfectly clear to my last husband that not only could I not have any more kids, I didn't WANT any more kids. The straw that broke our marriage was when he started pushing me to get in vitro. He somehow thought I would come up with the money to pay for it and be willing to raise another kid. I'm really glad I showed him the door at that point because he is now remarried, has that kid he wanted so bad, and has sent her to live with his parents in Morocco because neither he nor his wife has time to raise her! I had tried to tell him there was no way he was going to be able to start a business and raise a child, but he somehow was convinced that he could do it all. I was getting ready to go back to finish my degree after raising my own kids, so I knew I wouldn't have time to care for a baby. His current wife is working on her Masters now and so doesn't seem to have time to raise the child either. I'm really glad it's her, not me in that position.

[MrsAmera 41]

I also think that there comes a point where regardless of what we say or how much we learn about their culture to try and bridge the gap that some if just comes down to experience. My husband was a real hot head for a long time. He would get so mad over the stupidest things and be ready to fight. Finally (not so long ago) when we were driving and some guy was honking at him, pulled up along side and rolled down his window. My husband was ready to get out of the car and I said "What if he has a gun and shoots you, me or the kids (they were with) over this?" He just kept driving. His temper has flared waaaay down now. Guess that was a really long way of saying some if it just comes with time.